Is dysfunction the new norm?

I always grew up thinking that cheating and infidelity was just dead wrong.   After hearing personal stories from people, it’s quite common.    In fact, based on my experience, hearing from family, friends, and other sources, I’d guess that most couples that have been together for a long time has faced it.   Reddit even has few forums dedicated to infidelity, adultery, and cheat.  I wouldn’t recommend happily married people to look.  It’s really startling how wide spread and common this is.

These days it’s almost like you have to expect that the person you’re with will cheat on you someday.   It seems like most people don’t think it’s ok,  but almost everyone does it.   I really don’t want to accept this as a new reality.   It makes me really want to go mgtow.   Not saying that I won’t deal with women, but it hurts if you love someone and they cheat.

The stigma for women being sexually permiscuous is falling by the wayside.   TV shows now star women who have multiple sex partners and even a few are now normalizing infidelity as if it’s not really that big of a deal.  Instead of scandalous, it’s more like juicy gossip.

What’s the point in getting in an exclusive relationship when the other person can just go out and have sex with other people.   If you don’t like it, then the rationality is for them to just hide it.  If you have suspicions, then you’re seen as insecure.    Maybe I just have to face facts.   Maybe you can’t really have a home and family these days unless you are ok with your spouse most likely stepping out and cheating sooner or later.

In my culture, men are almost expected to cheat.   A generation ago, pretty much all of my elders, ….uncles, my father, my grandfather, older cousins, cheated on their wives.  It’s been a consistent thing.    The men in this generation doesn’t seem to do it as much or at least i’m not privy to any of my married cousins (my age) cheating.   They all seem to be way more involved with the home than our uncles.   Unfortunately, literally half of them have experienced their wives cheating on them.

Is it a generational curse?  Are we paying for the sins of our fathers?  I feel that way at times.  I saw how much pain and dysfunction my dad caused in my mom due to his ways and vowed not to do my wife the same way.    It’s deeply ingrained in me and even after I did.   (It was during her affair in full disclosure).   I felt and still feel guilty about it.    Even after separation and going out with a few women, I still feel guilty if things get too sexual.   I haven’t actually had sex again, but I’ve come close.  I don’t know if it was self sabotage or it’s God answering my prayers of ‘ordering my steps.’

This can’t be normal.  Is this the modern marriage?   My wife is going on a girls trip this weekend and I almost expect her to hook up with someone.  While I don’t want her to, I can’t control her and even though she claims she won’t…..C’mon, she had no problems with having an affair.  From the texts I read to her side dude a while ago (she says she’d do it again).

Man, I hate to disappoint my son, but I guess that I can’t shield him from the reality that we fucked up.   We’re fucked up.  I love my family and all, but I can’t accept the fact that she thinks that it’s ok to do this secretly.   What if she ends up pregnant or catches an STD?   We already know that good sex/ better sex can make a woman love a man that they KNOW is no good.   I can admit that sex with him might have been better, but I think it was mostly due to the fact that it was new/forbidden/different.  I think if she was cheating with me on him, it would have been the same way since we always had pretty good sex.   Either way, she’s my wife.   I refuse to knowingly be cucked again.  Dammit man, I love my family unit, but she’s fucking it up.

I’m trusting in God.  I’ve been praying for her.  Lately, she started back hugging me when she walks in and telling me that she loves me.  She even talks about future plans and having another kid.   She is present when we speak on the phone.  But she never says anything concretely.  In fact as we were cuddling on the couch, her phone rang, she looked at it at an angle, that I couldn’t see, and didn’t answer it.   Then it rang again with the WhatsApp.  The same app she texts her orbiter male ‘bff’ she cheated with once.   She didn’t answer, but seeing I got pissed, she uses the plausible deniability saying that I’m mad even though I don’t know who called.   When I asked who, she wouldn’t answer me straight.  I left, but she acted like she didn’t want me to go and called several times after I got to my apartment.  What a sicko game.

Deep down, I want to trust in God.   I think that he’s showing me how whenever I sin (watch porn, drink too much alcohol, be lazy….etc.) it’s like I’m cheating on Him.   I do confess and apologize in prayer, but I’m pretty sure He gets tired of me doing that. I’ve been doing better lately though, but still, even once in a while is pretty bad.     Perhaps marriage is a reflection of our relationship with God.   He loves us, we sin, it hurts him, He forgives, we sin again, He hurts because he wants a real relationship, we apologize, we sin again, and the cycle repeats.   He has blessed me in so many, many, many different ways and I KNOW it has to be Him.   Too many coincidences.   All He asks is that I have some self control, do what’s ultimately best for me, and be grateful to Him.  He’ll  do the heavy lifting.

If this is what love is, I don’t know if I’m built for it.   I do want to work on my relationship with Him, but it’s hard to keep extending grace to her.   It hurts because I do love her.   But i’m being humiliated, cucked, and I don’t feel respected.   In my view, I don’t deserve God’s love.    I mess up, but I try.   I’m guilty of not loving her the way I should.   My ego is hurt, forget pride (that’s been gone), my self respect is chipping away.   I didn’t know that this is marriage and that this is love.  How can I keep putting her before myself?

I was always taught that sacrifice and putting others before you was how you love someone.   I think they were wrong, you have to love yourself.   But God laid His life down for us while we were yet unrepentant sinners because He loved us.   He gave us the foundation, but those are some really big shoes to fill.   I have to have faith that he’ll turn our marriage around.  I have to believe that He will give her the light as I work on my relationship with Him.

How hypocritical is it of me to blame her when I’m essentially doing the same thing to the Most High?  In a sense, it’s almost like I love her more that God.   Perhaps that’s the problem.   Especially if love means action, not just a feeling.

I really can’t complain.   I deserve all of this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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