Closer and Closer

I was watching a dating show on youtube last night where callers call in and talk about themselves and the type of person they’d like to date. The influencer’s name is Kendra G. There are decent people on there at times, but there are also train wrecks that call in. The woman that called in last night was a 51 year old, 3x time divorcee. She claimed to be an investment banker from upstate new york. She claims that her current husband was crazy and he wouldn’t sign the paperwork to get divorced. According to her, they hadn’t slept together in over a year. When asked when the last time she was ‘intimate’ with someone, she responded….about a month ago…. with a married (not separated) man. Kendra was disgusted with this and ended up hanging up on her. In addition to this, the woman had some real emotional problems. Her moral compass appeared to be busted.

In many ways, she made me think about STBXW.

I know that I’m not perfect. Perhaps I shouldn’t be taking on a lover until I can figure out the divorce thing. I have been transparent with her though. I never meant to get ‘boo’ed’ up. I’m not even sure how we are still talking to this day. I certainly wasn’t looking for her. It went from getting a number, a few phone and text conversations, going out to lunch, having a fling as we both got wasted and had a great time together, to that was fun let’s do it again…..and almost 5 years later……How the fuck are we still fucking with each other? The story of my life. She’s the only woman I’ve been with intimately since I met her. Well I did slip up once or twice with STBXW, but I told her about it (after the fact)…..she was hurt…..I couldn’t promise her that I wouldn’t do it again…. but that I’d be honest and transparent if I did….I’ve made good on that since, but it’s been pretty easy since STBXW wants me to pursue her in between her trysts. I refuse. We haven’t had sex in over 2 years. Maybe if I really wanted to I could, but most of the time, I’m not exactly Mr. Romantic when I’m around her. This is a good thing in that it possibly could reset my progress insofar as emotionally disconnecting from her. Besides, i prefer making love and after reading some the texts she sent her male lovers…..I can’t see myself kissing or doing anything other than mechanical sex with her.

I know it sounds fucked up, but I hurt my lover once….this was before we got so close…. but in a way, i don’t want to betray her again. I gave her my word that if I do something with STBXW, I’d let her know and I plan on keeping it this time. She forgave me once and I do owe her honesty. Even if it hurts her. To me, it isn’t worth hurting her over. Even if I do move on and have sex with someone else, it won’t be with STBXW. How could I hurt someone who has shown me so much patience and love for a woman who could give a shit about me or our family.

IDK, I’m playing a game I cannot win. I don’t want to marry my lover. But I don’t want to hurt her either. If she finds someone else, I really can only hope that she’ll be honest with me as well. There has been some questionable activities, but I can only charge it to the game at this point.

Perhaps my moral compass is off….I’m not sure. I am still technically married on paper. Maybe it’s arguable that I’ve lied to STBXW by omission. But she never asked me directly and when she makes flimsy accusations that I’m seeing someone else, I never lie or deny. I just shut the fuck up. Ironically, I don’t think she would even mind as most of her lovers all had live in girlfriends that she knew about. But still, this is pretty messy from both of us.

Either way, I could see how people can call me a hypocrite. To me though, there is a difference. I’m not breaking up my family because I’m seeking personal happiness anywhere else. The person I’d end up hurting is my lover, not the STBXW as it seems that she doesn’t care. I also tried to work with her in getting a divorce.

Though I do feel disrespected in knowing that she is still my wife on paper and she’s out here sleeping around. It’s not as acute anymore. In fact, knowing what I know about her now….knowing that the guys she chooses to sleep with have girlfriends….and that she doesn’t mind being the side chick….knowing that she practically begs them to leave their women to get with her…..and knowing that this seems to be a pattern with her…..I’ve lost a ton of respect for her. Maybe it would be different if these guys were really single…..but the fact that she is willing to not only sleep with ‘taken’ men and willingly take another father out of the household in order to fulfill her desires….. I can’t help but look at her now in a certain way. She is not a good woman. At least not worth fighting for. I cannot take these blows in order to save my family.

Other men may not know about her like I do. Maybe none have taken her on because (despite sleeping with her knowing she is married)….perhaps they do have some honor insofar as not wanting to break up their families. Maybe her moral compass is so off that she doesn’t realize that some men actually do look at the reasons why she’s breaking up her home. IMHO she isn’t justified and I suspect that many would feel the same way. But that’s only IF she’s telling them the actual truth about us. Even then, who knows.

Let’s be clear. I don’t condone cheating. Even from them. As ironic as it seems being that I have a lover while being married. In a techincal sense, I suppose that I am a cheater/adulterer. In spirit though, to me anyway it’s more nuanced than that. Cheating to me is giving someone your word then going back on that word behind their back. It’s willfully breaking a promise knowing that the truth would hurt that person. So you lie.

In a sense, I am wrong. Perhaps I shouldn’t be leading my lover on …. but that’s a separate issue. I’ve been transparent….I don’t want to be married again…..and that to me is about as honorable as one can be. But I do get the argument that if I truly love her, then I should do the heavy lifting insofar as breaking things off in order for her to be better able to move on and possibly find someone who wants that. I have been honest and it’s her choice to keep fucking with me. Love is a drug man. The girl is in love with me for now. I love her too, but I know that I can’t let these chemicals get the best of me again. Perhaps it’s easier for me as I’m still dealing with the fallout from the last time I gave myself over to the chemical romance.

I might be wrong…..but is what I’m doing really that bad? Perhaps, I am just justifying my wrong behavior because it’s suiting me and I really am a clown for condemning STBXW when I’m doing technically the same thing. To me it just seems different though. At least I’m not out here breaking up families. My lover isn’t breaking up something that could have been salvaged. It’s all on STBXW as far as I’m concerned. This is a messy. Almost like a war that I didn’t want, but I feel that I had no choice but to get my hands bloody. I hope I haven’t “lost my soul.” I still want to do the right thing, but the lines are blurry. I really didn’t know how sideways this could turn when I said “I do.” almost 14 years ago. Which is another reason why I just can’t do marriage again.

What do you do when the “enemy” is your own wife. This is a civil war where we cannot coincide in peace. The enemy seems hell bent on destruction. She started it, any attempts to negotiate have been thrown completely out of the window….was I supposed to just sit here and take her bullshit. Perhaps I handled it wrong initially. I really wanted to keep our family together at first. That part is on me, but hindsight is 20/20. Still though…. I had to do what I had to do not knowing what to do against an enemy who seems to have had no real objective and didn’t care about collateral damage. Things got messy.

That said. I think STBXW’s moral compass is completely busted and it’s hard to have someone like that close to you. You never know what they’ll do or are capable of doing. You can’t control it, it’s unpredictable, and all you can hope to do is distance yourself. Hard when you have to co-parent. They say that bad company corrupts good habits. I find myself out here doing things I never thought I would be doing….. in a technical sense. Yet here I am. I won’t apologize for that. I didn’t ask for this shit.

Perhaps if I were stronger…..but if I were, then I wouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s all a test. I failed…..but here I am…..all I can do is move on and hope that I learned my lesson. Meanwhile, between going through all of this, and looking at women like the aforementioned lady on Kendra G’s show, I am making ground in emotionally detaching from STBXW. This woman (though I chose her so it’s my responsibility to get out of this) made her choices. Me and kiddo payed a hefty price.

I lost my family, but given how she handled everything, this outcome was probably inevitable. I loved too hard and payed a severe price for it. Hopefully the lashes and emotional scars from this whipping will remind me to never do that again. I’m still standing. I am recovering. Slowly, painfully, but surely.

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