Damaged Goods?

I spend the weekend with my lover and she revealed that she is in love with me. Even though I have love for her. I really do love her, admire, and respect her, but I’m not in love with her like that. I didn’t tell her that, but the sentiment really is, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. As cliche as it sounds, it’s not her, it’s me. I don’t want to be in love with anyone.

At one time, I would have taken this as a sign to “go all in” for her. Most of my relationships in the past (minus STBXW) started off like this. We started off as friends with benefits/situationships and eventually we decided to get together. I have a thing where “I like who likes me”. Pretty much all of those relationships ended up bad with her cheating on me.

Experiencing this makes me hesitant to ‘change my mind.’ and give my all to her. STBXW was the exception as I pursued her a lot more than I usually do. I think she was the only woman I was completely “head over heels” in love with. I regret it to this day. Even though the previous situations “blew up” in my face, I wasn’t devestatingly heartbroken over them. Granted, I never married nor had children with any of them….but even in the case of one of them, I thought we had a child (turns out it wasn’t mine)….I still didn’t “LOVE HER LOVE HER” like that.

From a purely superficial aspect….my lover is almost perfect. I believe that if STBXW had met a guy who was as ‘accomplished’ as my lover, she wouldn’t hesitate to accept a marriage proposal. She makes a LOT of money … significantly more than me than STBXW combined and is in line to make more than that. She is well traveled. Is currently enrolled in a program to get a second masters from a top university. She has connections with upper middle class/lower upper class people. She isn’t exactly an instagram 10, but she’s very fair in the looks department and I certainly don’t mind having her on my arm when we’re out in public.

She tells me that money “is her thing” and as long as I’m not bumming off of her, she doesn’t mind that I make less or if I ever do catch up to her financially. The sex is amazing. And she seems to really be ‘in love’ with me. She’s open and transparent about herself in many regards. She comes from a humble background, a former maid/housekeeper, so she REALLY knows things like how to clean and so forth. She likes to spend money, but on the flip side, she isn’t into designer clothes or taking trips as a means of “flexing” her so called wealth. It seems that she is more balanced insofar as not being caught up in the current movement among a lot of black women where “power couple” and “black excellence” are buzzwords that turn them on.

She isn’t perfect though. She can get a little emotional and I believe that giving her ‘power’ over me could result in a lot of fights in the future. Never being married, I think that she doesn’t understand that there will be times when it’s not fun nor easy. I can see a mean streak in her. Although mostly sweet and chill, she can be a bit bossy or demanding at times. It’s easier for me to maintain ‘frame’ by my ability to walk away at any time. She also said a few things to me in the past that causes me to question her sincerity. I think she’s in ‘lust’ with my physical appearance more than my actual mind.

It also seems that the projects a lot of things onto me that aren’t quite accurate. I think that she believes that I have this “edge” about myself that’s not really there. Sure, I practice jujistsu and I think I’m a naturally gifted boxer. I know enough to know that I can use improvement, but I just kind of get it….so I do pretty good in it. But I’m not a badass or a tough guy. Things may have happened where I stood up for myself or ‘alpha’ ed up on some of her friends, but I wasn’t trying to pick a fight.

Either way, I don’t know if WE have what it takes be in a marriage. I could see how things could deteriorate quickly in a marriage where neither of us are happy. I think that we’re better off as friends or lovers. I think she’s more attracted to me physically than mentally. I also believe that women can ‘fall in love’ based on attraction, from there they project their ideal man onto you. Your flaws and stuff doesn’t matter much during that time. When “in love” they kind of lose themselves as the emotions overwhelm them. Add that to good sex (made even better because of their emotional state)…..you have a recipe for disaster long term. Honeymoon phase love rarely lasts forever and I think we were able to last this long because we don’t see each other ALL THE TIME. Once the rose colored glasses fall off then she wakes up one day and aren’t just feeling you anymore.

I believe this is what happened to STBXW. I truly believe that she was “in love” with me at one time. But once the butterflies were gone, and the newness wore off, there was no substance or real love. In a way it seems that she “punished” me (and IDGAF what u tell me) and enjoyed it because she didn’t maintain that feeling for me. She’d never admit it, but this level of self reflection would be something that if she told me that. I might consider her again. As of now, I think she is truly ignorant of her own self motives and that makes her dangerous. It seems that she can’t study herself in an attempt to understand herself. She has to tell herself that she’s a ‘good person’ and it’s so weird to me how she can do such wicked things, but it’s like she can’t see it. How could she ever ‘self improve’ if she’s never honest with herself. It seems that she lacks self reflection. It’s like she’s looking at a distorted version of herself in the mirror. It doesn’t help that noone seems to hold her accountable. But i digress.

As far as I can tell through my snooping, she’s fallen in love twice since her estrangement. TBH, neither of these guys were really better off than me financially. I can’t really say if the sex was better or not….it’s possible due to her ’emotional’ state about them….so subjectively, perhaps…..objectively, I don’t know. I’ve never felt that my sex game was bad though. Quite a few women told me I was good, but now, i think they probably tell all guys that they have the “biggest dick” in the universe. They have a way of flattering us to make us feel that we’re really rocking their world.

Either way, maybe I’m overthinking this. I told my lover of my concerns about being in a relationship and she tells me that it’s not fair to compare her to people in my past. Maybe she’s right. She thinks I’m being insecure. Perhaps I am. I wouldn’t call it insecurity though. I wouldn’t voluntarily go out and fight a heavyweight boxer because I know my limitations. Some could argue that that’s insecurity. I just believe that she’s ignorant of the reality and is just overwhelmed by the ‘love’ chemicals right now. Perhaps I’d take a chance on her if kiddo wasn’t my primary responsibility. But I can’t ask her to unpend her life for us.

Plus, I think I am a bit damaged from STBXW. Loving someone just isn’t enough it seems to risk everything for. Based on my experience with STBXW, I don’t want to be “in love” with anyone else either. I’ve never been much on emotions, yet she hurt me way deeper than I could have ever imagined. I fear falling for anyone that deeply again, and so I really can’t see myself wanting to marry anyone again. Unless it were for kids. But even then, in today’s climate……a lot of women it seems believes that people shouldn’t stay married for the kids. They believe that their happiness is their primary goal….and if you cannot continue to provide her with that happiness (the ‘in love chemicals’) then she feels justified in breaking up the home in search of that ‘happiness’. Or she checks out. Or she cheats which creates a cycle of toxicity.

I don’t think that I’m damaged for thinking like this. I think that I just have a more logical and practical view of things. I’m not even sure if I could ‘fall in love’ again…..or be overwhelmed by those emotions. I actually do fear it. But even IF the ‘perfect’ ideal woman fell out of the sky and landed in my lap, I don’t think that I would allow myself to get overwhelmed by those feelings. I hope not anyway.

Perhaps cheating isn’t the worst thing a woman can do to you. As beta as it sounds. Maybe turning a blind eye to it for the sake of the family (while “respectfully” getting yours on the side) is the way of the day. But women cannot cheat without it becoming emotional and given their irrational, illogical, and unstable type of ‘love’ you can never know what the hell they’d do. Plus you never know what kind of asshole they’d fall for. Nah fuck that. Maybe I just don’t respect the way women do things. Many seem to have no honor and just run on feelings. This gives the ability to justify anything (including poor treatment) of you if that “in love” feeling goes away.

I don’t know if I’m really just damaged goods…..am I just overthinking it….or do I really see things more clearly now.

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