Maybe I over-estimated her

Lately, I’m really starting to think that STBXW isn’t really all that smart. Ok, I mean like I think something is really off or missing in her. Something isn’t right. There’s a saying that goes “the light is on, but nobody’s home.” Although that doesn’t quite describe it as she can and does answer questions as a sentient being would be expected to…. but it seems that she is missing something. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Maybe there is a certain level of self-awareness that she hasn’t quite risen to. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Not enough where it’s apparent upon first impressions, but if you were to dig a bit deeper and actually get to know her, it’s a bit noticeable. In my anger, I’ve thought of her as a black-blonde. You know, the stereotypical blonde that the jokes are made about.

I never thought of her as a ‘street smart’ person. Or one with a lot of common sense. But I thought that her level of naivity was a bit endearing. Only, it’s not when there are sharks, con men, smooth talkers, and others who would take advantage of her. She seems to lack a certain level of self reflection that causes her to be like, ignorantly selfish of how her actions affect others. I was thinking that either she doesn’t know or or doesn’t care….

The problem with this … for me anyway…. it that I am not presently great at manipulating emotions. She really needs structure and to respect that person who puts the structure in place. On a subconscious level, I think that she knows it, but she rebels against it. This bleeds over into her ignorance of awareness of self. I think she could easily be manipulated. I’m not a streets guy per say, but I’ve been around some sharks in the streets. I’m not easily impressed by smooth talkers. At least not to the point where I’d allow them to get over on me. When I first met her, I do recall telling someone that some guys could see her as a ‘lick’. Where I am from, this was a sucker or a person who is fairly easily manipulated.

She is led by her emotions a lot. Unfortunately, it seems that her empathy arrives from a place of attraction. She lacks deep understanding and prefers surface level conversations whenever possible. This could explain why we never really harped on deep level topics and could explain why if we did delve deeper into topics, she is/was mostly quiet. She’s the epitome of the saying “girls just wanna have fun”.

This also could explain my confusion as to why the answers to some of the questions I’ve asked her in the past seem unsatisfactory. She probably literally couldn’t explain why she does what she does even if she wanted to. At least not in a well thought out way. She is shallow in that regard. She doesn’t know herself and a very manipulative person could probably know more about her (and take advantage) than she does herself.

I’m thinking that her mental condition is degenerating. She used to get bouts of vertigo….which were never really explained. Now she’s having trouble with balance. She’s never been the most coordinated person in the world, but now she’s noticing that it’s affecting simple tasks such as bending down. She even has a slight gait in her walking now. Perhaps it’s a neurological condition. There are times when she doesn’t say anything or takes a while to spit it out. For example, yesterday, when I arrived home from work she pulled up in the apartment parking lot driving her mother’s car. I was going to keep walking, but she rolled down her window and called my name. So I look up and start walking towards her expecting her to say….something. She instead just sat there and looked at me. “Yes”, I responded, but she didn’t say anything. I thought she was playing a game, so I stopped walking towards her and got back onto the sidewalk. I was actually pissed because I thought she was just playing a stupid ‘control’ game. There have also been many times where she calls me, I answer with “hello” and she says “hey” and then…..silence. Again, I think that it’s a mind game. Like, why is she fucking with me. Sometimes, I’ll try to think of something to say….sometimes i flat out ask “what do you want.”….sometimes I just hang up.

Other times, if we’re hanging out, she’ll just call my name…..and not say anything. Or she does this annoying thing where she says…. “What?” as if i had just said something out the blue. I’m not much of a talker, I mean I don’t mind talking, but most of the time, I don’t share my thoughts unless we’re actually talking about something. I’d rather her do most of the talking anyway. I mean if silence is too uncomfortable, I’d prefer her to do the talking. I used to give in to that game (until she started with the disrespect and affairs) and I’d start rambling, hoping that she’d find something to catch on to. I’m just not one of those people who can just talk and talk and talk and talk most of the time unless I’ve been drinking. When rambling, I typically start talking about other people and things…. ‘gossiping’ or being a chatty patty… I prefer to keep it to myself. She likes to listen, but again, I don’t like telling other’s business, so I’d rather not say too much. If i go too deep, it becomes a monologue….that’s no fun as if she isn’t going to contribute, I may as well kept silent.

Otherwise, I’ll talk about my feelings about the relationship and usually that’s a one sided situation. I know that talking is a weak point for me so I think it sometimes feed into my insecurity about not being enough. Some of her closest family members are those people who seem to never run out of things to say. Maybe she expects that from me. They gossip, but also seem to be able to take any random thing and ramble on and on about it.

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