Unringing a Bell

Spoke with stbxw this morning and she apologized for the affair even though she maintains she did it because she was ‘unhappy’. She did say that there were no excuses however that no excuses was followed by a … but….

Either way, she says that she still feels the same way. She doesn’t want to be married even though she claims she isn’t seeing anyone. That’s fair. I don’t really care. I can’t take her back anyway. We are both in a state of where we don’t feel motivated to work on the marriage.

She says that I need to change. ‘Read’ get a better paying job or try to make more money. ‘Ambition’ is what she calls it. I’m assuming that this is the reason she doesn’t want to work on the marraige. She ended up saying that if I wanted to work on things “You’d think you’d be more motivated to make those changes, if not for me, but for yourself.” In a way, maybe it is a good thing that I’m not super rich or financially wealthy right now. She’d only be with me for the money and I’d never know it unless I befell hard times.

I had to remind her that I do work full time (10 hour days no less), drive ride share part time, and am working on a small business while taking care of kiddo (basically by myself) and having to deal with all this b.s. from an emotional pov. Either way, her assumptions are completely off bases.

IF i were to suddenly be “ambitious” (got a windfall of money or had a change in financial fortune), what makes her think that I’d be interested in fixing anything with her? I gave the analogy like…..what if she got fat and I never asked her to lose weight even though it was a problem for me. Then instead of telling her how I felt, I cheated, made fun of her with the new chick, and treated her like shit. Then say she lost the weight and started looking good and suddenly, I wanted to reconcile. Would she take me back after all of that.

Her response: “If i loved you enough, I would.”

So that said, it’s obvious we’re two different people. For me, it’s a matter of self respect. If you’re not with me when I’m not at my best (didn’t say at my worst), then you certainly don’t deserve me when I am. Maybe trust and loyalty doesn’t really mean that much to her. It’s almost everything to me.

She says she isn’t motivated to work on the marriage…. Well,I damn sure am not trying to rebuild a damned thing with her unless she put in a LOT of effort and even then that would just be a starting point for me to even consider it.

It’s pretty much over and I’m over it. Loyalty is important to me, transactional love (fuck what they tell you) isn’t what I want out of a marriage. I’m too loyal and love from a genuine place than to give that to someone who bases their loyalty and friendship on such superficial conditions. IF she did prove loyal, then I’d move heaven and earth to make things work for us. But I’m not sacrificing my happiness for someone who isn’t ride or die for me. I’d never allow myself to sacrifice so much for a person like that to benefit.

She can like, wish for, desire, or want whatever she wants out of life. I’m not mad at her for that. My thing is that she actively chooses to abandon/destroy our family in pursuit of those things. As if she was powerless to at least try. As if our family wasn’t worth a little bit of effort.

And she can dress this up as much as she likes and deny all she wants, but IRL, new dick and attention is at the center of all of this. She’ll never admit it, but the reason I say this is because she could given it 6 months of us just trying to see if things would work. She could have stopped dealing with dudes, sat down with me, and talked about how we could at least try to fix things. Her pursuit of traveling, a new job, getting a home, or whatever, could have all been done without any intimacy from any guys.

IMHO, she is pretty much saying that as of now….I’m not good enough for her to even consider keeping our family together. I use family a lot because it means a lot to me. But as much as it means to me, I’m not willing to give up my dignity nor self respect for it. I will say that she is becoming a bit more honest in her communication, so that’s a good thing. She is also a bit more self reflective it seems. But she’s still selfish as all get out imho. She’s an opportunist.

She actually had the nerve to insinuate that “we don’t have sex, we don’t talk, we don’t see eye to eye and it’s been that way for the last 4 years or so….” as if this all happened in a vaccuum. As if her actions haven’t greatly played a role in how our relationship (as in the way we relate to each other) in this. AS if her constant cheating, emotional or physical, lack of remorse, and dedication to secrecy after a huge affair and subsequent cheating has nothing to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and reconcile / fix things between us.

Who the fuck does she think she is anyway? Cleopatra, Queen Alexandria, Zoe Saldana? Then she wants to blame me for lack of sex, when the last 10 times I tried (since before I stopped trying) she turned me down. UGH.

Have sex with her? I couldn’t even look at her when she was here. I’ve just started being able to make eye contact with her again. Maybe she doesn’t realize how disgusting it is to imagine (for me anyway) having sex with her after she’s been doing god know what to god knows who. PLus I know she did it while we were married.

Even if I decided to give in on her next visit. To say that condoms are a must is an understatement. Besides, it really isn’t all that great anymore anyway. The last time i did, it felt like … not good…. at all. There was 0 connection. I’ve felt more intimacy from a prostitute (hey I was young). Not saying she was always bad and she’s probably better with others, but for me, it’s just not good and not worth it.

I know I’m not perfect, but gotdamned. This chick is bozo. Is her head dead? Can she find her mind? Is her brain drained?

So this phone conversation was much needed. Lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me. I’ve been taking being cordial with a small chance we could work on things. Dunno why tho. I guess I”m like that addict who quit smoking crack, but started back walking around the trap house and remembering the old days. I need to stop talking to her and get back to focusing on my future. Without her.

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