I’m banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t know why I try to explain myself to STBXW anymore. Perhaps I’m wrong. We were discussing the future and as usual, she, on one hand says that she’s indecisive about fixing the relationship….(as if I haven’t made it clear that we cannot fix it). And on the other, she says that she doesn’t want to hurt kiddo.
I asked if she thought we could fix things this time instead of telling her that I don’t think it can be fixed. She says that she thinks we could if she wanted to. But she doesn’t want to nor feel motivated. She says that she doesn’t feel motivated about life… to do or be better in the marriage. And that this limbo state we’ve been experiencing makes her feel discouraged.
For the umpteenth time, I reminded her that her cheating, selfishness, and secrecy may have something to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and fix things. She seems to think that it’s ok to leave a marriage and family just because she’s not happy. She doesn’t seem to believe that she’s obligated to our family to at least try to work on it. She went further to actually say that if family is THAT important, then cheating shouldn’t be such a big deal.
I want to pull my ears off and shake them to make sure they’re working correctly. Man, how in the fuck did I think that marrying this chick was a good idea. I think that red pill reasoning resonates with me so much is because she is like the prototypical/stereotypical woman out here. She is one of them. Not all women are like that, or at least I hope not…..of course from here on out, I’m going to be aware of red flags. But still.
I think the reason I speak to her about things like this is because I am truly trying to gain an understanding of where she’s coming from. I don’t respect her reasoning. It’s selfish and it’s the reason why marriages fail at such a high rate. It’s one reason why there are so many single family households today. it’s the reason why men really should not marry a woman. I wish that there could be an objective third party listening in on these conversations.
I’m so perplexed at her apparent hypocrisy and lack of self awareness of it. On one hand, she’s all about family values….BUT it appears that that values are only important when she’s happy. She appeals to the fact that tons of people get divorced and have split households. Then she has the unmitigated audacity to say that I’m trying to make her feel guilty about her position. Like umm…ma’am…..you should. You broke your household for selfish reasons without trying to fix it. You betrayed your husband without letting him know you were having issues. You continued to lie and cheat throughout the relationship instead of communicating your needs.
What is the point of marriage if you can just leave it without working on it because you’re not ‘feeling it’. Then add insult to injury, choose to ignore it by having affair after affair. As if not paying attention to the relationship will somehow fix it. As if investing in a new relationship outside of your husband will somehow magically cause you to feel motivated to invest energy into your marriage. And on top of all of the lies, betrayals and exposed secrets, that somehow, I’m supposed to try to woo her or charm her back into a relationship. Those dudes who tell her that “I’m slipping” when it comes to her weren’t cheated nor betrayed by her. And even if they know the situation, they’d be a damned fool to try and win a woman back after all of that. I don’t know if she believes them when they tell her things like that, but knowing her….who knows?
I’ve been done with her. As I told her, I believe that you should do everything you can do to fix your marriage before leaving it. Obviously in cases of repeated infidelity or abuse, you should leave it asap. Otherwise, you are obligated, not just to your family, but your spouse to give an honest go at trying to fix it before doing something so drastic as to break it apart.
And this is where we fundamentally disagree. She doesn’t believe that this is nor should be the case. It’s like her ‘feelings’ override her principles and that makes her unreliable, fickle, and ultimately selfish. But perhaps it is aligned with her personal principle of self over everything else….or at least over marriage/family.
That said, I realize that it’s counterproductive to have this conversation with her. When I explain my principles to her on the matter, it would seem that I’m trying to convince her to stay. Honestly though, I’d rather her come to her own conclusions on the matter.
To me, it seems that her conclusions are toxic overall to the growth and development of a successful marriage. This isn’t unsurprising because we’re here because of her toxic/ selfish view on marriage/ vows/ and family values. It’s hard not to take it personally because as I told her, it seems that our family wasn’t even worth her trying to work on things.
It’s ironic that she thinks that she isn’t progressing in life as quickly as she can because of me. She won’t say this outright, but pretty much says that she doesn’t feel motivated to “do better” in this relationship. Her mentality is self defeating. She again asked why stay in a relationship when you know that you cannot be happy. When asked how she knew that it would always be that way, she went back and said…”well, it’s been four years and I still feel the same.” …. see where I’m going with this?
I hate talking to her alone and I don’t know why I do. Seriously, am I missing something. I mean, when asked if she sees my point whether she agrees or not, she says that she does….even going so far as to mirror it back to me. When I explain how her point of view is troublesome for a marriage or relationships in general, she simply defaults back to HER happiness as the cause and effect of her actions.
She did, however acknowledge that she is selfish and doesn’t communicate well. But somehow, she won’t go far enough to say that it’s mostly her fault that we’re here. I literally asked….”so how did we get here”…. and she said… “i don’t know, that’s a good question”….
So fuck it man. I don’t know if I’m missing it, or if she’s being intentionally obtuse, or perhaps, she’s just dumb. She isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. I’m not either, but it really does seem that she is very emotionally immature. The things she says in these conversations still blow my mind sometimes (and not in a good way) At her age of 40+, i don’t know if she’s capable of the self reflection necessary for a marriage. Not for me anyway. I rarely think people are stupid….but I can’t lie, I’m starting to look at her like people who said that Donald Trump was a good man/Christian. Like you may like him as a president or possibly a person….but to say he’s an example of a good man/christian….that’s a little too gotdamned far.
It’s my fault and I should have vetted her out better before I married her. There were many red flags that I can see now in hindsight. I thought those differences were superficial and unimportant, but now I see that they really should have been deal breakers when considering who to marry and have a child with.
From superficial conversations, to the selfishness she exhibited many times when it came to what I wanted. From her unwillingness to go out of her way to do things inconvenient for me to the way she never had any original ideas. She was physically my type, cute, and quirky. But we didn’t share many common interests…. she didn’t have any hobbies, outside of work and school….but i didn’t think this would be an issue. Until I realized that I alone have to keep her entertained. I should have seen that everytime something serious came up, she tried to make jokes out of it instead of addressing it. I should have taken her lack of empathy for certain people as a red flag. Nonetheless at the time, it didn’t seem too alarming.
I swear she wasn’t that bad when I met her, but something changed in her. I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s not the woman I married. It’s like something is off with her and I can’t quite explain it. People can change and somewhere something snapped in her. She’s not who she was or who I thought she was. In my mind, I’ve been more than fair to her. I just cannot see how she’s just ok with doing what she’s doing or being like that.
So I need to divorce and pretty much carry the whole thing on my shoulders or she’ll keep us in this limbo until someone else takes up the mantle and do it for us. I’m not going to get the cooperation I need to proceed.
She has agreed to go the uncontested route which will save us a ton in divorce fees. But unfortunately, we can’t get that process started until she figures out where she wants to establish residence. She’s a traveling nurse and is currently debating renewing her contract up there or moving back here.
I hate it here