They say that love is pain. I disagree. But love is a curious thing in that sometimes you cannot really know how much you loved until you’ve experienced the pain of losing it. Or rather should I say, losing the object of your affection. I can say that as painful as this thing has been with the STBXW, the reason I know that I loved her so much was because the pain of losing her was so bad.

It was a huge risk and I didn’t realize how vulnerable I was. I say it all the time, love is contact sport. It’s like playing football with no protective equipment. It’s all fun and games until you get hit hard. Concussed. Even worse so when you’re playing unprotected against a fully geared up person.

The analogy being that she hit me in the head while she was the only one wearing a helmet. I think it was intentional, but she swears it was an “accident”. Hence, the whole, I know what I did, but I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you thing. Still no excuses, because even if I were wearing a helmet, she intentionally hit me in the head. I mean even in football, there are still rules against unnecessary roughness. Like boxing and all combat sports, the number 1 rule is to ‘protect yourself at all times.’ I failed to do that and ended up paying severely for it.

Lately, my lover and I seem to be getting more into a space of comfort with each other beyond the intense honeymoon phase lust. I never really entertained the thoughts of being anything more than FWB with her, but lately I’ve been feeling like … IDK, I really need to either shit or get off the pot so to speak.

Truth be told, I’m deathly afraid of committing to her. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be her “man”. I want her to see me as someone she’s proud of. Yet, I know that if I do commit to being the best man for her….committing to making her happy, I’d be making the same mistake as with my wife.

It’s tempting to beleive that she really just wants someone to be dedicated to her and be there for her. Treat her right while maintaining my masculinity. To just take over and be the man. To lead her. That does require a lot of trust and respect. I don’t think that women understand how much we risk and the responsibility and pressure we have to take on when deciding to dedicate ourselves to them for real.

I don’t think that I have what it takes to be her “man.” Not in the sense of I’m not worthy or I’m not smart enough. I just have problems with actually giving enough fucks. I’m too easy going and happy go lucky to argue with people and I have too much pride to try to talk a woman into staying with me if she decides she wants to leave. I’m not great at chasing women. And the worst part it that apparently, if i choose to give someone my heart, I have a big issue in getting it back.

Shit, i gotta admit that for some strange reason….beyond me. If him honest, I still love my ex wife. I won’t do shit if i gotta go out of the way for her. I would never take her back. I don’t respect her. I don’t see any redeeming qualities in her anymore. Not enough to feel the way that I do about her. But it still vexes, grieves, and hurts me when I think about her. Perhaps it’s true that the ‘heart wants what it wants.’ Fortunately for me, I’m not led by my so called heart. I have to control it otherwise, it would destroy me.

I think of her as a weakness of sorts. Like I’m a recovering alcoholic. I can’t touch the stuff. I hit rock bottom with that and I’ll be literally damned if I allow temptation to drag me down that road again. I wish I could shut it off, and perhaps one day, I’ll wake up and it will be gone. But as of now, she serves as an annoyingly constant reminder that you just can’t give your heart out like that. I truly wish I never fell in love like that with her and it’s probably one of my biggest regrets to date.

I would take a chance with another woman before going back to her. I’d rather be by myself. Yet as of right now, I’m facing the consequences of my poor choices and I have to deal with it. Rather than lying to myself, I gotta be real. It’s so hard to just be apathetic because I did love her so much. And I’ve learned that once you smoke that first hit of crack, allow yourself to be given over to someone so much…. it’s a bitch to get over it.

I think I could understand a woman who has gone through that. If she told me she really loved someone and he was like a weakness of sorts….in the past, I would have seen it as a red flag. I actually still would, but not necessarily a deal breaker for now IF she were able to articulate that to me.