Heavy Pants

It’s hard to remain positive towards STBXW. I don’t know what I ever really saw in her as a person. Just got off the phone with her and she’s supposed to be coming back this weekend to drop kiddo off. She still sort of throws my vibe off. I’m trying not to hate her, but it’s women like her who … ok people like her who ruin people for the next person. IT’s sad that they get to just live life oblivious to the destruction and pain they cause others. I’ve already come to the realization that karma may not exist and that she may never truly understand how deep she cut me. Our conversations these days are awkward at best, but usually cringy. She likes to try to make jokes and laugh, but I’m the serious one. I just can’t with her. I’m stuck in the frame of being the uptight prick while she seems to be in lala land without a care in the world. I hate that I hate this chick. Perhaps it’s my ego.

Perhaps it’s the fear that maybe she was right. Maybe I did deserve all of this somehow.

Still though, losing my family without so much as warning is a lot for a man to bear. Having to deal with her is sort of like picking at a wound and unfortunately, it seems that I’m going to have to carry this injury around for a while. It doesn’t hurt as much and the frequency is ever decreasing. But it still does pop up from time to time and I am reminded of how badly I fucked up when I decided to make her a part of my life. She hasn’t signed the papers yet. I have no clue what the hold up is. She claims that she doesn’t have time to do it. I told her it’s not fair to keep me in limbo like this. As usual, the acknowledged that I”mn right…..but still didn’t do a damned thing about it.

I have to watch my prayers as I’ve asked the most high to avenge me. I believe HE knows what’s best though. That is, if he’s even listening. Maybe I deserve this. I just need to get out of this slump. I’m not exactly lonely per se. There are things that I could and should be doing.

I gotta stay off of social media. Though I am truly happy for my friends and family who were able to maintain their marriages (I know it ain’t always easy….beleive me)…. but somehow, they manage to survive. I truly congratulate them and hope for the best for them. I am saddened by the loss of mine and it serves as a reminder as to why I’m not really on facebook anymore.

I just don’t understand how stbxw can be on social media….see her friends and family who still managed to maintain their families…and not feel a single bit of regret for destroying ours. I can’t feel sorry for her or people like her. I just don’t understand how people can recognize the evil in others (and even be offended by it) and yet manage to royally fuck something so basic up with no regrets.

Family is the staple of our community. It’s the very least we can do to give back to the community. It’s our duty and our responsibility. And yet this doesn’t seem to bother her one bit. My heart is metaphorically hurting right now. My family is gone. That witch destroyed it and it seems as if she simply doesn’t care.

I write here because I cannot share these feelings with anyone. It’s too heavy. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. Plus as a man this is my burden to bear. But shit, these strong shoulders feel a bit weary right now. I’m strong though. Gotta keep pushing.

“working on the weekend as usual”

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