I was looking over some old photos last night saved in the cloud and came across some of the old screenshots I took of stbxw and her affair partner. I haven’t looked at them in a few years, but upon reflection, it killed ANY and ALL thoughts of any sort of possible reconciliation. I didn’t realize how much leverage I had at the time with those. I should have threatened to post them to social media or something if she didn’t move out.

This guy (her AP) was truly a sick individual. He was literally instructing her to wait until I got home to put me on speaker so that he can hear me talk to her. In a few messages, he said, wait until your husband gets home, tease him, frustrate him, make him upset. Then proceeded to tell her that he was jacking off as she fucked with me mentally. She did it. He instructed her to gaslight me….and she gladly did it. This guy was a real piece of shit. He was literally using my pain as a means to get off. And she willingly complied.

She did that to me. Her husband. Her so called best friend. Her son’s father. After all I did for her and kiddo. Her family. And as if she were under some sort of spell, she forgot who I was to her and how I had always been there. The sad thing is that she never showed any remorse for any of this shit. In some of the texts, she even complained about she felt as if I might be right…..he simply ignored it those and continued to instruct her to do these things…. I had some idea that something was going on, but I had no clue to the entire scope of her betrayal.

Yet, I’m supposed to forgive her. Perhaps I shouldn’t have looked back at them, but then again, as of late, I found myself becoming more and more open to possibly patching things up if she showed signs of remorse. NOPE the fuck out of that. Her soul must be dead. Really.

I mean I am the type of person who tries to look for the good in people. I mean I know no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. But to betray someone on that level is a sign of grave depravity. Demonic even. I could never trust her. Her conscious is completely off. There are always two or more sides to every story, but I cannot find any reasonable explanation or justification as to how in any way shape, form, or fashion she could be so fucking wicked to me like that. Again, I had and still have never done anything (even with my own infidelity in response to her after the fact) to deserve that.

My lover has been acting a bit differently as of late. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Even though I’ve repeatedly told her that if she wants to start seeing someone else, to let me know and jsut be honest…..I’m not sure if I can even trust her with those minimal requirements. I’m at the point to where any promises I’ve made to her as far as seeing others may be null and void. Love and relationships are a contact sport and yet there is no honor in them. Perhaps the saying is true…. ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.

I don’t want to get my hands any dirtier than they already are. STBXW hasn’t signed the papers yet. I need out of this marriage ASAP. Not even for my lover’s sake, but because I am tired of this dirty game. I can’t say that I’m innocent as I’ve already done things that I just naturally don’t do in response to those around me. How low am I sinking? I’m just tired of playing this game.

I used to be worried that STBXW would find a relationship and ‘happiness’ with someone before I did. Now, considering what she did, I don’t care if someone takes her on. In a way, her lack of remorse for the way she betrayed me and destroyed our family makes me realize that whoever decides to ‘wife’ her isn’t getting much in the way of a good woman. Not even a decent woman. I’m sure the love-bombing phase will be great if she can fool someone. And even if the new person works out in the long run. I KNOW what she did to ME. So even if she never feels guilty or that it was somehow ‘worth it’…. She has to live the rest of her life knowing what she did willfully. No remorse lets me know that she could NEVER be a good woman….she literally lacks the light. But even if she somehow becomes remorseful (assuming there is any light left in her), her sense of immense guilt would be her own karmic debt to repay. By that time, I wouldn’t care and truly hope to have moved on to apathy or possibly even empathy. Either way, good luck and good riddance.

I think I’m developing a sort of PTSD in light of all of this. There is just so much darkness in people and I feel myself sinking to that level just to survive. I do beleive that wickedness and secrecy and degeneracy comes along with attraction. But i’m not ready to sell my soul over for sex or to get a woman infatuated. I’ll keep fighting the good fight for now. At least as well as I can, but it’s going to be A WHILE before I even consider entertaining a relationship. Between this, all the of the infidelity stories, the redpill content, this whole alpha vs beta male (narc vs empath) and all those nuances, and overall degeneration of today’s relationships….. I just don’t trust people when it comes to matters of the heart. And i’m not sure if I even want to play that game. MGTOW monk mode along with the occasional tinder hookup seems to be the best alternative. There seems to be too steep of a price to pay for true intimacy.

Unfortunately, that’s what I love the most. I love love. But love is a drug and I need to kick the habit. Am i becoming as toxic as the rest of these demons out here?