Stbxw dropped kiddo off this weekend.  I was hoping to talk with her and clear the air about everything.

      We talked on the phone, but didn’t see each other in person for long.    I was a little disappointed in that regard,  but I’m ok.

      I finally did get out almost everything i wanted to say.    I even let her talk.     I asked about karma and how she could move without fearing it getting baxk at her.

       She told me that she probably felt about as hurt from her ex ap’s rejection of her as i was from her cheating on me with him.

      Wow….talk about a slap in the gotdamned face.   Sooo despite that narc cheating with you,  leading u to betray me, and ultimately breaking and humiliating our family, she feels that her karma was losing him?

       I told her that her karma would have been her actually getting him.  

        I cant tell her how to feel, but WOW.    Man, that kind of stung.   Just saying,  it wasn’t like dude wasn’t wearing a redflag jersey.  

        It did cause me to ask myself tho if that is what ksrma is.   I mean, if you’re here driving down a road that you aren’t even supposed to be on and there are sign posts warning of an upcoming cliff and you just barrel through full speed ignoring all the signs….

     If you drive off the cliff…..is that karma?    Dunno.   Seems like she was in a play stupid games win stupid prizes kind of deal. 

Karma seems more like a way of humbling you in order to understand a deeper lesson.     She still seems selfish AF to me.    

       It blows my mind for her to think that losing him was her karma.  How TF does driving off a gotdamn cliff after being warned about it constitute karma?  If i get caught DUI and go to jail…despite me already knowing the dsnger and potential consequences….would karma be me killing someone or going to jail.   Or would it be simply the consequences of me doing stupid shit willfully.    

Karma just seems deeper than that and yet i cant quite put my finger on it. 

Losing our family wasn’t even enough to get a mention from her as far as regrets.  Splitting our home wasn’t even considered.    

She went futher to say that tho she realizes what she did was wrong, she turned did it because she was unhappy. That she was also wrong for not communicating her unhappiness with me….but she did what she felt she needed to do at the time to feel better….and that it did help.

And that she didnt care about working on the marriage. She didn’t care how i felt, but it wasn’t her intention to hurt me, though she felt resentment towards me.

She just wanted to feel better. Basically no regrets. She feels that it doesn’t make her a terrible person.

Personally, i still think its a pretty gotdamn shitty thing to do to a spouse who treated you well. Break your home while humiliating them in the process. All the while never even giving them a chance to fix or fight for the family. I mean this is some pretty terrible shit. No regrets about it nor the consequences makes her pretty terrible imho.

Our family wasnt worth even fighting for? She betrayed us…. for a person like him no less. And she feels bad because he “isnt a faithful dude”….(eye rolls.) …ma’am he was cheating with you.

What kind of sicko literally masturbates while listening in to two people on the phone discussing martial issues. Is this guy such a gotdamn loser that breaking up a family gets him off…. how did he even have the time for that shit? This is her king? What kind of woman even goes for that shit….. I cant respect her over that. She lacks character, integrity, self respect, intelligence, morals. How in the actual fuck did she think this was going to turn out well for her? And to betray your family over a loser like that?

     Though i appreciate her honesty on the whole situation…. it’s proof positive that she has 0 love for me or what she put me through.    Zero empathy.

      And though she said she was going to sign the papers after I told her how important to me it was.   I realize now that she gives 0 fucks about whats hurtful to me.    She’d probably do it if it  was convenient for her….or i suppose if he asked her to. Id be surprised if she actually does it.

         But the fact is that she had and still has no love for me and i think this is the hardest pill to swallow.   Its still as if I’m nothing to her.   

         Maybe im over thinking it.  I shouldn’t care anyway.  In a way, its helpful to know that she feels this way.   But it’s quite vexing that you could experience so many important life milestones with a person, had real love for them, and yet they feel more betrayed by the person they betrayed you for.

        I think that she’s lacking accountability in the matter.    She hasn’t really learned anything.    Consequences and accountability are two different things.    it seems that karma and Consequences are related, but not quite the same thing.

         But who am i to tell God/the universe/ the Most High how to do his job. Maybe it is her karma? I dont know.

She is who she is. I cant worry about it and i have to keep moving forward now armed with this information.

I have a weird feeling of liberation (further confirmation) that i must leave….but also hurt that thr loss of our family meant nothing to her.