Damaged goods?

    Just got off the phone with my lover and her friends.

    Apparently,  she’s in love with me.   Dunno why her friends feel the need to keep stressing that point.

      We all hung out over the weekend and all I could hear from them how much she loved me.

       Talk about pressure.    They really seem to like me for her as well.    Surprisingly despite them knowing about the stbxw.

       Still though.    Maybe I’m damaged.   I just can’t put my heart on the line.   I don’t want to.   I fear that out of control in love feeling of being in love like that.

    So while I do appreciate it….I just think that she’s in love.    But idk if she loves me beyond the superficial.  My fear is that…. my stbxw was in love as well for a while.    I gave my heart  completely over to her and so when she snapped out of it so to speak.    I was stuck (and in certain ways) still trying to let it go and get my heart back.

I am healing nicely and no contact is working wonders for that.   

But I never want to be put into a position of complete weakness again.

I don’t know if I’m “in love” with my lover.     But I’m perfectly okay with that.   I do love her in a real way.  I understand that i must treat her heart delicately right now….I just don’t trust that she really understands the difference between being “in love ” and love the way that I see it.

  She is such a woman when it comes to that.   A bit crazy, but her heart is good. I feel that I really could take advantage.

But I also felt that way about my stbxw in the beginning….the only difference being I went ahead and just gave her my heart….ignorantly not knowing the difference between actually loving and simply being in love.

Conversations around the subject with her friends show me that women are indeed fucking crazy…..or rather I’d say,  they seem to love that ish.   They want a man to be given over IF she reciprocates.

But the fleeting nature of being “In love” isn’t enough for me to just let it go again.    

I think it’s dangerous and real life decisions shouldn’t be predicated on those feelings.     Especially when you could potentially have kids and a family who could suffer in the future.

Women don’t want to h3wr that shit.   It’s like, they wanted a speech to declare my undying love for her.    Perhaps I could have given one IF I really gave myself over….or if I was just trying to impress them.

I don’t think they get where I come from when I told them that I love her in a real way.   But I am deathly afraid to becoming too emotionally attached.

I am already in unknown waters insofar as I really dont know how I’d feel if she decided to stop fucking with me.

I’d like to hope that I could bounce back fairly quickly.    At  least not be dry heaving and curled up in a fetal position like i was with stbxw.

It isn’t like Stbxw is just so amazing or anything.   I just gave her my heart.   I trusted her completely.  I thought that she truly loved me.   And it took me nearly 4 years of emotional abuse to finally get to a state of being able to finally breathe again.

I am either damaged goods or I’m just too fresh out of fucks to give.    As of now, I have NO clue as to why people still be trying to get married.   Lust just ain’t enough

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