Is this a key to forgiveness?

I was reading an article last night about people going through heartbreak and abandonment of marriage. The comments were chock full of people who either left or got left. This is a pretty common phenomena. A lot of us are out here wondering WTF happened? How could they do this to us? People leave spouses, break families, sleep with best friends and so forth. Unfortunately this happens a lot and it takes people years to recover….if ever.

I wonder if I had fallen out of love with STBXW and fell in love with say, her half sister or something (she’s gorgeous too btw)…. and let’s say we had an amazing chemistry….would I have been the douchebag who cheated behind STBXW’s back. (assuming Sister in Law was complicit). I have had fantasies of hooking up with her on a revenge tip if I’m honest, but she lives out of town. But if she ever moves over here….. Just joking? Just saying.

I could have easily fallen under the delusion that “all is fair in love and war”. Perhaps I would have justified that infidelity with all sorts of mental gymnastics, denial, and possibly cognitive dissonance. Perhaps i would have looked at it as “in the scheme of things of the entire universe”, this was just a blip. Maybe I just wouldn’t have cared about how much I hurt the stbxw. It’s easy for me to judge stbxw because I didn’t walk in her shoes.

Maybe I couldn’t fathom hurting her because I loved her….and I don’t know if I had much choice in the matter. I was still “in love” with her I think. I don’t know that was of my own doing anymore than I choose to beat my own heart. Perhaps this is why it was so hard for me to let her go. It wasn’t “me” doing it. I certainly would have loved to have the luxury of not having to go through this pain.

That type of “love” is blind….and “the heart wants what it wants”.

What if I had fallen out of love for the exact same reason i “fell in love with her”. Beyond my understanding.

Assuming that “falling in love” is a drug….and say in a moment of weakness, temptation or whatever, I hit that “crack pipe” perhaps I would have embarked on a downward spiral of hurting those I love, lying, gaslighting, cheating, destroying my family and everything else in order to get more of that drug. I mean, people can’t be that bad can they? Drugs and alcohol abuse change people. It alters our brain chemistry and turn us into monsters. Even though we (as humans) are responsible for the choices that we make…. when addicted to drugs, we do things and operate entirely differently. Take the saintliest saint in the world and get him addicted to heroin, who knows what the hell he’d do.

And if you take a smart person, he can logically twist all sorts of things using his cognitive biases and reasoning to justify damned near anything. We don’t live in a fallen world. It’s actually quite predictable if you have the knowledge. Really, it shouldn’t be a surprise that she is doing this. She fell into this trap. Many decent people in the early 80’s got hooked on crack because they didn’t know how addictive and terrible this drug was.

I stand by my assertion that “falling in love” is a form of madness. It’s a chemical addiction. We just don’t recognize it as such. Unfortunately, the highs that she experienced during her affair was well beyond anything she experienced with me. And once tasting the fruit….she can never come back. Perhaps the AP didn’t work out for her, but subconsciously, she knows that she can’t get those highs with me again. She’s out there chasing the dragon. And unless she hits rock bottom, she’ll continue to justify her “pursuit of happiness.”

Being that she’s not naturally a self reflective person….she’ll probably keep pursuing it. I wouldn’t say that she’s ruined, but she is not the same person that I married. She is who she is now. A damned love junkie. As I am in certain ways, but somehow, I ended up on the ‘morally high’ side of things. Unfortunately, I had to suffer horribly because of this. I guess somebody had to suffer and somebody had to be Judas in this story. Again, I don’t know why I loved her so much. I truly can’t say that it was a choice….because I wouldn’t have chosen to endure this much suffering over this. If I could snap my fingers right now and give 0 fucks. I would.

I have to let this go. She ruined our family unit. But again, she’s tuned in to a different frequency now. Her neurology has been radically altered. She’ll always be a junkie in the same way that former addicts describe themselves as current addicts even though they have been clean for a substantial amount of time. Their advantage is that they KNOW that they are always subsceptible to relapse. She’ll probably never get to that conclusion and for this reason. So despite missing what we had at the time, I have to accept that fact that she’s gone.

She is no longer that beautiful bride, pregnant with our son, who said “I do” to God, me, our family and friends in front of that alter all those years ago.

You see. My wife died a long time ago. And though she will always be my son’s mother….. that relationship will never change. Once she ate of the fruit, she wanted out of the garden and I have no choice but to kick her out. It changed our relationship.

Perhaps this is what the serpent meant by…”you won’t surely die” in the book of Genesis. They didn’t “die” in the sense that their physical bodies ceased to exist, but they did die in the sense that they were no longer…. on a fundamental level, their previous selves. Maybe she has transcended in a certain way. She’s no longer ignorant (to that type of high) and will always seek and crave it. And will do anything to get it. Her fundamental core principles have changed due to this… her heart has changed…..unfortunately for me, her heart is what I fell in love with.

So yeah, I’m also a junkie…. I was chasing that dragon. That heart that she once had. But It is an illusion. An apparition. A ghost. It’s gone, and I have to grieve it’s death as well as wean myself off of that drug. It hurts and I’m feeling the pains of withdrawal. I didn’t accept the fact that it was gone. But hopefully knowledge of this can help me do better in getting over this.

When I speak with her, I must remember that this isn’t my the woman that I married. She’s not my wife. My wife died a few years ago. This is a new woman. Unfamiliar, though she looks the similar. Perhaps I can be thankful that I did have her during the glory days of her youth and beauty. And we did conceive our child in the garden.

My wife died….and i have to learn to deal with this new woman. I need to divorce her as I don’t know who this new person is, but based on what I’ve seen, she wouldn’t be the type I’d marry anyway. As far as I’m concerned, she’s some rando who happens to be my child’s mother. A bittersweet accident, but we both are learning to co parent and be responsible for our child.

I can’t take what this new person does personally. I don’t know her like that and don’t really want to know her like that for real. She’s for the streets. She’s not any more terrible than anyone else in general, I don’t know my type exactly, but I do know she isn’t. That’s cool too. She’s just not for me.

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