Easier Said Than Done

Forgiveness is going to be a hard process. I’m finding it hard to get over how stbxw did this to me and to us. It’s so hard to not take it personally. I mean how could she just be so oblivious to how fucked up she treated me. How could she seem so … normal on one hand as far as knowing right from wrong. And yet and still feel no guilt nor remorse over the way that she acted in this. I was thinking about what I was going to say when we had “the talk” with kiddo the other day and I just got so enraged at the fact that she did this. I want to tell him the truth so badly, and yet for the sake of his mental health, I don’t know if it’s a great idea. I have to cover for her yet again.

This is just another example of how it seems like I’m always bailing her out. And yet it’s like she didn’t recognize all of things that I did for her over the years. Again, she doesn’t have to be married to me forever. But besides being a pretty decent husband, I was a pretty good friend to her. Seriously, how could she just betray me like that for some dick. Plus, how low vibrational could some dude be to go in and take her on, knowing that she was out here destroying her family.

This is another reason I’m afraid of “falling in love” if it makes you act this irrationally. Then I want no parts of it.

I really dislike her for the way she did it. I’m not mad that she fell out of love nor the fact that she wants separation. I’m mad that she unilaterally decided to destroy our family, without giving me any heads up or warning. I’m mad that she seems to give 0 fucks about the way it might affect kiddo. I’m mad that she didn’t love us enough to even try to fix it. That she could actually sleep at night and not lose one ounce of sleep from destroying our family unit. That she didn’t even give me a chance to see if we could fix things, if not for me, for our family. As if we were just some disposable napkin or something to be discarded without any thoughts as to how it would affect the rest of our future. I’m mad at the fact that she won’t acknowledge it nor accept the fact that she didn’t do it for HER, she did for someone else. Some douchebag who literally got off on seeing her destroy her family unit. And while we suffer, she walks around now with some new douchebag who already has 3 kids already, without a single care in the world.

Reconciliation at this point is impossible. I have 0 respect for her. No desire for her. I briefly spoke to her on the phone last night and did a pretty great job of grey rocking her. I was cordial, stuck to the topic about kiddo and bills and didn’t engage in any small talk. She tried small talk, and I immediately shut that shit down with “I don’t want to talk about that.” I let her do most of the talking for a change. Small victory for me. I’ll take it.

I considered even spite fucking her one last time, but tbh, I wouldn’t stick my penis in her if we were the last two people on earth. Knowing what I know about her, she’s disgusting. I thought about just doing it one more time to get back at the new douchebag. He also knows we are married and have a family. But nah, fuck that. She’ll eventually cheat on him with some other zero. I’ll let the streets give him karma. Her goofy ass probably be out here having unprotected sex anyway. And given the way she ‘love bombs’ people, who knows what kind of stuff she’s out there doing. Fuck that. Plus, I’ll never give her the satisfaction of sexual pleasure from me again.

Knowing that it’s basically over, you’d think that I’d be over it. But no, I’m still so mad at her for the way she did it. We are not compatible at all and I regret marrying her in the first place. She’s about as deep as a kiddie pool. Shallow as a saucer of milk. Looking back, the sex was really not all that good. For real. I was flattered that I could make her come so fast and at the time, I was thinking that I was the man. I measured sexual performance based on how good I could fuck her, but didn’t really consider how much she gave back to me. It’s not a deal breaker as if she had a good heart, I wouldn’t complain too much. But now, oh hell no. Perhaps these other guys also feel “like the man” when they fuck her. They can have it. I’m good. She can fool them (probably not really even necessary for these desperate, low vibrational simps) but WE know what she did and WE know that she isn’t the first bit concerned about it.

So between the mediocre sex, constant betrayal, lies and deceit, lack of remorse, and lack of compatibility. I can really see no way back. I don’t think that there is anything she could say or do to get me to love her like that again. Even though I feel terrible for kiddo. I just can’t see myself back with her. I can’t find any redeeming qualities about her. She’s kind of cute, but even that’s going downhill pretty fast. Plus, IDC if she were an instagram 10, looks aren’t as important to me (as far as wifing someone) as it once was. I just can’t do (cuff) superficial chicks who lack morals or integrity. She may be able to hide what she did from other / new guys, given her track record of guys she chose after the affair, they probably don’t care anyway. They aren’t really much better off than me financially it seems. They certainly don’t look better than me and given how they know about her situation, I’m pretty sure they have low vibrational energy. Either that or they are just desperate for the attention and the love-bombing from a decent looking chick gets them hooked. I’m not saying that I’m playa playa either, but at this age, I do have higher standards as far as wanting to claim someone.

I’m talking ish. Maybe they do recognize her for what she is and how she belongs to the streets, so why shouldn’t they capitalize on this desperate chick trying to hook someone into her web of deceit? I mean free gifts and basically NSA desperate freaky sex. Maybe they do see her for what she is and are just taking advantage of the situation. The average guy doesn’t get that type of attention to fall into their lap too often, so why not have some fun. Why not string her along and milk it for as much as they can for as long as they can. Truth be told, they didn’t make her do anything.

Despite assisting her with destroying her home, she was going to eventually find someone who would. If not them, it would certainly be someone else. There isn’t anyting remotely r Funny, but her ex ap said something to that degree a while ago to me even though I think he did end up catching feelings. Thinking back, even if she had given him another child, she has a great job and could afford to take care of it on her own. Icing on the cake for him. Either way, it’s no longer my problem. I’ll let the streets figure that out.

I have my issues for sure and I’m working on them. But I am loyal, fair, and empathetic. I don’t mind holding up my end of the deal and I’m a fairly decent communicator. I have a mostly giving heart. Looking back, I did a lot of things right in the marriage, but now I see what I could have done better. If I decide to get married again, I beleive that I could be an ever better man and I’m sure that I still have more to learn. But I’d be willing to put in that work if she reciprocates.

That said, divorce is the order of the day. I don’t know why I keep putting it off. I don’t love her anymore. I’m just angry and that’s what’s keeping attached to the situation. Hopefully, making it official that we aren’t married can help with this. I feel that I’m closer than ever to being officially ‘over it’. I am. I think that I’ve finally snuffed out that last dying/yet persistent ember of hope. There is no way back.

Hopefully, once this divorce is done, i can start working on forgiving her. Perhaps the final piece in all of this is having the “talk” with kiddo. This is going to be the biggest hurdle and once over that, it should be all downhill as far as being able to finally forgive and letting it go.

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