Freeing and Letting Go

The other day, I decided to radically let go of her. What I mean by radically, I mean that I decided to literally say something along the lines of “I free you and let you go in peace.” In my prayer. I asked God to give me peace and strength. In addition to just saying it, I tried to feel it as I spoke it. Meaning, I imagined what it would feel like if I truly did this….as I was speaking it.

That feeling is a sense of peace and tranquility. In a bodily sense, it is intentionally removing the anxiety I felt in my heart area and stomach area and replacing that with relaxation. It’s not an easy thing to do immediately. It’s slippery if you hold on for too long, too hard. But once I finally dialed it in….I made a mental record of it and tried to approximate that feeling for as long as I could.

In other words, I tried to muster up all of the honest conviction I could in the moment to just let this go. From this, I discovered that part of the ‘hope’ deep and buried in my subconscious was that if I never let go and held on to a tiny piece of her, then she’d feel it, sense that “our special bond” was about to break and that she’d reconsider. That she’d somehow just I dunno, change her mind or something. It was like, it was (as stupid as this sounds) my responsibility somehow to keep the connection alive between us. Like, all of this suffering was to prove that I loved her the whole time. And that it was on me to make sure that our ‘spiritual’ connection didn’t get totally severed. Yes, very stupid. Stupid games give you stupid prizes. But again, this was a subconscious thought.

I gotta keep digging those subconscious beliefs out as they have to be the reasons why this has been so hard for me. Why should I be so angry that she chose to leave. Sure she did it in a really fucked up way. She didn’t respect me. She didn’t appreciate me enough. But again, though the effect was that I felt that she owed me something….say respect. IRL, how the fuck can I enforce that. Maybe she didn’t feel that way. Or even if she did, it wasn’t enough to stop her from doing all this bullshit. The ONLY way you can make someone appreciate something is to take it away…..and even then, they may discover that they don’t value that thing anyway.

I can’t control her feelings (which people tend to act upon anyway mostly) without manipulation. Which I kind of suck at doing anyway. Plus, she hurt me so bad to a point where I just don’t desire her like that anymore. There is no way back for US. And looking back, if all of the memories we had, our family, our son, our vows, my sincere love, and all the things I did for her wasn’t enough. That our friendship and philia love wasn’t valuable enough to her…. Then I can only say that I did what my best with what I had and what I knew. Our definition of love is different. It was real for me, I can say that. Hers….who’s to say, but it’s not what I’d call love exactly based on her actions.

Knowing This and listening to a constant playlist on youtube of women cheating on their husbands in the most atrocious, disrepectful, and heartbreaking ways …. coincidentally, a lot of redpill content creators have been talking about how these types of things drive some men to suicide or killing others… and how it is VERY important to vet these women and even afterwards, don’t LOVE with your heart. Has been helping.

Her actions are not uncommon. Her mindset isn’t out of the ordinary these days unfortunately. There are a LOT of hurting souls out there. Heartbreak is a real thing as much as we’d like to trivialize, it often does cause a LOT of emotional pain and mental trauma. Perhaps she’s unaware or possibly doesn’t care.

Either way, I’ve learned that you can’t make a person like this change. Any show of love from them is superficial and done with an agenda. It’s a very selfish type of love. Any show of love from this type is strategic and not from an authentic place. They literally lack the capacity either out of missing something or ignorance. You can’t really expect them to be something they cannot be. Otherwise, shit like this happens to you if you expect more from them. She is who the fuck she is….and trying to make her something she isn’t is a fools errand. My dick is magical, but I ain’t no gotdamned magician. lol

I held on and got burned. There is something about a trauma bond that’s just brutal on people.

I listened to a video about some guy who’s second wife cheated on him and basically did many of the things my stbxw did to me. He listed all of the detective work he had to do to catch her in lies. I mean lies after lies after lies. And even after he confronted her with this evidence, she’d either deny, act like it wasn’t as big of a deal, blameshift to him, or change her tactics.

Though he ‘talked big’ and loudly proclaimed his boundaries to her. She kept doing stuff and getting caught. She was pretty much unremoseful. She didn’t do it in ways that were blatant. But in ways where it was just enough to keep that “hope” alive inside of him. I’ve you’ve never experienced it, you’d never know.

But upon listening to his reports and updates on the situation….and realizing how I did the same things….I understood something else. The more you talk about it…. try to explain yourself, try to threaten, try to place boundaries, try to catch them, and so forth…. it shows that you’re still too emotionally invested to really do anything about it. They know that they can get you back. They can show you the act right if they wanted to. They really could fix this if they really cared about hurting you or feared you moving on without them. They don’t want you like that and they know that you’re not going anywhere. My lover told me that she’d do the same thing to me if I let her. Red flag, but real talk. I understood what she was saying. I don’t think that I’d actually hurt someone like that….especially now knowing the real damage it does to people mentally. But I get how if someone thinks they have that kind of power over you, could become drunk with it.

That woman cheated on that guy like 5 times (that is with 5 different people). Most people with a decent amount of self respect and esteem wouldn’t take a person back once. Let alone twice. She doesn’t love and respect him despite all that he did for her….including pay all of the bills and help with the housework. He still had to sneak into her phone, install a gps tracker, and put a voice activiated recorder in her car. Despite her still failing to stop. He still kept confronting her and trying to lay down more boundaries.

I’m so guilty of that. I don’t know why I’m trying to tally up the score to the point where I’ve had enough. Her cheating once and subsequent lack of remorse really shows me how pathetic I really was. To my defense though, I had enough and did try to get her to leave. This witch knew she had me painted into a corner and took advantage of the fact that she didn’t have to vacate the property. Added to the hell of not wanting to hurt kiddo AND knowing that I didn’t have anywhere to go….she pretty much had her way. I also failed by trying to hide the truth from kiddo.

It’s a lot to have to deal with. I got abused in her exit strategy. I made it worse by caring. My pride actually did more damage as I should have just let it go, allowed her to do whatever the hell she wanted to do, not say anything, and quietly planned an exit strategy. No further evidence needed as the first unremorseful cheat should have been enough for me to be hell bent on leaving this home that she burned down.

Men who love like this are often called Simps. I get it. But I do think that it’s something deeper. I think it is normal for some guys to want to protect the family at all costs. A lot of us were happy. But this is the risk we pay when the foundation of our happiness is family and the women that we love.

Kiddo is my responsibility. However, I cannot be the best version of myself for him if my mental health is in the dumps. I’m not teaching him to value himself (by example) by putting up with that type of disrespect from a woman.

STBXW and I differ greatly as she feels that children should not be “in grown folks business”. And yet I feel that we should be accountable for actions. In fact, she put him in ‘our’ business by helping create this environment. I really don’t want to risk damaging their relationship if I tell him the truth. Obviously not all the gory details….but I do feel that he should know the truth….and it would be on her to take accountability to make it right. Who knows, he might even be understanding?

But as a man. As his father, i do think that he should KNOW the reason WHY we’re splitting. Otherwise, I’d be teaching him that it’s ok to go back on promises, vows, and responsibilities BECAUSE you just stopped feeling like doing it. If you can give up on your family and those who depend on you and trust you just because you ‘feel’ unhappy about handling your responsibility, then why not give up on anything once it becomes hard.

She lacks integrity. And while pretty women can get away with this, we as men….especially black men are not afforded this luxury. The consequences along with loss off reputation is huge. Plus it isn’t operating upon masculine principle. It’s the difference between a stand up guy and a snake. We must live by higher principles and the truth is that no one cares about men’s feelings in a real way. Our personal pride and integrity is all that we have and the higher standard that we hold ourselves to the more we can rightly require out of others.

While she may think I’m being….petty. It’s her lack of morality in this important issue that has us here in the first place. She thinks it’s ok to ‘hide’ things and that if you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. That ma’am is a lack of integrity….but if you so choose to live that way, then if the light shines in on your bullshit, you have to take accountability. Meaning that you have to by very definition take the consequences…. Consequences usually aren’t pleasant AT all in these cases.

It’s not about being petty. It’s about being principled. I’m thinking that the next stop to all of this is figuring out how to tell him. But i have to do it in a way where he can the get the message of forgiveness without being a doormat. I don’t want to eff him psychologically.

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