I know that stbxw will never come across this blog, and even if she did, she’d never read it even though it would be a way to understand my most inner thoughts towards her and our situation. She’s just not that type of person who cares enough….knowing this is somewhat relieving. Reason #289 why we are not compatible….lol

She never loved me for real. I don’t know if she’s capable of ever loving someone in a deep way. Id be really surprised if she were anyway.

Personally, I think that I’d be interested in knowing a potential s/o’s thoughts about their previous relationships, but then again, I wouldn’t read a journal or diary bcuzit might be too personal so I wouldn’t read it…..not out of disinterest, just out of a respect of their privacy….I write this as therapy for me under a pen name and hopefully someone else out there going thru something similar can gain some insight to help them through this dark time.

In any case, I wonder why the break ups with all of my exes felt mild in comparison to this. Even the bad/no so amicable ones.

I was ready to leave…..I didnt ruminate nor did I need to use ‘no contact’ as a tool of either getting their attention or as a space to heal. I just never looked back . Sure, it hurt for a week or so….but I don’t recall ever being in so much pain.

I actually looked forward to life without them despite still having ‘some’ feelings there.

Stbxw is most likely seeing me in the same way as I saw my exes. Perhaps she’s so distracted with potential new love options/interests that she jsut doesn’t take the time to think about me. Plus she never really loved me LIKE THAT anyway….and financially she’ll not really losing much.

I just wish I had the luxury of NOT feeling so hurt by this. Even if I did truly love….why is it so damned painful?

I hate the fact that my body is going through so much pain and yet she probably feels and will never feel anything close….at least towards me. It just seems so unfair that I suffer while she gets off relatively pain free. Yet she did me so wrong with all the unnecessary cheating, lying, betrayals, and gaslighting. Perhaps this is what trauma bonding is all about.

Deep down, I think that I just want her to suffer emotionally because of the way she treated me. It’s not necessarily because she wanted out. I still want justice but I believe that if karma does bite her in the ass…..it won’t be because she felt bad about doing it this way.

I just want the pain to stop. I don’t care about karma at this point right now. Why is it so hard sometimes to let this shit go? I feel so stupid. The idea of suffering because a person who treated you like shit finally moved on with their life. Why am I not cool…if not ecstatic at the possibilities for the future? Relationships can’t get much worse than this…and I’ve learned so much about what I will accept and won’t.

My esteem isn’t so low as to beleieve that she was the BEST I could do….what is this evil demonic spell she cast on me? I REALLY HAVE NO REASON TO WANT TO HOLD ON….nor any reason to hope for reconciliation. I don’t even see HOW it would be possible….AT ALL

Is this just the universe….”universing” through me? Perhaps it’s just destiny or karma for me to have to feel this pain…..maybe it was just my destiny.

This part of the story sucks. Can’t wait for this chapter to be over.