Feeling so much better

No contact does appear to be working for me. It’s been a couple of days since I had my last REAL intense bout of anxiety. Time really does help heal all wounds. I was thinking how I used to have the anxiety during ALL woke hours of the day in the beginning to it gradually decreasing and now it’s not every day. I’m not sure how it’s going to work with me from here on out as I am aware that they did seem to happen out the blue from time to time. But I am taking the decrease in ‘attacks’ to mean that I am even closer to the finish line.

I’m still not at the wheeew wow, I feel… normal phase. But then again, it’s been so long since I’ve felt ‘normal’ that I don’t know how that really feels anymore. But I will say that I am much better as of now.

She did text me the other day about some random things that didn’t have to do with business, but I didn’t reply as I told her from the beginning that I needed time to heal. She also called, but I didn’t answer nor reply by text. It felt weird in a way. I felt good for a second, but then I felt kind of shitty.

Unfortunately, I have to admit that I have been back to snooping though. Damn. That’s the next drug I need to break. Even though I signed out of her account, the damned browser remembered her password. The night I signed her out, I tried to get back in and it wouldn’t let me. But the next day, in a moment of weakness, I tried again and somehow, it remembered and let me back in. UGH….. I don’t know what I’m looking for at this point.

It really doesn’t seem right and I have to STOP that shit. As I type this, I’m tempted to check to see if any new photos got uploaded. I did see from accidental text screenshots that she was still in contact with her latest affair partner. Honestly though, I’m not surprised and in certain ways, I don’t care. At least, I don’t think so.

I’m no psychologist. But from what I’ve been researching and based on people who’ve experience narcissistic abuse. She may be a covert narc. I’m still a little hesitant on giving her this title as I might be mad that she decided to move on. I will say that they all pretty much described that their relationships followed a very similar pattern to this one…. From the idealization/lovebombing phase where I was swept off my feet to the discard/devaluaton phase where all empathy and respect was completely lost.

From their accounts, I should expect a couple of things:

  1. if she finds a new steady supply, the relationship will progress rather rapidly and I should expect that she’ll either start posting that new person online….(maybe, but she is a private person, so maybe not)… or she’ll start bringing him around family. She may go so far as to introduce kiddo to them. I can’t put it past her. Whether she does or doesn’t, I just have to prepared that this is a huge possibility. I’m not sure how well I can handle that right now, but if it does happen, it helps a little to at least see it coming.

2. She may try to hoover and breadcrumb to get me back in if the supply isn’t giving her what she needs. Even if things are going pretty well with him, she may try to triangulate and pretend as if she isn’t dealing with him anymore. I’m thinking that this is going to depend on whether or not her ‘backup’ supply is good enough for her.

3. She may try to spread rumors or outright lie about the nature of our relationship, This would be pretty bad for her because I do have evidence of her infidelities including photos, text exchanges, voice recordings and so forth with time stamps. Hopefully it won’t get that bad.

4. She may move on with her life and proceed as if nothing has happened. It is highly likely that she won’t even think about me at all and has pretty much forgotten about me. In the best case scenario, these were exit affair(s). Not intentionally malicious despite the damaging impact to my mental well being. She wanted out and just didn’t know HOW to handle it maturely.

5)She might try to fix it…. but given her scorched earth tactics, I’m fairly certain this will not happen. Even if she does, conventional wisdom is that you should NEVER take someone back like that after they treated you this way because they never change. She knew how to at least try and salvage some aspects of our friendship and refused to do so. It’s going to take a loong time before I’d even consider trying to even be her friend out of fear that there is something in me that might be vulnerable to her. Trauma bonds are hard to overcome from what I hear. I don’t want to hate this woman either, but SHE is NOT my friend.

At this point, I have to consider her like a former drug that I was addicted to. I cannot even flirt with the possibility of any sort of relationship, sex, friendship or anything. We have to coparent….but this must be done from as much distance and with as little emotion as possible.

Make no mistake, my admission of possible vulnerability to her is not trying to give myself an out….just in case I change my mind. I’d consider going back to her as a complete failure on my behalf….I just have to admit that I truly don’t know how much power she still has over me (it really could be none)…but I’m not taking any chances. She had cast a powerful spell on me and I cannot take it lightly.

I have to be prepared for anything.

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