Falling in Love… Don’t Do it

Man I swear that falling in love with a chick is the worst thing that a man can do. Liking her is ok. I’m not saying that you can’t even love her from a place of friendship. But longing, missing, and desiring to be with her has got to be the worst thing that you can do.

Fuckboys got it right. They’re wrong for lying and treating her heart like shit. But they are right in that they don’t develop strong feelings like that. You just never know how this woman is going to turn out. If you fall, and she either changes or hits you with the bait and switch…..it’s going to be a bad time. She isn’t worth it. And trust me, she won’t care if you no longer think that she is.

You have to dig yourself out of that depression or hole. I love women. My sisters, my mother, cousins, my lover. But it gets into dangerous territory with my lover at times. I have to actively remind myself to look at redpill content to keep myself from falling. I beleive that if I end up “head over heels” for her, she’ll lose attraction. Her expectations of me will rise to an astronomical degree. Even if I were super successful financially, she’d still partly lose that desire.

It seems that women want what they can’t have. They’ll take for granted that they already have. They’ll want more. Keeping a distance seems to be the only way to keep her somewhat interested. Of course, that’s dangerous too as someone out there may eventually give her what she wants. But if he does, then he shoots himself in the foot too. Why do I want to love anyone anyway. I just want “my person” and we’ll conquer the world together somehow. But that’s probably just a myth.

I say all of that because despite the shitty way my wife treats/treated me. And all of the complaints I have agianst her. Sometimes, I have to check myself. I don’t hate her. I just hate the way she makes me feel about myself. I hate the way that I am still somewhat hung up on her. When I say that there really is no attraction there, I really want to believe that. But There has to be something going on as to why when she pulls away, I feel a certain way about it. I don’t know why though. I fell really hard for her back when we first met. My guard was completely down. Here it is going on 5 years later and I’m still somewhat vexed by that fact. I HATE IT.

I don’t even really want her back. Truth be told, I don’t even really like her. We haven’t made love in years. The pity sex is terrible. Communication sucks. We don’t really have fun. Then there is the cheating. We don’t have much of anything in common. I constantly catch myself sighing when she’s around. My dick actually burns when I had sex with her. Like i fucked a grapefruit or something. It never did with anyone else before or after. My STI tests come back clean. If that ain’t a sign, I don’t know what is. I have so many other complaints. Hell, she’s average looking at best objectively. Though at one time, she was my 10. I feel cursed for having loved her so damned hard.

Why am I so insecure around her. It’s like we can’t just talk. Everything is just so forced. I just need to be away from her I think. She doesn’t understand how this is taking a toll on my emotional and mental health. I tried explaining it, but she just sits there. Silently. Not saying anything about that. Changing the subject to some bullshit. “ma’am I don’t give a fuck about basketball wives or growing up hip hop right now (or ever for the record).

How did something start off so beautiful end up so toxic.

I found out that the mysterious 3am call was her ex affair partner. She claims that it was a random call. But once again, I can tell the difference in her. It’s like she doesn’t even notice that she acts differently…..even worse when someone else is in the picture. Why is she so fucking stupid? A 40 year old woman acting like a 17 year old teen. Falling for weak ass game. I read their texts and it’s just terrible. I mean, I don’t see how it works. I’ve read other guys texts to her her and they were considerably better. Dude has 0 game (text game anyways), but she sees/saw something in him. I guess it works for a certain type, but just saying, I couldn’t see myself in a mental space to be saying/tying some of that shit. I didn’t see anyting I’d steal…..Just saying. But it goes to show how incompatible we are. She’s just not MY type I guess. He must like slow immoral women with terrible values. Like attracts like they say.

This is so toxic. Perhaps I’ll call a lawyer today and see what my options are. I can’t afford a divorce attorney. But something has to give.

In reality, he can have her. I don’t care. I just don’t want her living with me while sneaking around with that narcissitic bastard. Dude got all these other kids and all these baby mama’s that he keeps cheating on. He’s a notorious cheater and even IF he changes for her, that’s their business and I don’t want any parts of it. If he makes her happy despite all of that….so be it. I really could give 2 fucks. I just don’t need that energy around me. He literally gets off on the idea of her cucking me for some reason. Confirmed by a few texts that I saw exchanged between them. I don’t deserve that shit. I don’t even know the dude personally, but I’m not trying to be a part of his sick ass fetish. Perhaps both of those sickos/psychos are really better for each other. Either way, I don’t want anything to do with either of them. I don’t need that type of energy in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if she is a bot. I mean seriously. How can anyone lack self reflection that degree. Something has to be seriously wrong with her mentally. She’s off. Has to be. I can’t explain how someone could just be THAT way. I’m not perfect, but got damned. This chick is just off and really doesn’t get it. I can’t make her get it. I fucked up when I decided to make a family with her. She’s the worst thing that ever happened to me. Ironically, she gave me the best thing that ever happened to me though. Kiddo.

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