Realizing that your wife is having an affair is one of the toughest things a man might ever have to face. It’s even more devastating that one could imagine….Especially if you truly loved and trusted her. Emotional wounds are difficult to gauge as there are usually no external scars to see. I’ve listed 9 of the things I’ve experienced over the last 2 years. If you’re on the fence about whether to cheat on your spouse or not and you care for them in any capacity, this list will let you know what effect your actions will have on them.
1)Loss of self Esteem
The affair probably isn’t really about them. If your spouse has no idea that you’re unhappy because you haven’t/couldn’t talk to them, they think that things are fine. They aren’t mind readers. If they truly love you, then they’d probably bend over backwards to try and address any issues you had with them, even if it hurt. Trust me, cheating will hurt them way worse then just telling them what your problem is.
From a man’s perspective, though we might seem somewhat callous, it strikes at our very manhood. Are we not good enough for you? Funny enough? Make enough money? Were you faking it in bed? We begin to second guess ourselves and wonder if we are good enough for anyone. Is our game that bad. It feels like a rejection who we are as a person. Especially if we thought we were doing a pretty decent job as a husband.
How could you just throw away our memory, history, and friendship? On a certain level, we feel worthless as you were probably the one of if not the most important person in our lives.
2)Causes PTSD symptoms
Songs, text notifications and ringtones from your type of phone, and even certain movies can trigger an anxiety attack. Things associated with that time period of uncertainty and pain can suddenly bring on deep and profound pain. My wife has an iPhone and hearing the buzzing of text notification causes anxiety in my heart, even when someone else in public is using the default. Her being on the phone does it for me now. I can’t help but wonder who she’s texting.
Certain popular love songs also trigger me as I often wonder if she associated those songs with her ‘lover’. I don’t even want to see movies that came out at the time as I wonder if she went to see it with him. Any new experience she talks about makes me wonder if she experienced them with him. There are so many ‘landmines’ that cause triggers that the world seems like a mind field.
3)They lose trust in themselves
Cheating comes along with lying and ‘gaslighting’. For those unfamiliar with the term, it basically means that you’re told that your map of ‘reality’ isn’t accurate. You may be told that you don’t remember something accurately. Or that something happened that didn’t really happen. Either way, someone you really trusted to keep you grounded begins to make you question what you ‘know’. Often times they are lying, but just as often, they are telling the truth. It’s the worse mix as they aren’t always lying so you have to learn to determine what’s truth and what isn’t. It’s enough to drive someone mad.
You don’t know what to believe at times. In the case of my wife, she would be on the phone all day, but hold it at an angle where I couldn’t see what she was doing. If I happened to catch a glimpse of the screen, she’d immediately return it to the homescreen. Then I’d be accused of being nosy and not giving her ‘privacy’. Of course that made me even more suspicious. I’d then be accused of being insecure.
Now I’m questioning if I am insecure. Even though I knew she probably wasnt’ texting him all day, I knew that she did in between facebook, Instagram, texting her friends, and whatever the hell else she was looking at on there. She’d lie and say she wasn’t, but I did catch it enough times to know that she did lie about it a lot. IMHO it is insult to injury when you text a lover right in front your s/o. But since I couldn’t prove it per se. I could myself thinking that she was always doing it. I realized that in her mind, I was being petty because I always accused her even though she only did it occasionally.
We also begin to wonder how we missed the ‘red flags’ and how could we trust ourselves to choose a person who wouldn’t to this to us in the future.
4)Makes them lose faith in ‘love’
Betraying someone like that who trusted you makes it hard for them to trust anyone. We expect people we treat right to treat us the same way. We wouldn’t have gotten this deep into a relationship if we didn’t love, respect, and trust you. To betray that makes us question everything when it comes to romantic relationships. To us, love then seems like it’s just a temporary feeling of lust and infatuation. It becomes downgraded from action, integrity, loyalty, respect, etc…..to just being a lusty/chemical feeling. We feel stupid for having such a naïve view.
5)Makes you hate the other gender
The forums are flooded with MGTOW and red pill literature which states that women are hypergamous by nature and can really never truly love a man. Sayings like “You can either love a woman, or understand her nature, but not both” or “She’s never yours, it’s just your turn” become mantras to us. It’s happened to so many guys that it does seem that there is truth in ideas that women don’t have the capacity to love a decent man. We see that bad boys and selfish men do better with women and we begin to hate women for that.
We want to become selfish players ourselves (out of necessity) or just not deal with women period. Either way, we don’t want to put ourselves back into a vulnerable position for someone (women) who’d never have the capacity to truly appreciate it. Honestly, I’m still wrestling with this. I’m keeping my self open because I don’t want to believe that most women are like this. But still, I don’t want to bury my head in the sand either.
6)Causes you to either lose or gain a lot of weight
You either eat a lot, don’t eat, or drink a lot of alcohol to cope. Expect for them to have many sleepless nights as they toss and turn dealing with emotions that we aren’t used to having. I lost about 15 pounds because I just couldn’t eat. I was so tired that I was walking around like a zombie during my working hours.
7)Makes you jealous and obsessive
at one time I was obsessed with checking her phone records. I couldn’t wait until she went to sleep to check her phone even though I knew she was still in constant communication with him. I was also obsessed with researching affairs, MGTOW literature, and reading comments on these articles. It became a game of cat and mouse where I was always looking for something to catch her in. The problem is that when I did catch her, I’d just complain and argue, but she’d do nothing about it except lie or call me crazy.
8)Causes mentally instability
Sometimes you’re ready to throw in the towel and say screw it, but then an hour later you’re wanting to forgive and work on fixing things. And I mean you feel each feeling with conviction.
I’ve learned that the cycle of grief. You know from denial, to acceptance and in between are actually cyclical in nature. You don’t just go through each phase once and be done. You can go through each one several times in a day.
One minute you’re angry, the next you’re sad, the next you’re hopeful, then back to anger again. It’s a truly shitty ride. I don’t understand why some women are addicted to that ride. I prefer nice, stable, ‘boring’ emotions. Let me determine if I want to break out and choose to be enthusiastic or mad about something or not. I don’t need something else determining that for me.
I used to be pretty emotionally stable. I mean I never really cried or obsessed about anything that I didn’t choose to. I’d have to make myself mad or sad or enthusiastic and after acting on that feeling for a bit, I could get into the role so to speak. After that, it felt like I almost lost complete control of my emotions. That’s a tough thing to handle.
9)Makes you realize that emotional pain is just as real as physical pain
When people say that it hurts, it actually does. While not centralized to a general location on your body like in a case where you stub your toe, it’s a weird sensation of generalized intense pain. There have been nights I’ve been balled up on the floor in a fetal position, moaning, and crying, unable to breathe. It felt like what I’d imagine an exorcism feels like. TBH, I had considered suicide, not at the idea of losing her, but just because the pain wouldn’t go away. It was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. (Well maybe cheaters so they’d know what the were doing to people). I sometimes wish she could feel what I felt for a week. It’s real.
Before you go out and cheat, I understand that it may not be your intention to do hurt someone this way, but seriously, if you have loving s/o at the house and children, please reconsider. This new ‘flame’ most likely won’t work out in the long run. Just look at the statistics on how the majority of relationships (married or not) turn out. It may feel good now and seem like it will last forever, but damn near everyone feels that way in the beginning. Eventually, that honeymoon phase will cool down the real person will emerge. You just never know what you’re going to get, no matter how good it seems in the beginning.
I never expected this from my wife. I’m sure she never expected this of me either. Over the years, I proved myself to her, sacrificing in the name of true love and she threw it away for temporary feelings of lust and infatuation. You just never know. To take a chance like that and crush and destroy someone who truly loved you as well as your family home….yes your kids will suffer as well … for a most likely temporary feeling is as selfish as it sounds. If you decide to continue on this route, just know what you’re doing to someone who loved you.
If you “love” but are no longer “in love” with your spouse, please save the heartache. Place your lover on the back burner for a minute and divorce them first. If they are real and truly love you, they’d understand and will be there. You are causing an innocent person who loves you pain beyond you could ever imagine. You are also actually making it more difficult for them to find love again as they develop trust issues that could potentially run off anyone who would actually love them. You are truly ruining their life.