Never say this to a betrayed spouse

“An affair is a symptom of an unhappy marriage, not the cause.”

While there may be some truth to the statement, I hate that statement.  It sounds like a line that a cheater would tell their accomplice or vice versa in order to make themselves feel better about doing what they were doing.     Like with most lies, it does contain some elements of truth.   Here are four reasons to never say that to someone who got cheated on.

1)  It seems to absolve the cheating party from all personal responsibility.  The cheating person seems to be justified, almost even exonerated for “doing what they had to do”.  Now it looks the victim had just as much blame as the cheater.  It’s like blaming a women in a sexy outfit for getting raped because she shouldn’t have been wearing suggestive clothing.

2)Marriage and committed relationships require communication and honesty.   If needs aren’t being met, then the other person should have the right to know.   If the betrayed spouse cannot/will not comply, then simply leave.   This isn’t about ownership or controlling someone, it’s about honesty.  You might not owe it to them to stay with them if you’re unhappy, but you do owe them some respect.   Especially if it’s that person who adores you, treated you well,  but you just don’t love them like that anymore.   It’s your responsibility to leave and hurt someone first, rather than to put them through the pain, trauma, and humiliation that comes along with cheating.  Nothing hurts worse than to be discarded by someone who pretended everything was just fine, only to suddenly hear that they were so unhappy.  The long term affects are just devastating.   In fact, a weird jedi mind trick that ‘bad boys’ know is that causing someone emotional pain and then pulling away a little is a great way to bond them closer to you.  You seek the validation they took and so you chase them even harder to get it back.  Then they slowly give it back keeping u on the hook.   It’s half of the nice and nasty game.

3)People shouldn’t be expected to read other people’s minds.   Again, if you’re pretending everything is cool until you find someone else to ‘entertain’ you then you’re dead wrong.   To me, it’s cowardice.    Many times, if someone really loved you, then they would try to make concessions for you and move mountains to make you happy.   Many adulterers know that.   Betraying someone who loves you is like setting off a bomb in a peaceful place.   You might expect it in a war zone, but how much worse is it when you never saw it coming.  It’s like sucker punching a person you’re getting along with in the face without even arguing or letting them know you had a problem with them.   If I offended you and you didn’t tell me and laughed like we were cool, why would you suddenly attack me.  Then you’d have the audacity to get angry if I fought you back.   The nerve of these assholes.

4)We know we aren’t perfect.  We never claim to be, but while we are scrambling, trying to get our self esteem back, trying to figure out what we did do wrong, we don’t need to hear that we weren’t paying enough attention, making enough money, sexy enough or whatever.   To us, it doesn’t justify cheating.   They were flawed as well, but we didn’t use it as an excuse to go crush someone who trusted us.

It’s funny how society always say that pedophiles, rapists, and murderers are horrible people (justifiably so), but yet adulterer’s crimes aren’t really all that bad.   It isn’t the act of cheating necessarily that’s the bad thing, but it’s the psychological hell and trauma that ensues afterwards that causes the problem.    For example, the act of rape is sex.   The problem is that it isn’t consensual and the after effects on the victim’s psyche is extremely traumatic.   It destroys people’s lives and it often takes a long time and a lot of therapy to recover.   Adultery often does victims the same way.  I’ve heard a few people call adultery emotional rape.   It really is that serious.

They get to wreck and destroy people’s lives with impunity.   Adultery seems to be the only crime where you can totally victimize someone and get off scott free.



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