While I still don’t think that I deserved to get cheated on and betrayed by STBXW, I can see how certain aspects of my personality may have contributed to the breakdown in my marriage.

They say that men fall in love with what we see and women fall in love with what they hear. I think that rings true in a lot of cases. While I might be a decent looking guy on the outside. Decent career. Decent intelligence and pretty much decent across the board, one thing that I’ve always felt that I lacked was the ability to make small talk and just be funny.

I have a pretty ok sense of humor. I mean I do get jokes and I can appreciate funny comedians. I understand irony and have developed a knack for telling “dad jokes” to kiddo. But I’ve never really been much of a “small talker” nor am I that guy who’s going to sit down and tell stories and jokes that have you holding your side with laughter.

I’ve always been secretly jealous of people who naturally had the ability to do so. Not that I hate them, but I just wish that I could. It doesn’t even seem to be “that hard”. It’s just words right? But as of yet, I haven’t been able to crack the code. I’ve read books on comedy and even taken a few improv classes. For some reason though, I’ve always felt that ‘something’ was holding me back. I roughly understand theories on how something is funny and could probably write a paper about it, but knowledge and application are two different things.

I think it’s why I started drinking. I think it makes me funnier. If not at least it allows me to be able to chat. The only times I’ve been able to just talk with someone for hours on end is when I’ve been drinking. In fact, if I’m honest, many of my longest relationships started because I was able to have marathon conversations with women due to me drinking and talking.

The ironic part is that despite being my “best self” when I’m drinking and women seem to enjoy being around me more when i’m intoxicated, they still complain if they get the idea that I drink too much. Talk about mixed messages. In fact, in the early days of me and STBXW dating, I was probably drinking a lot on those nights that we were on the phone ALL NIGHT.

All throughout my childhood, I was painfully shy. I’m not sure why though. I’ve don’t have any real insecurities that I know of. I wasn’t picked on or bullied. Even though I’ve had “my balls busted” a few times by peers and friends, I never really took it all that seriously. I’ve always been told that I am fairly attractive. I’ve never been overweight. I’ve always been fairly good in sports and overall basically normal I think. People perceived me as ‘smart’ and even though I wasn’t “hood” like many of my peers, I don’t think that it really like put a chip on my shoulder. I had girls who “liked” me, but they didn’t really “know me” like that. I figured that I just did it for them for whatever reason. I think that they thought I was regular. They weren’t a part of my ‘friend’ group so their perception may have skewed. I never put myself out there too much because I was shy.

I wasn’t shy because I was insecure, I was insecure because I was shy….if that makes sense. For some reason, it just always felt like I couldn’t “free my mind” . It’s like there have been guard rails on my mind to prevent me from “just being myself”. Like my “inhibitions” have always held me captive. As I’ve gotten older, I realize that I’m pretty good at “blending in” and not standing out too much. I have a lot more ‘social acumen’ as far as not being “weird” and just acting normally in social situations. I also realized that people really aren’t paying as much attention to me as I once thought they did.

But you’d probably never find me just making people laugh or engaging in ‘long winded’ conversations or telling amusing stories about things. I can be a bit serious at times and I do tend to overthink things. But I’m not really all that funny in ‘real time’ in my opinion. I can crack a funny joke over texts if I have time to think about it, but just being able to “let my hair down” and just talk isn’t something that I’ve mastered yet.

I wouldn’t even say that I’m shy, but I’m just quiet. I don’t have much to say. I’ve found myself in quite a few situations where there were awkward silences. I’ve learned to adapt by asking thoughtful questions and then answering the questions myself once the other person has finished. But this strategy isn’t something that leads into side splitting laughter or humor. While useful to get to know someone, I don’t think it’s enough to sustain a long term relationship. It’s also not the best strategy to use when there are two or more people in a group setting…..especially when you’re supposed to be “out having fun” in a public settings. I have found myself sometimes, even when talking to males, thinking that the conversations ended up being a bit too emotional…..like a therapy session of sorts and I end up kind of regretting having talking for so long. It’s kind of awkward because I end up knowing and sharing more than I really wanted to…..instead of just keeping it superficial. I have to be careful to not to get too deep with strangers, but for some reason, I don’t know why, our chemistry, vibe, often ends up in a deep place if I’m not….too deep for comfort if you ask me. I’d rather just keep things on superficial level.

Because I am thoughtful, I think that some women can end up getting a certain emotional connection with me, but I do think that they eventually end up getting bored. Especially if they are used to being around “funny” guys. I don’t care what you say, there isn’t much worse than having your girl around a guy who can make her laugh way more than you do. I mean, women will laugh if they like you….even if what you say isn’t really funny. But there is a difference between laughing at something because you genuinely find something funny and laughing simply because you like someone.

My ex lover and I had a ton of fun together, but truth be told, we were probably drunk together more often than when we were sober. I really wasn’t the “real me”. There were times when we were together and she asked why I was so “quiet.” I’d joke and say that I’m sober. She’d laugh it off, but I was dead serious. The pressure to keep her ‘entertained’ was pretty high (probably more pressure from me to feel like I had to), but seriously, I couldn’t maintain that. My liver probably wouldn’t go for it. Fortunately for me though, I think that she was developing a problem with alcohol so she wasn’t too judgemental (in fact relieved) that she wasn’t drinking alone.

So yeah, the thing I think that’s holding me back from really “loving” everything about my life is missing the “gift of gab.” I think it’s the missing piece as so much of my life revolves around avoiding crowds and situations where I feel expected to at least be kind of funny. Even family gatherings can be a bit harrowing for me. Although I feel comfortable around them, it just feels weird to be so quiet while others seem to be able to effortlessly crack jokes and just “talk”.

Part of the reason I’m so “nice” is because I really don’t have anything to say. I can’t think of anything outside of thanks, or “appreciate that” or some other obvious “safe” thing to say. I don’t approach many women for that reason. It’s not that I’m afraid of rejection (I don’t think), it’s just that I don’t really have anything to say. I could approach with the direct “I saw you standing over here and thought that you’re attractive” speil……. but that’s pretty corny these days. While some might appreciate the compliment, I just don’t see it working out too well. Small talk into an introduction into a possible compliment would be better. Bonus if I could say something funny or thought provoking….. But that’s easier explained than done. I mean there isn’t but so much that you say about the weather.

While I got the ‘get to know you’ questions down pretty good, it’s just the filler parts of being able to ramble or ‘mindlessly’ talk while making it interesting that seems to elude me. I think that the ‘gift of gab’ is an essential part to getting and keeping a woman’s attention. In fact, I’d go so far to say that it’s actually more important than looks or money. While those things can get your foot in the door, (unless you’re an exceptional specimen of a man, happen to be her type physically, or are stupid rich), it’s not going to really keep her attention for long. You could be “broke” and “ugly”, but if you can make her genuinely laugh…..you got something. We call it “game” in the black community. I think that the kids call it “Rizz” now. *there is a subtle,but important difference though.

As much as I hate to admit it, my lack of “game” probably contributed the most to the breakdown in my marriage. I was a decent husband on paper and I’m pretty sure that if STBXW was the type to sit down and actually think about it, she’d agree. But in reality, when someone came along with “more game”….he probably made her laugh more, it probably made her more aware of what I’m missing. How can you tell someone that I don’t like you anymore because you’re not “funny” to me. I don’t think that I’m lame or socially awkward most of time, but after getting to know me over time, I could see how women might find me as boring or bland, especially (if can even make it there) once the honeymoon phase is over. I’m think that I’m genuinely a ‘nice’ guy, but you can’t just be nice or deep without being funny.

I honestly believe that “humor” on a man is about as equivalent as “beauty” on a woman. They can’t resist it. I’ve heard it said (and I believe it) that you can make a woman laugh right out of her panties. Yeah, you can use money or sometimes raw sex appeal (if you have it like that), but to get her “heart” you gotta make her laugh and the more you do it, the more she’s drawn to you. Combine that with good sex and being a good listener, then you got her. Money and looks are just icing on the cake.

After hanging out with my family over the past week, I noticed that my lil nephew seems to have the complete opposite issue than me. He’s only like 5 years old, but this kid doesn’t seem to have a shy bone in his body. It’s like, he’s aware of possibly being embarrassed by something, but his inhibitions seem to barely register insofar as keeping him from just being himself. The kid will just randomly bust out with a few dance moves in group of strangers, without a second thought.

I’ve also noticed that there are some people who can just talk, talk, talk, talk without ever running out of anything to say. It’s like the more they talk, the more they have to say, and the more they have to say, the more they talk. Some talk too much for me, but I’m usually ok with that because I usually don’t really have that much to say anyway.

I do wish that I could figure out how to tap into that power with a sober mind.