My lover and I had a real discussion on about what it would look like to be in a relationship as she’s starting to pressure me to either shit or get off the pot so to speak. She tells me how when she’s on business or school trips, she goes out to parties or clubs, get very drunk, then handles her business the next day.
I told her that if I were her “man”, I don’t think I’d be very comfortable with that. In my opinion, it’s not a good look because if she gets drunk/sometimes black out drunk…..who knows what can happen. Cheating is a deal breaker for me and I don’t care if it was an accidental….oh i got wasted, we were having fun, and the next thing you know, we ended up hooking up. My thing is that even if you didn’t start off with the intention of doing that…. a few drinks, a few intimate moments, fun times, mixed with alcohol can lead to spontaneous sex. Worst case scenario is if a guy decides to take advantage of her. I don’t like the idea of her willfully placing herself into temptation nor into a vulnerable situation. Even though I don’t like her doing that now, she’s single and I don’t have any right to say anything about it. I haven’t said anything in the past outside of (be careful) because I feel as if I didn’t have the right to and I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression.
But I told her that if I were her “man”, I wouldn’t like that and was using that as an example of how things might change if we were to get into a committed and serious relationship. She didn’t take that well and implied that I’d be acting insecure if I were to be that way. She says that I, as her man, should trust her. … and this is where she does indeed raise a good point….although i do disagree.
Perhaps it is insecurity. I don’t want to be cheated on. What if she were to get pregnant or catch an STD. If she did wake up in a druken haze next to someone after a heavy night of drinking….realizing it was a “mistake”…would she even tell me. For me, it’s about not putting yourself into temptation or placing yourself in vulnerable situations. It’s about respect. Who wants to known as “that guy” who wifed the party girl that seems easy.
The catch 22 is that she mainly looks at it as me not trusting her or fearing that I’ll get cheated on. I asked how she would feel if I was out getting wasted with colleagues of both sexes and out partying and drinking with them. She said that as long as it was a mixed group…..she’d be ok with it. But, I asked….what’s /who’s to stop any two or three people from separating from hooking up on the low. What if in our drunken state, one of the girls asked me to come to her room for whatever…..we’re alone, we’re laughing, we’re in a good mood, and we’re drunk… beer goggles and everything. inhibitions down….. My biggest point is that we shouldn’t put ourselves into temptation like that.
As a man, I feel that part of “protecting” her is to prevent scenarios like this from happening. If the roles were reversed, I think I’d understand why she’d have concerns about this. However, maybe she truly wouldn’t. And maybe I am insecure. She doesn’t have the baggage of savagely being cheated on as I do.
Maybe this is further proof that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to be together. Maybe I do need more healing. If I get a woman, I need her to be my peace, not a trigger point of doubt. But I also know that if a person wants to cheat they will and make it look like they’re not. Still though, why put yourself in temptation. I know that I cannot and should not attempt to change her behavior. If she wants to party and get down like that…and I know that’s just who she is….it doesn’t seem right to expect or require any different out of her.
I really wanted to convey that I think it’s a bad idea to put yourself into temptation….especially when in a committed relationship…..but I think I came across more as saying I’d be insecure. Based on previous conversations dealing with married women she knows, it seems that their husbands are actually ok with this kind of behavior. For me, I wouldn’t want a girl or wifey who engages in this type of behavior. I think it’s disrespectful, reckless, and dangerous. I mean an every once in a while, I might be ok with it…..but with her, this seems to happen more frequently than I’d be comfortable with. Perhaps a man who is ok with this behavior would be more well suited for her.
If it is indeed the case that I am being insecure about this though, then maybe I need to rethink the standards I hold myself to. Maybe it is ok to put myself into temptation. I think that if I am wrong, a part of me wants to rebel. I fear that part of this rebellion is that I want to prove her (and people who think like her) wrong…..put myself into temptation, and fall for it….just to say that I was right.
I would perhaps be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in the process. I could give myself a pass because….after all…..they all said that it should be fine and they were wrong. This would be intellectually dishonest though. Ironically, my level of temptation would likely increase because of my ego wanting to tell everyone…see I told you so. This would actually make it worse if I were to fall because I feel that I “knew” better while they just didn’t get it.
These types of questions really help me further realize that we really are better off as friends…..and if she wants to take things to the next level, then it would probably better if we part ways. I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong, but neither do I think I am.
Maybe I am insecure. Maybe cheating shouldn’t be as big a deal as I make it. And if this is the case, I mean if noone else thinks that it is…..then why be faithful. I’m only handicapping myself. Maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them. As long as I treat her right and make her happy we’re good.
What good is honesty anyway? If I cheat, she doesn’t know, and she’s happy, then she’s good. If I don’t cheat and yet, she’s unhappy, she’s bound to leave anyway. If she finds out, she becomes unhappy and probably wants to leave. But if she is THAT unhappy about it, it would cause me to question if I could trust her….even if I did break the trust…it is broken I am free to leave as well.
My dad cheated on my mom….a lot…and it really hurt her and maybe that’s another reason why I am so against it. I told myself I’d never do that to someone. But really, maybe it isn’t the end of the world. Why does it matter anyway? Life aint always fair so IF i do it to you, you can choose to stay or leave, but if you do it me, then most likely …. I’m out. Perhaps we dont owe each other anything including fidelity, but even if we give each other our “word” then so what.
If I gotta hide some shit sometimes then so be it. Maybe I need to update my views on relationships in general. Maybe it really is all about my happiness and I should take a page from STBXW, it’s only cheating if the other person finds out. Like i said, if she were to find herself in a “oops” situation, I seriously doubt she’d tell me. She’d likely justify keeping it a secret by saying that it “meant nothing”.
That’s a lot to have to digest. Maybe it would be better if I could find someone with more similar views to me on this. If this were the only issue we didn’t see eye to eye on, then maybe we could work something out. Am I being insecure…..maybe, but she’s not helping. I just don’t see how it’s beneficial to have me worrying…but me worrying is a reflection of me….mostly afraid of getting cheated on again.
I don’t know, maybe I should just assume that everyone does sometimes and just go for it myself. As far as this issue goes, asking me to trust her on this is like asking me to trust a drunk person to drive me from here to there safely. While they may be able to handle themselves behind the wheel drunk, I just don’t know.
I was going to wear a seatbelt anyway.