Maybe I am the asshole for this one

So I’ve been seeing my lover for the past 5 going on 6 years now. In a couple of years it will be about the same amount of time me and STBXW were ‘good’ in our marriage. Time really flies. I’ve been for the most part faithful….minus a slip up in the beginning with STBXW and she has as far as I know….minus that one time she went out with that douchebag… been faithful……

But it’s been a lot of time and she obviously wants to…..scratch that….been wanted to move on. I’ve never told her to wait on me. I just asked that she be honest. In order to get away from me, she moved back to her home town. Now my dumb ass is flying to see her every month or so.

I see her as a good friend. I really do adore and love her…..But I don’t think I’m in love with her. Not in the way I was with STBXW. In the past, I never really felt like I was ‘in love’ with any of my ex’s b4 stbxw….. but I grew to love them and we usually ended up moving in together or something. They cheated. I was faithful. Always been the faithful/good boyfriend type. Just never been really ‘in love’…… The irony huh. I was hurt when they did it, but it didn’t really hurt that much.

Looking back, i remember feeling like it was just time to end things…..I didn’t care to work it out. I just remember wanting them to leave. The sadness remained for a week or two…..I was never bitter though.

I’m neither proud nor ashamed to say it, but my relationship goal before meeting stbxw was that I wanted two or 3 cool baby mamas. That song changed after it met her.

I was heartbroken when STBXW gave me the classic….”I love you, but I’m not in love with you line.” I don’t think I could ever forget that day. I remember going outside to get some air and then dry heaving all over the driveway. So I guess I could say that I was truly in love with her.

That said, given my experience with being “in love”…. I don’t care to do that again. I’m cool with just loving someone and having them love me back. That said, I never wanted to marry any of my ex’s. And I really can’t see myself marrying my lover….or anyone else for that matter. Not that I want to go back to stbxw. I really regret the day I met her….but at least I have my son so it wasn’t all for nothing.

The lack of being “in love” however does present a bit of a problem for me since I don’t have the motivation to “move heaven and earth” to be with her. I like doing nice things for her and I do like putting a smile on her face. I do adore her and i imagine it would hurt if we call things off. But as with most of my ex’s…. tbh, I always figured things would end sooner or later. Maybe it’s my insecurities or maybe I just never really trusted women like that or maybe I just didn’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. Besides, for some reason, I always had the inclination that this would end any day now for the past 6 years.

It started off as a hook up, turned to fwb, turned to damn we still talking to DAMN WE STILL KICKING IT. She has been there with me through a lot and did help me regain some of my self esteem after the marriage fiasco.

This leads me to NOW….where I’ve been hearing and seeing that men shouldn’t “lead women on”. I never really thought about the fact that I could be leading her on. I always figured she would eventually leave or get bored or tired or find someone else. I never led her on in the sense of making future plans with her. We did both say that we were being reckless with our hearts. I think that she likes and adores me too. And the sex is amazing. But in the end, I don’t know if we are really compatible enough for marriage. It’s all fun and games, but based on … well a lot of things…. I don’t know if our differences could be enough to fulfill her in an actual relationship relationship.

I’m good. I’d like be ok with marrying someone I’m not “in love” with. I don’t think I need the tingly ’emotions’ to be a good man/husband. As I said before, i was pretty content in my other relationships and even though I wasn’t in what I’d describe as “in love”….I did love them and didn’t feel the need to be with anyone else at the time. But I believe that women operate a bit differently and I think her “love” for me may be based more on being “in love” than actually loving me. Even though I was “in love” with STBXW and I beleive she was “in love” with me…..looking back, I don’t think she actually loved me… when the thrill was gone….so was she.

Because I’m not exactly planning for our future….and I know that she wants marriage and kids before it’s too late…. and maybe she loves me more than I thought she did….. maybe I should let her go. Like, she wants to take things to the next level and I’m pretty good where I am.

From what I’m hearing….5 years is an awfully long time to be ‘seeing’ someone and not progressing the ‘relationship’ to the next level. I don’t know what would even look like. I have a wife that I don’t even want. I’ve been there done that and not trying to do it again.

This has made me realize that I really need to be more adamant and clear about NOT wanting to FALL IN LOVE. Not wanting to be in a RELATIONSHIP…. and NOT seeking marriage…..unless otherwise specifically stated. Shit man, this sucks because I am starting to feel like I did waste her time. I was having fun, enjoying our friendship but naaah. As usual, she (women) want more. Why can’t she just leave well enough alone. Maybe have a kid or two….but nah….her reputation wouldn’t allow that.

Perhaps I am toxic now. But if not wanting to be “in love” makes me toxic, then I’ll be the radio active man.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s