He don’t want you sis?

My friend and I do not see eye to eye on a topic that I rarely hear discussed. It seems that the perception that a lot of women have is that if a man doesn’t want to get into a relationship or “wife” her, then he either doesn’t value her OR he is just using her for sex. In other words, he doesn’t “want” her.

This idea has me thoroughly perplexed as I don’t think I get the meaning of “want”.

What does she even mean by “want” her. To want something implies that you can “have” or “possess” something. I want a Dodge Ram pickup truck, but that implies that I own it. I am free to do whatever I please with it. It does what I want it to and doesn’t have a choice but to obey my wishes.

How can you “possess” a person? I mean, what specifically would I “want” with a woman besides a good time, intimacy, sex, and companionship. However, it seems that in order to keep that going, there is a LOT of maintenace and expectations required. Plus, she is under no obligation to always say yes.

Perhaps more context is needed. I mean take a friends with benefits situation. I do want her in the sense that I like the things she provides in my life. I do like her as a person. But not in the sense of feeling like I own her. I do desire certain things from her, but not enough to commit.

Maybe she means that I don’t want to commit. Instead of leaving it open like “he doesn’t want you”…..perhaps she should be more specific and say that he doesn’t want a committed relationship with her.

I like it better stated that way because if I didn’t want her in any capacity, I just wouldn’t deal with her. Leaving it at he doesn’t “want” her implies that he doesn’t value her at all and if that is the case then why would I be dealing with her in the first place?

However, it does imply that if she takes that “value” away, then I probably wouldn’t deal with her. That’s fair, however, I find hypocritical for the to say I’m wrong for that if she’d do the same thing to me if I stopped providing whatever value she thinks that I provide for her.

It really just goes back to the idea that you cannot own or possess people. If I decided to bite the bullet and take her on in a committed relationship….and she decided that either the “grass is greener on the other side” or she no longer valued whatever it is that she values now, would she be obligated to stick with me out of some principle? I wouldn’t even want someone to be there who doesn’t want to be there. They would be free to leave.

In addition, if I were not providing some value to her life, then why would she even deal with me in the first place?

I don’t get it. My friend thinks that a man who doesn’t commit to a woman doesn’t value her and is wasting her time. My reply is that if she is always free to leave him alone if she feels that way then why won’t she just do it. For example, if we were in a committed relationship and I was an ungrateful and lazy asshole who verbally abused her…..obviously that situation wasn’t working for her, then she should just leave it. In the same vein, then if she wants the ‘title’ and not having it isn’t working, then she could just as easily leave out of the situation.

Titles or “commitment” don’t stop anyone from leaving where they don’t want to be these days. Neither do they stop a person who wants to sleep around from sleeping around….or lying…. or doing anything they feel inclined to do. What difference does it make?

Ok, say we get into a “relationship” and things just don’t work out. Wasn’t it just a big of a waste of time as never being in one in the first place?

An analogy I like to use is that when you go on vacation, you go for a good time. You’re not trying to move there. So just because I don’t plan on moving there, does that mean that the trip was a waste of time. I mean you build memories and get to experience something pleasurable. So even when it’s time to “go home”, it wasn’t a waste of time. She won’t admit that my marriage was a waste of time. But either way, the outcome was still the same. Except now, we have to go through the arduous process of disentangling ourselves from each other as opposed to been able to have clean break.

Women and men leave marriages and relationships all the damned time for various reasons….some good and some bad. But was the marriage a waste of time? By her logic, pretty much all failed relationships were a waste of time. Idk, i just say enjoy the moment, but don’t expect for them to last forever.

I really think that all of this boils down to her wanting a “man” to deal with her bullshit. Just speaking to her, I couldn’t be her man. She’s cool. But she’s too damned needy and demanding. Like most women, they feel entitled for a man to give her the world. Keep her happy. Deal with her emotional bullshit. Mood swings. Wine her. Dine her. Take her on vacations. Ultimately many want for him pay her bills. And what do we get out of it. To say that we do all of that shit for her? And even if we manage to do all that, if she gets bored or tired or finds someone else she likes, she’s leaving anyway. If I lose my job or go through depression, will be feel obligated to faithfully stay by my side. Hell nall.

I don’t see how commitment benefits me in the slightest. And it’s not all about just me being selfish. It’s about being a realist and understanding that while I could decide to jump on that hamster wheel of trying to keep a woman happy in hopes that she won’t leave or cheat…..ultimately, she is under no obligation not to do so. Given that most put “their personal happiness” above all things, then I would be on the hook for making sure she is either reaching those goals or on the path towards it. Otherwise, I’d risk her leaving me anyway.

So why sign up for the job in the fist place. So yeah, I do want her for certain things. And yeah I don’t mind doing things that make her happy. Yes, I also want her to be happy. But I don’t want to be responsible for it. I don’t require it from her and I think it’s unfair for her to require it from me.

In that sense i can say that no I guess I don’t want her. I don’t want all the bullshit that comes along with trying to keep another MF happy. I don’t want the pressure of having to prove myself to her over and over again and should I fail once or twice, then she’s looking at me like I’m the asshole.

The reality is that I don’t want her because I understand that she is never mine, it’s just my turn. It’s stupid to desire something that requires so much effort and maintenance to maintain, that will leave you if you don’t. Fuck that, I see commitment as something completely different. Commitment to me means that you stick together through thick and thin. Good and bad times. When you feel like it and when you don’t. Whether you’re happy about it or not. I really don’t think that most women understand this. My friend even told me that she’d leave a relationship that she wasn’t “happy” in.

To me commitment means that you don’t to the gym or train only when you “feel” like it.

They want the benefits of a commitment, but not what comes along with it. Well the same applies to me with her. The only difference is that I don’t require commitment because I know that they mean something different than what I mean. I’m not signing up to be her personal genie in a got damned bottle. Of course it’s much easier for her to want a relationship where the other person is required to do much more than you. I am always required to bring something to the table and for her, most of the time, what she brings is optional.

The Delusion that Destroyed the Family

I am trying to understand why so many women think that they are worth marrying. I mean sincerely.

It’s like, to me anyway, loyalty is the most important virtue I could think of when I look for a wife. Not conditional loyalty, but not necessarily blind loyalty either. It does however err on the side of blind loyalty.

Conditional loyalty seems that they are only ‘loyal’ when it benefits them. It seems that many will not just throw you under the bus to save themselves, but will also throw you under the bus if they think it can give them an advantage.

Hence, the idea of hypergamy. Hence why grass is greener syndrome is a real thing. This is where I believe that greed, selfishness, and entitlement comes into play. If they believe that they can get a “bigger, better deal” elsewhere, they will abandon their vows or word to you in order to get it. They justify it by saying (and probably actually feeling) that they “deserve” the best of the best. Even if that means throwing her man / and family under the bus in order to get the chance of getting it.

Because this is dishonorable and disgraceful (and many know it on a subconscious level), in order to justify it, they have to reconcile it by telling themselves that they are “miserable” or “unhappy”. Or that they “deserve” better. To make this work, they have to change their perspective of the man by highlighting his weakness, down playing his strengths. Often time this comes in the form of exaggerating how “bad” he is. While minimizing or overlooking his good qualities. They make themselves unhappy by focusing on the 20% they don’t have while not appreciating the 80% they do have.

If persisted in, this cognitive dissonance causes her to justify her destructive behavior and she does not feel guilty. She feels that it is a necessity. That it is justified even. Sort of how people compartmentalize killing during times of war.

She must not feel the hit to the ego (aka guilt) and will use all sorts of mental gymnastics in order to prevent this. She may outright lie and the scary part is that a lie persisted in will be believed. In essence, she believes the lies that she tells herself.

You can see this quite often when she is caught cheating in her unpredictable reactions. She exhibits a form of madness when reality comes crashing down upon her. She may get violent, or she may start doing things like threatening to ruin the guy’s life. Her anger comes from a place of confusion as she cannot remember that she was lying and is unable to reconcile reality with the illusions she created for herself. Unfortunately, many are too proud to see themselves as anything less than perfect and are unable to simply say “I was wrong.” Most would rather persist in “her truth” instead of facing the consequences of their destructive/immoral/ and selfish decisions.

This is why many are unapologetic about the evils they do and are unable to accept accountability for their actions. This is why I believe that many do face a form of mental illness. I think the bible describes it as having a reprobate mind. Society seems to handle them with “kiddie” gloves when it comes to holding them accountable for their actions. We are hesitant to “call them out” on it and if we do, we do it as tactfully as possible because we seem to be afraid of shattering their egos. This leads to them being unable to self reflect, thus they easily persist in “bad behaviors” even if they destroy everyone and everything around them.

I think this is why so many women hated Kevin Samuels. He was not tactful. He held them accountable. They got a taste of what men go through when we aren’t performing honorably. Men are often more harsh with our words and to our boys when we are “fucking up.” We learn quickly that there are consequences for our mistakes/ bad decisions. I think that they subconsciously feared what would happen if men universally adopted this method of handling them as we handle boys and men in our society.

In my opinion, another major reasons why women in the west generally aren’t marriageable is because they lack accountability. They don’t have to face consquences for their disloyalty to their men or families. They are not made to feel shame or guilt for making poor or bad decisions that hurt others. They are constantly treated as victims no matter what role they played in their predicaments. No matter what happens, it’s the man’s fault … either he was neglectful, not laying it down in the bedroom, he wasn’t ambitious enough, or anything to point the finger at him to cause her “bad behavior.”

In addtion to having no/little accountability for their behavior, they are also encouraged to pursue their own “happiness” no matter who it hurts or how they have to get it.

Given the fact that so many are led by their greed (for material things) and lust. They pursuit of these things often coincide with their “happiness”. Society has placed them on a pedestal, while at the same time convinced them that they are victims. They bought into the lie because again, society generally does not hold them accountable for their bad behavior. It often encourages it. They do terrible things and feel like a victim the natural consequences of those behaviors arise.

If a man were to abandon or leave his wife and family because he felt “unhappy”, he is ridiculed by his peers or looked down upon. Even if the woman isn’t treating him well or if she’s taking him for granted, he is still expected to suck it up and protect and provide. He is expected to either suffer or ‘figure it out’. He is expected to take the flaming arrows and bullets in order to protect his family It is shameful to abandon his duties. It is perceived as dishonorable. There may be men who actually do go ahead with abandoning their families, but by and large, these men are not perceived as honorable men. It isn’t encouraged or seen an “empowering.”

On the flip side, women (even in cases where abuse or infidelity aren’t present) …many women encourage her to pursue what makes her happy. They call her empowered. They justify and say things like “how can my kids be happy, if I’m not happy.” Even if her “happiness” comes from a place of selfish entitlement. There is never any context to why she was unhappy to begin with. Duty and obligation are not taken into consideration.

Squatter’s Rights

I don’t know why I’m so pressed about STBXW and her shenanigans. I really have 0 reason to respect her. From my POV, she not only abandoned our marriage, which proves disloyalty. She obviously doesn’t want me, which is normally a prerequisite for me being interested in a serious relationship with someone. She lies about her intentions of wanting to live in NY. Though she claims it’s because she makes “more money”; the reality is that she spends more than she would have if she lived here due to having to help split our regular bills AND pay for and apartment up there and having to pay for back and forth flights. Thus it evens out, probably to the point where she is keeping less.

This is her 3rd or fourth affair where she’s playing side chick to a dude who really doesn’t feel her like that. So many levels of the lack of self respect to that. So between actually losing money and chasing a loser guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with her…..and not being present for our son….and buying this guy gifts for fathers day, while neglecting her child’s actual father who actually takes care of him day in and day out on that day. (it’s not about the gift to me, it’s the principle).

In addition to the fact that she is married. She’s the one who decided to leave, but she is the one who too gotdamned lazy to sign her part of the divorce papers despite paying for legal assistance already. Not to mention that she’s stupid enough to actually believe the lies she tells herself about her motives for actually being there.

I’ve already accepted the fact that I picked bad. Her external appearance (of now) doesn’t reflect the poor character that she has shown to me. She actually said out of her mouth that she doesn’t think she’s a bad person because she doesn’t treat anyone else the way she treats me. Like ma’am, so you think it’s ok to treat your own husband and father of your child (who actually raises him) and also does way more for you like shit. Does she actually believe that just because she is treating some dude who is cheating on his girl with her like a king (actually begging him to come by and she’ll provide the liqour and food, just for the chance to suck him off)….as he treats her like a whore of convenience…. makes her a good woman?

You see this is the shit that burns me up on the inside. Picture a 40 something year old woman with this mentality. She’s pathetic. Actually willing to take a father out of his children’s lives. Trying to put love spells on him “to break the spell” that she thinks that his child’s mother / girlfriend put on to him. Spending money on dollar tree candles and fake psychics and burning them in my apartment on her visits pretending that they are to clear her chakras or some stupid shit.

This chick is nuts. I know all this because, yeah, I snoop thru her phone during her visits. She doens’t know I have the passcode. Yes it’s wrong, but I am unapologetic about it because otherwise, I wouldn’t know how far she’s fallen. I wouldn’t realize how unsalvageable this situation is and probably be trying to figure out how to “fix” things in an attempt to save our marriage and family.

Just saying, you gotta be down pretty bad by literally begging a dude (with a girlfriend) to come by just for a few minutes. She’s texting this dude paragraphs while he responds with one liners. Even going so far as to tell her to stop texting him so much. Yet when I used to text or send her videos pertaining to healthy communication or what not, she barely (if even) watches them.

So having self respect…..at least to the degree of not pursuing something so not worth it…..my motives in the beginning was to save our family….but now that I know, I realize this isn’t something that I could ever forget…..let alone forgive. Now, my motives are to somehow preserve a semblance getting along in an attempt to shield our son from the toxic nature of her chicken head mentality. If i responded in kind or with force to the disrespect I’m getting from HER of all people, then i could imagine the psychological toll it would take on her.

In certain ways, it feels as if I’m a human shield protecting him from flaming arrows being shot by her. I titled this post, squatter’s rights because I wanted to write about how it feels that she is taking up too much real estate in my mind without paying any rent. She is so not worth it.

Even though someday I hope that she wakes up and really understands what the fuck she’s doing. The reality is that she probably won’t. She’ll still walk around thinking she’s a ‘good’ / ‘decent’ person. She thinks that she deserves “love” from this guy. Or any guy for that matter. My question is how in the fuck does she think she deserves any kind of happy ending despite the selfish, wicked, and evil she has done to her own husband and family.

Shit….and this is who I picked to “risk it all” for? I seriously gotta question at this point, what the fuck was wrong with me back then. Surely there had to have been some red flags that I missed.

And looking back, perhaps it is my karma. When I met her, I think I do recall my cousin telling me that she had a boyfriend. Despite that I told her to give her my number. She ended up calling and for some reason, I started thinking that the situation with her ‘boyfriend’ was either ending or had recently ended. Or maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. Either way, it was too recent at the time. She did mention something about trying to recoup a down payment for a wedding venue.

Selfish Modern Women

I am really starting to get disgusted by the idea of most women in the west. Perhaps it is the rhetoric online. Maybe all or most women aren’t truly like that. But if they are, then I’d rather be alone.

I have no idea why most of these able bodied, grown women, with opportunity to work actually feel that it’s a man’s job to be the sole provider in a family here in America in 2023. It seems that many, if not most, think that going in half of the bills is some sort of insult. As if a man is less than a man if he requires that she gives her best to the relationship.

When in history of the black community in the U.S. has it been that the women just stayed and home while the men worked. It wasn’t like that for my grandparents. But maybe it was for some families. But even if that was the case, the reality is that women did not have the same opportunities back then as they do today. They now have just as much opportunity (arguably more) as men to get out and bring money in to the household.

Many of them today feel as if IF SHE CHOOSES to work, then her money should only be used for the minimal things in the house. The concept of 50/50….(where she pays half) is like a crime to her. Many say that she cannot respect a man if she has to pay 50 percent of the bills.

To be clear, it’s not about paying 50 percent to me. It’s about being willing to contribute what you have to the home. I’d have no problem with paying 90% or even 100% depending on the circumstances. But my mentality is that it’s about us and our family. Not ME and then the family. If we’re married, then it’s OUR money…..no matter who makes the most of it.

What on God’s green earth gives them this sense of entitlement? Like seriously, what on earth makes her think that she is entitled to anybody’s resources when she can go out and get it on her own. Why should a man have to pay her way when she is a full bodied able adult? What do we get in return for all of this? It’s as if she thinks she’s doing us a favor by being with us or something. It’s disgusting. It’s like having an ungrateful, spoiled child who doesn’t really contribute anything, yet feeling entitled to everything you have. I gotta pay you to be nice to me? Then damn right, every interaction would be very transactional.

What is she doing to make a man’s life THAT much better? I understand that some men may not want their wives working, but to me that’s an old school tradition. I really get the sense that MOST modern women really think that they should be on a pedestal looking down on their man. They don’t want partner, they want a slave. They want to be kept. No, they feel they deserve to be kept. In order to justify it, they’ll say bullshit like, “women turn houses into homes”….wtf?

If she does, she’s doing it for her.

Most men don’t care about bullshit like matching bathroom decor and “live, love, laugh” towel racks.

Do they really think that their used up box is really worth slaving away for? Is it their wonderful strong disgreeable personalities what we crave? How about emotional bullshit we have to deal with? Maybe we like having to deal with sassy, smart mouths who are always right. Yeah, we just love the conditional “love” they give us based on our incomes.

The most asinine thing I think that we have taught our sons is to cater to a woman in exchange for conditional love and tentative loyalty.

Seriously man, who wants a “friend” who will only be good to you if you pay to be around them? That really sounds like prostitution to me anyway. May as hire a damned escort or something. Are we as men that lonely and desperate for a big butt and smile that we’d willingly take this sort of treatment?

Then, instead of looking at their success as an opportunity to contribute more to the family, they instead look at it like “his money is OUR money, but my money is my money. God forbid if she makes more of the money. They lose respect for you. How is it that for one woman, 90k a year is sufficient IF she’s making less. But if she’s making 150 or more, it’s not good enough.

Yet they won’t hesitate in dating a man who makes way more than them.

I could be the same man as I am today and win the lottery tomorrow and I guarantee that women would swear they love me and want to be with me. They’d swear it wasn’t for the money, but it’s because I’m me. If I were to share what I had with her and then somehow lose it, they’d also be gone.

It’s sad, disgusting, and almost depressing that their love can be bought by the highest bidder. Yet they think they are ‘good’ people. They think that they deserve the Cinderella treatment, when their hearts are as wicked as the evil stepsisters. They are the reason the Prince of Zamunda in coming to America pretended to be a regular guy instead of a Prince.

I’m just saying, what gives them this ‘entitlement’. Is it simply because she was born with a vagina? I blame simps for this shit who act like vagina is the end all be all of everything. They have women out her acting like she is an actual goddess or something.

I do believe that if I were to ever get stupid rich, I’d Leonardo DiCaprio and deal with the finest chicks until I got tired of her. Fuck marriage though. These rich rappers and celebrities who have all these baby mama’s have the right idea. Women probably wouldn’t deal with them if they didn’t have the money. So why not replace them once it gets old. Why not cheat if they are only with you because you a have a bag in the first place.

Their attitudes about the utility of a man and their immorality makes them disgusting creatures on the inside to me. I see why the passport bro’s want to go overseas to get away from these evil women. They will probably run into the same issues however, but at least those women pretend to respect them.

I wonder if my lover would move back to Atlanta if I won the lottery tomorrow?

I’m really not feeling most of them. I think we should start treating them they way they treat us. If you’re not making the same money as me or better, then I can’t deal with you. I’m better than you. If I can’t do better than you, then I’d rather be alone.

But that would make me just as classist and elitest as them. They complain that there are no good men out there but I’d argue that for just as few “good men” out there in their opinion. There are fewer “good” women.

Getting Unstuck

I think that I gave my power away to STBXW because I never felt that she was truly sorry for how she treated me. I was expecting an apology. I was expecting more respect. When not given that respect that I feel that I deserved….and at the same time, to see her continuously purposely offend me, but yet seemingly get away with it… I think that I wanted to feel some sense of justice.

I was stuck waiting for an apology. Or just wanting to hear her say ” you were right.”

Words like karma or “she’ll be sorry someday” comes to mind. This need for a sincere apology or desire for her to somehow “make it right” or just acknowledgement from her that she was wrong in how she behaved is keeping me stuck in place.

I was wondering how it was that I am still so hung up over her. It’s not that I want her back. I know that I could never trust her. She the type of women that I should have placed myself in such a vulnerable position with. And for that I have to take accountability for getting myself unstuck.

I don’t blame myself for her actions. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good to her. And I feel that I deserved better treatment and more respect. Despite not receiving that, this overwhelming sense of requiring or needing some form of remorse from her is keeping me stuck in this position of extreme vexation with her.

Perhaps this is the final key of completely being “over it”. It’s not really a matter of ‘forgiving’ as I once thought. It’s just a matter of accepting that sometimes, some people can get over on you and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it except keep it pushing. Sometimes, people can disrespect you, and you’re powerless to do anything about it. I mean you can, but in some instances, it’s better to just let it go….as retaliation isn’t worth the consequences that comes along with it.

Perhaps ‘turning’ the other cheek sometimes means a series of events as opposed to just one incident. As my dad used to say “Pick your Battles.” Sometimes, winning a battle isn’t worth it if you risk losing the entire war. In this case, retaliation (in a self satisfactory way) would promote a toxic environment for kiddo. The question is though; How do I simply accept this without losing self dignity or self respect.

This further begs the question of what is the difference between pride and self respect? In this case, I’d say they my ego definitely gets the better of me at times. In many ways, I get so angry when I catch her in lies and deception because it feels that she thinks that she is “smarter” or “better” than me. Perhaps this is me projecting insecurities in thinking that I am just not “good” enough for her.

How could she truly be smarter or better if I know that she’s lying? How could she be smarter or better is she is willing to compromise her integrity (sell her soul) for superficial things in life. Even if not for me….how could she justify being an adulteress, splitting her home, and leaving her own son for weeks on end for dick and money? She is missing out on him growing up. And again, a woman who I’d consider “good” or “worthy” to carry the title of “wife” could not conceive of doing such a thing.

I can’t respect a person who does not see the value of putting their child’s needs before their selfish wants. How can I respect a person who does not see the difference between their wants and needs? In short, I do think that she is a selfish moron who lacks self reflection. She’s arrogant, has a busted moral compass, and overestimates her own ambition.

Her judgment of me should not have as much weight as it should as I do not see her opinions as worthy of consideration insofar as how I should judge myself. Again, it might be different if I deemed her worthy as a good (hell, even decent) woman. This judgment of her isn’t based on the fact she doesn’t want to be with me. It’s based on her actions. The lies, the affairs, and deceit. This woman is a snake, untrustworthy, and about as deep as a Saharan puddle.

So her “lack of respect” for me shouldn’t hold any weight because based off the way she moves (at least by conventional standards), she doesn’t respect herself. Ironically, I don’t think that she considers what she does as showing a lack of self respect. However, it’s becoming apparent that INTEGRITY isn’t a part of her ethos.

I don’t even respect men who play side dude to a ‘taken’ woman. Let alone one who begs and pleads for the woman to leave her family to come be with him. How much less can I respect a woman who doesn’t mind being a side chick and playing a role in destroying….not only her own household, but that of another woman. People like that disgust me.

I must be careful however to disregard the lessons I’ve learned from this experience insofar as what I could have done better in our marriage. Despite the fact that I don’t think that I brought any ‘deal-breakers’ to the table for a decent woman. I do think that there are things that I would do better next time. I just have to make sure that I do not blame myself for her actions in light of my own short comings.

I think that her power over me is that I am somehow feeling that it’s my fault because of my imperfections. Maybe deep down, I think that she may be justified in her actions. This can’t be the case though. Even if she had left me, she would have moved a LOT differently if she was truly a woman worth feeling bad about losing.

I can only take solace in knowing that if any man does truly “take” her on….then either he knows the truth about what she did and is a damn fool to take chance with her. He is a man of low morals and it’s just a matter of time before it goes down hill. Or based on her past tendencies to be deceptive, she is lying about the true nature of what she did. If that is the case, then it shows that she has learned “nothing” and that relationship is bound to fail based on being founded on lies and deception. The question turns into….who is gonna hurt who the most.

What man would “wife” a woman who had multiple affairs on her ex. Who would willingly leave her own child for so long just to be with another man…under the (self delusion) that she’s doing it for the extra money. And if if the latter was truly the case, what mother would actually be ok with doing that if she could make a decent living without going through such extreme measures.

She missed out on a lot of his childhood due to her greed and selfishness. He missed out on a lot due to her absence and willingness to put her own desires before his needs. She does not understand this because of the type of woman that she is. Selfish and shortsighted. And again, due to this, I think I am justified in thinking that she is NOT a woman worthy of the title of wife.

As much as women these days like to complain about the lack of good/decent men out there, she had one (though not perfect), she had the opportunity to break generational curses, but was too selfish to enjoy or appreciate the opportunity. She also seems to have no problem in preserving a decent friendship despite things not working out. It would take a complete and utter fool to believe that one could treat someone like shit, be unapologetic about it….and expect them to just be hunky dory with the situation. All in all, I think that I didn’t deserve this. Kiddo didn’t deserve it. And she didn’t deserve the opportunity to be with me in that capacity.

Despite all of this, I have to get over the notion that someday, she’ll see it when karma kicks her in the ass. Even if it does, I wonder if he she has the intellectual capacity to see that her misfortune (if it does) was of her own doing. Somehow, I doubt it. And for that, it would seem that waiting on karma would just be me being “a hater”. If she had the capacity for ‘understanding’, she never would have done this in the first place.

For the long haul

I’ve realized that this intense dislike of stbxw may be a life long thing. I think the thing that really disturbs me about her is the fact that I truly believe her ‘lack of respect’ comes from the fact that she mistakes my kindness for weakness.

Amongst men, there is a certain level of respect that we expect and if not given, then there are ways we can retaliate in order to gain it. This typically involves direct confrontation and if no resolution is available, then there is the threat of violence. Or a physical conflict.

I think that because STBXW doesn’t understand this about men. She feels a certain sense of ‘power’ over me as she has put me in positions of disrespect where I couldn’t accurately respond in order to demand respect. On a deeper level, she knows that I should have responded in a way more harsher way. Or “put her in her place”. If not, someone should have taught her a lesson by now. More specifically, if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Or a hard head makes a soft behind.

She doesn’t respect me because I have been unable / unwilling to respond to it in an effective way. Some people may see retaliation as wrong. But where I’m from, you don’t allow people to get away with disrespect or they will keep disrespecting you. They will see you as weak. And once drunk off of the power, they will get worse and worse with their bad behavior.

White folks be like, just walk away from your bullies or tell on them. In real life, this rarely, if ever works. What works is if you stand up for yourself. You fight back. Whether you get your ass kicked or not. You don’t ever allow people to get away with disrespecting you. I understand turning the other cheek…..once. Or even forgiving ignorance should they accidentally offend you. But once you’ve let them know your boundaries…..OR if they are clearly in violation of them, then you have no choice but to gain your respect by any means possible.

Otherwise you end up in situations like I have with STBXW. Essentially, a bully who does not respect me. You cannot ‘nice’ your way into their respect.

It seems that now, I am subject to have to take the disrespect and lack of accountability. I can’t hit a woman who hasn’t physically attacked me. I don’t have much leverage against her to effectively ‘punish’ her for her behavior. Plus any retaliation only adds to the toxicity of our already fragile co-parenting relationship. It seems that….for now, and for the foreseeable future, that I’m going to have to take the injuries and disrespect in order to go along to get along for the sake of our son.

Her ignorance, lack of self awareness, selfishness, and power tripping pretty much guarantees that she’s going to be thorn in my side for a while. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any effective way to RIGHT this WRONG and the best possible solution is to somehow find a way to find minimalize the way her behavior affects my psychology.

Perhaps a good way to look at it is to view it as losing a championship game due to the other team blatantly and obviously cheating. Yeah, it sucks to lose….especially when you know that you played a good game…..and despite the other team bragging and rubbing it in your face…..you have to find a way to move on from that loss. I gotta persevere and keep it moving. I have to stop focusing on her.

This would be easier said than done, but it seems that the game is still going on. It’s like I’m in a boxing match where she keeps hitting me with ‘low blows’. And any attempt to retaliate will get me banned from the sport forever. She is playing the game foul and dirty.

I have to endure this though. Hopefully this divorce will be the final step in getting get back. At this point, I really don’t care for her AT ALL. Her lack of character in the way she handled all of this is enough to make me realize that I’m NOT losing anything worth keeping. I never thought that I was perfect and I never expected perfection out of her….. but there are certain levels of integrity that are necessary in order for me to value her as a wife.

She single handedly destroyed our family due to her own selfishness, won’t take accountability, and this is mostly due to the fact that we don’t have the same values. Shared values, good faith in one another, accountability, along with good communication, transparency, and honesty are all necessary factors needed in a partner for a successful marriage. She possesses, nor has any interest in possessing any of those.

Though I do wish that someday, she’d look back and see the gravity of what she has done, I’d probably die from holding my breath. I don’t see how a person at her age with that mentality could ever really change. While ultimately, her mentality doesn’t reflect upon me as much it does her….I have to take accountability and get myself out of feeling like a victim. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck still writing these redundant blog posts as a form of therapy for another 10 years.

I am ultimately accountable for getting myself out of this.

For the longest, I had no idea what I was dealing with….and to this day, I’m still unsure. However to do know what I’m not dealing with. I am not dealing with a WIFE or partner. I’m dealing with an emotionally immature, selfish, and shallow individual who lacks self reflection and overestimates herself.

I know fucked up shit happens to people all the time. It’s just not fun when it happens to you.

Dreams of the Future

For the last few years of my life, I’ve been feeling stuck. It’s like any decision as far as moving on with my life was quickly shot down due to every option seeming like a no win type of situation. This made it easy to just keep ignoring and putting off making plans. I was … and still am if I’m honest a bit fearful about how our divorce is going to affect the mental well being of our son. I think that he’s old enough now to overcome. The behavior between me and STBXW is no longer that of a loving marriage. We sort of tolerate one another and the lining in the cloud of this all is that she has for the past 2 years or so been living in NYC. He is used to not having her around, so maybe between her absence and his maturity…..he just turned 13 this year. He can be ready for the final step. Maybe he HAS BEEN, and I just wasn’t.

I think that the bitterness and anger at STBXW, ironically kept me in place. I don’t know how I can handle just not telling him the TRUTH about his mother. Without the truth, most specifically, his mother is a cheater and intentionally destroyed burned our house down (metaphorically)…it would seem to teach him that walking away from your responsibility is NOT an acceptable way to live life.

Yet, she has left me with two options…..either cover for her and validate her claim of “we just grew apart”…. or tell him the truth and hope that it doesn’t damage their relationship. The fact that it seems that I am the only one in this relationship that considers these sorts of things makes me realize that she never was a good wife. I question her ability to teach him the important lessons in life. I’d argue that left to her and her own devices, he’d grow up just as shallow, selfish, sneaky, and unaccountable as her.

This mostly hurts because I hate to let him down. I think I could have taken, being abandoned and then and left. Divorced and move on with my life. But it infuriates me that she doesn’t even consider how her selfishness might affect him. I’m angry with the fact that it seems that her family doesn’t try to correct her. Yet they claim that they loved me and kiddo. It makes me dislike the “sisterhood” because women seem to validate bad behavior between each other at all costs. Unless of course, they were on the receiving end of the bullshit.

Regardless of my anger, it’s time to move and I have to start thinking about starting over. I don’t know what this looks like for now. Once the divorce is over, I need to start looking for a new house. Because STXW is so hell bent on living in NYC, I’m going to have to assume full custody. The houses where we currently live are super expensive and renting seems to be the only way I can stay there for now. I am getting close to my mid 40’s and despite that disaster of a marriage. I think that I do want to try again. I want a family, a wife, and one or two more children.

Obviously, dating is going to be a challenge, but perhaps it won’t be so hard once we actually sign the papers and let kiddo officially know that we are no longer together. He is getting old enough to where he can be left alone for longer periods of time. This does however also mean that whoever I get involved with has to know that we’re kind of a packaged deal. At least for another 4 or years.

I make a pretty decent wage now and I’d like to already have a house (at this age) before finding a wife. I’d rather her move in with me until we either get into something bigger OR depending on the size of the house, we could be there together. My mentality has to shift (not sure why it hasn’t already) into it just being about me and kiddo.

I wonder if I’ll ever overcome this intense ANGER that I have for STBXW. I know I gotta let it go, but damn man, it’s so hard to feel like you intentionally got done so wrong by a person who is unapologetic and acting as if they’ve done nothing to you. It’s hard to just let it get even though you that they’ve gotten OVER IT and probably will never feel bad about it.

Sometimes I just wish that I could find that right woman and realize that all the pain and suffering I endured was worth it in the end because I never would have met her had I not gone through all of that. I do want to feel ‘lucky’ and ‘blessed’ that I found an actual WIFE and not just another immoral reflectionless demon pretending to be one.

In an ideal world, I’d find this WIFE and we’d share a true love/bond/connection…. have a few kids and raise them right….and I’d hear though the grapevine that STBXW was out there still getting ran thru, used and abused by finessers, players, and all sorts of wicked men. That she was constantly being cheated on, scammed, and seemed to be cursed to have to deal with the absolute WORST kinds of men. That’s she’d someday look on my IG and Facebook and see the life that me and my beautiful WIFE are building. See our beautiful kids and home. See the genuine love we have for one another and get hurt, mad, or pissed realizing that she threw that away for a finesser and her own selfishness. She’d realize that if she was the “good” woman she thought she was, then maybe we could have at it all. That maybe she was actually the one holding ME back.

Although I should not allow myself to get caught up into these types of fantasies. It does feel good to dream a little. In my world, homewreckers and side (chicks/guys) deserve ‘the streets’ and 10x the negativity they tried to put onto others.

Unfortunately, in reality karma doesn’t necessarily work the way that I think it should. Who knows what might happen and I cannot be worried about what she’s doing. I’m hoping that once I’ve moved to the next chapter, I wouldn’t even care what becomes of her. She’d be like any of my other ex’s in the distant past. I barely even remember any of them.

Making Progress

I finally got around to filling out the divorce paperwork. I had a revelation that STBXW just didn’t “love” me. Ironically, female dating coaches like Ace Metaphor and Derrick Jackson made me realize this. But it’s not in a way of them saying “if your man does…. x,y,z, leave him.”

It’s because of the fact that it seems that he has to tell these women that if the men in their lives aren’t treating them right…..then they should leave. I didn’t treat STBXW bad, not nearly as a bad as how these men treat/treated their women…..yet they had to be told to leave.

This lets me know that she couldn’t have loved me. IF a woman is willing to stick it out with a man who treats her like dirt….but yet this one was willing to leave me while I treated her fairly well…..then I can either conclude that the problem was….I didn’t treat her bad enough….OR she just did not love me.

In reality, the accusations of me not being ‘ambitous enough’ or ‘ not telling her that I appreciated her’ (untrue ftr), or ‘ not supporting her’ (another rewriting of history) through Nurse Practitioner school were all unfounded. The fact that she’s inconsistent in “the reasons” she was “unhappy” lets me know that she’s just looking for ways to justify leaving. We had a pretty good life and even those weak excuses (though untrue) were not justification in breaking up our home.

I am still angry and bitter about the position she put me and kiddo in. She created a scenario where I cannot be satisfied with the outcome. The unilaterally broke our home without even attempting to fix it. She unceremoniously cheated, then left me without ever first discussing her grievances. And in the process, destroyed our home. Yet it seems that she doesn’t feel an ounce of remorse over doing it.

I think my biggest problem is that despite doing this, she thinks she is still a good woman who ‘deserves’ to be “happy”. Despite willfully doing something so wicked, it’s like she doesn’t even grasp the gravity of matter. It’s as if she accidentally dropped and broke a glass off the table or something. Her thing is that as long as noone really knows what happened. It’s as if it didn’t.

It’s the lack of self accountability and lack of remorse that really gets to me. Perhaps it really doesn’t mean much to her since her conscious mind isn’t kicking in and saying that YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG….you should feel bad about it. It instead uses lies and half truths in order to justify her bad behavior. Her righteous ‘indignation’ against others who have either slighted her or who’s misdeeds have become exposed makes her the ultimate hypocrite imo. It’s like she doesn’t smell her own shit.

Her wickedness and selfishness has affected me to where it’s hard to see satisfaction without losing out in some way or another. Her betrayals and ability to do what she did guarantee that the trust is completely off the table. Therefore there is NO POSSIBLE way of working things out. She lost my respect through her actions. Yet this also means that my nuclear family has no chance of ever being. Which I think is unfair to our son. I’m put in a no win situation and only left with cope.

It’s sad and pathetic that she put herself first like that. Not caring AT ALL about the effects and ramifications of her actions onto her own FAMILY. Again, dishonorable and worthy of losing respect. Sometimes I really hate her for what she did to me and to our family.

I chose her, but I regret ever marrying her and bringing a family into existence with her. I wonder if the guys she meets can see her selfishness and stupidity. I really hope that someday something clicks her mind that causes her to truly understand how wicked she was in this marriage. Yet it seems that people like that NEVER get it and to believe that she ever would is giving her too much credit. If she had enough sense to “get it” she would have never done it. Its so hard to deal with people like that. They’re like animals. Not quite human. An empty vessel. I have no sympathy for them.

Where they at tho

Was talking to STBXW last night on an issue she was having with one of her “female friends”. I was quite surprised that she opened up to me and talked about something so personal. I could have handled it by simply answering the question. And I did…. at first, but as we started digging, I pointed out her hypocrisy. Her conclusion was that her ‘friend’ was selfish and probably not someone she’d want to hang around.

In her story, the friend invited her to come out to her home to spend the night. She had to travel a couple of hours to get there, but by the time she arrived to the city, the friend didn’t answer the phone. She was pissed and said that the friend knew she was on the way, but ended up going to sleep before she got there. She was saying how angry and disrespected she felt. Also stating that the friend was very “selfish” for doing that.

I told her I understood, but I think it’s a bit hypocritical for her to be THAT angry….considering how she did me. I was like it was inconsiderate of her, but maybe you can now understand how selfishness can hurt the people you’re supposed to be ‘cool’ with. Instead of acknowledging, that she could see where I’m coming from….she went on a tirade about how this has nothing to do with that. And even had the audacity to say “this is why we could never work.”…..smh

I agreed and said, yeah, exactly.

I have no clue as to why in her mind that I would even consider taking her back. Then again, I have come the conclusion that she is batshit crazy.

It seems that this level of delusion, selfishness, and lack of self reflection isn’t uncommon in a LOT of women. From my homegirl T, to my lover, to STBXW, to the trainwrecks I see on youtube on a daily basis, and on social media…..it’s starting to get me to the point of really understanding how rare it is to find a woman of substance.

It’s like I cannot talk to these women in any meaningful way.

Another part of last night’s story was that I gave STBXW the analogy of if someone had stolen something from her, then later came back complaining about how someone stolen something from them. Or if I had cheated on her, then later came back and complained about how someone had cheated on me.

She didn’t seem to grasp how even though they were different situations, the PRINCIPLES were the same. And I’ve noticed that with the women I mentioned above, despite being highly educated and in their 30’s and 40’s….they seem to have difficulty grasping analogies.

Conversation is a frustrating endeavor indeed. They seem to prefer gossip and entertainment over deeper conversations. I get it, perhaps I do like to go a little deep. But it’s hard to want to be with a woman who’s approach to life is so superficial. IMO, these women should not really be able to make decisions. I know it sounds condescending….and perhaps it its….but they seem to have the emotional maturity of children.

It seems to be some cruel trick of fate that such women can command such high incomes, yet still have the emotional capacity of a middle schooler. I get it. Women are emotional, I get it. But it’s hard to respect a person who allows their emotions to override common sense. If you can’t control yourself and use “emotions” as an excuse to make poor decisions, it’s like you can’t be trusted. It makes you less than human imo because we all have the ability to do so. What’s lacking is the will and the integrity. Add that to the fact that they use it as an excuse to never hold themselves accountable, then why should they enjoy the same freedoms as men who are expected to hold themselves and be held accountable.

I get that you can’t control your feelings sometimes, but you are responsible for your actions. I can feel like slapping the shit out of someone, but it doesn’t give me an excuse to put my hands on them except in self defense. But if I do allow my emotions to dictate my actions, and I cause harm to someone, I will usually be held accountable in some shape or form for it.

Ya know though, despite all my complaints about finding spending time and conversation with most women as tolerable at best…..i still hold out the hope that there is someone out there who I can have a meaningful connection with. Perhaps it is a pipe dream, but it’s pretty much all I got at this point. Perhaps I’m getting too old, or maybe it’s maturity. But one reason I don’t feel the need to ‘chase’ a woman is because I haven’t found one yet that really stands out to me in a deeper way. Superficial beauty is one thing. And STBXW fit the bill way back then. But after that experience, I’ve come to realize that I need something MORE. And perhaps weeding through all the bots will eventually help me appreciate the right one even more should she ever come along. And if we did have that deeper connection and mutual attraction. SHE would be worth fighting for. But I’d like to hope that we’d be willing to fight for each other.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out better ways to cope with these bots and get along better with them so that I can pretend for long enough to get the pussy then get out. A man got needs too ya know.

It really does take all of that

My homegirl loves to say….”if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kat”. It’s a pretty nonsensical statement to me because a man could definitely want to have sex with her, but not want to be her man.

But what does it even mean to “want her”. I’m at a loss with that. What would ‘wanting a woman’ entail. I mean technically, if her “kat” is attached to her, he does want her if he wants sex.

But Does that mean he likes to hang out with her? Perhaps it means that he wants to marry her someday. He wants to bask in her presence or something.

I don’t understand. Perhaps the simping has been beaten out of me at this point. I don’t know what it means to want a woman. Like, I love my family and friends, but what does ‘wanting’ them mean.

When I think of “being her man” it’s like asking to be her slave. Like I was trying to convey to her, it seems that the requirement to keep a woman “happy” is so high whereas men generally ask for very little. We pretty much just ask for loyalty, cooperation (not necessarily ‘submission’), sex, and maybe a sandwich here and there.

To keep a woman “happy” however, he needs to keep her from being “bored”. He needs to damn near be a therapist. He has to keep things “spicy”. He has to wine and dine her. He has to give her a lot of attention. He has to take her on vacations. He has to buy the ocassional expensive gift. He has to constantly show how much he appreciates her. He has to be responsible for leading her somewhere. He has to make sure he’s ambitious enough, but needs to be able to figure out how to give her enough time. He has find that balance between being supportive and not being a pushover. He has to occassionally “put her in her place.” He has to deal with swaying emotions. He has to be the protector. He has to be the provider. Be The voice of reason. He has to keep her laughing. He has to “change” on her schedule.

Failure to do any of this….Or if she finds a guy who is willing to do some of what you may not be doing, then she feels that she deserves better or justified in cheating. Or she may just stop putting out because she is no longer attracted. But he still better not cheat or he’s the worst thing since the first coming of Hitler.

A man truly has to be in love to want to sign up for this risky one sided proposition. Many will try and often times succeed at many of the tasks. But she never looks at the hits, but will often highight and even exaggerate the misses. He puts himself on a perpetual treadmill of moving goalposts trying to keep her happy in order to make sure she either doesn’t leave or will continue letting him get the same pussy he’s gotten a million times before.

The “love” is so conditional and many of the women are selfish as fuck these days. They feel entitled to a man doing all of that, yet will do the bare minimum themselves (which again, there wasn’t much we were asking for in the first place). We are willing to take on the financial burden and if necessary, even take on a lifestyle cut to support her and the family…..Yet most women ‘feel’ that they are settling if the shoe were on the other foot.

And despite the one sided nature of this relationship …. even if you do love, adore, cherish, respect, and honor her, it’s not enough. She feels entitled to more and more and more. Failure to give her above and beyond is met with either threats or action on her behalf to leave. She feels that she has either “outgrown” the relationship….or she needs to “grow” and experience more.

They love from a place of “feeling” which is so fickle…..whereas i believe most men love more from a place of “principle” which his more fixed.

To me it’s just not worth the effort. I mean if all of that comes with “wanting” a woman….my homegirl is right kind of right. If it takes all of that just to get her “kat” than I’d rather handle my sexual needs with my hand. Intimacy is cool and all, but seriously, what kind of fool wants to jump through all of those hoops only to be appreciated for “what have you done for me lately”. A fool “in love” that’s who.

Despite the one sided nature of these relationships, I’d almost be willing to do it, but it’s lack of acknowledgment and appreciation that kills me. Once they are done with you, they don’t give a fuck about how you feel in the end. You’re easily discarded like a piece of trash and they rarely if ever feel remorse for losing you. Until they figure out the grass wasn’t actually greener out there and they see you’ve moved on to someone else.