Free er but still Bound

Trauma bonds are real. Despite knowing that STBXW just isn’t good for me, she still takes up too much real estate in my mind. Despite my lover really wanting make a go at things and having a couple of women showing interest in the past few weeks…..I still can’t seem to stop ruminating over her.

It’s like my brain is trying to still process how she could be like “that”. It is trying to make sense of it all. Perhaps part of it is fear that she’ll actually find someone else. Not sure why though. She’s had quite a few lovers since the time of her waywardness. Tbh, I don’t even really know who she is anymore. I do know that her perspectives and views on things are very dissimilar to mine. The whole traveler vs vacationer blog post came from a text that she sent me.

She sent me a meme at 3:00am this morning saying:

“There are some people who can hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word.”

I don’t know why it bothered me. Well, I hate stupid shit for one reason. Another is that my “mind movies” envisioned her just leaving from a lover who was telling her how much he gets her, so she was feeling that moment and sent it to me as a “see someone actually gets me” …..

Jump to conclusions much? UGH….. I should have just ignored it. Instead, I sent one back saying that “lack of communication can ruin a great thing.” Then I sent her a youtube short video titled “men are not mind readers”

A female friend told me that I’m too combative and like to argue too much. She says it could drive ‘women’ away. I think she means doing shit like this. I just don’t like not challenging the stupid shit that people say sometimes. Especially if they try to get me to buy into it. I probably should work on it…. But on the other hand, I believe that running with blanket advice like that can be detrimental.

At the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter. And to me it doesn’t. This is why I say that this trauma bond thing is getting annoying at this point. I feel rediculous because if left unchecked, I find my mind asking me shit like…..”so, you’re actually done with her huh”….. or “i don’t understand how she walks around feeling ok about acting that way.” or “she’s so damned slow” or “what kind of simp would take her seriously knowing she’s married.”

I often envision myself saying stupid stuff to her like “they can’t really know how u really get down” or asking “how could you think you’re a good woman despite doing shit the way you do.” ….and the list goes on and on.

I am ruminating over this and I suppose that part of the trauma bond or journey to recovery is the uncontrolled thoughts that you have wanting to vindicate yourself from feeling like you somehow deserved all this.

How is it that I have chalked her behavior up to narcissism or at the very least emotional immaturity….but yet I find myself still holding her to a ‘normal’ standard of behavior. It’s like playing a game where I’m trying to follow the rules, while she just makes shit up as we go along….constantly changing the rules as it suits her….or simply ending the ‘game’ and claiming victory at given moment. It feels like I’m in bizarro world when I’m engaging with her. Who the fuck knows, gravity works one minute, then the next we’re all flying all over the place. Down is suddenly up, right is left, but then left is now inside?

Why do I feel the need to try to clarify, explain, converse, or even argue with her? We operate on different frequencies. All of my rebuttals, explanations, clap backs….even the one i sent back this morning….will all fall upon deaf ears.

It’s seriously like trying to engage with an immature child or a severely mentally disabled person about philosophy. But then getting angry because they want to turn it into an unrelated ‘fart’ joke. I could probably make the association in an attempt to make it funny or sound all zen like, but I know it wasn’t their intent. Plus, they wouldn’t actually ‘get it.’ And could possibly use it against me if it suits their needs.

She hears what I’m saying, but who knows how in the hell she actually processes it. It’s not like she’s going to come back with any sort of defense, justification, or even a real explanation of how she gets to her conclusions. I’ve learned a long time ago that arguing with her is like arguing with a brick wall. I now overstand the phrase “stonewalling”. Our disagreements aren’t conversations, they’re more like me trying to educate her…..pull information out of her…..Or I’m chastising or scolding her as if she’s a child….though that is never my intention.

I want her to understand my position and I try to understand hers. I want her to see the nuances in her perspectives and possibly find some way to meet me in the middle. She doesn’t have to agree with me, but just understand where I’m coming from. I’m also open to seeing things from her perspective if she cared enough (or had the ability to) to lay it out for me.

I’ve tried to just shut up and listen, even when she says something I think it bat shit crazy…..but, she’ll say some crazy shit and leave it at that. And it feels as if I don’t challenge it, i implicitly agree with her.

That usually looks like “yes, i see what you’re saying (rephrasing/repeating what she said), but have you considered….”

She needs a ‘yes dear’ man, the type of guy my homegirl says I should be. That would be hard for me if were together because some of her decisions would actually impact our lives. Lately though, it’s been easier as I really don’t care about many of her bad choices as they don’t affect my life as much.

Sudden mind question: “Did she really file for divorce, why haven’t I heard anything from the lawyer she claimed to hire.” “Why isn’t she telling me anything”. “Does she have something up her sleeve?”

Man, I can’t wait for this period of my life to be over. Having a good wife can be a good thing, but choosing the wrong one can really fuck your life up.

What Am I doing?

My lover hit me with the “what are we doing” speech yesterday. It’s funny bcuz me and my home girl was just talking about how women feel that men who won’t commit just waste their time. I don’t see it as such. I think that it’s not anymore of a waste of time than a failed relationship.

My lover, R is an amazing woman. She has her issues for sure, but we all do. We’ve been kicking for a WHILE now. At least 5 years. I met her like 2 years after my wife began her wayward journey. What started off as what was supposed to be a fling, turned into a friends with benefits situation, into a damn, we’re still kicking it!!!, to got damn we still kicking it??? Ironically, in many ways, she is like what STBXW wants to be insofar as money and success. She actually is world traveled. She does own real estate. She drives the car STBXW wanted.

That said, she is looking for the next step which is marriage and a family.

This is hard for me because I like things as they are. We get along pretty good, but we do have some intense arguments sometimes. I guess this is normal for any couple who’ve been seeing each other for a while. We get along much better than we used to, but I do understand her frustration in the matter. The thing is, I never told her that she can’t date or see anyone else. I just asked for her honesty in the matter. It’s proof (at least to me anyway) that if a woman is “in love” with you, she isn’t really interested in seeing anyone else. I think she knows that it would hurt me if she did so it’s not fair to throw that back on her when she brings up she feels that I need to make my mind up or let her go.

While I do appreciate the love and perhaps before meeting stbxw I may have jumped on such an amazing woman…..Right now, I think my heart has been hardened towards the idea of a happily ever after. If I am honest….I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. This has nothing to do with her…..I don’t want to be “in love” with anyone and though we share some amazing experiences…..I never allowed myself to feel it that deeply. I intentionally kept myself from getting swept off my feet. Don’t get me wrong, when I say that I’m not “in love” with her, I would still do almost anything for her. I adore her and she holds a very special place in my heart.

I was just so hurt so bad by stbxw that I don’t think I could ever allow myself to love someone that deeply again (be uncontrollably in love). I always leave room to walk away as not to be totally crushed should she choose to move on. I guess it a continuation of my marriage in a way in that I realized that love eventually becomes a choice….and those butterfly feelings aren’t always gonna be there. I wonder if she realizes this about the general nature of marriage?

One of my biggest concerns is that I wonder if the love she has for me is really real. Or is it just lust and a fantasy of me she projects onto me. Can it withstand the good and bad….the ups and downs of real life. “Relationships” are on easy mode when you just see each other on the weekends or every few weeks or so. But what about actually living together and making life decisions that affect one another. What happens when you move in and the sex starts getting too familiar. When the goal of actually ‘having’ that person becomes realized and there are no obstacles stopping you from being together. When the chase is over. When you realize the actual person and not the weekend version of them. I guess the question is….does she truly love me or is she just “in love” with a version me.

Another concern is that most of her friends are married to very successful guys. One owns a chain of dental offices, another comes from a well do do jewish family, and another seems very successful in whatever his field of work is. What happens when they get together and talk about what their husband’s do. Their money and finances. Even though she makes great money….. how would it make her feel to say that I’m an average guy making average money, doing average things compared this guy is doing this or that guy is doing that.

Could I afford the big wedding she wants or the 10 to 15k ring she wants. What about kiddo? Do I leave my job that I currently have and actually enjoy to move up there with her? I think she’d be open to moving back down here if I really asked and had a plan…..but do I really want to unpend her life risking that she wouldn’t be happy here. My life is boring. I work, I train, I take care of my son, and I see her from time to time. We do have fun when we get together, but what happens when we live together. When she knows all my jokes or how I make them.

The thing is, that I don’t think we could maintain based on attraction alone as familiarity tends to breed contempt. I don’t think I can make her life any better financially nor socially. I don’t see how I could contribute to her outside of loving her in the simp like way that I loved STBXW. We see where that got me. I could support her and pick up the slack where she needs it, but how can I find the balance between being the “man” of the house yet she’d be the one financing our lifestyle mostly.

This could work IF i had a dream or some sort of ambition. Say I was a martial arts coach or was trying to open up some business. Maybe then, she could support me in those dreams. If I had a direction where it made sense to have her in my life. If I had an idea of planning on our retirement or had some sort of end goal in mind besides owning a home and maybe a little land.

As of now, I’m the free spirited “fun” friend who provides the ‘boyfriend’ experience without the responsibilities of being her “man”. I’m sort of also a beta in the sense of being co dependent on how she feels. If i were more narcissistic (not a humble brag) maybe I’d jump right in and not see how this could possibly affect her. I wouldn’t care. And maybe this strength would help her be ok because it wouldn’t bother me to care if she was hurting or struggling or unhappy. I’d be more confident. Ironically, it seems to me, for it to have a chance of working would be if I was “that” type of guy who really didn’t give a fuck about anyone but myself. As of now, I do care about what her family, friends, and peers would think about me. Actually, it’s now it would make her feel about what they thought about me.

Would she lose all respect for me? I’d have to change a lot. But without her, I’m pretty content and happy with who I am. It’s only in light of being her husband/man do I actually think less of myself. It does beg the question of if things would be different if she were less successful and less accomplished. As it is, I’d see myself as a pet or accessory somehow less than a man. She doesn’t need me and I don’t know how outside of good sex and basically being a do boy/handy man how i could be of any use to her. Again, what happens when the familiarity and routine really kicks in?

Don’t get me wrong, in spite of her accomplishments and travels, I don’t believe she’s actually smarter, more capable, nor better than me overall. We both have our strengths and weaknesses, but do they compliment each other enough to make it work?

On one hand, i do like the idea that I’m not “in love” with her and that is the only shining grace to all of this. I don’t want to be in love with anyone. If it doesn’t work, then I don’t think I’d be crushed. Hurt for sure, but not suicidal like I was before. But on the other….if I were, I don’t think I’d be so hesitant to try to figure out ways to make it work for us.

But doesn’t she deserve that type of love from someone? But who’s to say she’d actually find it. How many actually do. And of those, how often is it one sided. But if I’m in the picture as a permanent fixture, she most likely wouldn’t. Maybe I gotta let her go as bad as it would hurt both of us.

Why do women make shit so complicated?

A Witch Got Priorities

STBXW called last night and was asking if I thought if traveling for kiddo is important for his well development. Instead of answering directly, I asked if she thought so and why. She says that she thinks it gives people more culture and perspective on the world. She believes that it makes a person more well rounded.

While I agree with her that travel can be a great for the development of a person. I think her idea of traveling is actually vacationing. Maybe I’m making it more complicated than necessary, but the distinction between the two in my opinion is pretty significant. It’s not to say that one is ‘better’ than the other from a preferences perspective. But from the perspective of well roundedness or becoming more cultured, I think the difference is night and day.

I don’t think the benefits of vacationing are as important as learning life skills…..for example, I’d think that boyscouts or learning an instrument or playing sports is more beneficial to a child. It’s not that I’m opposed to vacationing. I’m actually all for it. But it sort of irks me when people….especially wanna be bougie class people confuse the two.

She seems to think that going to Dubai, staying in luxury hotels, and doing a few excursions counts as travel. In certain ways perhaps. Maybe vacationing is a subset of traveling. A type of travel. But to me, traveling is actually immersing yourself in the culture. It’s going off the well beaten tourist path. It’s going into a city and getting lost, taking public transportation, and mixing it up with the locals. It’s meeting other people in hostels or speaking with Air Bnb hosts about their perspectives and experiences. It’s living and experiencing life as a common person in a foreign land.

How does going to Cabo mexico and staying on a resort, maybe taking an excursion on the boat really compare to going to Mexico City and walking around downtown, living in somoene’s house and seeing how they actually live. What are their views and perspectives? What’s a normal day like for them? What kind of festivals are around? What kinds of food do regular people eat around here? What specialties is this place known for? Who are the local artists? What is the music scene like? What do people say when they toast? What are the most popular sports? Things like that. On most vacations, you don’t even have to learn the native language to get around. As I saw in an article, the difference between traveling and vacationing is that with one you come back with pictures where as with the other, you come back with stories.

I think the thing that bothers me about bougie people who mistake vacationing for traveling is that they see it as sort of a virtue signaling flex. It’s like ‘look at me’, I’m more cultured now because I was on a sandals resort in Jamaica which i needed my passport to get. It’s the whole pretentious, I’m better/smarter/more cultured than you because I went there type of vibe. Tbh, I’d be more impressed with someone who came back from the local art museum being able to explain what impressionist art really is and how it influenced something important. Many vacationers act like just because they took another picture of the grand canyon and slapped a filter on it, they’re somehow more knowledgeable on plate tectonics and erosion.

You smelled the air at the grand canyon….Congratulations. I’ll be sure to reach out to you when I have geological questions about the earth or about the politics that concern the people who live around there.

It’s sort of like how poor people finally get some money and buy tacky luxury brand items to feel more important about themselves. It’s materialism and egocentrism at it’s finest. Ironically, I’d think if you actually Traveled and not vacationed, you’d appreciate the simplicity of how most people live and be more grateful, thus more humble about your travels. I think that these types of vacationers suffer from the kruger dunning effect where they think they are more ‘cultured’ than they actually are. I know quite a few bougie people who have vacationed and they seem just as ignorant insofar as their mentalities as people who don’t. I think this partially why a lot of American tourists have bad reps in many other nations.

Not that I’m totally dumping on people who vacation…..or who like to vacation. But it seems to almost be an insult to people who actually travel. The difference between the two is like going to a football game in person and watching from the nosebleed section versus being on the actual field. Sure, going to the game is an experience, but I don’t see how it could make you a better football player in real life.

The thing that really irks me about her is that she is acting so concerned about his well being and overall development, but still somehow thinks it’s a good idea to live so far apart. I’d go so far as to say even live in different households. I’d think that if his well being was so important to her, she would have at least tried to work on our marriage before having an affair and leaving. And even if our efforts failed, then at least attempt to live close enough where we could both play an active role in his life at the same time.

Of course the living together thing just can’t happen now. She’s crossed the line in ways that are unforgivable insofar as making things work for us. And she’s still unrepentant about it. I don’t know if she’ll ever get it. I don’t think I will ever understand how she thought that what she did was justifiable in any conventional sense of ethics, morality, and well….just plain common sense….at least if the goal is use what we know about life to make kiddo’s life better.

She is the epitome of everything I think is backwards with posers and fakers. She wants black excellence and to be a power couple, yet doesn’t do anything….besides work at her job which (admittedly) makes decent money. However, she doesn’t do anything to make changes and differences in the community. She doesn’t mentor anyone nor does she volunteer. She doesn’t organize anything. Doesn’t research issues affecting the community. Ok, fine, I get it’s not for everyone (maybe it should be, but that’s another subject). But just saying, most of black excellence thing is the DOING…..not just the desire for the title. Confusing vacationing with traveling is another example of this poser complex.

It would be like saying you’re a health guru despite eating McDonalds all the time and never working out because being a health guru is what ‘cultured’ people do. She blames me for my “lack of ambition”, yet the only difference between us is that she went one step further and got a master’s degree. This degree happens to be in a good field and I won’t take away from the fact that she got it…..but now what? It isn’t like she went back to continuing education courses, did any extra research or use her degree in order to be anything other than a rank and file nurse practitioner.

It just seems fake to me. It’s superficial. I know teachers who make much less money who seem way more engaged in changing the lives of others. If she was the type of person who volunteered or actually did real research and took action on say (the medical field, stock market or real estate or politics, or hell….anything) she endeavors to do, then I could respect it more.

As of now, she sees what other people are doing on tic tok and claims that is what she’s into now. Like ma’am tic tok and instagram probably shouldn’t be your primary tools of ‘research’.

I realize that I don’t do it either, but just saying, you don’t see me out here blaming my lack of ambition on anyone other than my own personal decisions. Just saying, if you want to build an empire….go build it and stop complaining that you want one. Noone is stopping her and I always supported her in her decisions to do whatever.

It just reminds me of how selfish she is. I mean seriously. I never prevented her, but on the contrary always supported her and her dreams/ambitions. In fact, I’d go so far to say that IF she did find something she was interested in doing, I’d also help (as in do most so we could talk about it) her research what she was trying to do. When she wanted to go to doctors school in the carribean, who did research on the different schools and options. ME. In the process, I even learned what steps it took to actually become a doctor. So she can’t say that I ever held her back from anything. Her desire to split our family came imo solely from the fact that she wanted to go out there and ride some new dicks. I was supportive of everything else. Though she’ll never admit it….facts are facts.

If she wanted to travel more, I was always open it…even alone if she desired it. When she wanted a specific car I thought we couldn’t afford…..i went and did the research on the best interests rates and prices for it. I even set up appointments for her to speak with the banker at the credit union…..when time for action, she didn’t show up.

The dudes she cheated with were not out here changing the world exactly. The were regular ass dudes, jsut like me trying to survive. In some cases worse off financially and making matters even worse, cheaters who seemed more focused getting her to suck dick than being honorable men to their wives and families. I won’t even get started on her so called best male friend who went along wtih sleeping with her during our marriage….what a low life dirtbag…..but I digress….

TBH, I’d say that a pre requisite to black excellence is making sure your black family is good first. (financially, healthwise, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually) That should be the first and foremost priority imo.

I texted her this morning asking if she thought that traveling was more important than having an intact household. Of course, based on her actions, I already know the answer, but I am wondering if she ever thought about it that way.

Cold Hearted

I was watching a video about narcissists by a self proclaimed “self aware” narcissist. He described how narc’s don’t think about things the way other people do. According to him, they see people as tools to get what they want. “Good” or “bad” doesn’t really exist to them anymore than a lion sees a gazelle as good or bad. It’s just food.

In their minds, the “good” things you do to them don’t have any bearing on whether or not you deserve any specific kind of treatment they may give to you. Relationships are more about utility(as in do you meet their needs, expectations, desires) than about love.

I do think STBXW definitely exhibits narcissistic traits. I think she lacks self awareness and real sympathy. I think she can sort of act it out, but I think everything goes back in relation to her. I don’t think that she feels things deeply and sort of objectifies the people in her life. I really shouldn’t take what she did/does as personal because she doesn’t really look at things from a good or bad perspective. It’s more like, what is the best means to get me what I want.

Because she always made decent money and bought generally whatever she wanted, I used to go out of my way to find thoughtful gifts for her. As an example, I bought her a pandora charm bracelet once for mother’s day and the goal was to put new charm on it every mother’s day. Each charm would represent something significant that happened that year. One year, During her affair, for mother’s day, we (kiddo and I) brought her a charm with a globe on it…..because this is when she first told us of her love of ‘travel.’ She seemed to swoon over it. She loved it. “Or so she said”. Because she was knee deep up her affair parnter’s ass. She left it home and rarely spoke on it. She never even put the charm on the bracelet. One year later, kiddo and and I decided to play a prank and give the same charm. It was still in the same box. When she got it….once again she was was like “awww, this so beautiful”….” l love it!”….. she didn’t even notice or realize that it was the same one we got for her a year ago. We got a good laugh out of it and gave her another charm….. but this is just one example of how i think that she can really fake it, but not really feel it….as far as I know that charm is still in the box all these years later.

I used to write her heartfelt emails and letters when we were in honeymoon phase love. Never got one back in return. That should have been a red flag. Our wedding was a beautiful day for me at the time. I thought she also actually felt it in a deep way as well. But now, based on the way she handled the charm and other thoughtful gifts I got her. And the way she so carelessly and easily discarded our family with little to no remorse or guilt…..despite us not having any REAL maritial problems. Without even fighting for it…… Along with several conversations we’ve had about love, life, family….etc. Plus she never bought me anything very ‘thoughtful’ except maybe a pack of socks (which tbh I was grateful because I needed some at the time). I am starting to see that she truly does NOT think about things in a way that I would. It appears that her mentality is very much self serving.

It’s small things like if she’s in bed and I come into the room, I’ll turn on the closet light as to disturb her as little as possible….on the other hand, if I’m in the bed and she comes in, she turns on the main light…..and my even leave it on when she leaves back out of the room. If I ask her to get me my favorite bag of chips, she’ll return with something else….on the other hand, I took note of her favorite items or snacks and would get them for her if I made a store run.

That said, it’s really no wonder that the small, yet significant times we’ve had meant so little to her. This could explain how she is/was so easy to throw everything away without a second thought. I thought that my thoughtfulness in the ways I treated her would mean something to her. I didn’t keep score as I knew she had a selfish streak in her…..i chalked it up to her being an “only child”. But I’ve come to realize that she doesn’t place much significance on those types of things. Whereas I think I do….at least when it came to our family. To me it was OURS to make the best and most of it. It was truly a blessing in my eyes. I think she just saw it as an accomplishment to wear like a badge or something. To put it in martial arts terms…..I’d think that if she got a McDojo black belt by paying for it over the couse of 2 years, but learned little or nothing, she’d really treasure it…..but I probably wouldn’t place much merit in it. ( Maybe our “love languages” are just too different.

That said, perhaps it is best that we do split. Even though she doesn’t have to experience things as deeply as I did…..i would think that it would be beneficial if we both did. I’d think that it would be a type of glue to keep us bound….even in hard times or in the face of temptation. I think that because she didn’t /doesn’t feel that way, then we cannot overcome the storms that life throws our way.

In the end, i think that I would like to find someone who can actually experience life on a deeper level. STBXW’s way seems much more superficial. It just cannot work for me as she’d never really appreciate me nor treat me in a way that I’d like to actually be treated. If not for her infidelities and desire to leave, I think that I would have been content to deal with it. I’m not a person who believes in ‘deserves’ as in I’d trade my loved one in for a “better” model. I do have my limits though and she unceremoniosly crossed both of them. So given the opportunity for a fresh start, I think that if I ever do the relationship thing again, one of my desires is to be with someone who can actually….ya know….feel something.

Make it make sense

Lately I’ve had this idea that modern day relationships are usually very 1 sided. Especially if you’re a simp. As a recovering simp on the road of becoming a ‘normal human’. I’m starting to see how society is really set up to make relationships one sided in favor of a woman.

As men, we are expected to protect, provide, be a porn star, make her laugh, keep her entertained, help around the house, spend time with her, anticipate her needs, figure out when to help and when to just listen, find the balance between being strong and emotional, deal with her changing needs, be patient with her. Give her freedom, yet also put your foot down. We have to be the leader, be ambitious, be giving and self sacrificing. Like it’s a lot having to deal with a woman if you want to keep her happy. In many ways (and I know women aren’t animals) but it’s like having a needy pet.

As for us (me anyway), we usually only require faithfulness, agreeableness, and just be a good person overall. Beauty is great, but she doesn’t have to be a model. Just be a good person overall. Not perfect, just good. Do the basics, be honest, help keep the house clean, give consistent sex (not even all the time) and don’t be a bitch. Like….why is that so hard?

We are expected to take a lifestyle cut in order to support our family. If we make more money, we are expected to cover the bills based on income percentage at the very least. If she makes more money, you’re lucky if she’s goes 50/50 with you. And you better be on the path of meeting or exceeding her income level very very soon. How is that for reciprocity in this age of women’s rights?

Think about it. What do we get in return for all of this…….pussy and for her to treat us like a decent person. An argument can be made that she ‘sacrifices her body’ in order to have kids. Still though, in this day in age, while she does actually carry the baby, most modern men (that I know) still stay up all night and split the responsibility once the baby is here while still maintianing the house, their jobs, and responsibilities.

Apparently though, this is simpish behavior. Ironically, despite a man doing ALL of this shit they say they want, while requiring the bare minimum in return….many women still find themselves unhappy, bored, and unfulfilled a lot of times in marriage. They seem to be attracted more to the men who put themselves first and put them (women) through hell. If you don’t trauma bond her, she probably ends up cheating or leaving. You can’t be a “good” man for real for real. It’s boring.

Then if you happen to meet those expectations, the bar gets set higher. It’s like you’re first and goal, but the line of scrimmage suddenly moves back 10 yards every time you make some forward progress. And while you’re out there pushing, grinding, and doing whatever it takes to get one more yard…they sit back on the sidelines and complain to their work husband or object of lust about how much you suck as a man…..before lustfully sucking him off in a parking lot on a random Tuesday. Meanwhile, you’re lucky if you can even get some lazy head on your birthday.

The sick thing is that we sign up for this bullshit. We actually get down on one knee in a submissive position and beg her to be with us. We spend this money on a gotdamned overpriced ring. Pay for an overpriced celebration (wedding)…. Pay for a honeymoon vacation just to get the same pussy we’ve probably already been fucking…..Just to work for her in hopes that she won’t cheat, keep us sexually satisfied, and not leave. However given that 80% of all divorces are filed by women, a good percentage of us fail. Then she takes our kids, break our homes, or ends up fucking the neighbor with the excuse of she just wasn’t happy. If we are the primary breadwinner, then she takes half our shit….regardless of if she was the one who fucked up the marriage or not.

Listen man, marriage is probably one of the dumbest things we as men can do in the 21st century. The only thing women really bring to the table is sex. I mean seriously. Women typically don’t enjoy our hobbies and usually aren’t even interested in learning to like them. They want too much shit. They are materialistic. They have mental issues a lot times. They are emotionally needy. And got forbid they don’t get what they want, they act like spoiled children with entitlement issues. ANY excuse will do as justification if they feel like cheating on you.

They want the big house, the fancy trips, the expensive date nights. We can cook, we can clean, we can pay our own bills. TBH, I’m happy going to work, coming home, working out and chilling. Maybe drinking, visiting family and friends, and playing video games on the weekend. I’m good. I’m grateful. The bills are paid. I don’t need an expensive ass house full of expensive ass furniture. I don’t need for her to entertain me. I don’t bask in her glow or anything.

Seriously, what the fuck are we doing? Outside of raising a family together in a stable home. Why put yourself though all that bullshit and put your life on hard mode. The worst part is, they be acting like they are doing you a favor. Like you’re somehow indebted to them just because they give you increasingly lazier pussy. Like they are the prize. What do you get for your birthday, holidays, or special events…..the same pussy you always get maybe this time in some new lingerie (which might i add is usually there to make HER feel sexier). Maybe you’ll get some socks or another tie for that suit you only wear to interviews, weddings, and funerals.

I don’t know man, the juice don’t seem worth the squeeze. I mean yeah the sex is good and all but still…..you’re also expected to keep them sexually satisfied…..so that’s a wash. It’s even I mean assuming they actually tell you the truth about how good you’re hitting it.

Another point is that if you’re the guy they actually feel physical lust for, they don’t require any of that other shit from you.

The best case scenario for a man to have with a woman in 2022 is the to be the guy she’s attracted to who is fucking her the best. You aren’t required to do shit…..at worst she may want commitment from you, but you really don’t have to give it to her.

I never liked being a side dude, because I don’t like sharing women, but for real, given the alternatives and the work required to keep that woman…..it may just best to try to find a friend with benefits or either go monk mode. Side dude is 3rd on the list. I find it the idea deplorable though…..it’s dishonorable as well as gross. But given the choice of being the poor smuck who is playing that unwinnable game and still getting cheated on or being the side dude, the latter is definitely the preferred option.

To most women, a “good” man isn’t good enough. Doing the basics isn’t good enough because she believes she ‘deserves’ the best. Asking to be her man is basically saying you’re the best……and guess what….she’s gonna hold u to that. Impossible task because over time, your validation isn’t enough for her. Your compliments no longer have the same effect. That youngin at the store who called her gorgoeous will have her swooning while u give her same compliment, it’s almost like saying “nice weather we’re having today.”

I think women really don’t understand how much they complicate men’s lives and don’t appreciate the sacrifices we make for them because they feel ‘entitled’ to it. As simps, we make them feel ‘entitled’ to it……and that shit gotta stop. The thirst and simpin is strong in this era, so I doubt that happen anytime soon.

Simps are gonna keep simping and their women are gonna just keep oppressing them while fucking the ladies men behind their backs. Lust is love to most of these women and good luck with maintainng that over time while doing ‘real’ life over time with her. Unless you’re the type of dude who can trauma bond her, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Unpopular opinion, but moving forward, if (and that’s a big IF) i were to ever get married again. She needs to ask me. I am required to sacrifice and risk way too much while getting so little in return to be seen as less than a prize. I’ll be damned if I get on one knee and beg a woman to be with me who isn’t reciprocating half of what I’m giving to her. She wants to hold sex as a carrot and stick type of deal. I gotta keep stepping it up if she see’s me every day. She wants me to attempt to do the impossible which is to satiate the unsatiable. And…. I gotta regulate her emotions which she herself can’t even seem to control?

If money can’t keep rich people together. Porn stars don’t have good marriages. Celebrities get divorced all the time. Comedians usually end up alone……what chance does an average guy out here have to make it out of marriage to the other side. This system isn’t working. It’s stupid and it really has no benefit for a man this day in age. It’s too much work, too little reward, and too much risk.

Venomous Honey Flavored Cocaine

I think that a lot of women want a dude to fall head over heels and hopelessly in love with them in order to gain some sort of power over them. Perhaps it’s a form of insecurity. But if you happen to fall into the trap, these megalomaniacs then use your attraction/addiction to them in order to squeeze every bit of resources, protection, time, emotions and so forth out of you. Once they know they have it, then then mask falls off. You’re their slave and you’ll do anything to keep their validation and love for you around. Sex is no longer a pleasurable act, but actually becomes weaponized in order to get you to do what they want on their terms. Fail to comply with their needs, they’re out. Basically, they want to you be under the spell of being “in love”. Ironically, once they receive it, they lose attraction and respect for you. Don’t do it. Don’t let yourself fall in love.

Meanwhile, the thing we as men have at our disposal is that during the process of them trying to win you over, they’ll do damn near anything to get you to that state of mind. You have stay strong. During that time, they may show you some act right. But if they ever sense that you cannot walk away…..they’ve got u. They win. You can play the role to see how it might play out, but if you ever actually fall….the reality is….they got u……trapped. These modern women are like black widow spiders. They devour the males after mating with them. The males let it happen to them. In a similar sense, instead of devouring them during the mating process…..they devour men who fall in love.

Falling in love is like ingesting venomous honey flavored cocaine. It’s sweet yet addictive and poisonous. I’ve seen countless stories of hapless victims to this dangerous drug. It’s evidenced by them getting cheated on, disrespected, discarded by some of the most vile women imaginable, yet somehow rationalizing an irrational desire to want to be with them. I was once there and am still in recovery. Yeah, I once indulged in this sweet nectar, and just like most recovering drug addicts will tell you……yeah, I am a drug addict. They realize that this may be a life long condition or temptation despite it dragging their souls through the scorching hot jagged rocks of hell.

My lover once told me that if she were STBXW, she’d treat me the same way. That always stuck with me. I don’t think she really understood (or maybe she did) how I’d take that. I think she was trying to tell me to get over it in a way….. but still, the idea that sh’e’d also take advantage of someone who was in love with her is duly noted in my mind. Why take advantage of a person who loves you….even if you no longer reciprocate those feelings. I’d think you’d try to be respectful as possible….especially if they are trying to respect your feelings in the matter.

I suppose it’s not their problem, but for me, the idea that someone could simply fall out of love with you and due to that fact, they no longer value you, your friendship, your history, or you as a person isn’t something I’d consider as loyalty or faithfulness. In fact, I’d say it is a form of using someone. I don’t think my home girl understands that. She seems to also buy into the sentiment that once the “thrill” is gone (or she’s no longer happy), the relationship is over. Fuck that man. Relationships therefore are superficial and self serving and this isn’t imo a foundation to build a family upon. If not for the desire to have a family…..then what is the point the progression of titles in relationshps (friends, boyfrined/girlfriend, fiance, husband/wife) anyway. It’s just delaying the enevitable break up and making things much harder on everyone when it does happen.

I think most women mistake love for feelings of lust and attraction. And if someone better comes along and they think they’ll get it, they’ll drop u like a hot potato….or at the very least try it out by taking a “break”, cheating, or monkey branching. If it doesn’t work out, then they might come back temporarily…..however their respect for you is completelty gone by then.

Man, you just can’t trust your heart with a woman. She’s too fickle, self serving, whimsical, and victim to her own emotions. I really wish I had known this in the past. I wouldn’t have tried to give my heart out and I wouldn’t be in such a bad state of mind. My home girl doesn’t understand this, my lover doesn’t seem to understand this…..but i think subconsciously….it’s in their nature to desire that guy who is hopelessly in love with them. At least the guy they are attracted to. But if that guy does indeed fall for them, it’s also just a matter of time before they’re on to the next.

Knowledge is power. The application of knowledge is wisdom. No point in complaining about it. It is what it is. So in light of all of this my new motto is: Be cool, but stay frosty.

Another Step Unlocked

A good friend of mine told me that I should forgive STBXW. Not to get back with her, but because it it hurts me more to hold on to the hate. I’ve heard stuff like this a million times already and I though I somewhat believed it. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. When I thought about, i felt a slight sense of nausea in my stomach.

I decided to give it a try over the weekend. I thought about and purposefully ‘felt’ what I thought forgiveness should feel like. Then I thought about her as I was resting in the feeling of forgiveness. And let it marinate. It felt like free falling.

Besides the fact that my ego was/is hurt. I think I was afraid to forgive her because I feared that it might cause me to desire her again. I worked to hard to get over her and I dam sure didn’t want any setbacks. I suffered and clawed my way out of every inch of that quicksand and DO not want to lose any ground.

I decided to completely forgive her. I figured that I had swayed the pendulum from love to hate on purpose in order to emotionally disconnect. But now it is time to move it back towards a more central position. Why not. I radically tried in my mind and heart to feel as if it were forgiven. She did what she did (on purpose), but I forgive her.

I won’t pretend and say that I’m completely over it, but it did actually help a lot. I can look at her now. I don’t feel as if I desire to have her. It did bring me a surprising amount of peace. I think it’s helping me to accept things as they are. I believe that the “devil” may still have a few tricks left up his sleeve. But as of now, I plan on holding steadfast and hoping that I can continue to keep things cool. With this radical forgiveness, I realize that I’ll probably never receive a real apology….but that’s ok. She’ll probably continue to lie and gaslight if given the opportunity….but that’s ok. She’ll probably never understand the damage she did to my heart…..but that’s ok. She may even try some dirty tricks in the divorce/separation…..it’s OK. She still thinks she’s a good person…..ok whatever. It’s who she is. I cannot change it. As with pretty much any woman I don’t know or trust like that, I can’t put anything past her.

And the magical part is that I don’t have to walk around insecure or mistrustful because I don’t put any faith in her doing the ‘right’ thing by me. Not saying that she necessarily will do more evil, but if she does, then it’s not a surprise either. I don’t want to tempt God or the devil or whoever is actually running this trial by fire thing, but all I can do is hope that no matter what happens, I can hold on to my peace. …. in the center. No expectatations.

We’re still not all buddy buddy. I don’t go out of my way to talk to her. But when evil thoughts about how she treated me arise or thoughts of how could she do me like that pop up…..i simply get back to the idea and feeling of radical forgiveness. I think I truly did love her and if I did, part of that is the ability to forgive and move forward accordingly.

Forgiveness, to me though, is like…..if a mentally challenged person were to intentionally break something that was important to me…..even though I wouldn’t hold a grudge, I’d be sure to keep the replacement out of their hands or at the very least under close supervision. So with her. I let it go, she can’t fix it and really would only hinder my recovery if I leave anything up to her.

I think this brings me closer to that state of apathy I’m looking for.

Professional Victims

The Victim mindset of a lot black women is getting really annoying to me. Let’s be clear….this probably isn’t just a black women or women of color thing, but probably a western woman thing in general. I say black women because that’s who I mostly deal and converse with on these type of topics.

Ok, I get it….black women have historically had it rough and many still do. But the majority of them screaming the loudest are college educated, middle class, nice car driving, home owning, 401k having, passport traveling, never struggled for shit ass women.

These entitled queens like to scream that they are so oppressed and have it so bad…..yet boastful about how many stamps are on their passport. You’d think with so much traveling, they’d see the conditions of woman (and people) in other parts of the world and be grateful. They don’t have to struggle for food. They’re not living in times of pestilence nor famine. There aren’t maruaders of men roaming around plotting to kidnap or rape them (though I admit they should always be careful). They aren’t working in coal mines, sweat shops, or unsafe work conditions. They can make their own money. Noone is stopping them from opening their own businesses or being great in a career. In fact, you see the memes of black girl magic everywhere it seems. Here in Atlanta, you see black women doctors, lawyers, business owners, nurses, and pharmacists on every corner. Hell, even the last mayor was a black woman. The vice president is a black woman. Movies heralding the greatness of black women are all over the silver screen. Like gotdamn….are we living in an alternate universe?

I just don’t get it when they say black women “need protection.” Protection from who…..themselves? Their poor choices in men? Their rebellious attitudes, and sense of entitlement? Like bruh, it just burns me up when I see these mercadez c class driving, micheal kors toting, $200 weave wearing divas sitting around at fancy restaruant brunch talking about how bad they got it. Just who is oppressing them? They are one of the most protected classes of people in the U.S. You can’t say shit negative about black women as a whole on a public platform without getting canceled or having to apologize for it. Even if there is some truth in it. You say something they don’t like, they’re in your face ready to fight and noone can check them.

Then you have white knights and simps ready to beat anyone’s ass who isn’t singing praises about them and kissing their ass. They can literally punch a man in the face and spit on him and he better just sit there and take it. Otherwise the crowd (or someone in it) is ready to come to her defense.

You try to point out all of this obvious stuff to them and they still will tell you how they “feel” like noone listens to them. Like everyone else is just out to get them.

Like listen snowflake. It’s 2k22. Women are killing it these days. To be honest, the women in my life are hands down doing better than the men financially. Colleges and universities now have more women than men attending and that stat is just growing.

How in the fuck does it make sense that a lot of them complain about not being able to find a black man “on their level.” Yet they still so oppressed. We in middle class America live better lives than actual kings and queens back some 200 years ago. Yet these women still feel they ‘deserve’ more. Baby, you are a project manager making 140k a year in the u.s. and you’re not alone. Please tell me how does your life even begin to compare with the billions of people worldwide who worry about where their next meal is coming from. The billions of people who live in war torn countries…..Who don’t have clean running water. Who don’t have a healthcare or dental plan. Who actually have to go out with a man or pray that they don’t get snatched by some trafficker.

How are you so “cultured” and “educated”, yet still feel like you’re marginalized and minimized. The evidence of your ability to succeed is in that $80 knockoff Gucci bag.

The issue is that you can’t tell them shit…..u can present all of the evidence of their success. Objectively show how bad others have it in comparison to them. All they’ll do is talk about the ones who don’t have it as well…..and “feel” like since society is “oppressing” them, they must also be oppressed. As if men aren’t “oppressed” if we’re going to measure it by that standard. They know EVERYTHING and literally never consider the possibililty they could be wrong about anything. Instead of listening to what you’re actually saying, they listen to respond ….usually with some smart ass comment that doesn’t really address what was actually said. Yet this response is usually enough for them to still “feel” right.

I think this victim mindset in part causes the shitty attitudes many of them have. An ‘entitled’ person usually always finds something else to complain about and can never truly be happy. This could explain why so many are always complaining about shit that they don’t even experience. They’re never happy. Never grateful.

Ironically, this doubled with their lack of accountablity…..ie. baggage like trust issues and even more selfishness due to them dealing with terrible men that they chose….even though the red flags were slapping them in the face…. keeps them in perpetual state of victimization. The simple solution is to stop getting knocked up by men who you know aren’t relationship material. Though they won’t admit it, if he makes the panties wet….they act stupid and make stupid decisions. Then blame all men because they can’t control their lust.

Man, just stall me out with all the victim shit. Just saying.

That Witch

I heard something this morning that I never considered. As simple as it sounds, it never crossed my mind to think about things in these terms. Basically, STBXW dumped me. I mean, yeah, she attempted to monkey branch and is still out here swinging from dick to dick. Her cheating was likely an exit affair (as dishonorable as that is)….but it all boils down to, she dumped me. She just didn’t say it with her words.

Why this resonated with me is because, I’ve been all mopey and mad. I think I called it a betrayal. Now don’t me wrong, this was betrayal at it’s finest as she could have just told me she wasn’t feeling it, that she checked out, didn’t want to work on things, and was going to divorce me. But still though, I got dumped. It’s not like me to take rejection so badly.

Putting it in these terms kind of makes me feel pathetic that I took it so hard. I mean really, I honestly think that I was a good person to her…..but people get dumped all the time and there aren’t too many things more pathetic than a guy who got dumped who can’t get over it. A little sadness or even bitterness (depending on how she did it) is reasonable. But face it man, it’s not the worst thing in the world. I’m not one to fight for someone who doesn’t want me anyway. Sooo…. hey it is what it is.

It’s actually kind of hilarious now that I think about it. Saying she dumped me sounds way better than she cheated, betrayed, and left me. Unfortunately for me, I had to endure the humiliation of having to say that I was married to her while having to deal with the bullshit of her being dickmatized by a gotdamn dirtbag. But hey, chicks dig scars….I guess. I’m left with abandonment and trust issues, that’s little toxic I guess. But it seems as if chicks like a little toxicity in their men. All is well that ends well?

Moving on. It’s probably a good thing tho. I’ve discovered in this process that I was very simpish. I loved too hard and that is a recipe for disaster. I made her my world and that’s not how a man is supposed to love a woman. I was ‘in love’ with her as opposed to simply loving and adoring her. You can’t put all of your eggs in one basket like that and nobody is going to protect your heart more than you can. Perhaps it’s possible to O.D. on love. As the saying goes….all things in moderation. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that this includes your love for someone. Similar to drinking too much or taking too many drugs, it’s fun for a moment, but shit can go real south real fast. I didn’t know it at the time but I was junkie for her. Quitting cold turkey was / and sometimes still a bitch. Lesson learned.

Hopefully this newest revelation will be another milestone in my recovery. I thought I’ve gotten thru this so many times already. I won’t sit here and fool myself again. This has definitely been a journey and who knows when I can finally fully breathe again. But I’m getting better for sure.

Open Wounds

STBXW is supposed to be coming back for the weekend for kiddo’s birthday on Saturday. She decided to take a full time position in NYC (surprise surprise) despite my suggestion that she find a position in ATL so that we can both be close to kiddo. It’s his home, he was raised here, and we both have close family living here.

We’re closer to the divorce and she has offered to pay for a lawyer to help us file the noncontested. She wants kiddo to finish out the school year here and next year have him move up to NYC with her.

I still think it’s incredibly selfish objectively of her to split a family up like that. But based on some realistic advice I got from my sister……I have accept the fact that she has justified it in her mind and doesn’t see it as a big problem. I still don’t know if I’ll sign up for him moving up there like that. As much as I’d like to just do whatever to be done with all of this….kiddo is my responsibility and I just don’t think this would be good for him. One thing that really irks me is that her “simp” assed so called male “best friend”. Yeah, the one she cheated with…..had something similar happen to him when his daughter was 4 years old.

In his situation, his ex girlfriend/baby mama cheated on him with his good friend and ended up leaving him for him. According to him, “kids are resiliant” and will so our kid should get over this. It burns me up to think that she’s running with this advice. As if dude didn’t carry a flame for her. The fact that slept with her during our marriage burns me up and I can’t help but wonder if he’s responsible for helping gas her up with this mentality. Dude is so pathetic imo bcuz….despite wanting her for all these years….although she did cheat with him….she ended up in two other affair relationships with two or three other men after that. I can’t respect a man who pretends to be a friend…..pounces during weak moments and then is still there after she rejects him for someone else. Men like this are slimy, greasy, and tbh, I’d open hand slap the shit out of him because I don’t respect him AT ALL. He’s ok with being left over. If she got with him, I’d have no doubts that she’d cheat on him as well. His lack of self respect, dishonor in how he handles this, and overall pussy ways leads me having no respect for him. Though I can’t stand him, I couldn’t be surprised if she ends up with him in the end.

If she got with him, it would probably be the ONLY way I’d consider sticking my dick in her again. It would simply be out of revenge…..but then again, I don’t know if I’d even want to sink that low just to get back at a pussy like that. Besides, I’m sure someone else will do it for me. Maybe it would teach him to keep his nose out of other people’s marriages and to stop being such a grimy ass, slimy ass, bitch ass douchey cunt. Probably wouldn’t tho…. still, I just don’t respect males who are like that.

Despite not liking the woman she’s become (or always was….not sure on that yet)… and understanding that reconciliation is impossible at this point. I still haven’t reached the level of apathy I’d expect to have at this point. I’m unsure why. I’ve logically accepted the fact that SHE AIN’T IT. I made a mistake in choosing her. It’s not my fault that things got to this point between us. It is my responsibility to myself to get over it though.

Yet, I’m still in my feelings (albeit negative) about her. I’ve accepted that she is who she is. I understand through the conversations that we’ve had….that she isn’t wife material. Her ignorance, inability to understand the importance of family, and overall selfishness is just who she is. Even if she does manage to get with someone, the odds of her having more kids is very slim to none. She’s always had fertility issues which I believe is why we only had one. We were very fortunate to have had kiddo.

I always wanted 2 or maybe 3. But I did understand going in that it would be difficult. Given that she’s in her 40’s now…..I suppose that even if by some MIRACLE we somehow were able to fix things, more children would be off the table and this is another reason why it’s fortunate things worked out the way they did. Otherwise, my options would have been completely lost.

All that said….between her fertility issues, lack of morality, selfishness, sneakiness, and lack of common sense…. and the fact that those issues don’t have to be my problem anymore….. I’m still perplexed as to why I’m not more apathetic if not ecstatic over the fact that we are splitting. The best revenge is realizing who she really is…..and being happy that she’s not in my life like that anymore. Though I didn’t dodge the bullet so to speak, and it did hit some vital organs…..I am in recovery…. I did survive the ordeal. It’s still an open wound so to speak. And tbh, the wounds, though psychological…..it is all in my head. I’ve even learned a few things about what do better or what not to do. I do have the option for there to be a “next time” once I figure out exactly how to make that happen.

This goes to show how ‘falling in love’ really is an anathema. Despite there being mostly positives to gain by letting this go. Minus possibly losing a lot of access to kiddo. I can’t help but to feel a certain way about it all. Why should I care if she ‘moves’ on right now. It speaks way more to her lack of character than to what it says about me. She’s his problem and if a man is foolish enough to give her his heart right now…… he gets what he deserves. Or she gets what she deserves from a man like that. It may seem good for them in the beginning…..she can play the role well…..but i can’t help but to think that the more they get invested, the more gasoline they are pouring until eventually, it all gets burned up once a match is lit. Don’t know when it will happen, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. Personally, I don’t want to be in a position to know or care when or even if karma does finally catch up to her.

Ideally, I’d be so apathetic towards that situation and happy with my life that it’s no longer my concern. Even though I’ve intellectually figured this out for a few years now….. There are still times where she just irks me. I’m still looking forward to the day where I can see her and feel ….nothing….. not good not bad…. just 100% indifference.