Just Terrible

I’ve been thinking that I should have never married my wife.   Some people say that you should just look back and be thankful for the good times at the conclusion of a relationship.  It would have been so much easier to do if she acted….normal.

In an ideal world, we could have worked things out.   Second case scenario, we realized that it wasn’t working, we tried to fix things, and if not possible, we could have amicably split with at least a friendship in tact.

Unfortunately, selfish people tend to sabotage the underpinning foundation of friendship that usually start off at the beginning of a romantic relationship.    This has been the case.   As much as I would have liked to have been at least amicable, the psychological damage inflicted upon me is a lot to bear.   I don’t think our friendship can survive, let alone our marriage.

At this point, I do understand the nature of women (apparently a vary large majority act terribly and unfairly in relationships).   It’s a painful lesson that many men are experiencing.   Even though, now that I know what I’m dealing with… as in it’s her nature and there isn’t really much I can do about it….It’s so hard not to be angry, disappointed, hurt, and disgusted.

Up until this point, I’ve never had any real enemies.   Even my terrible ex’s haven’t been able to injure me like this.   How can someone be so cold, conniving, wicked, and yet unrepentant about it.   How does she sleep at night without feeling guilt over destroying something as beautiful as her own family.

Yet this is what I’m dealing with.   Arguments are coming more frequent and becoming more explosive.   She seems to think she can just bully me or talk to me any way.    This IDGAF attitude along with her coldness makes me know that she isn’t right for me.   And that’s cool.   I think I’d rather be single for a while anyway as I figure out if all women are like this, or if I just chose a bad apple.

This horrible attitude has me vexed.   I’m showing a lot of restraint and by no means will I put my hands on her.   But I wonder why some women provoke men who show restraint to the point where they consider it.   I’ve been in abusive relationships before and won’t strike a woman unless it’s out of self defense.

In a man’s world, we fight disrespect with our fists.  A disrespectful man who can’t defend himself is asking for an ass whooping.  In fact, it’s not uncommon for a man to say about another man that he needs his ass kicked.   I don’t condone violence against women, but some of these women get out of line because they haven’t been humbled.   They know that the consequences of men putting his hands on her is much much worse and they often take full advantage of the fact through disrespect.

It’s really sad that many men have to take emotional and verbal abuse and are powerless to do anything about it.   The guys who don’t show much restraint get more respect from her, but of course there are also men who abuse their power.  The law (nor society for the most part) tend to make the distinction.

Either way, I have to get out of this situation.   As I’ve written before, it hurts that I have to emotionally destroy my son in order to get this peace.   But I cannot tolerate the emotional abuse.   Our situation is set up in a way that we depend on each other to care for him.  He’s sure the carry the brunt of the dissolution of our home.   I hate the fact that she claims to love him, but yet be  ok with being the primary cause of the disharmony in our home.

I can’t love her anymore in light of all of this.   Not in that way.   So here I am, living with a woman, who is ignorantly selfish, admittedly emotionless, co dependant, flaky, amoral (at best), and at her worst, just a terrible person.   Yet she sees nothing wrong as she doesn’t know how she feels, doesn’t care to know, and uses her ‘unhappiness’ as an excuse to act in hurtful ways to others.  She has the nerve to call out bad behavior in others, she hides what she’s doing from others (through lies and deceit) so she knows she’s wrong for that.

I’m no saint.   I tried to walk the righteous path.   I’m hypocritical as I’ve deviated from the path of fidelity.    A man doing what he gotta do is really no excuse.   I’ve allowed her dysfunction to affect my choices when it comes to staying faithful in this ‘marriage’, so I no longer hold the high moral ground.    At least my justification, is that I tried.  I warned her.   I begged, I pleaded, I signed us up for counseling.   I wrote letters, I extended my hand, I tried forgiveness…..only to be hurt by her again and again.  I feel justified in that I feel that she pushed me out there.  It’s not right, but I did it for my own sake.  My own mental health.  I needed to stop feeling like I was nothing.

Whether I stepped out or not,  I’m still  left with no recourse but to do the ultimate.  Split our home…. Which unfortunately, my son is the innocent bystander in all of this.   Yet she still walks around, smiling, laughing, feeling ok with herself…I’m sure that her beauty and laid back disposition will entrap some sucker (as it did me).    We men can be fools when it comes to a pretty face at times.

I don’t care anymore.   I just need out.   I need to put this behind me.   Our anniversary is in 3 days.   I doubt she’ll mention it.  I certainly won’t.   Instead of looking back over the ‘great years’ we had, I’m looking back as if it were a prison sentence.   I just wanted to love her and raise a family, I tried to do the right thing, it wasn’t enough……I wanted to shield kiddo from this…..That’s the part that sucks the most.

Life’s bitch sometimes.



Girls just wanna have fun

It seems that wherever you look, there are tons of women out there just looking to ‘live their best lives’ and be thots.   I like thots and all.   But it seems that the balance between good women and thots is off.

I don’t think that women understand that the double standard between men and women when it comes to certain behavior is there for a reason.   While they may think that it’s ‘unfair’, it is what it is.   Noone wants to ‘wife’ or be romantically associated with the thotty or party girl.

While women think that the life of the party or player guy is attractive, men are generally repulsed by the female counterpart.   At least in the sense of not wanting to consider her for relationship material.   In our minds, once a ho, always a ho.   We don’t try to change them.

If a man goes to a party and dances or grinds on every female in there, it seems to activate their competitive nature.   Being attention seekers, they want to monopolize his time.   Men on the other hand, sees a women out there allowing men to grind on them see her as a sexual object alone.   It’s embarrassing to be associated, at least in a romantic sense with her after everyone just witnessed her wilding out like that.

Typically men prefer, good women.   A more conservative/moderate woman is wifey material where as the party girl is just there for entertainment.   Who wants to be the guy who’s girl got effed up at a party and got a train run on her in the restroom?

A man with a ‘reputation’ as a ladies man doesn’t seem to have nearly as much impact on him being chosen as a woman with a reputation as a thot.    Perception is everything, so even if she isn’t actually having sex with these guys, if she is perceived to be a ho, then she automatically puts herself in the fwb or Netflix and chill only category.  Her education or accomplishments mean nothing.

Once her reputation gets out, she’s pretty much toast.   Unless a man is desperate, doesn’t care about his own reputation, or makes the mistake of falling in love before he knows, relationship status is off limits.

Yet it seems that a lot of women don’t get this.    They continue to go out in thot attire, hook up with different men, and wonder why the men that choose them prefer to keep them a secret or won’t commit.    As been stated a million times, men want a LADY in the STREETS, but a freak in the bed.

The tendency of men to want a woman who is, at least on a surface level, conservative, makes dating tricky for women today.   Society teaches them to date several men at once and choose between the best suitors.   Me and most men that I know aren’t really interested in women who date several men at a time.   At least when it comes to wifey material.

Seriously, who wants to make love to a woman who just had sex with a man two days / a week ago.   Now there are some  men who just don’t give a fuck.   I’d say that those men either have no self respect OR they don’t really respect her.  Depending on what sexual acts they are willing to do to her or what they are willing to do to get it tells the difference.

If he doesn’t respect himself, he doesn’t mind kissing her or eating her out.   If on the other hand, he doesn’t respect her, he’ll only have sex and depending on how much he values his safety, with a condom only.

Making love to a thot or even a woman dating several men at the same time is sort of like making love to a prostitute.   The purpose of screwing a prostitute is simply to get his rocks off.   Her pleasure isn’t really a consideration….and why should it be anything else for any self respecting man.

Wifey is for intimacy and love making, thots and prostitutes are for sex only.  I think that women know this and it’s why many hide their promiscuity from potential ‘boyfriend’ material.   With thot culture in full effect today, it is advisable for most men to take a much precautions as possible when it comes to dealing with women.    Protect your dicks and your hearts gentlemen.   The last thing you want to do is fall for a thot.

Men with the tendency to see the best in people are especially cautioned out here.   My biggest fear is to fall in love with a thot.   I tread with caution, but because I have a tendency to connect with people, I know I have to be careful if I’m dealing with a woman for an extended amount of time.   I’ve been burned in the past by this by ignoring red flags until it was too late.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt never worked out too well for me.   My problem was that I wanted to treat each one on a case by case basis.   In retrospect, the red flags were there and I ended up sick to my stomach once the dust settled enough to actually see what was going on.

In a sense, I felt violated.   But truth be told, I could blame no one but myself.    Can you imagine how it would feel to kiss a prostitute in the mouth knowing that she’s been out working all day.    I’m about to throw up just thinking about it.

I’m not gay nor bi sexual so sucking peen (even by proxy) makes me sick to my stomach.    I know that pretty much all women have sucked peen before and I don’t know what the statue of limitation is between sucks, but I do know that if she did after I got with her is enough to make me wanna call it quits, at least with the intimacy part.

Sex isn’t really hard to find, but intimacy is….at least for me anyway.   Perhaps it’s why I fall hard when I do find it.  Unfortunately, for me anyway, I mistakenly gave intimacy to people I shouldn’t have, trying to give them a chance because of a connection.

So attraction is one thing.   Chemistry and connection is another, though not necessarily mutually exclusive.   Unfortunately, neither of those are indicators of whether she’s a thot or not.   This is why you cannot ignore red flags else you end up falling for her and heart broken and disgusted.   In the end, you can’t blame anyone but yourself.

MGTOW monk mode is probably the best way for me.   Even though I’ve overcome the falling because of attraction part a long time ago, being able to handle the connection part still seems to elude me.  Because the thirst for intimacy is so real and the connection part is so rare, when I find it, it’s hard to let go and easy to ignore the red flags until it’s too late.

As much as I dislike narcissistic and emotionally unavailable people, I do admire their ability to control their emotions and attract good hearted people.  I wonder if there is a way to use their tactics of using people without being so damn dirty about it.

Either way, I’m learning to love myself more so instead of looking for intimacy and connection, I think the focus should just be on sex only.  Girls just wanna have fun and why bring intimacy into it. Here’s to 2020.





Addicted to love

I’m struggling here trying to figure out why there is such an intrinsic desire to want to have a woman in my life.   I know that the juice from relationships isn’t worth the squeeze.   I know that falling in love and actually loving someone are two different things.   I definetely believe that being ‘in love’ with someone is similar to a bad drug habit.

Having somewhat liberated myself from that condition, I find myself fighting the urge to want it.   I’d rather have someone in love with me as I choose to love them.   Perhaps I’m damaged, but honestly, I don’t want the feeling of ‘ownership’ that goes along with being in love with someone.

People are people and people make shitty decisions.   There is no such thing as unconditional love in a romantic context.   Or at least, it doesn’t last forever.   I’ve been thinking that perhaps, at least for me anyway, it’s hard to handle it.   I don’t like not being in control of my emotions in that sense.

Here you are, living your life, minding your business and then out of nowhere, boom, you meet someone, vibe, have a great time, have great sex, share intimate moments and the next thing you know, you put expectations on them that they may not be able to live up to.

After being burned by love, you know that honeymoon love is just a phase.   You know that this will most likely end badly with you being devastated by their loss or betrayal.   You know that way more often than not, it just won’t work.   Yet and still, something, in you desire those good feelings.   Even if you know it’s artificial and fleeting.

I think I am a love addict.   I love making love to and making a woman feel good.   I love to care for her and help her ‘heal’ her past wounds.   I want to be the guy who can show her that not all men are selfish, narcisistic bastards out for only one thing.   Yet I know that this  part of me has to die.   It’s not attractive and it will be the cause of the downfall of the relationship.   I can’t hide not caring but for so long.

In short, I guess that I  am, as they call it, a nice guy.   A beta male when it comes to this dating thing.  A poser who uses red pill knowledge to hide the fact that I do indeed like romance and intimacy.

It’s truly not my nature to be a cold player.   Yet for some reason, it’s what they like.   I’ll always be at a disadvantage in the love game.  My redpill knowledge is the only thing that keeps me from jumping off the cliff of giving my heart over to someone again.  It saved my life and is effective in getting and maintaining attraction.  It helps me manage my expectations to realize that she’s never mine, it’s just my turn.   I can’t understate how much I wish I had this knowledge before.

Bliss is being drunk off of  ignorance.  Fun times tonight, but helluva hangover the next day.  Drugs are fun until it’s time to quit.  Rahab ain’t no joke from what I hear.

The dark side of me requires trust and fidelity.   I can’t expect that nor be surprised if I don’t get it.   Especially given that I don’t have what it takes to get it long term.   So in essence, whenever I involve myself in situationships, I am playing with fire.

I don’t know why I care or require this.   This is why I must have more than one woman at a time.   Hopefully it can curb this desire and tendency that I have to get ‘one itis’ with someone I deal with for too long.  How do I learn to overcome that desire to be honest and real about not trusting her without sounding bitter or scorned.   Why must I hold myself to a higher standard morally than I hold her.   How can I overcame that.    Until that happens, I must keep fighting the good fight as I realize that she’s never mine, it’s just my turn.

As of now, I don’t have time to deal with more than one at a time.   I either need to make time, which is stupid, as I should be out making money and securing my future.   Or let it all go for now.

In reality, I’m like a junkie who got clean.  I have to treat this condition as someone was and still is an addict.  And avoid being in situations where there is the opportunity to relapse.




What’s missing

There is something quite special about holding a woman in your arms and feeling…. At least for that moment….That you mean something to her…. The ability to lose yourself while making love and the feeling of satisfaction when giving her pleasure is amazing.   It’s a mix of ego based pleasure mixed with a bit of vulnerability that feels good to the spirit.

I can see why young people fall so hard.   It’s a high like no other.   Yet, the mind sobering reality is that, no matter how good you think you are, there was and probably always will be someone better.   No matter how good or pleasurable it was, it was…

Just a fleeting moment.   A vacation of sorts.

Honeymoon phased love near the top of anything you can experience in life.  It’s a powerful drug.  It inspires creativity, it gives you hope, it makes life feel….worth it.   But the sobering truth is that it doesn’t last forever.   We often hold on to bad or even toxic relationships just to feel that spark of energy.

Should we indulge and cheat on an S/O with someone and catch that “in love” bug, it brings out the worst in us.  We’ll lie, abuse, and go back on our promises just for another taste.  We unrightfully judge our s/o.   We do things we absolutely abhor in others.

It’s really hard to know this and stay angry at my wife.   She probably thought the honeymoon phase was going to last forever between us.   I didn’t anticipate it falling off the way that it did if I’m honest.    Looking back, we should have both relied on better communication instead of thinking that “love” was enough.  So instead of looking upon her with contempt.  If the love I  had for her was ever true, I have to forgive her.   (Staying with her/trusting her again is an entirely different thing.)  There is a level of self reflection necessary that she doesn’t seem to possess to make that a tenable bet.  So while I can love a typical unreflective woman, I have to learn to love at a distance.  Not ideal in the context of a marriage….for me at least.

In the case of being single, we’ll stick with someone we know isn’t good for us.  We’ll overlook red flags.   And if we fully undulge, we’ll give our hearts and souls to a person who we barely even know.   The ‘love’ we feel in that moment sometimes makes us indulge in thoughts of (and ocassionally act) upon making a love child.   We make stupid promises….And we justify it by saying that it’s for love…at least in the moment.

How many out of wedlock kids or even marriages were made during this phase of relationships.   It has often bothered me how two people could love each other so much in the beginning and end up hating/hurting each other a few years later.

Though I am fully aware of the powerful effects of this drug, I can somewhat be affected by it.    I knew that ultimately, I’d have to stop dealing with my lover some day. I’m not into long term relationship promises.   Been there, done that.   I know that initial attraction and chemistry severely clouds our judgement.  We all think that what we have is ‘special’ enough to overcome life.

But in real life, that ‘high’ in the beginning bites you like a wicked hangover in the morning.    I’m somewhat hungover.  It sucks, but oddly enough, it’s also helpful in helping me get through the difficulty in my current situation.   I don’t focus on it nearly as much.  The bullshit doesn’t really hit as acutely as before.    Everything for a reason I suppose.

But i still have to wonder….why I still crave “love”?   Why do I feel the need or desire to replace what I missed with my lover?   Sex is great and all, but TBH, I could handle it myself….if you know what i mean.   What is with the need for validation from the opposite sex?

If relationships aren’t worth the effort.  They bring too many complications and the “love” most likely isn’t real or won’t last.  I could do without them.  There’s always the likliehood of things going sideways.    Then why do I still hope to find that ‘right’ woman for me?   When I know that there is no “right” one anyway.

Why is the urge to have sex so damned important?   I’m by nature a loner.  I barely communicate with people outside of my circle.   And those who are in it, might get a call once or twice a week.  Yet and still, I’m missing her.  Not acutely.  This isn’t a wicked hangover.  But is enough that I wish I hadn’t had that last drink.  Actually naah, it was totally worth it.

Even as I go out today, there is still a part of me searching/scanning for a woman.  Almost each decent one has the potential to be “the one.”   But in reality, I know it doesn’t exist.  The idea of going MGTOW monk is appealing in so many ways, but for some reason, I can’t see myself choosing not to deal with a woman I’m interested in if I’m attracted to her.

Maybe I don’t love myself enough.   Maybe their validation somehow makes me feel better as a person.   The reality is that I don’t need this shit.  I think I’ll just focus on me for now.  At least until I can figure this out….

Or maybe, with time, and experiencing honeymoon love enough, I can get over it hangover free like how I’m pretty much consumed enough alcohol to no longer feel the effects the next day.







No harm no foul

Redpill awareness saved me.   This weekend, me and my ‘friend’ went out and she suddenly started acting….differently.   The night started as usual, but halfway through, she started acting irrationally, started an argument over something trivial and was distant for the rest of the evening.

I knew that the argument wasn’t about the specific thing (it wasn’t that serious), but something deeper was at hand.   We haven’t spoken in the past few days and I realize that she needs space to sort out whatever the hell she’s going through.

In the past, I would have chased, pressed her to find the real reason, and tried to make a case.   Wisdom has taught me that chasing would be the worst thing to do.  Trying to fix things isn’t always the best course of action.   Either she wants to deal with me or not.   Maybe she is fed up.  Maybe she wants to explore other options which is fair.   Maybe she’s stressed about something else.  Or maybe she needs space.   Maybe God intervened and was like “damn dude enough is enough.”  I’m still technically married after all.

TBH, I hope the best for her.   I miss her like crazy and it’s taking a lot to not text her to check on her.   But for me, I’m done with pursuing or trying to fix those type of relationships. She can deal with me if she wants on her own time.

I’m not really as hurt as much as I thought I would be.   I’m happy for that.  My ego isn’t hurt.  I’m not mad at the fact that she started a fake argument to dismiss me.   I am aware of women’s nature and it’s just what they do.   Foul, yes, (huge red flag), but i wasn’t harmed as I’m not ignorant to how this works now.

Maybe I’m growing.   While she is amazing in many ways, I knew that it couldn’t last forever.   Perhaps understanding this ‘relationship’ was like a vacation, I realized that sooner or later, the trip would be over.  While I don’t think that we’ll never speak again.  It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we didn’t.   No hard feelings.    I’m thinking that this is how future relationships should be.   It’s better to be friends, even if the ‘benefits’ fall away.


How Hypergamy is hurting Society

Hypergamy is the idea that women are naturally attracted to “higher value” males.   It is the belief that women should marry men who are of the highest quality.   Or at the very least, on their financial level.

While low level, this is reasonable in the sense that a man should bring something to the table.  It is also a cause of much of the frustration on the dating market.   In Atlanta GA, especially in the black community, women seem to make more money than men as a whole.   I’m not sure who they’re polling when they say that women make $.75 to every dollar that men make.   But it certainly can’t apply here.

Perhaps the context would be that we make more money for doing the same job.   But this subtext is very important.   Most of the women that I know make more money than the men do.   In many cases, it’s not even close.   They also tend to be more educated.    We’re comparing white collar to blue collar here.

For some reason, women tend to excel in academia and men tend to fall by the wayside.    These women are are getting post graduate degrees by the droves and generally, their paychecks reflect it.    They seem to thrive better in corporate environments.   I’ve also heard that this phenomena seems to be becoming the standard in other urban western areas in the world.

For this reason, men on the same financial level tend to get fewer and fewer as they climb the socioeconomic ladder.    This causes a lot of dissastisfaction as it gets harder to find potential mates on their level.

Many women have no choice but to date down so to speak.   Unfortunately, many feel dissatisfied as they go to the office and see the men that are there (often married or play boys or both) making the same or more money than them.

Add this to the fact women tend to make bad choices in men already, you have recipe for disaster.  Let me briefly digress for a moment to explain. They generally fall head over heels for men who carry narcisstic characteristics.   In short, men who are all about themselves.   Perhaps it’s their confidence and sense of entitlement.  As with most narc’s they can be pretty charming.  I get it.   But after getting predictably (by me anyway) burned by these men over and over again, they come to the conclusion that all men ain’t ish.

This causes women to misunderstand what it means to “know their worth”. Along with PUA’s and many red pillers saying that women should practice hypergamy as it is their nature, many men no longer want to engage seriously with these women outside of recreation.

Hypergamy is a problem for two reasons.   Given the gains of women in today’s workforce, it’s going to be increasingly more difficult to find an equally financially ‘yoked’ man.

Secondly, if women are encouraged to act upon this ‘natural’ instinct to mate with the ‘best’ male they can, should they be mad if men act upon our ‘natural’ instinct to mate with as many women as possible?   Sure, many men, especially Narcs do this, but it’s still not a good thing.

One thing we must do, as both sexes, understand that the complexity of society requires us to somehow curb our natural instincts in order to maintain some level of order.   It appears that society has evolved more quickly than our natural instincts and we must figure out how to evolve with it.

I’m all for women’s rights in theory.   But the landscape is making it harder and harder to find happiness when it comes to relationships.  Perhaps this is one reason there is so much frustration in the dating market today.




Breaking the Curse

I promise you that falling in love feels like a curse.   An evil, wicked, sinister curse.   It sort of reminds me of those heroin or alcohol addict stories where quitting cold turkey is a soul shaking, life threatening,  horrible experience.

People who do drugs often know they are doing bad, but either justify, ignore, or just give up on themselves.   People in toxic relationships often do the same things and it’s only until the person who abuses them leaves that they can finally begin to recover.   Depending on the situation, they can often come back and cause a relapse.

Heartbreak can last a long time….years I’ve heard.   It changes you as a person.  I don’t think you can ever love like that again.   That’s possibly a good thing.   Nothing that’s that good for you should feel so bad when you have to go without it.

Withdrawals feel like shit.   Even though you know that person is no (longer) good for you, you may not even like them that much anymore, yet it’s like a part of you is missing.  Something wants you to inject that needle in your arm again even though you know that it almost destroyed your life.   At least in the beginning.  You hope and wish for that person back on a weird level even though you know deep down that things can never be the same.

It’s a journey man.  I tell you.  Having to deal with that person through co-parenting somewhat causes the wound to take longer to heal.   It’s harder knowing that they have no clue how much it hurt you….they don’t care.   They’re over it.   Checked out.  Yet knowing that, there is still a part of you, deep down that still hurts.  Late life abandonment issues?

I’m at a point with my wife that I don’t care if she ever has to feel this pain.  I just don’t want to feel it anymore.   I’m moving on for sure, but at the same time, I still feel insignificant, maybe a bit hurt that she doesn’t give a fuck.   I know she isn’t good for me.  Not just for what she did or how she did it.   But we’re fundamentally different.   Our outlooks on life, the way we interpret the world, and the things we like and dislike are so different now.   We barely have anything in common.  The chemistry is so off that I don’t know how we ever got together in the first place.

Yet, I find myself getting angry at her.  For putting me through this, us through this, and being so indifferent about it.   I know that I can’t expect much, she checked out, and while I know it, I still get anxiety over it.  Maybe it wasn’t her intention when we started, but it’s where we are now.

Perhaps it’s like a recovering addict realizing how much he fucked up due to his addiction to the drug.   I’d imagine they’d have a healthy fear and possibly some hatred for it once he’s recovered.    I can’t just walk around hating people though.   She’s my son’s mother and i won’t allow it to get to that point.   I have to love her (even if i don’t really like her), just at a distance.  Finding that distance is the tricky part.

I can’t be mad at her because of how it affected me.   It’s like a crack addict being mad at crack.    I can’t be mad at myself because I truly didn’t know that you can’t give a woman your all.  I learned this lesson the hard way.     I just have to find the space to heal and not let my ego get the best of me now.

Who knows, maybe in another instance, I could have been her.  But, It’s hard not to judge when you feel like the one who was wronged.

Sure, we’re still married, but if she cheats, so be it.   Until I figure out how to get out of this situation that I put myself back into, it’s all on me.    Noone is going to rescue me.  I have to save myself.

I tell myself that she’s disrespecting me if she goes out and cheat.   I have to stop doing that.   It isn’t like I dont’ know who I’m dealing with now.    Besides, at this point, I’ve taken the low road myself.    It takes two to make a marriage work,  one (with the help of God himself) may be able to recover it.   But if neither is working, then it is impossible.

We’re wasting each other’s time.   Going with the motions.   I don’t love her enough to want to save it.    My pride and ego just won’t let me overlook the bad.   The pain and fear that comes along with hope is too much for me right now.   She’s not happy here, but like me, neither will get the ball rolling on this.   There is too much emotion involved when it comes to kiddo.   So much work to have to get lawyers and courts involved.

I know her, she likes to procrastinate until the last minute.  I do too.   But i don’t have the luxury of just waiting this out.   My emotional well being is at stake.  I’m already so jaded on love and relationships in general.   I don’t know if this is normal.

Melodramatic, for sure.   But it shows how falling in love that deep can’t be a good thing.   Her betrayal wouldn’t have affected me so deeply if I didn’t love her so much.   Perhaps I could have more easily forgiven if she hadn’t been so close to my heart.

This thing I had….being in love.   Wasn’t love at all.  Couldn’t have been.   If so count me out.    I was enchanted.   I was in a spell.  Possessed.   That’s too much pressure to put on anyone.      I’ve awakened.    Now to get this ego thing aside, figure out how to get out, and move on with my life.




Unexpected Karma

I know you’re supposed to always take the ‘high’ road when dealing with people who screw you over.   But never in a million years did I expect to feel guilt over cheating.   All of a sudden, it appears that my wife is actually showing signs of being remorseful.   This whole time (as far as I can tell), she never suspected that I was seeing someone else.

How she couldn’t expect it…..is beyond me.  I mean we haven’t had sex in almost a year.   She rejected me (or took a “rain check”) every time i tried, so I pretty much gave up.  After cheating and the affair, and still telling me she’s on the fence about whether she wants to stay married.  I assumed it was over for her.  She never mentioned or said anything, so I assume she doesn’t suspect a thing.   She’s starting to open up more and talk about what happened.  How she feels bad that she hurt me so bad and how I didn’t deserve that.   She even seems to finally understand the gravity of the betrayal.  I also think things have ‘cooled’ off with her male ‘friend’ (at least for now).  It would appear that she understands that not having boundaries of outside friends can affect the marriage.

Even though sex isn’t on the table, she does seem to acknowledge that she knows it isn’t right.   A few months ago, I asked how she would feel if I had sex with someone else, she said, “As long as I didn’t find out about it….”    I asked again a week or two ago and she now says….”I wouldn’t want you to.”.  She also started to show me a little affection, like hugs, and she even kissed me on the back of my neck once while playing the game.

I’m on the fence about how deeply my lover really loves me.   I think she likes me.  I think she likes the sexual connection that we have.   I think she likes to entertain the possibility of someday hooking up.   But I also think that I’m a stand in guy until she finds someone better suited for her (or maybe that’s that unworthy demon creeping up in me again).   I also think she’s on the fence about whether she will find that person or not.   She’s a bit jaded, but hopeful it seems when it comes to love.  Obviously we have that in common also.

I do believe that if I were to pursue relationship status harder, she would consider it….if i were to leave my wife.   I could make her promises that I’m not sure I could keep to give her a deeper sense of security.    I was honest about the way I felt about my wife.   I was pretty sure it was over with her, but we were both unsure on how to move forward given our son.  I never anticipated that she would come back around.  And while I know that this could be a temporary thing,  I’m still on the fence about whether I can trust her or not.

I have a sense of guilt because I did badger her about the stuff she did, but now, here I am doing the same thing.   Fortunately, I don’t to have to lie and gaslight as she hasn’t questioned me as of yet.

The ‘rightest’ thing to do would be to let my lover go, forgive my wife, take a chance, and while this sliver of opportunity is here, see if we can fix things.   It’s never been about me or me wanting her, but our family….if that makes sense.

The second place would be to divorce and try to fix the broken pieces.

Later, I could try to see if me and my lover could actually work things out.    The thing is that I’m not sure if she really love me like that or if I’m ready to willfully give  my heart to anyone.   Once bitten, twice shy they say….I agree.

Or I could just wait it out.

I mean she fucked up….royally.  That level of fuckeduptedness is surely a character flaw.    I mean, at that level, how can really trust that she won’t do it again.  Plus, she already  acknowledged that the shit she did was fucked up as she was doing it.  Who’s to say that she won’t go back to “I don’t give a fuck”  mode as soon as someone sparks her interest.

Her acting right finally would require that I tell my lover.   If i wanted to maintain some sense of morality.   If i tell her, then she’d probably want to end things as I’m sure she’s considered it since I am after all, still married.   I’m sure she has closed off some access to her heart (as I would too) because of the possibility.

I really don’t think that ‘acting’ right in this short term is enough to warrant trust though.    Definitely not in the scope of getting emotionally reinvested.

Coming clean in light of the recent revelations with both parties is a close 3rd option.   Obviously the fallout wouldn’t be fun.    I could risk closing off my wife and losing my lover in the process.   I would be stuck in the house, once again, feeling disrespected AND have no outlet to escape.

Or maybe they’d both understand and decide to meet each other and have a 3 some over wine and dinner.  We’d love it so much that we’d just be one big happy family.   A man can fantasize …right?

In reality, I have to acknowledge the fact that being on the fence for so long (while honest) isn’t the mindset you can have while in a marriage.    The questions are, does she really see the value in it.   Is it a temporary thing.   Could my lover ever really love me (post honeymoon phase)?   Do i really want to be in a serious relationship to begin with?  Am i ready?

Why can’t this shit ever be simple.













Life after the Red Pill

I spoke to my sister this weekend and she kindly advised me that I have become toxic when it comes to women.   She said that I shouldn’t allow my marriage experience to paint an entire group of women.   And that one of her best male friends (friendzoned) says that he used to also have a negative view of women.   She advised that I talk to him about it.

It’s not that I’m bitter, it’s just that now I understand the nature.   Just like any brand new convert, I’m trying to spread the gospel.   I went through the red pill rage and now I’m out on the other side.  I just accept their nature for what it is.  The bottom line is that attraction (not just physical) is love for them…. and most are about as powerless to resist it as most men are to resist nsa pussy from a decent looking or better woman.

But maybe it’s not what i think.   Maybe I am wrong.   Maybe the fact is, my wife just wasn’t right for me.   Perhaps all of this is a manifestation of trying to fit two people together who simply don’t belong.   I needed to know my worth.

I’m not ready to accept the fact that all women are like her.   Sure, she’s cool on a certain level.  But having an affair for whatever damn reason she’s not telling me or doesn’t know, betrayal and humiliation for the sake of sexual gratification for the affair partner, and general emotional abuse can’t be the norm.    The lack of boundaries and respect for the marriage, stonewalling, and lack of respect for a person who never did her wrong (at least i wasn’t told of anything) can’t be how all women operate.

If anything, she would have told me what was wrong, divorced me, or at the very least drew the line at disrespect during the affair.    A decent person would have seen the value of our family, valued me as a present father and dad to our child, and acknowledged that (even though she may have fallen out of love), that I didn’t deserve to be humiliated and made fun of by him.   You’d think that she would have seen this as a huge red flag to stop messing with him immediately.   If not to get back with me, but for her own sake.   For the fact that he disrespected her son’s father and a person who was good to her.

The fact that she was willing and capable of going so low makes me realize that something isn’t right with her.   I could never see myself going that low with someone who I knew treated me well….loved, cherished and respected me.   Even if I fell out of love with her.   I’d still have enough love for her that I couldn’t shit on her like that….especially given that I would be dead wrong for having an affair in the first place, hurting her so deeply, and not giving her  the chance to address any issues that I might have had with her in order to keep our son from experiencing the pain of divorcing parents.

I have to admit that I just chose the wrong partner.   It’s unfair to take the blame out on all women for my mistake.    I shouldn’t be too hard on myself either because if I’m honest, despite being hurt to the core, I reacted the best way I knew how.

I did a pretty decent job of stating my boundaries,  kept a cooler head in the face of disrespect as not to create toxic memories for our son, and kept the lines of communication open.    I didn’t physically put my hands on her despite the blatant disrespect and repeated warnings to stop it.   I didn’t kill the dude after finding out about how he directed her to do things/ and not do things to me for him.   How they laughed about it later….. thank God he doesn’t live nearby.

And to be honest, I know i would have left her a long time ago, but I hung in there for the sake of not wanting to hurt kiddo.

It took all of that to say that I was in denial about the type of person she is.   But she is who she is and I cannot hate her for it.   But i can’t stay with her.   She still hasn’t changed.  She sees no reason to and I can’t make her.   She’s still selfish.   We both know what she put me through and despite that, she still keeps the lock on her cell phone.   And also given that sex and intimacy is off the table, there is really no reason to put myself through all of this.

My expectations of her are so low that I can and should not be in a relationship with her.   Let alone a marriage.

I’m not sure if she’s dealing with anyone right now or not, but the fact that she was able to stoop so low makes me realize that it’s in her to do such things.   I can’t compete.   She’ll always have the ‘upper hand’ as she’s willing to go places that I can’t.   The fact that she could still feel entitled to that degree of privacy, have the audacity to say that she’s on the fence about fixing things, and still be more focused on what she wants regardless of how it affects me, lets me know that she hasn’t changed much.

I’ve painted this picture of her to say that all women can’t be that bad.   I’m sure that many are.   But it’s stupid to lump them all into the same category.   What works for some, won’t work for others.    The best thing to do is be myself and see where it goes from there.

The red pill has helped me learn a lot about what to look for in women.   It helped shaped and put into perspective other things that would help me find a quality person when I’m ready.   I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love as deeply again, but I don’t desire to either.   For now I have to lay off all of this toxic/evil woman stereotypes and continue in the process of healing.

Willfully showing love is greater than feeling in love all day every day in my book.   You retain your power to walk away and can maintain a sense of dignity without desperation should things  go left.

Perhaps this gift is the best thing I can give my wife.   I have to love myself enough to walk away, divorce her so that I won’t feel disrespected when she does go back to her regular ways, and accept that she is who she is.  Just not right for me.





WTF man!!!

About 4 years after the affair, the wife is starting to show signs that she wants to try and work on things.

Really!!? After I’ve finally embraced the idea of being single and somewhat benefiting off the fact.

I’m at the point where I really don’t want a relationship with anyone….at least in title.   I prefer the setup of fwb with no strings.   Sure, there is a connection, but at least if she decides to exercise her right, it won’t feel as disrespectful.

It’s weird because while I’m not sure if my friend is faithful in her fidelity, I believe her even though I know it could change any day.   Yeah, I’d probably be a little hurt.   Hopefully just a little.

I also felt justified in stepping out on my wife given the affair, subsequent betrayals, lack of transparency after the affair, being on the fence about whether she wanted to stay together,  lack of sex, and lack of boundaries around her male ‘friend’ she slept with earlier in our marriage.

I get it.  I know that two wrongs don’t make a right, but I was losing my freaking mind and my lover helped me regain a sense of esteem.  She acted as a counselor of sorts.    The sex also happened to be incredible.   She also submitted in a way that my wife never did….insofar as being more of a giver.   She helped me heal in a way that I’ll always appreciate.   Despite this, I know that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

She also has a few red flags, but given I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, those things aren’t really relevant.

I honestly never thought we would have still been kicking it for this long.   I figured it was a one or two time thing, but time flies when you’re having fun.   I’m thinking that the main reason for this is the fact that we both knew it could end any time so we didn’t put any expectations on one another.

That said, I’ve always felt a sense of duty to my family.   More specifically, my son.  The wife and are still together primarily because we didn’t want to hurt him.   That’s true for both of us.

Now the wife is showing interest again….even offering sex.  She wants another child.   She’s not tethered to the phone as she once was.  If i glance over at her while she’s texting, she’ll offer to show me what she’s looking at.  She doesn’t hold the phone at weird angles when I’m around.   I don’t have suspicions anything is going on anymore.   She seems more open and engaged in a way that she hasn’t been in years.

It’s what i would have hoped for about a year ago.   After the ‘end’? of her affair. Before I met my lover.   Before I undertook the arduous task of emotionally disconnecting from her.

While I can look back and say that I forgive her.   I don’t know if I can trust that if someone else comes into the picture that she won’t act upon the temptation.   Obviously counseling is needed.   But as it stands now, she seems to be open to working on things and trying to fix them.  Maybe it’s due to the fact that she can feel me finally pulling away.  Maybe it’s because noone else is on her radar right now.   Or maybe she finally sees value in having a family.  I can’t be sure.

If I’m honest, I don’t know if I really want sex with her.   Unfortunately, I think it’s in part due to the fact that I’d feel obligated to tell my lover.   While I’m not sure that she would tell me (even though she promised she would) if she did, I do like the fact that she seems pretty transparent.  There is peace in my gut when I think of the possibility….even though my heart tells me that it’s possible that she’s lying.    This is probably due to the fact that I don’t lay claim to her as her man.   Even though we don’t owe each other anything, I don’t want to hurt her as she’s shown me a lot of love over the last year.  I don’t want to lie to her as that would be a douchey thing to do.   Sometimes I wonder if I’m really “man”  or “alpha” enough for relationships insofar as I consider women’s feelings too much.

It sounds good on paper, but in reality, considering them too much seems to cause them to gain trust but lose attraction.

The other part is that I’m hesitant to emotionally re engage with the wife due to the lack of trust.   How can the sex even be good if I’m not passionate about her?   I know it sounds lame, but it would be hard to give up passionate lovemaking for just sex.   Then again, that only lasts for a season or two.

So as it stands, I don’t think I’m ready for a full blown relationship with a woman period…   I don’t trust that they won’t cheat.   I won’t give them the opportunity to do so by claiming relationship status.  While it might be hurt, at least I won’t feel disrespected.

At the moment, both of them make way more money than me so I can’t provide a lifestyle change that would make them think twice about not doing it.   If  I was rich right now, I’d probably just have both.  I’d be Akon status having multiple wives.

I know it’s a fucked up thought, but if i do have sex with the wife, tell her about it, and it hurts her, but she still stays, it would show me that she truly does love me.   Well at least convince me more.  Especially given that the money hasn’t manifested yet.

TBH, i really don’t want to hurt her.   Even if she is doing her thing out there, she doesn’t owe me fidelity.   Plus, she’s shown me so much love that it would be hard to see her in pain that I caused.   It would hurt to lose her, but hurt more to know that I hurt her.

I wish i could have them both and take care of them both.   One for my son’s sake and the other for her sake.   I’m not sure if my wife really loves me like that or would really care to see me leave.  At the very least, I wish I could compensate my lover in a more tangible way.   She really deserves it in my opinion.

When I was younger, before I met my wife, I never wanted marriage.  I told myself that I’d have two or three cool baby mamas.   When I got married I started thinking that was rediculous.

I love women, but I just don’t trust them.    I’m back at 360.