Why Christians Shouldn’t Debate Atheists

I’ve been a longtime viewer of the Atheist Experience channel on youtube.   It’s a show where Theists call in and try to prove God to Atheists.  Theists usually get their asses handed to them.    I’ve heard all kinds of apologetics (which is basically defense of the bible) and no matter how sound an argument is, they can always go back ask….”how do you know the bible is true.”

You wouldn’t go into a Chinese court citing the constitution of the United States as a means of trying to win a case.   The rules are different.  While there may be some commonalities, the framework by which they declare guilt or innocence is different.  The laws governing the realm of skepticism and theology share commonality, but there are enough differences that making your case using the ideals of religious belief will cause you to  come up short.

Too often, many fledgling apologists fall back into the argument that it’s true because the bible says it’s true.    At this point, the atheists get the high ground because they invariably point out that it’s circular reasoning, so therefore a logical fallacy.   They then point out that any book can say that it’s true, but just because it says that it is doesn’t make it so.  Very reasonable indeed.

I’ve never seen the counter argument that the methodology by which Atheists come to the conclusion that circular reasoning is illogical is also circular reasoning.   In other words, the use of logic to explain what’s logical also is circular in nature.   Not saying that appealing to logical rules in a logical debate isn’t reasonable, but I’m just saying, if we’re going to start with the premises that circular reasoning is a fallacy, then we must acknowledge that circular reasoning isn’t necessarily something that will always hinder us from getting to the ‘truthiness’ of a proposal.

Now don’t get me wrong, logic is a fine way of understanding the world around us.  In fact, when it comes to explaining the physical phenomena around us, it’s probably the best method i can think of.   The problem is that at some point, we have to take a leap of faith in assuming that it is the only one.  Let alone the best.  Because we have no other way to objectively demonstrate the validity of our beliefs, we usually rely on it as a means to convince others of truthiness of what we’re experiencing.   (At least those who care to convince others)

I do believe that it is important that we (as humans) have some method to demonstrate the truth of our claims.  It serves as a form of checks and balances to ensure that we act in accordance with the laws which seem to govern this reality.   That is, assuming the goal is finding out what’s true.

However I do think it’s reasonable to assume that there may be other methods that could point to a higher truth.    One reason I believe this is because what my (admittedly limited) understanding of quantum physics.   The lack of a unified theory (from my understanding) between how things work from a micro to macro scale seem to fly in the face of using what we already know to explain what we don’t know.

The basics of phenomena like quantum entanglement and particle wave collapse seem to suggest that things aren’t as they appear.   Again, I’m not expert at this, but from what I do understand is that it doesn’t make much sense when compared to how the world around us seems to work.

When I think of truth, I don’t know if there is some universal truth out there.   There does seem to be some qualia that ‘truth’ possesses.  Perhaps that qualia is really just explained by what we’re convinced of.   We then fall back to the fact that different people can be convinced of many contradicting things due to our ignorance.

Truth seems to work within a certain context or framework by which we interpret the world.   In other words, it seem to subjective to what each individual thinks that they know.   For example, we say A, B, C and we believe that we go from A to B to C.    But what if we are ignorant of something in between A to B or from B to C.   We don’t know what we don’t know so we are reasonable to assume that B directly follows A.

Epistemology is defined as the study of the method by which we come to a justified belief.   If the Theist is to use logic as  the sole method by which he comes to a justified belief, he steps into an arena filled with landmines and traps.   It would be wise to admit upfront that he takes larger leaps of faith to fill in the gaps of his knowledge….and truth be told, many are ok doing this.   Unfortunately, it’s as if they forget that they are doing this and end up losing the debate based off the rules of engagement.   More specifically, demonstrate the truth of your claim.

The skeptic/atheist is at advantage as they can simply answer with “I don’t know.”   The theist is then left to defend the unanswerable with unprovable (though sometimes reasonable) explanations.    It doesn’t work out well as skeptics are quick to pull out the leap of faith (God of the Gaps) (again reasonable) trump card if things get too hairy.

Perhaps the best defense a  reasonable Christian or any theist for that matter could use is that they believe because they choose to believe.   Sure, it defies logic.   But reasonable atheists can’t account for the personal revelation/experiences of the individual.   They may have reasonable theories, but most will have to admit that the impact of a personal revelation on a person’s life may be enough to convince the person it happened to.  Even if that personal revelation doesn’t convince the person they tell.

From there I’d say that (for better or for worse) choosing to say I don’t know why <insert God> chooses to make things appear that way… but I choose to have faith in this matter despite it not standing up to the logical framework which governs most of my other decisions.   The theist is forced to concede special pleading, but again, faith doesn’t necessarily have to be logical to be reasonable to the individual.

That said, the skeptic has set up a game that the theist cannot win when trying to convince him to believe in God.  He is playing with a stacked deck.  He is asking the theist to prove something as true, using his rules,  while not actually claiming to be able to disprove it.   Therefore he can continue playing the why? how? game infinitely.   Eventually, the theist runs out of answers and then boom….God of the Gaps.  His proposed solutions and objections aren’t on trial so they can be changed ad hoc and are often used as tools of debate to make points or examples.  Or he could reasonably say “I don’t know” if the question is turned back on him.

Belief in God for the logical person must be a choice.  It really doesn’t need an explanation.   The justification is that it’s something that can’t be disproven.   (another thing skeptics hate).  By nature, the concept of God is unfalsifiable so it can’t be proven or disproven using logic.

From there, it follows that the belief comes first, the evidence comes next.    The evidence is based on interpretation of the facts based on the epistemology of the belief.

Everyone including the skeptic does this.   Their first belief is that things must logically make sense in order to be true.  Ironically, the believer does this as well.   The major difference is that the logical skeptic needs objectively demonstrative evidence while the theists is often fine without it.    They both then review the proposal based on the framework of their beliefs.

While both are confident that their way is superior.  Without the ability to know everything that we don’t know nor the ability get out of the trap of appearing to be a subjective being in an objective world, we can’t really be sure if either is a sure pathway to ultimate truth….especially when it comes to matters of the unknown.

That said, while theism does use some form of logic once a premise has been established, the atheist isn’t bound by the specific premise.   The theist walks into the arena with one arm tied behind his back.   The atheist, often armed with more biblical knowledge (in the case of Christianity) that the Christian minus the weight of having to defend his position has a huge advantage.

Personally, I take the position of Agnostic Christian.   While I don’t KNOW if the bible is true as far as a matter of historical fact, nor if my interpretation is correct.  I choose to believe that it contains wisdom that helps me in life and that it is divinely inspired.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pride goeth before destruction

I realize that I fell out of love with my wife.  Or should I say, I was pushed out of love with her.   I was dragged out, kicking and screaming.   Now that I’m out of the burning building, I wonder why I was so attached as to stay in the heat to endure the burn.

Hope for the possibility of saving my family has taught me that I can endure a lot.   The effort was, for the most part, not a conscious decision.  Perhaps loyalty to the idea was just ingrained in me.  Unfortunately, I sustained a ton of injury and scars to carry with me.

I suppose the next step is learning how to overcome my pride in the matter.   It played a large role in how I handled the situation.   It still does.   I know she has checked out.   I realize that her nature is that of not caring and possibly rubbing salt in the wound.    She no longer cares how her actions affect me.   Yet my pride as a man just won’t allow me peace with her doing whatever the hell she wants.   At least while we are living together.

I was hoping that acceptance would finally lead to apathy.   So far, I still get angry, jealous and annoyed.  “You think I’m stupid” seems to be my go to phrase for whenever she’s engaged in suspicious activity.  She laughs it off and seems to be somewhat amused by my frustration.

The way I see it, there is a combination of factors at play here.   I want justice for feeling that I was treated so badly.   I want her to feel bad and take ownership about destroying our marriage.    I feel emasculated and powerless to do anything about the perceived injustices she inflicts onto me.   Yet I know that it’s all perspective.   If I could, somehow, just not care.  As they say, “it’s mind over matter.  if you don’t mind, it don’t matter.”

I know that I deserve better.   It’s not a matter of not knowing my worth.   I know that fundamentally, we are no longer compatible.  She’s not a keeper.    I am looking forward to the day when I can look back and say that I’m glad that that’s in the past,  just as I do with all of my previous relationships.

I think that one of my biggest fears is that she’ll go on to find that happiness she is looking for despite all of the wrong doing and suffering she’s caused me.   Logically, I know it’s irrelevant as I know that someday, I’ll be over it and hope that I’m as apathetic to her as all of my other exes (for better or for worse in their lives).

For now, it’s a daily struggle.   The emotional roller coaster is still in full effect.  I feel like I’m being emotionally abused.   While I really don’t think that I’ll have any regrets on losing her in the future, presently, it seems that I’m stuck with having to endure the constant pokes and jabs of her apathy.   It’s a constant reminder of the loss of the greatest good I ever had.  My family.

I am daily reminded that I am stuck in an emotionally abusive situation and am pretty much powerless to do anything about it for now.   It’s like being in jail for an undetermined amount of time for a crime that I didn’t commit.

As Buddha said, “attachment is the cause of suffering.”   I have suffered greatly due to my attachment of having a home and family.  I suffer due to my pride over not having the power to make her treat me in the way I feel that I deserve.   I suffer in knowing that in order to get the peace of mind I want, I have to end up hurting/disappointing my son.   I suffer with the knowledge that she could do this to me and pretty much get away with it.

It’s so hard not to hate her over this.   How could I have let such a wicked monster into my heart.   Yet divorce, betrayal, breaking of homes, etc happen every day.   I know that we don’t have what it takes to endure.   I don’t love her anymore.   We don’t have the desire for each other.   The lack of love for me is so apparent and yet I can’t seem to let it go.    She isn’t worth it.  She doesn’t have the type of loyalty, self reflection, kindness, nor consideration that’s need to sustain a marriage.   I can’t love her like Christ loved the church.  It’s just not in me.   It hurts too much.

I gotta figure out how to get the time and space to forgive so that I can move on with my life so that I no longer feel disrespected and hurt over this.  The more she injures me, the harder it is to forgive.   Ironically, the less I forgive, the more hurt I am.

Right now, it seems that all I can do is keep hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I expected too much

I’ve been asking the question of what my role in the demise of our marriage is. It’s tough to point a finger at myself and say that I may have contributed to the fall of it. I do believe that I had the basics covered.

While not the primary breadwinner, I did maintain a decent paying, respectable job throughout it. My salary wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. I could definitely take care of myself and her if needed. But we never had any real financial issues with our combined salaries. Her late and inconsistent work hours made it difficult to find additional part time work outside of rideshare. I did housework instead and did a lot as far as teaching our son things. I’ll say that he is near the top of his class due to the work I did in teaching him. I kept myself in shape. I always offered a listening ear if she had issues. I did communicate my needs. I wasn’t verbally abusive. I was faithful. I did give her freedom to do pretty much what she wanted. I encouraged her to pursue her goals.

But it wasn’t enough. Perhaps those things are just the bare minimum of what a husband is supposed to do.

Conversely, I could have made more money and been more serious about my career. I could have had a deeper vision of where I wanted us to be in the future. I mostly regret not taking more of an active role in our spiritual development. More specifically, taking the lead in fostering our walk with God.

Maybe I was looking at the dysfunction in many black households and my past relationships and made the mistake thinking that we were pretty good. Instead of looking at the type of woman she is, I projected onto her the type of woman I wanted her to be. When I found her lacking in some important area (to me) or another, I ignored it. I loved her and accepted her for it, not thinking that those things were possible signs for things to come.

Maybe I loved her too much. I placed her above me in the sense of always wanting to make her happy. It made me happy to make her happy. I’m a simple man, it doesn’t really take much for me. Perhaps I assumed that, based on the fact that she never complained, that she was like me in that sense. But I did do small things to let her know that I thought about her. Maybe they went unnoticed as she got used to it over the years.

While she still can’t/won’t say why she’s so discontent with our marriage. Or why she’s so “on the fence” about trying to repair it. I can’t help but to think that maybe she’s just not that into me anymore. Sure, entertaining other men, emotional affairs, no sex, etc play a huge role imho. Those are just symptoms of a deeper issue.

Although I think that with work, we could stand a chance, I cannot bring myself to take the lead in fixing things after being betrayed and hurt so deeply. Especially given her insistence on still being secretive with her cell phone.

The flaws that I once ignored in her are blatantly apparent now. These aren’t superficial flaws in my opinion. The strong desire for secrecy, selfishness, the lack of communication, and circumstantial loyalty are all traits that can destroy friendships, let alone a marriage. The lack of understanding of what respect is, healthy marriage boundaries, or the implications behind disloyalty make it apparent that she just isn’t good wifey material.

It would seem that we are on totally opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to emotion, self reflection, and spirituality. It bothers me how she mindlessly scrolls though social media all day, won’t read a book or watch a self development video to save her damn life, and faithfully watches reality tv. It irks me at how she seems to be so stereotypically the modern western black woman. How she grabs on to trends and political speaking points. How she defends her speaking points with other speaking points. It would seem that she’s completely brainwashed by society as a whole.

To be honest, if I met her today (and she was honest about who she is), I don’t think i’d take her seriously as someone to marry. I’d screw her for sure, but she’s like that pretty I.G. model taking selfies in a dirty room.

While many men might try to wife her, I’d look at the long term difficulties and not give my heart to her. Going through this taught me that looks, initial chemistry, and a few flattering words aren’t enough. The intangibles are way more important when considering who to allow into your heart so deeply.

If I take full responsibility, I would have to say that I was too enthralled by her beauty to notice that we never really had deep conversations about life. Everything was mostly surface level. In fact, if I ever got too deep, I should have taken note how she seemed bored and didn’t have much to contribute. The words “I’m listening” along with extended silence is now in the Red Flag collection… at least when it comes to certain conversations.

I should have taken note that she never read articles or watched videos I sent her. Or how the only things she showed interest in were things that could be leveraged as social capital (‘gram’ worthy events.)

It doesn’t make her an evil person. Many men I know too are like this too. Perhaps she is better suited for the sports jock or dudes who are “all about the bag.” Maybe an emotionally unavailable man would be a better match to her apathetic attitude about the deeper aspects of life. Maybe a man who is a master manipulator with a strong personality is her cup of tea.

Given her lack of self reflection and tendency towards co dependency, I’m afraid that if the wrong man gets into the picture, she’ll allow him to manipulate her into doing whatever the hell he wants (like her ex affair partner), regardless of the consequences. Wouldn’t be a problem if my son wouldn’t be affected. But maybe I’m underestimating her. Maybe I just overthink things too much.

Either way, we probably just aren’t right for each other. I think she liked the novelty of me at first. I’m not like many of the guys she was used to. Maybe it’s what captivated her the most about me at first. I am pretty thoughtful, I do bring a different perspective, I wasn’t the stereotypical black dude from the streets of New York (again, her ex affair partner). At the same time, given her “in the box” tastes in music, social media influencers, and current trends, maybe she really wants what she’s used to. She wants that dude that’s in a box. And that’s ok, nothing more wrong with them than with me. It’s just not me.

Likewise, while I personally don’t hold it against a female for her likes and actions as far as being a human goes, there are certain ones I personally wouldn’t want a long monogamous relationship with. It’s not that I think my way is better, I just don’t think we would be able to sustain ourselves long term once the new energy of the relationship wears out.

So in the end, maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. We just didn’t have enough chemistry mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. Our values and frequencies are just too different.

I wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t looking for perfection. I’ll say that I was pretty close though (on paper). At least when I compare to the complaints I hear other women have about the men in their lives.

It goes to show that no matter how well you treat someone, no matter what the intentions are in the beginning, nor how dedicated you are to them, how much you sacrifice and love them, that sometimes things just don’t work out.

I have to learn to get over the feelings of betrayal. I have to stop expecting her to be self reflective as it’s just not her. I have to stop projecting the idea that a strong nuclear family is worth fighting for and should be her priority as well. I can’t expect her to just know things the way that I do. I can’t expect her to feel bad or disappointed with the way she treated me. She is just not who I wanted her to be no matter how badly I wished she was. I have to accept that. She’s just not into me anymore. She checked out and isnt interested in making things ok.

The hardest part of acceptance is her apathetic attitude about how bad she hurt and humiliated me in all of this. That I may have to carry these scars and pain because I did love so deeply while she gets to walk away relatively easily without any bruises or bumps. That she gets to walk away without any regrets, remorse, or ownership in the destruction of our home. It seems so unfair to have to grieve the loss of our home by myself due to nothing I did, while she walks away with no rregrets.

But I have to forgive her….as I truly think that she really doesn’t have the capacity (with me anyway) to understand how fucked up this all is. I cant expect her to be someone she isn’t. I shouldnt judge her based on my expectations or personal ideas of “oughtness”.

She isn’t evil or anything (though a bit shallow imho) and she’s probably telling the truth when she says that it wasn’t her intention to hurt me. I feel like I’m stretching her when I have the intention vs impact discussion.

I realize it seems that it seems that I’m implying that she’s stupid or something. I dont think she’s stupid. I just think that emotional empathy is one of her specific weaknesses. Just as one of mine is a tendency to overthink things….or maybe, she just isn’t into me enough to spend the emotional energy to care.

I’m thinking that the hurt comes from my own insecurities about not being good enough. I took her rejection of my love for her and our marriage as a sign that I wasn’t enough.

I didn’t take into consideration that she isn’t assertive, self reflective, nor communicative about her needs. I felt that being abandoned and betrayed was indication of me not being man enough. It brought out fears of being unworthy. Of not being man enough to keep her despite having so much good in our lives.

Added to the pain of hurting our son, I really just felt shitty. While the latter part still bites, at least I know that I need to work on feeling better about myself overall as a person. I thought that I was a fairly emotionally healthy person, but this has shown me that I do have a few demons hiding beneath the surface.

Doing what I gotta do

I think I’ve been staying in this marriage out of convenience and the fear of hurting our kid. It’s not easy divorcing. The splitting of finances, hurting kiddo, the logistics of finding a new place, finding a lawyer, and that faint glimmer of hope that opens up every now and then all make this feel like an unsurmountable task.

I’m not sure if I love her or not anymore. Apparently not enough to actually put up more of a fight. I just can’t get past my pride and allow her to lie, mistreat, and mentally abuse me while emotionally investing. It took me a lot of work to get to this point of emotional detachment and I can’t afford to go back to where I was.

She’s done and I don’t have to confidence to believe that she really isn’t. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t love me despite what she says on occasion. I fear getting back to the place of emotional attachment where she or anyone for that matter can hurt me like that again.

Especially considering that she hasn’t done anything to try to prove to me that she’s sorry enough to change her secretive ways. Despite agreeing that I’m pretty much right that she’s not helping with her behavior. And admitting that she doesn’t tell me the truth about her indescretions because “she doesn’t want to hurt me.” She doesn’t/hasn’t done anything to try to improve things.

The insistance on secrecy and keeping her male friend proves that she isn’t really interested in making things work. She doesn’t feel guilt, nor remorse. She claims to with her words, but not with her actions. I think I could have tried to make it work, but I just cannot emotionally invest more than I already am. Not without her truly showing through her actions that she is willing to work at it.

It’s easy for her to sweep it under the rug. She’s not feeling hurt nor disrespected by me. She has the luxury of taking her time. Deep conversations are a moot point as she doesn’t have to really think about it. At least not until someone puts pressure on her to leave. Ultimately, if some guy decides to get serious about her, she most likely will. I don’t think I can fight it, I just don’t have it in me to do so. Not for her. She’s hurt, damaged, abused, ignored, and pushed me to this point. Yet I’m not doing anything constructive about it. I’m just taking it.

I think she trusts me, even though I am cheating myself. I feel somewhat justified as she doesn’t give me intimacy nor sex despite wanting it sometimes. She never questions me. I don’t know if she just trusts me like that or really doesn’t care. I mean can she really believe taht I’m not getting it from someone?

Either way, this is no way to live. Adultery is wrong and I have stooped to her level. Though I don’t feel guilt over it, I know it’s not right to drag the other woman through this. Though I do get a little jealous over her at times, I know that I can’t truly hold her accountable. I don’t expect much, but I’ll still talk my shit if necessary. As much as I’d hate to lose her, I think I could walk away.

I don’t want to fall in love ever again. I don’t like not being in control of my emotions. How ironic is it that we as humans desire the very thing that can destroy us? I know she cannot love me for putting me though this. But still how can I just let it go when I know I’m not staying for me, it’s for a bigger cause. I hate this ‘me first’ society where personal happiness is the end all be all of everything. Yet, I cannot take this mental abuse for much longer.

It was a bad idea moving back in with her. I’m back in this position of powerlessness to do anything while she continues with her “quest for happiness.” at my expense. Our lives are so intertwined financially and with the kid that it seems impossible to get the space that I need to just get over her.

It seems so unfair to him and to me for that matter. Before dealing with her affairs and disrespect, I never cheated, I considered her. I made time for her. I treated her well. It’s frustrating because she can’t/won’t identify anything I did wrong to warrant this behavior from her. It’s as if she’s ok with being wicked, lying, abusing me, and being the primary cause of all of this. She won’t even defend herself with anything other than ‘she’s unhappy.’ Never even giving a reason why. She won’t take accountability for her actions. She won’t even make any real excuses.

Her advice is that if I didn’t snoop, then I wouldn’t be hurt. This is not what you want to hear from your s/o. And while she might be right, how can I invest in someone who has already betrayed me without reasonably knowing what’s going on?

How can I ever trust someone like that. Someone so willing to hurt someone else for her own selfish gain. Someone who doesn’t feel guilt or remorse for treating someone badly, destroying her family, just because she’s infatuated with ‘new penis’.

It’s truly a deal breaker. Yet here I am, sitting in this low position, of wanting to make it work for our family’s sake. I hate how it emasculates me. I hate how it makes me feel stupid. I hate how I allow myself to stoop to her level despite it being one of the only things i do to help me maintain my sense of self worth.

I have to come up with a plan. And all of them pretty much suck. The best case scenario is jumping out ahead of this. I have to leave, at least for a while and pray that my son can get past this. I have to take the financial loss and accept the destruction of my home and family. It feels that I’m being punished for wanting to keep my family. In a way, it seems hypocritical to forsake my promises, responsiblities, and vows (ok, i fucked up on the sexual part, but still) for my own chance at happiness. It’s exactly what she’s doing. Perhaps our methods differ, but at the end of the day, I’m not hurting her. Our kid gets to suffer though.

I need the space to forgive her for taking my home away. For forcing me to hurt someone I truly love. For putting her wants above his needs. For forcing me to endure the mental abuse and emotional turmoil for years because of her apathy. For truly hurting me for doing what we can both agree was the right thing. For all the lies, betrayal, disrespect, and loss of self respect. For what? Some vague notion of ‘happiness’ she’s out there chasing. As if trying to find it without hurting and abusing the people who loved and depended on her the most wasn’t at least worth trying. The hardest part is her being so damn apathetic about it, yet being able to walk away as if it’s just some trivial thing that happened.

The potential happiness that comes with marriage and family is not worth the risk. It’s not easy and people switch up all the time. It only takes one person to realize they are unhappy and it gets fucked up for everyone involved. When a spouse becomes an asshole, they either don’t realize it or don’t care anymore. Everyone then suffers and they walk away scott free. I hate this man.

I’m so stupid sometimes

In true asshole fashion, I got fucked up last night and said something that I totally regret.

I’m feeling shitty about it because she didnt deserve that.

I dont know why I’m like that. Hopefully she can forgive me…again.

I find myself apologizing to her a lot. I never thought of myself as a toxic person.  Bitter, yeah maybe since going through all of this bullshit with my wife.   Perhaps the anger and frustration is affecting that relationship more than I realize.   She’s been no less than amazing to me and yet I’ve brought so much toxicity to her based on my fear and insecurities.

I should probably just leave her alone as I’m always apologizing for saying mean things.   That’s if she decides to even deal with me again.

I learned a valuable lesson.   I’m no saint, but I hate to hurt people who care about me.  I guess I’m not immuned to causing hurt to people who love me.

The redpill side of me says to just hurt her, she’ll get more attracted if I do.   Dunno why, but women seem to like being hurt by assholes as long as they have some attraction.  As long as I maintain the frame of being able to walk away or not really caring if she does, then all should be well.

Besides, it is her nature to be sneaky and she probably would end up cheating or leaving if I don’t do something fucked up sometimes.  It almost feels like I have to be an asshole sometimes to keep her interested.   It’s like those emotional spikes are necessary to make them stick around.   The absolute worst thing I could do is bore her by being, you know,  consistent and stable.

Rules of the game dictate that the worst thing to do would be to apologize.   But to be honest, I don’t want to play the game with her.   I probably fucked up by sending her a long text apology.  It’s like confirming that I  fucked up where at least if I didn’t there is a shadow of doubt.  I probably should have just ignored it and acted like nothing happened.

I gotta get past all these emotional feelings man.   I gotta stop trying to be so damn self righteous.   I fucked up.   It’s not like she even asked for one.   But if I lose her, then I’m ok with that.

Overthinking things as usual.

 

 

Her happiness matters most (the script)

I appreciate real and honest conversation with the best of them.   A female friend and I were discussing marriage, happiness, and family.   She told me that she felt that there’s nothing wrong with divorce if someone was unhappy.   She figured that the kids would pick up on it anyway and they’d be better off it both parents were happy.   It would teach them that it’s ok to leave a bad situation if they felt unhappy about it.

Surface level, that sounds pretty solid.   But to me, it defeats the point of marriage.   I mean what’s the point in getting married if you walk in with the belief that you can just leave it because you’re unhappy.   To me, it’s like suicide.   Sure you can kill yourself if you feel like life gets too tough, but it shouldn’t really be an option.  It’s selfish to those who care about and love you.

It also teaches them that being unhappy about your promises and obligations is reason enough to stop.  What if I decided to quit working or paying bills because it made me unhappy.   What if I had kids that depended on me?     The way I see it, once you have children,  your personal happiness plays second fiddle to their needs.  Not to say you should be miserable either, but sacrifice is often necessary for their well being.

Don’t get me wrong, there is wisdom in knowing when to throw in the towel.  That’s usually when the cost of finishing outweighs the cost of even winning.

Wisdom has to be considered when kids are involved.   Sure, they will grow up and eventually move on, but they didn’t ask to be here.  It’s your responsibility to care for their emotional, financial, and mental well-being until they grow up.

Today, it seems that modern western women want to be wives more than they want to be married.   I think they want the ring, the wedding, and the prestige, without the hard work and sacrifice that comes after that.

Many modern women share that sentiment that life is all about their happiness and   marriage should reflect that.     I could understand if her spouse has drug issues, is abusive, won’t contribute, or constantly cheating.   But today, simply being ‘unhappy’ with her spouse because she wants to get back on the dating scene is reason enough for many women to find justification to leave their families behind.

Once she gets the notion that she’s unhappy in her head, she becomes uncooperative,  resentful, and even vindictive.  The idea possesses her and by then, it’s pretty much too late to fix anything.   She plays the victim card for other men saying how unhappy she is and how much happier they make her.

This makes her feel justified in cheating and/or disrespecting her husband.  The other guy starts feeling like he’s rescuing her when often times, the husband is clueless that the problem is that serious or that there is even a problem to begin with.

Of course her behavior changes due to the cheating causing him to act with suspicion. That has a huge negative impact on the relationship.   She won’t acknowledge that her actions are making the situation much much worse as she’s convinced that she was unhappy anyway thus justified in the lying, gas lighting, and blatant disrespect.   She becomes emotionally abusive.  Things fall apart and get from bad to nuclear fallout.   She blames him and gets closer to her lover.   The husband is losing his shit trying to figure out what’s going on and as added measure, she will let the new guy in on that frustration.   It further cements the idea in the new guy’s head that the husband really is no good for her.

Some men will just play the role because he wants the freaky sex without the obligation.    If the new guy does takes the bait and decides to take her on, she will jump ship claiming that he had nothing to do with her decision to leave.  Meanwhile, the husband acts as a safety net of sorts in case things don’t pan out the way she wants.  She knows that at any time, she could change her behavior and make peace in the house again.  If her husband is a family oriented man, she knows that the family means everything to him.   She is fully aware that she has most of the leverage so to speak.   Power has corrupted her.

In Case after case men have reported that the woman is no longer the same person he married.  She becomes morally compromised no matter how great she was in the beginning.

On a side note, I’d recommend any man who finds himself in this situation to cut his losses as soon as possible, deal with the pain of losing his family, and make real preparations to move on.   She’s not going to change as long as she knows that he will be there.   On the other end, I’ve heard countless stories from men who say once they’ve moved on, she comes back wanting to fix things.  She realizes that the grass isn’t really greener on the other side.   For many of them, it’s too late, the longer he waits, the more pain he endures and less likely he will want to return.   I’ve also heard many cases of where he took her back only to find himself in the same position a year or two later.

After all that, she feels that her husband should pay her alimony and child support, happily co parent, and still do whatever to support her for the kid’s sake.  Sometimes including accepting the new guy into their children’s lives.  I mean she’s ‘happy’ for now.   That’s the most important thing and everyone else needs to accept that.  Because she got what she wanted, everyone should be ok with it, no matter what it cost everyone else.     The sad thing is that she never considers the impact to everyone else.   It can take men years to overcome the emotional trauma.  Children can become emotionally scarred and damaged requiring years of therapy.  Grades suffer.  Depression kicks in.   But it’s all justified in her mind.   She has been told her whole life that she deserves happiness by any means.

Ironically, the children are rarely happier even though she got what she wanted.   Studies have shown that people who divorce don’t really feel much happier about their lives after the dust settles.   *Save for cases of abuse.

Modern western women are notorious for following this exact script and it’s creating a society where the potential dedicated family men no longer want to risk losing their family, hurting children, and having to coparent with a chick who cheated, emotionally abused, and took his home simply because she got bored.  Not to mention the unfair alimony and child support laws that overwhelmingly reward her regardless of who’s to blame.

The man either has to take in on the chin and comply only to lose more respect from her.   Or fight for his dignity and risk being labeled as bitter and angry….(as if he shouldn’t be).     Often times, standing up for himself will result in a toxic environment for the children.

I’m telling any man who reads this, please reconsider what you’re doing.  If you think that there is a possibility that you can’t keep her happy DO NOT TAKE A KNEE.  If she makes the change, any logic, morality, pleading, begging, appeals to family values, vows, promises, etc will fall upon deaf ears.  IT IS NOT WORTH THE RISK.    These women are savages out here.

 

 

 

.

Ouch

Despite feeling like my wife probably isn’t the best woman for me.   Realizing that it’s not fair to make her stay where she doesn’t want.  Understanding that women’s nature these days is to do and be whatever the hell it is they’re trying to be regardless of how it affects others.

Even though I know this happens to men all the time.   That my son might be ok as long as I do my best to support him.   I know that life isn’t always fair.   I know that way worse things happen to way better people.

I know that eventually, I’ll get through this.  I imagine that I’ll be relieved once it’s all said and done.  I believe I’ll look back and be glad I made it though.  I know this.

I don’t know why in the hell i’m still getting random anxiety attacks whenever I think about it.   How is it that I can intellectualize these things.  Understand them, and yet still  feel so shitty on the inside?

How can I not really want her back, not like her as relationship material.  Be so damn unhappy about my current situation.   See the lies, the games, have such low expectations on her, accept the fact that she isn’t the woman I needed her to be.   I accept that maybe I didn’t treat her bad enough.   It’s my fault on that.   But I acted out of ignorance.  I don’t regret it as I gave it my best shot with what I thought I had to do.

Why do I still feel so bad sometimes?

This is why I just never want to fall in love again.  You just can’t turn it off, despite desperately hoping to.      I can’t give so much of myself to anyone else.   It’s not fair to me or them.

Be a matador

My people perish for a lack of knowledge.

Man, I don’t know if I’m just bitter or if I’m just awakened.   Women in America are freaking crazy man.   It’s like if you’re good to them, they cheat or run off.   If you cheat or are bad to them, they chase.  It’s like they’re not happy either way.  You’re either too boring or you “ain’t shit”.   I’m convinced that despite no matter what happens, they’re always looking for happiness.

So.  In turn, the universe blesses (or curses) them with what they want.   To always be looking for happiness (as opposed to just being happy).   It’s something about these women that they need drama or misery.   It’s as if that must be a part of their existence or they get bored.

I hear story after story after story about how good men try to step up and create families or keep it solid with a woman, only to have her go out and cheat.  It’s like they mistake his kindness for weakness.  And the mental/emotional abuse these men endure is mind blowing.   I feel for these men because I know first hand how evil, deceitful, and wicked a woman can become.

On the flip side, I hear story after story after story about women out here chasing men who have multiple baby mama’s, can’t stay out of jail, can’t keep a job, keep cheating….etc.

Whenever I ask a woman why they fall for the ‘thug’ types, they pretty much always say that those men make them feel ‘protected.’

Protected from what?   Who do you need protection from here in the U.S.?   Why are you hanging out in hood areas where you need protection anyway?  Soooo…. Kind hearted men can’t protect you?  Dudes who have something to lose aren’t out here getting into bullshit.  We handle our business and mind our own.    Many of us own guns and know how to use them.   We stay fit and often have taken up boxing or mma.  I mean, I’m a kind hearted person, but I don’t fear any man on the street.  I feel I could beat a lot of these so called thug dudes out here if we had to throw hands.

How in the hell do you feel that a 145 pound, out of shape grown man who smokes weed, drinks all day, can protect you.   If he’s not working, then is he protecting you financially?

If I ask the question, I’m met with blank stares, or looked at like,  Hmm I never thought about it, or whatever.  Man, are they stupid or something.   Seriously, there is something wrong here in America man.   I mean seriously, you’ve never asked yourself why you and your friends keep falling for the same types?

Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised.   Most women I know don’t really like having deep or serious conversations.   They overwhelmingly like to talk about some gossip, drama going on in their lives, whatever bullshit is happening in the moment, or some insignificant stupid shit.

I’m starting to think they feel left out if they aren’t part of the single mothers who have ain’t shit baby daddies club.   They wear that shit like a badge of honor or something.   While at the same time on Instagram posting “where are all the good men.” memes.

Wanting to be married, but not be wives.   They want the ring and the wedding, but don’t want to sacrifice the male attention, nsa sex, and single life in the city in order to actually be a wife and raise a family.   They will only respect a man if he is abusive, cheating, or has one foot out of the door already.

Maybe they actually need protection from themselves.   Maybe they intrinsically know that they have an evil side that’s activated by kind men.

Relationships are so dysfunctional here in the west that it’s ridiculous.   It’s at the point of where when I do have the sexual interest of a female, I’m hard on myself for being too kind to her.    I feel that I have to balance out the kindness by doing something fucked up or starting a stupid argument in order to keep her interested.

I notice that if I do make a mistake, the best thing to do is continue to act like I don’t know or use some sophistry to make it seem like it’s ok.  I’ve accidentally struck a woman during sex a little harder than I meant and even though she was shocked, the energy felt like she took it as a red flag, but was turned on more by it.

I got drunk and straight cursed a fwb out over some bullshit.  I mean straight out disrespect,  she got mad and in her feelings, but came back later and the energy made it feel like she was bonded closer to me.

The only ex I cheated on and ended up with a pregnancy scare  wanted to my surprise to work things out after a few weeks.

Dudes I know who are constantly disappearing, cheating, broke, taking her car to see other girls and getting busted seem to always be able to get away with it.   Women truly like asshole behavior.

But that’s not my personality.  How fucked up is that I have to struggle to be an asshole sometimes in order to keep her interested.    I don’t care how much they say they don’t like it, they respond to you totally differently when you’re an asshole to them sometimes.

They won’t admit it.   It’s frustrating because it’s like they can’t see it even if you give them dozens of examples, even from their own lives or their friends lives.   Women like red flags it seems.   They chase them like a bull in a bull fight.

“He has a police record”….hmmm, let me investigate.   “He might be abusive”…hmmm, let me see.  “He has a reputation as a player”….hmmm, gotta check it out.   “4 baby mamas”….let me take a closer look.

Maybe there is an asshole to kindness ratio you have to work out in order to keep them balanced.

Strange times man.

 

 

I hate this feeling

Man I hate this feeling that I have for my wife.   I don’t even really like her like that.  I definately won’t say love.   Shit, but i still get so damn mad sometimes.   It’s gotta be my ego hurting.

Why does this shit have to hurt so got damn bad.   Why can’t i just let it go.   If anyone is reading this I’m telling you never, ever, ever, get married and have kids man.   I hate what this chick is putting me through with every inch of my soul.

I hate that I feel powerless to do anything about it right now.   It feels like torture.   Why can’t I just let it go.   I’m tired of holding on to the resentment, anger,  and feelings of disrespect.  I know that it says more about her character than me.

I know that I don’t want to be with her.  I just want my family.  The irony.    I dont’ want to hurt my son, but staying in this situation is torture.   I gotta get control over my emotions.

I’m tired of being weak.  How can I get my strength back.   How do people just shut down all these damn emotions?

Calling dude  is a sucker move.   I don’t even care to know the guy.   In all other circumstances I’d gladly say, that it’s his problem now.   But I signed up for this.

The split is knowing that my family suffers if I just leave.   Hell I’d still suffer knowing that I hurt my son.  I don’t suspect she’d shed a single tear.    I’m not the type of person who wants someone who doesn’t want me back.  She’s free to do whatever she wants.   But why does that freedom have to force me and the innocent person I am charged to protect so much pain.

So here I am.  Resigned to basically being a fucking cuck because I can’t just leave.  Maintianing a home for my son where she benefits because of him.   She is allowed to get away with murder scott free it seems.   Here’s the choice, I suffer with my ego or kiddo suffers due to the loss of his home.

Maybe i should just embrace the fact that I’m a cuck.   My wife is free to do whatever the hell she wants.   I can choose to keep the home for him so he doesn’t suffer.  If I continue to suffer alone.  I mean at least one of us can be spared from this pain.    I’d suffer either way to see him in pain.

When it comes down to it,  he deserves happiness as a child.  I’d sacrifice mine for his. God blessed my with the resposibility of raising him.   I’ve lived my childhood.  Life will probably beat him up enough that he doesn’t need this.    I have to bear my cross.   It’s getting heavy, but I can’t seem to drop it.   As shaky as my knees are, they won’t let me fall.

So I have to take this ass whoopin like a man.   No point in crying about it, at the very least, I must keep my dignity and no longer bitch about it to her.   She’s heard my side. She makes her choice.

I make mine, we live and die by them.   Daily, one step at a time.

But in reality, if she ends up pregnant, then what?   At what level do I give in?

Choices man….

I need a drink

 

Misconceptions About Women

Men and been sold a bill of goods by society on how to treat women.   Many men have followed this formula only to have their hearts broken.  Unfortunately, many women have also bought into the bull.   If taken, it can cause sadness, depression, and possibly thoughts of suicide. Women taking this pill have feelings of unfulfillment and run a high risk of being easily manipulated by those who aren’t conditioned by these rules.    I’ll run down the list in hopes that someone reading this can avoid the pain of heartbreak.  

1)Put her on a pedestal

We have this impression that by uplifting her, she will appreciate you even more.   Putting someone on a pedestal implies that you are holding her higher than yourself.   When someone is on a pedestal, they are literally looking down on you.   If she feels that she is “higher” or “better” than you….she can only look down on you and she begins to seek someone on her level or better.    Don’t dig yourself into a hole.

She can’t be eye level (as in a peer either)either.  While this might be ok in the workplace or nonsexual relationship.   She should always be a little below you in your eyes in the context of a sexual relationship.  Otherwise you will become friend zoned.

It sounds mysogynistic and most women probably won’t accept it, but in real life, she can’t respect a man she doesn’t look up to.  She can’t be attracted to a man she doesn’t respect.

2)She wants a nice guy

They tell you to be nice, take her on nice dates,  bring flowers, be consistent, be accommodating,  and compliment her.   They tell you to only have eyes for her and never cheat and be careful with her heart.   Treat her with gentleness and care.   They will say that she deserves it.

While that sounds good on paper and it aligns with the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated…..it’s not true in real life.   She may tell you that she wants that, but ask yourself why does she end up friending the nice guy and complaining about the bad boy.   This happens way too often to be coincidental.

While she may like the nice guy, she will screw the bad boy without holding him accountable.   In her mind, she doesn’t want to ‘offend’ the nice guy or scare him off and make him work as he’s husband material, while at the same time she thinks the bad boy is just a temporary thing.

Because it’s temporary and could end at any moment, it’s also more exciting to her. It’s also easier for her to be “real” with him as she doesn’t fear judgement or scaring him off.   Helluva a catch -22 for them, and I get it.   Even though it is totally fucked up for the good guy.

As a man, I’d much rather be the guy who gets sex without paying over the guy who spends the time, money, energy just to prove he’s worthy of sex.  It’s an ego thing for me and I suspect most men out here.  Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Plus he gets to see a side of her that boyfriends and husbands will probably never see.

How messed up would it be to put in all the work to take her out on a great date and she calls the other guy over to have sex afterwards.  Sure she might ‘respect’ or even like the good guy more, but the bad man gets the nasty sex and often times a deeper level of intimacy.   It’s effed up, but many women have admitted this to me.

Unfortunately, she gets bonded to the bad guy over the deeper intimacy and sex and sometimes ends up having a kid/kids over that.

3)Women are like delicate flowers

Women are not delicate flowers.   They can be very very crude and cruel.   It’s been said many times that a middle school girl is the cruelest creature on this earth.   It’s like they have a switch where they know what they’re doing is wrong and hurtful and they get some sort of satisfaction out of hurting others.  As girls, they also get away with it as few few people think of girl bullies in a social context.     Given enough power in a relationship, some will become emotional bullies to compensate for their past feelings of powerlessness .    Emotional scars don’t leave visible wounds and many can become extremely vindictive despite appearing to be benevolent on the surface.   They are nowhere near the saints society tries to make them out to be.  Many are more savage than male players when it comes to the dating/love game.  Don’t fall for appearances.

4)They are selfless

Women aren’t selfless.  Everything is about them.   Many are selfish and feel entitled to be pampered regardless of lazy, wicked, or evil they are.   There is rarely such thing as unconditional love from them (except in the case of their children).  Even then, during the throws of honeymoon phase lust, many will  castigate their children if they come in the way.   This is how many women can turn a blind eye to the abusive stepfather who abuses her kids.

5)They are loyal

“These hoes ain’t loyal.”   We all know the phrase.   They are only loyal to themselves.   The biggest downfall of men is expecting for these women to behave in a way that’s loyal to him.   Loyalty and happiness can co-exist, but only if loyalty is placed above it in the hierarchy of governing principles.   Women place their happiness above loyalty so you cannot expect them to stay loyal should a ‘better deal’ come along.

They are like that job that’s always taking applicants.  While all applicants don’t get an interview, if some smooth talker comes along and gets her wet, you best believe she might put him on at least part time even if you’re doing your job well.

Women are sneaky and if you’re the jealous or investigative type, you’re in for a world full of disappointment.   My theory is require loyalty,  but don’t expect it.

6)Happy wife, happy life

You shouldn’t be responsible for making someone else happy.   I’m not saying that you can’t be pleasant or kind if that’s your cup of tea, but just don’t put the burden on yourself to keep her happy.   She can make herself miserable in the best of times as justification to do whatever her whims allow her to.   She may be happy with you for the short term, but you cannot keep her happy.  Don’t burden yourself.

7)She wants consistency

Women claim to want consistency and in a way it’s true.   They want security in knowing that you’ll always be there.  In reality, they abuse it.   If they know that they have you, they get bored.   While they might complain, it’s better to have them complain about it than to give them that power over you.   Nothing kills attraction more than boredom.  You have to keep her on her toes.   This is where bad boys excel.   She has to know that you can and will walk anytime she tests you.  She has to know that you have options before she can respect you.    She cannot love you if she cannot respect you.  You must play push pull with her if you want to keep her engaged.   Always be ready to walk away.  Otherwise, you’ll find yourself playing safety net as she seeks thrills elsewhere.

8)Compromise is key

Never compromise with your woman or else she sees it as weakness.   Every single thing is a battle.   She may stay with you if give in sometimes, but each time is a test and she loses a bit of respect and attraction every time you give in to one of her rediculous demands.   You have to keep her on the defense.  In football, defense may win championships, but in ‘love’ offense is key to winning.

Never fear her complaining, it means she’s still engaged.   Her not complaining is a sure sign that she’s looking to or has already moved on.  Seek compliance and respect over “love” and pity sex.

9)They want you to fall in love

Never, never, never, and I mean never fall in love.   It may be tempting because she’s cool, seems loyal, but once you actually fall, it’s like a switch goes off in her head.  Her respect level drops tremendously.   You lose control of your emotions.   You become possessive.  You lose your edge.   It turns her off.

You may or may not lose her if you like her a lot, but it’s guaranteed if you fall in love with her.   Approach the line if you’re a gambling man, but tread with CAUTION.   There is a saying that the one who cares the least has the most power in the relationship.  As stated before, you cannot give her power.   Though she seeks it, she ultimately resents it.   She will eventually resent you for giving it to her.   Ever notice how cruel they become if you happen to find yourself in love with her.   Ever notice how she can suddenly fall out of love?   This happens when she realizes she has that power over you.

Again, this is why bad boys and douche bags can get away with intentional disrespect while good guys have to walk the thin line of making no mistakes.

Don’t give her the power.    If you find yourself falling for a girl, (by then it’s probably too late)  I’d highly recommend falling back if you want to keep her around long term.  However, it’s much easier to pretend that you love her than to pretend that you don’t.  Men show love, women feel it.  Leave the emotions to her.   Trust me, it’s much better off for everyone in the relationship.

10)She’d never to that to me

Never put anything past her.   Many women don’t lie in the sense of not meaning what they say in the moment, but those words, sentiments, and emotions are temporary.  An I love you, or you make me happy, simply means that she feels that way in the moment.   You just evoked that emotion in her.   She could say that she loves you and mean it after a night of passionate sex or after a great date only to wake up the next day and feel nothing for you.   Her emotions are temporal.  She doesn’t really understand them most of the time so just take them with a grain of salt.

At the same time, when she says that she’d never do x,y,z.   It simply means that she doesn’t feel like she would in the moment.   If a smooth talker comes along and she falls for his b.s., that church girl will be letting him give her anal in a church parking lot while you’re at home watching the kids.

Never put anything past her.   You’re going to have to forgive her A LOT.   She is amoral as her happiness is more important than anything else in this world.   Falling in love will guarantee that you will be hurt/ bad as she is pretty much at the whim of whatever emotion is invoked in her,  regardless of the consequences of acting upon them.

Women will read this and think that I’m just bitter.   I understand.  Most women aren’t self reflective to understand that what they say they want is different than what’s been effective in  getting them.   Many can look back on their past behavior and agree that they have engaged in/ fell for this sort of behavior, but still deny that it works on them.

They are sort of like the blue pilled man in that they deny reality even though the signs are there.   That said, I strongly believe that knowing this information can help ignorant blue pilled men make better choices when it comes to dealing with women.   I also hope that a woman can read this and understand herself better.  Maybe then she can start making better choices by knowing herself a little bit better.

Meanwhile, I’m not saying be angry at women for this.  Accept it.  Embrace it and learn to use it to your advantage.   Know what to expect and handle yourself accordingly.   Guard your hearts gentlemen.   It might just save your life.