Happiness Over Everything

We often refer to permiscuous women or prostitutes as hoes.  I’m going to expand that definition to women who believe that their happiness is more important than everything.   HOE  means Happiness Over Everything.

I had a deep conversation with a female friend this weekend about marriage and her ideas about it.   In it, she said that she doesn’t feel that people who are unhappy should stay married.  I told her about the article I read about wives wanting to leave their good husbands because they were unhappy.    How these men did nothing wrong, but they felt that they had to be “brave” even though they knew everyone else would suffer for it.

She says that people should always be pursuing their personal happiness and that life is just ‘too short’ to be unhappy.   I told her that the primary goal of marriage isn’t about happiness, but it’s about love.  It’s about loyalty and dedication.

What’s the point in getting married if you can suddenly wake up one day and walk away simply because you’re not feeling it?  What about family depending on you?   Of course she returned with “a kid can sense if their parents aren’t happy.  the best thing we can do is let them see us happy.”

Are we teaching them that it’s ok to forego our responsibilities and obligations because we aren’t as happy as we could be?   What if I decided that I wanted to go out and have unprotected sex with someone else, lie to my s/o about it because I didn’t want to get her upset, simply because I wanted to be happy.   What if molesting children made child molesters happy?   Rapists like raping people and aren’t they just trying to be happy.   Should I go out and rob someone because having their things makes me happy?

This notion of happiness over everything and everyone is the problem with the modern woman.   I’m not saying that people should be miserable, but in reality, these hoes are so selfish that they really can’t be happy in a long term relationship.   They expect us to provide everything and still give us no clue on how to make them happy.

In actuality, it appears that they thrive on misery and being hurt.   It’s almost like you have to hurt her and not really care about her in order for her to be satisfied with you.   This is why ‘nice guys’ finish last.    This is why players and fuckboys are given a million chances to fix things, but the good guy has to constantly prove himself.

I also learned that women view this relationship thing way differently.   She told me that she would have nsa sex with guys she was attracted to, but didn’t want relationships with.   She would not require him to take her on dates or would go dutch to prove that she didn’t want a relationship with him.

She would on the other hand require men she thought as husband material to take her on dates to prove how much he wanted to be with her.    I almost threw up in my mouth.   While I get it on one hand.  It sucks that a man who would try to give her everything she wanted had to wait and jump through hoops, while the other guy simply shows up to get the goodies.

So what she’s basically saying is that the best way to get into her panties is to not want a relationship with her.    Attraction is everything to these women.   This is the game folks.  This is the modern hoe.

To be successful with these hoes, we just make ourselves as attractive as possible.  Be cordial and entertaining.  Act like a friend, but let her know you want sex.   Don’t pursue a relationship.  Disrespect her every now and again.   Have other chicks on the side so that you don’t get too attached to her.  And finally, blow her back out during sex.


Lost in the Sauce

I read an article today about women who wanted to leave their ‘good’ husbands simply because they felt unfulfilled.   Add that to the constant mgtow and redpill content that I’ve been consuming lately and I’m feeling a bit down.

I now that red pill rage is real, but right now, I’m feeling a bit depressed.   It sucks to realize that these women ain’t shit.   Well, the vast majority.   Loyalty means nothing to them.   It forces me to look in the mirror and understand that my sadness comes from the fact that I probably will never be able to have that wife or forever person that I want.

The idea of loving someone and being faithful, real, and supportive has to die.   We live in an age where if you’re not playing or dating several women, then they lose attraction to you.    They will cheat.   You can’t treat a woman like you really care about her and I have to overcome that programming I’ve been ingrained with.  You really do have to objectify and use them if you want success.   You can’t give a fuck about them in any real way.

I’ve heard so many stories of guys who talk about how rampant cheating girlfriends and wives are out here.   They talk about how disrespectful these women are…giving them oral sex and returning home to their husbands….answering phone calls of their s/o’s while having sex with them, spending their husband’s hard earned money on them, while said husband at home working or taking care of the kids.

Good men are referred to as simps because apparently, we don’t understand the game.    I don’t want to be a player as I don’t want to lie, but at the same time, I’m getting to the point where I can’t trust women.  No matter now nice, real, or sincere they come across.   It’s upsetting, but I can’t bury my head in the sand any longer.

I have to put me first.   I can’t love without trust.   I don’t trust, so I can’t love.   I have to find it in me to play this game, no matter how dirty, deceitful, I have to be.   That’s not me.   It seems so wrong.   But what else am I to do.

I don’t even know why my self worth as a man is measured on how many women I can have or even if I can have any at all.   There is something in me though that needs to get this handled.   It feels like I’m losing myself.

They don’t care about my feelings….only what they can get out of me….whether it’s sex, novelty, revenge, money, validation…..who knows.  All I know is that we’re living in an age where as a man, I must protect my heart….at all costs.

How many times must I open up facebook and insta just to see women post pics about guys they so called love, only to have them post memes a few months later about ‘men’ are this or or ‘men’ are that.    It’s like looking at these dudes, it’s clear they are players.    I’m not a bad looking dude, but I treat them way too nice.   I gotta stop being so considerate and caring.   Being called nice is an insult to me at this point.   I’m just being me and it’s a constant reminder that I’m not adequate.   Noone likes the good guy, yet they claim it’s what they want.   But yet when they get us, we’re cheated on or left because we’re unfulfilling.

I don’t  care that they like the bad guy.   Why do they have to be so damn evil to guys like me though?   WTF is so wrong with me?   I don’t even really trust my lover because I haven’t done anything messed up to her in a while.

Why are women so weird in that the only way they are attracted to and respect you is if you hurt (mentally) or use them in some kind of way.   That’s truly not my nature, but I have to get over that.

Mental Hell is playing this on repeat

It’s so funny how I can normally identify dysfunction in others, but yet, I couldn’t seem to see it right in front of me.   I was thinking about how messed up my wife’s behavior has been over the course of our marriage and realized that the only reason I didn’t judge her was because she was faithful (as far as I knew).

In reality, when I think of my ideal woman, she was far from it.   Perhaps I deluded myself because I was attracted to her appearance.   What a fool I’ve been.   I know that people don’t really change unless they want to.   She doesn’t really see a problem with treating me in a way she wouldn’t want to be treated.   I dealt with it because I didn’t want to hurt our son.  While I’d understand why our son might do the same thing for his family, I wouldn’t be too mad if he decided to give up.

I also think that it exposes insecurity in me.  Perhaps it’s a natural human inclination to want to avoid abandonment.   It’s also part of my ego fearing that I’m unworthy of her.   But truthfully, I don’t deserve her.  I don’t deserve to be disrespected, unappreciated, and lied to.  I’m not saying that I deserve a 10 (she isn’t a 10).  But I do deserve reciprocity, honest communication, and basic respect.   Without those, then what am I in it for?   Why stay married to someone who either doesn’t get that or doesn’t care enough to provide those things?  Is it really too much to expect those things?

I ‘know’/’knew’ these things.   I’d tell any friend of mine that he or she does deserve those things in a spouse.  That those are the basics.   That if their s/o doesn’t give them those basics at least, then it’s time to move on.   People divorce for good and bad reasons.  In my heart, I could have forgiven the cheating.   But the disrespect, lying, gas lighting, inconsideration  is unacceptable.   This is emotional abuse.

I don’t know how I did’t realize that she is ‘one of those’ type of people that you warn others about falling in love with.   I have to admit that I chose wrong.  It took some time for me to see that.  Unfortunately, we already brought a child into the world and gave him a home.   By the time I figured it out, it was too late.   I’m left with no good options as leaving or staying will result in devastating consequences for him.

In the beginning, she told me that she didn’t want to have a child in a broken home, but yet she tore our home down without even trying to save it.   That last part stings the most as to me. Our family meant everything to me.  It was worth fighting for.   New sex and adventure, while tempting, wasn’t worth losing our nuclear family over.   Yet, I have to admit and eventually forgive the fact that ultimately, it was worth it to her.

I suppose the PR answer if asked in the future why we divorced is that our priorities and values were in different orders.   I wasn’t a saint in this either, I eventually lost my patience.   I called her out.  I said many unkind things to her after the fact.   I told close family and friends about it.   I had a few affairs she didn’t find out about (after her 2nd affair.)   I stopped praying every day for us to work it out.

I don’t regret it.  It wasn’t out of revenge.   I honestly don’t believe it would have hurt her had she found out.  That should have been the sign to get the ball rolling on divorcing.    I did it as an attempt to reclaim my masculinity and sense of worth.   I loved her more than I loved myself.   This was truly an attempt to emotionally disconnect from her.   Was I a victim?  Yes. Unfortunately, I acted like one as well.   I do regret that part.

She used the love of my family as a condition of my happiness against me.  She didn’t consider nor care about how her actions affected me.  Perhaps that was MY problem and not hers.   I was so invested. I thought I was doing the right things.  I tried to be the best husband I could be.  I loved our family more than life itself.   I felt like she owed it to us to at least try to save our family.  If not for me, at least for our son. It just felt so unfair.

How could she do this to me….to us.    What’s the point of getting married if you can just walk away without trying to fix things?  How could new dick and new relationship energy (which eventually gets old) be worth destroying a whole family over.   How could one be so selfish as to hurt everyone that’s supposed to mean the most to you just for some new adventure.   Or was I just that unworthy to her as a husband that it was worth it to her.   That’s the hard part.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really did try.   But that’s the ego speaking.

On a side note:  Let’s address the elephant in the room:    If other women think the sex is good, hell she did enough to say ‘yes’ when I asked her to marry me….and I gave her the freedom to do pretty much anything (except cheat), then what other reason could she have to not even want to try to work on things?  I’ve asked and all she can say is that she’s ‘unhappy’.   Wtf does that even mean?  She can’t or at least won’t even clarify. She just shuts down and scrolls through her cell phone as she usually does when we try to have a real conversation.

Should I really value her opinion of me if she’s willing to do that without even trying?  Our values are totally different.   Maybe she just doesn’t love me anymore.  But it does beg the question of how can you just stop loving someone for no reason other than boredom.

I can’t do this again.  This is why it’s just not wise for a man to emotionally invest in a woman.   This is their nature and all we can do is accept it.   Or end up cucked or best case scenario with a woman who doesn’t care for nor respect you.  They’re too entitled to some vague notion of ‘happiness’ that they can’t even define.   They don’t feel that they should have to work for it.   It’s a excercise in futility as your whole life you’re trying to score a touchdown while the goalposts keep moving.   All the rules in football still apply with the same number of downs.  You can never get tired, and you’ll never reach the in zone.    Marriage is hell.  Perhaps the best way to play is not to try to keep them happy and walk tf away when the game gets too hard.

Do I want revenge?  You’re damn right.   But the best way is to go our here and reclaim my happiness.   I have to overcome this fear that she’ll live happily ever after while I’m stuck missing what could have been.  I fear that after lying, cheating, abusing, and destroying our family, she will still be able to come out on the other side and find happiness.

The reality in that is that it’s really not in my hands.   I can only live my best life using the lessons I learned from this shit show.




Million Dollar Mouthpiece

I’ve always admired and somewhat envied people who had a knack of being funny in conversation.   I’m not sure why, but for most of my life, I was shy.   Not painfully nor awkwardly.  I can hold my own for long enough.   But I never wanted the spotlight on me because I knew that eventually, I’d run out of things to say.   There are very few people I’ve come across where I could just sit and talk for hours (while sober) and feel that space of mental freedom and creativity.

It’s the main reason I drink so much and self medicate.   It’s why I generally stick to myself and don’t go out much.   I’m not sure why this is so hard.   I don’t feel weird around others while sober.  I’m fairly confident.   I’m satisfied with how I look.   I think I’m intelligent enough.  I make decent money.   I just don’t know why I can’t start and maintain an interesting and stimulating conversation with people.

When I come across guys who have the gift of gab, I often find myself a bit jealous.   It’s not that I’m mad that they have it, it just makes me realize how much I wish that I did.   I could be so much more successful in life with it.   When I see an attractive woman, I often don’t approach because I just don’t know what to say.  It’s not that I’m afraid per se.  It’s just that the words and ideas won’t come.

You would think that all you had to do was to start a conversation about what’s going on.   Easier said than done for me.   Even when I replay scenarios in my head, I rarely come up with something that I could have said.

It’s just English.  I’ve been speaking it my entire life.   But yet, formulating interesting enough conversation seems down right impossible when it comes to that.  I don’t even think I’m afraid of rejection.  I get that everyone is not ‘for’ me.   I realize that you never know until you try.   But still, it seems like a suicide mission because I don’t know what to say.  It’s almost like it’s a waste of time and I’d end up feeling worse because it points directly to a problem that I just can’t seem to help.

How odd is it that I can recognize humor and wit, but yet not be able to formulate it on my own?   I can laugh at funny people all day, I can follow their line of reasoning, even agree to a large extent, but yet am unable to articulate myself in that way.    It’s frustrating and infuriating.    I have yet to think of a single thing that is holding me back.   It does seem that something is blocking that part of my mind from working though.

A lot of guys think that money and looks are all that’s needed to get women.   I disagree.  Sure, it might get their attention, but you have to be able to talk.  In fact, I’d say that if your conversation / wit/ humor is on point, those other things aren’t really all that necessary.   They help for sure, but the mouthpiece part is crucial.

I wonder if this is something that can be developed.  It’s gotten to the point that when I’m drunk and in that mood, I ask myself what’s so different.   What is so different about how I feel then that I feel that I can go out and make great conversation with almost anyone?   Why are my responses to what someone says so quick and relevant?   I don’t feel out of my mind.  I still feel like me.  I can still acknowledge all the good and bad in my life, but yet something is different.   I’d call it confidence, but the confidence is due to the fact that I just know what to say.

I realize that most people don’t have the gift of gab.   But i’d say that I’m a little below average in that department.   It bothers me because I recognize it.  I hate that I’m an entirely different person when sober.   But I don’t want to rely on  alcohol.   Come to think of it, I do notice that many of my ‘gifted’ peers drink A LOT.  But there are some who still seem to have it while sober.

I used to study pickup and it made me realize that while ‘outer game’ is interesting enough.   Inner game is where the gold is.   You have to be able to generate the lines and techniques from within.   Outer game is just some guy’s outer expression of an inward feeling.  Being able to emulate the outer technique can work in the right context, but the goal is to be able to reverse engineer it.    My outer game really pretty decent when intoxicated.   But why is my inner game so weak when sober?

I made note of how I feel in my body when drunk and it’s….  I still feel mostly the same, but just a little different.  A little more relaxed.   It’s like I’m looking forward to the future.  My breathing is deep. Slow inhalations and long exhalations.    I feel excited about the future as opposed to unsure.   It’s like I can acknowledge that even though something bad might happen, I’ll be ok.   I can handle it.   I feel that way when sober, but just not excited about it.  Maybe that’s the key.  Feeling excited, yet relaxed?









Dude Really?

The wife and I had a pretty decent although awkward heart to heart this weekend where she confessed that her former lover was still trying to reach out to her.   I didn’t really dwell on it for too long, but afterwards, I began to wonder what dude’s problem is.

I mean, the guy has 3 baby mamas and 5 kids already.  In my mind, he seems to have a knack for talking women into having his kids and pretty much leaving.   From what I gathered from talking to one of his baby mama’s is that he is serial cheater.   Maybe I’m hating, or perhaps my opinion is skewed, but I personally think that he’s a lowlife.

How can a man be ok with breaking up a family.   He’s a black man willing to break up a black family.   Given the landscape of bastard children running around in our communities, how can he seriously be ok with feeling like this is ok.   Is he such a loser that he can’t find a single woman’s life to ruin.  Dude’s almost 40, doesn’t he realize that ‘love’ isn’t just a feeling….that is if he is actually ‘in love’ with her.

I wonder why my wife even entertains him and hasn’t blocked him.   For me, it’s a red flag.   While I appreciate her honesty, it still doesn’t make me feel any better as I really didn’t know if they had stopped talking or not.   Given the way he manipulated her (she’s just as at fault for putting herself in that situation) to betray our friendship and marriage over some male ego gratification kind of thing, I would think she’d be over it as it’s been over a year and she has had time to think about it.

She claims that she is, but still, why would she want to deal with a man who coached her into disrespecting her son’s father and betraying our foundational friendship?   In any capacity.   Sure, she may have gotten swept up in the ‘newness’ of honeymoon ‘lust’, but still, after finding out who this guy really is and how he played her, why wouldn’t she want to close that chapter in her life.

Dudes who break up families over their own selfish lusts in our community are special kind of wicked in my opinion.  How could she trust the manipulative bastard.   To me, he’s pathetic, but of course, me bashing him to her would probably have the effect of drawing her closer to him.   Perhaps he’s not as ‘alpha’ as I thought.   You’d think that he would have moved on by now.   He knows that I am a decent man and father to our kid.  What makes him think that he can bring anything to the table given his child support and potential back child support issues.   I overheard her talk to her friend about how ‘hatian’ men tend to want to have a lot of kids by many women regardless if they can take care of them or not.    But here she is entertaining this asshole.

I did say that attraction can’t be helped, but attraction is not love.   I told her that we can be attracted to bad people and if we act on that attraction, it usually doesn’t end well.   This guy is bad news.   Perhaps he knows what to say, but the fact that he is willing to allow his emotions overcome his principles  makes him unstable as a man.   Ultimately, he’d hurt her pretty bad.   But given his ability to manipulate her, I don’t like the idea of her talking to him period.   He’s bad news.   Again, I’m playing with fire here by saying that much, but at the end of the day, I’m trying to warn her.   For now, I should just leave it alone.   I want to call and curse him out over that, but personally, I don’t feel like it would accomplish anything.   They say not to argue with women (feminine nature), logic, appeals to reason, and morality doesn’t work.   It would be pointless.   If she asks me to then I’ll jump on the opportunity, but until then, all I can do is see the fact she’s entertaining conversation with him as big red flag to keep emotionally distancing myself.

We’re still separated and I’m out here doing my thing.   My lover is amazing, tbh, on paper, she’s quite a catch.  She doesn’t appear to be trapped in conspicuous consumerism.  No kids.  Single, smart, beautiful, successful career, well traveled, and as of now, submissive.  The sex is amazing and plentiful.   She gets my jokes and thinks I’m hilarious.   Of course, after riding the marriage roller coaster, I know that time changes things.   I’m just riding the wave for now recklessly trying to figure out how not to get too emotionally attached.    I don’t want to be in love.   I know that I need to date someone else to help with that, but damn, she pretty much gives me what I’ve been missing for so long.

I know that I’m a hypocrite, possibly due to being afraid of opening back up to my wife.   My lover knows that I am married but separated and does comment that I’m ‘dangerous’.  Flattery, I’m sure, but  I get it.   I think she’s in the same boat of enjoying our time together and trying to balance the whole attachment thing.   We promised each other that we would inform the other if one of us decided to have sex with someone else.   I’m ok with that arrangement.   Honesty has to be the foundation of any type of relationship, especially sexual ones.   I intend to keep good on my word and I’m trusting that she will too.  She doesn’t have anything to lose, she makes way more money than me so she has no reason to try to ‘trap’ me.   It feel really good to be able to trust someone.  Hopefully she won’t disappoint.

The wife and I haven’t had sex in about 6 months.   Last night, I just threw out a text to see if she’d bite.   She kind of poked at it, but didn’t come over.  I figured she wouldn’t but instead of ignoring or dismissing it as she used to, she entertained the idea for a bit.   I’m glad she didn’t though.  I don’t need that on my chest and it would disrupt the wave I’m on right now.

Why risk the relationship with my lover over a woman who I don’t trust right now?   I’m thinking that I’d rather risk it with someone else other than my wife who has proven that she can’t be trusted right now.   Besides, the emotional fallout by having sex with her could be pretty bad.   I’m emotionally disconnecting from her and I gotta keep moving forward.









You just can’t have one girl

After a weekend of shenanigans, I ended up with a cbd vape pen.   I quit smoking weed regularly nearly a decade now because I realized that somewhere along the line, anxiety and paranoia wasn’t worth the trip.   It’s just not MY drug.   And apparently, it still isn’t.

My ‘friend’ called me over last night and so my dumb ass decided to hit the vape pen before I got there.   Yes, it was as awkward as all get out.   The sex started off as great, but when the high really kicked in, I started waxing philosophical about whatever the hell came to mind.

I was stuck between being ‘me’ and being ‘high’ me.   My mind already over thinks everything, but just imagine being compulsed to articulate everything you think, because the thoughts are loud, clear, and in slow motion.   I did that and it ruined the mood.  Great for sex physically.   But horrible if you’re talking shit and aren’t on the same frequency.

Yeah, just another reason to hate myself, but it is what it is.   I actually dont hate myself for that, but I did fuck up with her and probably lost a few ‘points’ with her.   I actually give more fucks about it than i should.

It made me realize that we as men MUST have more than one girl we’re dealing with at a time if we want to keep her interested.   I’m so worried about losing her that I can’t be real and so I overthink shit too much.   That’s insecure and unattractive.   If i have two or three women and if I ‘fuck up’ the moment with one, which knowing me, it’s gonna happen sooner or later, then I’m still able to maintain my own frame without feeling afraid she that she doesn’t like me anymore.   Maybe i just have abandonment issues?  Maybe they shouldn’t be so damned fickle?

Women don’t understand that caring actually causes us to be a bit insecure.   It’s like they want us to love them, but at the same time be able to love them without feeling afraid that we might lose them.   It’s a real mind fuck.

It’s so much easier to game and stay attractive if we can walk the fuck away as quickly as possible.   At the end of the day,  romantic love does have this element of unbridled lust which is hard to maintain if you’re exclusive.   It’s too much pressure to stay your best if you really give a fuck.

Having multiple women helps keep that fear of losing her at bay, thus you stay confident.    It gives me room to wrong  with her and not be so hard on myself.   One woman just makes it too hard to not worry about it.

Being sexually exclusive whether out of necessity or choice is a real danger that we as men face.   Especially if the former is true.   The average woman can never really know that pain.  Getting laid and the ‘getting to know u’ excitement is literally one swipe away for them.

As an empathic male, it is my duty to make sure i don’t put that emotional insecurity into her and the only way is through having others on the side.  She literally feels my insecurity or confidence and as of now, it’s based on how I think she feels about me.  She is truly a reflection on how I feel about myself.   Unfortunately, it’s based on how i perceive that the treats me.  Codependence is a bitch.

I’m  jealous that I have to put in so much work to get into a sexual relationship while she can simply show up and just not be too bitchy.   Cheating and having more than one woman is truly the great equalizer.   We as men ‘have to cheat’ if we want to maintain staying attractive to her.   Yes, it will hurt her if she finds out, but isn’t it better for both of us?  Plus a woman won’t really leave you for cheating on her if she loves you.   It’s the worst thing they can do to us as men, but it’s really not the worst thing we can do to them.  In fact,  I’m starting to think that it is a necessary evil.

This experience also helped me realize that I am probably fall on the spectrum of autism socially and weed pushes it over the edge.  I literally throw most ‘social’ norms out of the window and point to the imaginary elephant in the room.   It’s insecurity at it’s finest.   It’s not fun, even though I do it and laugh at it.   it doesn’t do much to make her feel better about the situation.

I did this with my wife as well.  To a lesser degree since i was mostly sober, but over time, i could see how you end up not liking a person over that.      I get why she fell out of love.   I didn’t cheat….lol, but ironically, it’s true.  I can’t be mad at her nor me as I did act of of ignorance.

The damage is done with my friend.  I’m cool though.  I can recover if i’m just patient and let time do it’s thing.  She likes me enough, but for now, the best thing is to fall way the fuck back.   If she comes back around, she does, and even when she does, I know that I gotta get someone else on the side.   In real life, I’m too insecure to handle just one woman.  It literally has to be 3 or more to maintain the balance of not giving enough fucks to stay attractive.  Plus it’s so much easier to have her leave me over cheating than have her leaving me because she got bored or tired of my insecurity.

My three key take aways from all this are:

1)You have to cheat on your girl

2)Social ‘lubrication’ does have an element of ‘fakeness’ in it

3)Mary J is still not a drug for me









Am i broken or finally waking up?

I’m wondering if all this mgtow, redpill information is affecting me in a bad way.  I didn’t forsee the implications of all of this.   To believe that most women are not trustworthy and that finding a good one is truly like finding a needle in a haystack is a bit depressing.   The pain that came after opening myself up is something I don’t think I can ever forget.   I feel much better, but I know that something is missing now.   I know that I really don’t want to love like that again.

It has also pretty much brought me to the conclusion that monogamy is dead.   And that the only way to have a ‘relationship’ is to assume that your woman will ultimately cheat on you.   I don’t know why this is a big problem for me, but it is.   Perhaps a few more months of normalizing this idea will bring me to the point where it really doesn’t matter.

For some reason, I don’t want to get to that point.   As of now, somewhere, there is the dream that some women really won’t go out there and cheat behind my back with someone more alpha, some ex flame, or some new crush that reciprocates.

The part of the programming where monogamy is a real thing is a hard one to overcome.   If I have to share someone sexually, then I really don’t want a love relationship.   I mean I get that people like variety and all, but still.

I know sometimes, it’s JUST SEX, but still.   It’s a hurtful thing to think that the one you love in the embrace of another man’s arms.  I’ve lived through it and tbh, I don’t want that type of attachment.   To think that my entire world could come crumbing down because she decides to give another man a blowjob.   And yet, if i choose to love again, that could totally happen.  Given the way these women are acting now, it’s likely.

The peter pan idea of it not happening is pathetic.

But what do I look like, being there for her, having her back, dealing with her good and bad, providing, supporting, and sacrificing, when another man who does none of that can still get in and get what’s supposed to be exclusive to me.  Disrespect her sexually in ways she likes but won’t allow me to do because she doesn’t want me to see her like that.  Nature and psychology played a cruel trick on us.

He gets the milk while I’m taking care of the cow.   FWB seem to be the only way from here.   If i gotta share, then why put in all the work anyway?  What am I a fool?  He gets to benefit from my efforts without having to lift a damn finger….ok maybe one.  There is no honor in that.  In this case, it’s more self respectable just have the milk and let him do all the heavy cow lifting.

Let him invest and I’ll do the rest.  If other men don’t know or don’t care what their woman is doing behind their backs, then I’d be a damn fool out here knowing what I know and wanting to have that.

Perhaps sex is no more meaningful than going to a football game or taking a stroll in the park.   It’s as meaningful as we make it and it’s more meaningful when it means something ya know.   I get why a man would want to invest in a woman.  It’s a beautiful, hard, ugly, but ultimately amazing thing if it works right.

I sort of pity these fools.  I was there once.    Most husbands hearts would break if they know all the things these wives are out here doing.    They’d be disgusted.   I literally threw up when I found out about my wife.  I still can’t imagine putting another man through that even if his wife was hot,had the hots for me, and was willing to herself.   Getting cheated your wife while you love her is truly hell…and yet it happens A LOT.

As amazing as sex with attachment is, it’s really/truly not worth the fallout and the odds are in highly in favor of it ending badly.

Deep down, I still do want that 1 person still even though now that thought feels foolish, naive, and unrealistic.

Or i could just stay blue pill and pretend that this doesn’t happen.   Nah man, screw romantic love, it’s just all neurochemicals and biology anyway.   Smoke and mirrors.   The old days of monogamy are gone.   So is that type of love.  I gotta get over that desire for that kind of love.

I know it sounds selfish, but if I can’t have the monogamy, then I don’t want the hard parts of traditional love it either.

From now on, the  motto is:   “Do you, I’ll do me, and when we get together, we’ll do us …until we get tired of  doing it.”  … It’s the only way to do it these days.




The madness of dealing with a cheater

I just don’t understand the mindset of cheaters.   I’ve been reading stories on reddit’s surviving infidelity forums and I’m convinced that there must be a special place in hell for them.   Wait…I can’t judge too much based off my ‘separation shenanigans’, but I’m not separated because I wanted to be.  I was pushed into this.

Me, the wife, and our kid went to church this weekend and as usual, the Holy Spirit tailored the message for us.   This time, the sermon was about being ‘All in’.    The pastor specifically gave an example about how his parent’s divorce devestated him as a kid and it was due to them not being “All In.”

The day before, we talked about what we wanted moving forward and neither of us know at this point.   She’s been nicer to me, but still hasn’t shown me anything that would indicate that she wants to work on things.   She claims that she’s on the fence.   I don’t go out of my way to contact her and am still headed down the path of emotional disconnection. I usually try to keep it business only.   She wants to laugh and be friendly, but it pisses me off that she’s so aloof about how bad she hurt me.    Occassionally I do talk to her about my emotional state, but for the most part, I just come around to handle business and I don’t really say much to her at all.

The funny thing is that I don’t think that I’d be happy with her either.   The difference is that I never even thought that marriage was about happiness primarily.   To me, it was about growth and providing a stable home for our kids.   Sure we’d try our best to be and make each other happy, but ultimately, it was on us as individuals to find it within the space that our vows allowed.

I really don’t know how she can claim to love our son, but not be interested in making things work.   She called last night and told me that he was upset about me not living there and was hoping that I would move back in after the lease was up over there.  She told him that we have to figure a few things out and left it at that.   I really don’t understand how she could be so selfish and cold.   It’s really shocking that I really don’t know this woman.   Many days, I wish I never married her and brought our son into this. I love him with all of me and even though I’m over her as a spouse for the most part,  I would stay just so he wouldn’t have to experience that emotional pain.

How can cheaters be so freakin selfish?   How is she so ok with breaking up our family and hurting him?

I told her that I was truly blindsided by the whole thing because she never told me she was unhappy before the affair.   She tells me now that she didn’t handle it right.   At the same time, reading the surviving infidelity forums from people who went through this tells me that there is a very good chance that even if we somehow manage to work it out, she’d very likely cheat again.   Given the level she betrayed me for him, the lack of remorse, and tepid commitment to possibly working things out, i’m thinking it might be him again should she reach out.   It doesn’t matter that she tells me that she now ‘realizes’ that he isn’t a good person.

I love my son, I’d consider doing more work to meet her more than halfway, but she isn’t the type that I can trust.   I don’t get how we can agree on so many moral issues.   How she can actively dislike R. Kelly, talk shit about cheaters on the reality TV shows she watches, but still be the way she is.   Man, this chick is crazy.


History repeating itself

I knew the day would come when me and she would have to part ways.   I never knew how it would happen, but I always knew it wouldn’t be a forever thing.   We never placed any expectations on each other, except honesty to each other about fidelity.   No rules, no strings, just let each other know if we had sex with someone else.   No hard feelings.

I had hoped that we could maintain that promise.   But I realize it is  a pretty tall order.  I believe she broke that.   It doesn’t feel off, but the holes in her stories are starting to make me give pause.    I think I’m getting in a little over my head and so it’s probably time to fall back because it matters to me.    Given what she’s told me about her past and what i’ve been able to gather from her present.   There just too many red flags to continue.   It really is a case of it being me and not her.   I can’t handle the emotional aspect of it and I don’t want to be that jealous guy.    My own history has shown that I must be a magnet for these chicks.  I’ve read this story before.  It’s the story of my life.   Funny how history has a way of repeating itself.   She is like a combination of all my ex’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I judge, but not out of a feeling of superiority.   I wish the best for her.   I just know that I’d be a fool to get attached.  Especially when I know that it isn’t going anywhere.   Oddly enough, this has been the story of my love life.   We start as a fling, to fwb, to let’s try this, to it seems pretty cool….then, almost on queue the disrespect, unanswered calls, questionable missing weekends, cheating and inevitable break up.

Followed with a break period, us getting back together, and then dysfunction until one of us moves away.   Happened 3 times already.   The process takes about 3 to 4 years.

Oddly enough,  I never expect anything at first.   Hell i already see/saw the red flags.  I wasn’t foolish enough figure they wouldn’t be problematic in the long run.   But you keep having fun, hanging out, fucking,  and the next thing you know…..emotional attachment.  That’s the part I never seemed to anticipate.

My wife was the only exception to these long term things, but that’s a shit show now.

I gotta think with the big head this time and not the little one.   I’m not mad or angry at her.    I just know her nature.  I’ve dated her before.   Without any prospects right now, I gotta do what’s best for me and fall back.  That’s the hard part.   While  I did miss the intimacy, sex, and attention that I wasn’t getting from my wife,  it will come at a price if I continue down this road.    Hopefully i won’t go all let’s fix it with my wife.   I’ve come too far to emotionally detach to turn back now.   I hope this doesn’t interfere with my progress.

Fortunately, my lover did relieve me from some of the pressure of obsessing over my wife.    Life’s a lot easier if i’m not thinking about her.   But it’s stupid to replace one problem with another one.   I would save myself a lot of potential heartache by distancing myself at this point.

I already know what I need to do.    Just time to do it.

Man, screw that.  Who walks away from a free paycheck?  Shit she gotta fire me.

Purposeful Awareness

We are not our thoughts nor our minds.   Our mind is a tool.   We are no more our thoughts or minds as we are are cars even though we drive them.   Many of us have the car on autopilot without the GPS set.   We’re just reacting to incidents on the road.  We have to gain control of the car by being conscious of what we’re doing.   We have to be conscious of what we want.

One way to describe an aspect of consciousness is awareness.   Awareness is being.

Many models of the mind say that we have a conscious and subconscious mind.   The conscious is what we’re aware of in any given moment and the subconscious is things we can know, but not presently aware of.

A simple example is the internet.   This page represents your conscious mind, but the rest of the internet is like the subconscious.

Breathing is a subconscious act that doesn’t require you to think about.   It happens like a background process needed for an operating system to run.  You can however move your awareness over to breathing and control it if necessary.   Certain processes in your body can function in this way.    Some are on all the time, such as hearing, seeing, balance, etc.    They are so critical to life that they normally don’t turn off.  Others are so vital to your survival that you can’t move your awareness to consciously control them, such as blood flow direction or liver processes.

We won’t worry about those processes that we can’t control.  Those are a part of our biology or the machinery of this body.   Many people also call it the subconscious.  There is a theory that nature is a part of this super-conscious field that permeates everything in life, but that’s beyond the scope of this article.  Let’s keep it simple for now.

To avoid confusion, let’s just call the aspects of our biology we can place awareness on and control to a degree our unconscious mind.   I’d consider the unconscious as a subset of the subconscious mind.

The unconscious pretty much contains the mental, emotional, and processing areas of our minds.  Feelings, memories, and senses are also a part of the unconscious mind.  If i asked you to suddenly become aware of the feeling of your elbow, you probably could.   Before then you were unaware so therefore unconscious of it.

That said, there are unconscious processes going on all the time.   When we drive, we don’t take much mental note of how much pressure we’re putting on the gas, brake, or steering wheel.   It sort of automatically happens.   That’s a good thing.  Many things in our lives are under unconscious control.   We don’t need to think about walking or running in order to just do.    The problem is when we put too many aspects of our lives on unconscious autopilot.

We have the ability to put ourselves and regulate our moods consciously if we put effort into it.   Often times, our moods and feelings are regulated by how we feel about the thought of something.   The conscious mind is a subset of the unconscious mind.   It is under our control.   It is what we’re currently aware of at any given time and it can move to any other area of the unconscious mind simply by willing it to.

Neurological pathways connect sensory, thought, memory, idea, and feeling to one another in a network or cluster of sorts.  If the think of cold for instance, we can think of snow, memories of being cold, pictures of the arctic, our kitchen freezer, cold showers, etc.     All of those ideas however can be attached to a feeling or other memories.  When ideas and memories are unconsciously linked to feelings,  recalling these ideas or memories can create a states in our bodies that create anxiety or excitement or whatever feeling all without us knowing.

Given that thoughts crop up and disappear all without us being aware of them, the feelings linked with those thoughts can often leave us in a bad mood or feeling anxious without us knowing exactly why.

This is why being present and grounded the moment really helps if you find yourself constantly nervous or anxious.   It’s why we can often make big deals of nothing.   It’s why we can manifest things into reality for ourselves that we didn’t want.   We’re unconscious of what we create.

Thoughts and feelings create our reality.   I’ll go over how in a future article.  For now, just understand that awareness can be controlled.   Too often we just don’t do it and rely on autopilot.  Being present is the art and practice of controlling our awareness  to a desired state on purpose.