Collapsing in

I had a conversation with STBXW last night where we were talking about the future. (She still hasn’t sent me the divorce papers). In it, I told her that at first, I was really upset about everything, but now I come to realize that it doesn’t matter who she is seeing now. I know the truth and while she may fool them. We know what happened between us. And that in the end, I shouldn’t feel bad because it isn’t like I’m losing a good woman anyway. And that despite what she thinks about herself, a good woman wouldn’t have singlehandedly destroyed her home, betrayed her husband, and disrespected her son’s father for dick and attention. And….seeing the importance of our family to our kid, would have tried to at least fix it before burning it all down to the ground…..for dick, attention, and selfish reasons.

I’ve been working on trying not to get emotional with her, but she called on video phone and while talking about issues related to kiddo….I asked to see the air-bnb she was currently residing in. She declined saying that she felt I was “fishing” for information. I wasn’t, but this is how the whole conversation about it not mattering to what she does as 1)i’m powerless to stop it and 2)she’s doing it anyway came about.

Despite my words and her not having a rebuttal, I am wondering if she’ll ever regret it. I don’t think so. Even if karma comes and kicks her in the face with a steel toe boot, she won’t regret doing this to me or our family. She either feels justified or has lied to herself enough to not think about all the implications.

This is what scares me about modern women. Their seeming ability to shut off any reasoning, ration, and logic if it interferes with how she “feels” about something. You can’t reason with a person like that and the only way I know to get to them is through physical force. Obviously this isn’t a good idea for many reasons. But as men, if we can’t reason with one another or one is acting too emotionally, there is always a threat of physical violence. We call men who act like this “bitch ass niggas” for a reason. Dudes like this threaten order and generally aren’t tolerated too well in men’s spaces for long. One is expected to be able to control his emotions and rely on reasoning to justify his behavior. Otherwise a fight might just ensue. But i digress.

It’s like modern women really want marriage, but it doesn’t really mean to them what it means to me. It’s just another experience to them. For me it’s supposed to be a life long thing. It’s about fighting through the ups and downs and figuring out a way to make it work. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about us and our family. The does not give one party the right to rest on their heels because “I got you now”. But it means that we are to work together because divorce is the nuclear option and that only comes when one person really isn’t holding it down after repeated attempts to get them to tighten up.

Their attitude it seems is that we’ll give it a try and if it doesn’t work, then oh well, on to the next one. Why would I want to enter into such an arduous and long endeavor with a person who’s commitment is tepid at best. Nowhere in the vows does it say that my commitment is valid until I’m no longer having fun, someone better comes along, or I’m bored. Many don’t understand honor and true commitment. Love is just a feeling to them. Usually based on attraction or superficial reasons.

They are just too flaky for me. To me, marriage is about commitment and obligation. It’s about giving more than receiving and being ok with that. Not saying that the giving should be one sided, but I think that the expectation shouldn’t be that it’s going to be all sunshine and roses. They feel that they should reserve the right to give up and quit because they don’t feel like doing it anymore. Yet, they will work their 9 to 5’s and do whatever necessary to bring home that paycheck….even if they are miserable at it.

Ironically, my homegirl doesn’t see the irony in this and wonders why men like me are not really interested in committing to a woman. She says I’m wasting time by not committing. I say that a woman with her mentality is wasting man’s time because somewhere down the road, the odds are that she’s going to discover that marriage isn’t the finish line. It’s just the beginning. It’s an ultra marathon and not a 40 yard dash.

I don’t think that most modern women are built for marriage. Not one that lasts anyway and many exude the red flags that indicate they would make terrible life partners. STBXW isn’t alone in her mentality and it seems that the rise of “independent” women is actually more detrimental to the nuclear home than anything else I can imagine. Independent western women are selfish, self centered, defensive, arrogant, and hard to get along with in an intimate space because they feel they don’t need you. You’re just an accessory to them. Simps who will take them on due to their beauty or due to the fact they are lonely despite their poor dispositions and immorality makes it worse. Society today is breeding materialism and narcissism. It seems that most modern women (and many men to be fair) are buying into it hook, line, and sinker.

Some call me bitter, but ever since I took the red pill, I don’t think I can see most women the same again. It’s really like waking up out of the matrix. I don’t really believe what most of them say….not that I think they are lying per se…. but I think many believe what they say in the moment, but when rubber meets the road, they are incapable of standing on it. They lie to themselves, believe the lies, and when exposed, they simply blameshift, deflect or simply lie to others. They take no accountability and are perpetually playing the victim card despite their own poor choices and selfish behaviors. Many are very much like grown children from that aspect.

I’m starting to see why men in the past didn’t trust women much or want to give them much power. It’s not like they are less capable from an intellectual perspective, but their selfishness and dedication to themselves above others make most of them incapable of being trusted with power. If nuclear families are the building blocks of a civilization and independent women generally destroy them when given power, then it’s not really surprising the society is collapsing into degeneracy and chaos. It won’t be outside nations that causes the collapse of civilization, but the modern independent woman and her sworn dedication to the pursuit of her personal happiness (another fleeting emotion) at the cost whoever stands in her way.

It could be worse?

I came across an article this weekend that more accurately describes STBXW. I think that emotionally immature is a better way to describe her actions. There are some similarities between narcissim and emotional immaturity. But the main difference is that I truly don’t believe that she intentionally is playing games for domination or power.

I think that she really lacks empathy and the ability to see the bigger picture. She lacks self reflection and even though her intent may not be malicious, she cannot understand how her actions affect others. She doesn’t truly understand higher principles like honor, respect, and family values. Some people are just like that and unfortunately, I didn’t vet her enough to figure this out.

That said, I judge her, but it’s unfair in a way. It’s like judging a blind person for being unable to see. Their lack of vision doesn’t make them a terrible person. Just not good for certain jobs. I have to take responsibility and understand that if i should ever fall in love, I need to make sure that we are on the same page. Looking back, I never thought she was a deep person, but since we’ve been estranged, I have come across certain women (not many, but a few) who I think would have been better suited for marriage to me.

I think that we were in love with each other at one time. But I don’t think that we ever had that deep soul connection that I would yearn for in a lifelong partner. Looking back, there were times I felt dissatisfied at the things we’d disagree on and wondered how she thought so differently about things. Examples include her wanting breast implants, her not understanding the importance of putting the marriage over her friendships, she feeling the importance of putting kiddo in a private school, despite us living in one of the top public school disctricts, her lack of transparency with her income, her feeling a certain way about “loaning” a small amount of money to family members in need, her desiring an expensive house beyond what we could afford at the time…..and so forth. To me, she seemed more concerned with living a lifestyle than a life. More concerned about the house, than the home so to speak.

Now I cannot judge her for her preferences in any of those things. I don’t have a problem with her wanting those things, but I probably wouldn’t have ‘wifed’ her though….as our values and beliefs are so diametrically opposed. But because I was dedicated and very much ‘in love’ with her, I was willing to overlook those things. I did not anticipate that those preferences indicated something deeper that would ultimately break us apart…..and because our connection wasn’t really that deep, communication wasn’t that strong, and values unaligned, we were unable to repair any breaks or fissures in the relationship. The only glue holding us together at this point is our love for Kiddo. If not for him, I’m sure we both would have moved on without looking back.

This is the danger of being ‘in love’….it can blind you to the reality that you’re really not all that compatible with a person. Once that feeling wears off AND if your values don’t align, it’s just a matter of time before misery enters in and both parties feel dissatisfied. In our case, she fell out of love first, checked out, and attempted to move on without me. It hurt and felt disrespectful because I was her husband and to make matters worse, because we had a family, I couldn’t just walk away. Her affair was likely an exit affair…..and it left me alone, angered, bewildered, and bitter due to the fact that it seemed that as my world was falling apart, her new “in love” feeling guaranteed that she didn’t care about how it made me feel. I felt reject, dejected, emasculated, abandoned, and discarded. It was as if she didn’t care about me, how I was there for her, our family,history, or friendship, my self dignity or the fact that I had never done her wrong. I just couldn’t understand how she didn’t value our nuclear family and could simply walk away into another man’s arms….as if it all meant nothing.

I don’t know if I am wrong for this, but during the worst times of my suffering, I felt that I was more upset about losing our family more than I was about losing HER per say. I think that I loved our family more than I loved her…though I did love her and would do anything for her. But the idea of losing her was something I think I could have handled much easier. But the idea of how to tell our young son that the life we had was no longer going be just crushed me. Love comes and it goes, but family….. man that was hard….and though we haven’t outright told him yet, I think he knows that the writing is on the wall. He has to know, now that he’s a bit older that something just isn’t right.

In her waywardness, she has now become a stranger to me. I barely know her anymore, but from what I do know, I don’t think she’s the type of woman I’d wife again. I can’t see how I could fall “in love” with her all over again. Our incompatibilites are just too apparent, there is too much water under the bridge, and though I do find her somewhat still physically attractive…..that attraction is superficial. I don’t find her appealing from a mental, spiritual, or emotional level. I think she can sense it now, though she probably doesn’t care…..I used to think that once I emotionally disconnected, she’d come back…..but it’s been so long and now I don’t think so. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen and there is no way back for us. The connection is gone.

The part now is working through my anger and trying to get over the fact that she hurt and disrespected me destroyed our family so callously without remorse or repentance. I have to overcome this desire to want to see karma or revenge against her. The desire to prove that she was wrong for this and should take accountability. Yet in the end, it seems that this desire hurts me more in the end as she continues to live her life as if she has done nothing wrong….feeling nothing…..and believing she still deserves an ending befitting of a ‘good’ person. This tells me that she just isn’t right for me. Perhaps this was a lesson. Maybe it was my karma that I’m burning off. Maybe I deserved this for something I did in a past life or something as I truly don’t understand what I could have done to deserve so much pain.

But the reality is that people go thru worse shit all the time. Parents lose kids. Close people die. People catch terminal disease or suffer with life long health conditions. Abject poverty is out there. Kids working for pennies in sweatshops. Millions of Jews experienced the holocaust. Many of my ancestors experienced slavery and jim crow and all the bullshit that went along with that. The great depression happened. The black plague happened. Genghis khan. Pol Pot. Jeffery Dahmer’s victims and their families. Wars happen and people lose their homes and ways of life. We dropped a nuke on hiroshima and nagasaki….911… Southside of Chicago….. Hong Kong…..North Korea…..Ukraine…..There are people dying of starvation……people get abducted, abused, raped, sold into slavery…….millions of people throughout history have lived dreadful lives and died in fear and pain…..

In short, all sorts of evils befall man… many who don’t seem to deserve it. And many would lose a limb to swap and go through what I’m going through instead. Tbh, I’d rather go through this than any of those things. Most other aspects of my life are pretty good and for that I am grateful and truly blessed. I’ve been a pussy about this. I’m not special. As my grandfather used to say, “thank God it is as good as it is.”

Breaking the Chain

I used to hear stories about how women in physically violent relationships often went back to their abusers. I chalked it up to them being stupid and never thought much further about it. After researching narcisstic abuse, I’ve learned that people become addicted to their abusers based on trauma bonds. Again, not saying that STBXW is a narc (clinically), but she does have a lot of the toxic traits associated with them in relation to me. So, in addition to the fact that we have a child together, my desire to protect him as much as possible from the fallout of splitting our home, and a possible trauma bond that developed, it shouldn’t have been surprising that this has been a long journey for me.

I think I’m getting closer to the apathy level. Between the stories about terrible ‘wives’ who abandon their families and modern talk panels that feature selfish modern women’s views on how their happiness supercedes the well being of their families have helped me realize that this is a common occurance and that I’m not alone. On a side note, a guy on one of the panels summed up what I’ve been wanting to articulate succicently. He said that once his child was born, life wasn’t just about him anymore, it was about the well being of his family and children.

This directly opposes the ‘modern selfish woman’s’ view that she has to be “happy” before the child can be happy. These types of women aren’t interesting to me insofar is starting a family with and are “for the streets” in my opinion. This revelation is important to me because it helps further disconnect me from STBXW. In the movies, these types of women don’t change until they are much older in life. It’s like they cannot see how their selfishness affects others and frankly don’t care. This representation of them also aligns with the notion that narcissists never change unless they get help. Despite her actions, STBXW doesn’t think that she carries those traits…..even when I confronted her with videos, descriptions (that align with her behavior), and stories….she seems to either be dismissive or uninterested. In short, she’s a lost cause.

The next step is obviously to detangle the loose ends as she’s never coming back. While I don’t see marriage on the horizon anytime soon, I need to get the divorce because it does limit my options as far as getting a wife. I used to worry about what if she finds someone else, but now I realize that she’ll be their problem. Good luck with that. And even if luck is on her side, then

As for me, I don’t want to run the streets and have random hook ups. Even though I don’t know how a woman can actually benefit me directly, I do want to love someone exclusively and possibly have another child or two. Next time though, I have to ask better questions and be careful to not fall for a pretty face and pleasant demeanor. Covert narcs live in those spaces.

For the first time in a long time, I’m actually excited about the future and the possibilites of a better life. I know that there will still be a few more rainy days, but it does look like the skies are clearing up and I can feel the sun from behind the clouds.

Missing Flags

I still don’t see how I missed the red flags with STBXW. I think this may be a reason for my trust and insecurity issues. She just didn’t seem like the type of woman who would be on that type of time. Here are the things that put my guard down around her:

She didn’t go out much. She wasn’t loud and abrasive. She doesn’t party a lot nor drink too much or have drug issues. She didn’t seem materialistic insofar as buying expensive brands. She dressed pretty modestly. Didn’t/rarely wore makeup. No weaves or wigs. She had been cheated on in a previous relationship, so we talked pretty extensively about how terrible it felt. She said that she did not want to raise a child in a single parent household. Her male cousins told me that she is a ‘good girl’….and I was lucky to find someone like her. (i didn’t ask, nor need their approval, and they had no incentive really to say such things if it were not from their perspectives). She didn’t seem selfish as she would sometimes drive an hour away to visit me, wake up the next morning and drive directly to her job. It seemed that she was really into me.

The only things I can say that kind of gave me red flags was that in the beginning, on the weekends, she sometimes didn’t answer my calls…..but we weren’t official yet and i chalked my doubts up to possible insecurity. She never really contributed to deep questions about life so we never had really deep conversations. But I figured it was just me overthinking things as usual….. and usually, she’d just listen when I went there. This wasn’t alarming to me as I don’t expect everyone to be interested in talking about things like that. She wasn’t expecting or feel entitled to me buying her anything or taking her on dates. She didn’t mind just spending time doing whatever, as long as we were together. She was really sweet and I remember thinking that she might be a little naive. I thought it was endearing though and I felt that I needed to protect her in certain ways.

Looking back, parts of her story didn’t make sense. Like, she had led me to beleive that she and her ex fiance had been broken up for a few months….yet she was still working on getting money back from a wedding reception. But then again, that could happen. I never considered the idea of me being a rebound though….I didn’t think about stuff like that back then.

Between being attracted to her as ‘my type’ physically, the ease at which our conversation used to flow, and not seeing any major red flags, I didn’t stand a chance. I was head over heels and felt for the first time in my life, I’d move heaven and earth for this chick.

This is a scary proposition because what on earth could have caused her to completely switch up on me like that. Granted I may have not been perfect, possibly could have been more ambitious and a better leader….maybe I was too beta OR either too far gone (in love)……but I’d think that even if she fell out of love with me, she had the moral fortitude to either communicate her dissatisfaction and gave us a chance (for our family’s sake) OR she would have divorced me for x,y,z reasons. I know I treated her right, even if she wasn’t happy with lack of ambition (which I didn’t know at the time).

The cheating was unnecessary. The humiliation she put me through was overkill. The lying and betrayal seemed so far out of my perceived character of her that I was completely blindsided by it.

I’ve never been a jealous man or at least I never try to display it….unless jokingly to keep it spicy and start up some shit…..but usually it’s clear that I’m just joking….I’m act no more jealous of my lover than I did with her…..so I don’t think this was an issue.

A few concerns, looking back is that I do believe that I did love her a little bit more than she loved me. The day I was going to propose to her, I asked her….”do you really love me” a few hours beforehand…..and she sort of looked at me asked why I was acting so weird before confirming that she did….I don’t know why this stands out to me for some reason. Another was that I didn’t learn about her “best male friend” until after we were married. I had no clue this guy existed. Maybe she mentioned his name once or twice, but she never said anything about it being like a best friend or anything. Maybe a good friend she grew up with, but I don’t recall ever having a conversation about him let alone meeting him. He didn’t stand out at all as a threat until I caught them texting “I love you” in a few of her text messages. But this was a year or two into the marriage.

She dismissed it as just him being her best friend and I told her I felt it was inappropriate. She agreed and agreed to stop. Her aunt vouched for the guy when I asked her about him, but I still remember thinking it was strange that he wasn’t invited to meet me, or come to our wedding, and didn’t visit our son until many years after he was born. For a “best friend” this seemed strange to me. When I brought up why she didn’t invite him to the wedding she said….because she didn’t want him to “act up” because his relationship has just failed. It never made sense to me either, but I trusted her so didn’t really press too hard on it…. but I always had suspiscions about this guy even though I didn’t say too much about him.

During her affair, she moved to New York on a travel assignment and started acting really strange right before she left. I guess she forgot to sign out of facebook messenger on my phone and I started getting notifications from some guy. At first I thought he had the wrong person and I was going to text back, but then I noticed the bubbles by her name meaning that she was on another device texting back. In it, the guy was being very flirty and she was responding back in kind. This threw me for a loop. I let it go on for a while to see where she was going with it. I waited until she returned from NY and confronted her with the messages and she apologized…..saying it was nothing, just some innocent flirting from an old friend she saw at a party in NYC. I didn’t even know she was going out to a party….anyway that’s another story….long story short, her changed behavior and lack of transparancy led me to do something I promised I wouldn’t do which is read her diary which she left behind.

In it, she confessed to sleeping with her “best friend” a year or two before all this went down. In it she said that once she slept with him, she felt that her feelings for me had changed. She realized that she was ‘unhappy’. I hadn’t noticed a change in her…..but I did notice that sex between us in that past year seemed….i don’t know….different. Like we were both not as into it. I remember once we were doing it and I had to turn the TV off because I wanted to finish watching while we were doing it and it was distracting me. We didn’t seem as connected, but I chalked it up to just being married for a long time. I also always had a higher sex drive than her, so around the end, when she started rejecting me for sex, i wasn’t too alarmed until it happened a few times in a row. We went to counseling over that and that’s where she got the idea to start journaling.

Her “best friend” wasn’t her affair partner though. So by the time her AP rolled around, this was the second time she cheated on me. I just didn’t know about it. That same year, before all of this went down, she finally did invite him out to meet us. She had slept with him by that time. How fucked up is that she invited that man to our home, had me shake his hand, and let him pick our our son after that. Why the fuck would she invite that guy to our home knowing she had sex with him while we were married? I didn’t find out that she slept with him until after the fact, otherwise, he definitely wouldn’t have set foot across my doorstep.

Between this betrayal, the way she brutally cheated with her first affair partner, and all the lies that I’ve caught her in since then…..She’s like a totally different person. Her mentality has changed completely and I don’t recognize her anymore. She’s no longer that beautiful woman that I married. She’s colder, more manipulative, and deceptive. I’ve caught her in so many lies, that I really don’t ask anything that she may have an incentive to lie about because, who the fuck knows if she’s telling the truth or not. She’s more argumentative and combative. More secretive. I know snooping is bad, but I had a bad case of it at one time. I’ve learned that she apparently doesn’t mind playing side chick to a guy with kids. As far as I see, both of her longest lasting APs had main girls and children with them, yet she knowingly and aggressively pursues them…..even to the point where one asked her to stop texting him so much. On a side note, I saw a comment on a video once that said, noone pursues you more aggressively than a fat or cheating married woman. I can confirm. Duly noted.

I’m often wondering, how the fuck did I miss all the red flags…..or did she just change. This worries me about future relationships. The close family and friends who know who supported me throughout this say that they didn’t see this coming from her….though my closest cousin told me he that he could tell that it seemed that I loved her a little more. Based on how her family interacts with her, I’m pretty sure they’d be surprised if they knew the truth about her. From what I can tell, they all loved me and thought I was a great husband and father. They told me without me having to ask. So yeah, I honestly thought I was doing a pretty decent job.

The worst part in all of this, for me is that she never really offered any explanation nor a real sincere apology. She hurt me to a traumatic level….way more than anyone ever has. She has caused me more pain than I’ve ever felt by far. Had me wanting to end it all because I just wanted the pain to stop. It’s taking longer to get over this than I’d like to admit….

And it seems to have had the effect of not wanting to trust anyone with my heart again. I don’t think it is fair to the next woman……but with no apparent way to distinguish the good from the bad…..I don’t know how I could ever just trust or want to be in love again

Protection or Insecurity?

My lover and I had a real discussion on about what it would look like to be in a relationship as she’s starting to pressure me to either shit or get off the pot so to speak. She tells me how when she’s on business or school trips, she goes out to parties or clubs, get very drunk, then handles her business the next day.

I told her that if I were her “man”, I don’t think I’d be very comfortable with that. In my opinion, it’s not a good look because if she gets drunk/sometimes black out drunk…..who knows what can happen. Cheating is a deal breaker for me and I don’t care if it was an accidental….oh i got wasted, we were having fun, and the next thing you know, we ended up hooking up. My thing is that even if you didn’t start off with the intention of doing that…. a few drinks, a few intimate moments, fun times, mixed with alcohol can lead to spontaneous sex. Worst case scenario is if a guy decides to take advantage of her. I don’t like the idea of her willfully placing herself into temptation nor into a vulnerable situation. Even though I don’t like her doing that now, she’s single and I don’t have any right to say anything about it. I haven’t said anything in the past outside of (be careful) because I feel as if I didn’t have the right to and I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression.

But I told her that if I were her “man”, I wouldn’t like that and was using that as an example of how things might change if we were to get into a committed and serious relationship. She didn’t take that well and implied that I’d be acting insecure if I were to be that way. She says that I, as her man, should trust her. … and this is where she does indeed raise a good point….although i do disagree.

Perhaps it is insecurity. I don’t want to be cheated on. What if she were to get pregnant or catch an STD. If she did wake up in a druken haze next to someone after a heavy night of drinking….realizing it was a “mistake”…would she even tell me. For me, it’s about not putting yourself into temptation or placing yourself in vulnerable situations. It’s about respect. Who wants to known as “that guy” who wifed the party girl that seems easy.

The catch 22 is that she mainly looks at it as me not trusting her or fearing that I’ll get cheated on. I asked how she would feel if I was out getting wasted with colleagues of both sexes and out partying and drinking with them. She said that as long as it was a mixed group…..she’d be ok with it. But, I asked….what’s /who’s to stop any two or three people from separating from hooking up on the low. What if in our drunken state, one of the girls asked me to come to her room for whatever…..we’re alone, we’re laughing, we’re in a good mood, and we’re drunk… beer goggles and everything. inhibitions down….. My biggest point is that we shouldn’t put ourselves into temptation like that.

As a man, I feel that part of “protecting” her is to prevent scenarios like this from happening. If the roles were reversed, I think I’d understand why she’d have concerns about this. However, maybe she truly wouldn’t. And maybe I am insecure. She doesn’t have the baggage of savagely being cheated on as I do.

Maybe this is further proof that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to be together. Maybe I do need more healing. If I get a woman, I need her to be my peace, not a trigger point of doubt. But I also know that if a person wants to cheat they will and make it look like they’re not. Still though, why put yourself in temptation. I know that I cannot and should not attempt to change her behavior. If she wants to party and get down like that…and I know that’s just who she is….it doesn’t seem right to expect or require any different out of her.

I really wanted to convey that I think it’s a bad idea to put yourself into temptation….especially when in a committed relationship…..but I think I came across more as saying I’d be insecure. Based on previous conversations dealing with married women she knows, it seems that their husbands are actually ok with this kind of behavior. For me, I wouldn’t want a girl or wifey who engages in this type of behavior. I think it’s disrespectful, reckless, and dangerous. I mean an every once in a while, I might be ok with it…..but with her, this seems to happen more frequently than I’d be comfortable with. Perhaps a man who is ok with this behavior would be more well suited for her.

If it is indeed the case that I am being insecure about this though, then maybe I need to rethink the standards I hold myself to. Maybe it is ok to put myself into temptation. I think that if I am wrong, a part of me wants to rebel. I fear that part of this rebellion is that I want to prove her (and people who think like her) wrong…..put myself into temptation, and fall for it….just to say that I was right.

I would perhaps be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in the process. I could give myself a pass because….after all…..they all said that it should be fine and they were wrong. This would be intellectually dishonest though. Ironically, my level of temptation would likely increase because of my ego wanting to tell everyone…see I told you so. This would actually make it worse if I were to fall because I feel that I “knew” better while they just didn’t get it.

These types of questions really help me further realize that we really are better off as friends…..and if she wants to take things to the next level, then it would probably better if we part ways. I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong, but neither do I think I am.

Maybe I am insecure. Maybe cheating shouldn’t be as big a deal as I make it. And if this is the case, I mean if noone else thinks that it is…..then why be faithful. I’m only handicapping myself. Maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them. As long as I treat her right and make her happy we’re good.

What good is honesty anyway? If I cheat, she doesn’t know, and she’s happy, then she’s good. If I don’t cheat and yet, she’s unhappy, she’s bound to leave anyway. If she finds out, she becomes unhappy and probably wants to leave. But if she is THAT unhappy about it, it would cause me to question if I could trust her….even if I did break the trust…it is broken I am free to leave as well.

My dad cheated on my mom….a lot…and it really hurt her and maybe that’s another reason why I am so against it. I told myself I’d never do that to someone. But really, maybe it isn’t the end of the world. Why does it matter anyway? Life aint always fair so IF i do it to you, you can choose to stay or leave, but if you do it me, then most likely …. I’m out. Perhaps we dont owe each other anything including fidelity, but even if we give each other our “word” then so what.

If I gotta hide some shit sometimes then so be it. Maybe I need to update my views on relationships in general. Maybe it really is all about my happiness and I should take a page from STBXW, it’s only cheating if the other person finds out. Like i said, if she were to find herself in a “oops” situation, I seriously doubt she’d tell me. She’d likely justify keeping it a secret by saying that it “meant nothing”.

That’s a lot to have to digest. Maybe it would be better if I could find someone with more similar views to me on this. If this were the only issue we didn’t see eye to eye on, then maybe we could work something out. Am I being insecure…..maybe, but she’s not helping. I just don’t see how it’s beneficial to have me worrying…but me worrying is a reflection of me….mostly afraid of getting cheated on again.

I don’t know, maybe I should just assume that everyone does sometimes and just go for it myself. As far as this issue goes, asking me to trust her on this is like asking me to trust a drunk person to drive me from here to there safely. While they may be able to handle themselves behind the wheel drunk, I just don’t know.

I was going to wear a seatbelt anyway.

Maybe I am the asshole for this one

So I’ve been seeing my lover for the past 5 going on 6 years now. In a couple of years it will be about the same amount of time me and STBXW were ‘good’ in our marriage. Time really flies. I’ve been for the most part faithful….minus a slip up in the beginning with STBXW and she has as far as I know….minus that one time she went out with that douchebag… been faithful……

But it’s been a lot of time and she obviously wants to…..scratch that….been wanted to move on. I’ve never told her to wait on me. I just asked that she be honest. In order to get away from me, she moved back to her home town. Now my dumb ass is flying to see her every month or so.

I see her as a good friend. I really do adore and love her…..But I don’t think I’m in love with her. Not in the way I was with STBXW. In the past, I never really felt like I was ‘in love’ with any of my ex’s b4 stbxw….. but I grew to love them and we usually ended up moving in together or something. They cheated. I was faithful. Always been the faithful/good boyfriend type. Just never been really ‘in love’…… The irony huh. I was hurt when they did it, but it didn’t really hurt that much.

Looking back, i remember feeling like it was just time to end things…..I didn’t care to work it out. I just remember wanting them to leave. The sadness remained for a week or two…..I was never bitter though.

I’m neither proud nor ashamed to say it, but my relationship goal before meeting stbxw was that I wanted two or 3 cool baby mamas. That song changed after it met her.

I was heartbroken when STBXW gave me the classic….”I love you, but I’m not in love with you line.” I don’t think I could ever forget that day. I remember going outside to get some air and then dry heaving all over the driveway. So I guess I could say that I was truly in love with her.

That said, given my experience with being “in love”…. I don’t care to do that again. I’m cool with just loving someone and having them love me back. That said, I never wanted to marry any of my ex’s. And I really can’t see myself marrying my lover….or anyone else for that matter. Not that I want to go back to stbxw. I really regret the day I met her….but at least I have my son so it wasn’t all for nothing.

The lack of being “in love” however does present a bit of a problem for me since I don’t have the motivation to “move heaven and earth” to be with her. I like doing nice things for her and I do like putting a smile on her face. I do adore her and i imagine it would hurt if we call things off. But as with most of my ex’s…. tbh, I always figured things would end sooner or later. Maybe it’s my insecurities or maybe I just never really trusted women like that or maybe I just didn’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. Besides, for some reason, I always had the inclination that this would end any day now for the past 6 years.

It started off as a hook up, turned to fwb, turned to damn we still talking to DAMN WE STILL KICKING IT. She has been there with me through a lot and did help me regain some of my self esteem after the marriage fiasco.

This leads me to NOW….where I’ve been hearing and seeing that men shouldn’t “lead women on”. I never really thought about the fact that I could be leading her on. I always figured she would eventually leave or get bored or tired or find someone else. I never led her on in the sense of making future plans with her. We did both say that we were being reckless with our hearts. I think that she likes and adores me too. And the sex is amazing. But in the end, I don’t know if we are really compatible enough for marriage. It’s all fun and games, but based on … well a lot of things…. I don’t know if our differences could be enough to fulfill her in an actual relationship relationship.

I’m good. I’d like be ok with marrying someone I’m not “in love” with. I don’t think I need the tingly ’emotions’ to be a good man/husband. As I said before, i was pretty content in my other relationships and even though I wasn’t in what I’d describe as “in love”….I did love them and didn’t feel the need to be with anyone else at the time. But I believe that women operate a bit differently and I think her “love” for me may be based more on being “in love” than actually loving me. Even though I was “in love” with STBXW and I beleive she was “in love” with me…..looking back, I don’t think she actually loved me…..so when the thrill was gone….so was she.

Because I’m not exactly planning for our future….and I know that she wants marriage and kids before it’s too late…. and maybe she loves me more than I thought she did….. maybe I should let her go. Like, she wants to take things to the next level and I’m pretty good where I am.

From what I’m hearing….5 years is an awfully long time to be ‘seeing’ someone and not progressing the ‘relationship’ to the next level. I don’t know what would even look like. I have a wife that I don’t even want. I’ve been there done that and not trying to do it again.

This has made me realize that I really need to be more adamant and clear about NOT wanting to FALL IN LOVE. Not wanting to be in a RELATIONSHIP…. and NOT seeking marriage…..unless otherwise specifically stated. Shit man, this sucks because I am starting to feel like I did waste her time. I was having fun, enjoying our friendship but naaah. As usual, she (women) want more. Why can’t she just leave well enough alone. Maybe have a kid or two….but nah….her reputation wouldn’t allow that.

Perhaps I am toxic now. But if not wanting to be “in love” makes me toxic, then I’ll be the radio active man.

How is she the prize again?

I was thinking….maybe I am a bit more arrogant than I thought. I mean, I really don’t see the use for a woman in my life. My friend was asking if the only use I have for a woman is sex….and after really deliberating about it…..I gotta say yeah.

I was in denial at first about it. But now that I think about it….outside of sex and intimacy, what use is she of to me. I can cook. I can clean. She isn’t really taking care of me. Her money is her money. I could for the most part deal with that. But, to me the juice really doesn’t seem to be worth the squeeze.

What I mean is….the return upon investment seems nil. It’s too much work involved. They’re too needy. I don’t own a pet because they require too much work and I’m afraid of getting too emotionally attached. But at least with a pet, you don’t have to worry about getting EVERYTHING right to keep their loyalty.

With a woman you have to be there for her emotionally and spiritually. You have to keep her entertained. You have make sure the sex doesn’t get stale or boring. You have to take her out. Wine and dine her. Take her on trips and vacations. Valentines day, birthdays, just because gifts. Keep her socialized. Put her in her place without being too “controlling”. Give her love and affection, even if you don’t feel like it. Do things that you may not necessarily feel like doing to keep her appeased. Go to counseling if she feels unhappy. Try to read her mind and make sure she’s just not saying she’s happy. You become responsible for her happiness. Do right and be a “good boy” then she might give you a little head for your birthday.

Like all this extra stuff for what? Pussy and a little cuddle time. Then if you fail in keeping her happy, she’s just gonna leave, cheat and say some stupid shit like she cheated because she was unhappy. Then society blames you for not giving her what she needed if shit goes sideways. Or they call you a simp or sucker. If she disrespects you, you just gotta walk away and face the fact that you weren’t “man” enough to keep her.

Seriously, what do I get for all this work and all of this risk. I’ll wait…… a pair of socks for father’s day? A woman who’s sex drive gradually fades until she either stops giving it to your or she’ll give you some pity pussy out of some sense of obligation.

Relationships are WORK to maintain and it seems to me that the man is expected to do the majority of it…..yet in a twist of irony, 9 times out of 10, she’s the one who wants it. Then again, perhaps I would too if I was only required to do the least while she put in the heavy lifting. 80% of divorces are filed by women but of those 80% I wonder how many of those husbands felt pressured to “shit or get off the pot” so to speak.

Wanting a modern woman is like wanting a pet tiger. Expensive, they are needy, and if you aren’t careful, they can seriously injure (if not kill) you. These modern women aren’t help meets anymore, they’re more like trophies. The more I think about it, they should be considered expendable. A man is to them. Why be loyal to a person who sees you as not much more than a means to an end. Why give love and devotion to a person who basically sees you as a utility? The conditional nature of her ‘love’ for you is like working a job.

Perhaps Kevin Samuels was right…..”high value men” don’t cheat, they exercise options. If he has made himself desirable to many women, then he should be able to have many of them. This comes down to the fact that the reason WHY she wants him is ONLY because of what he has. If he lost it, then she probably wouldn’t want him anymore. So, while he has it, why should he be loyal to her?

If her love, loyalty, and devotion comes with a price tag, then perhaps a man should be able to ob

Yeah Right

I did a google search on “why do people feel that they deserve love.” In a twist of irony, the entire front page results was full of titles saying “why do some people feel like they don’t deserve love.” Am I really that damaged? I don’t think anyone DESERVES it, but it’s nice to have if you’re looking for it. Well I mean love in a romantic sense anyway.

I don’t know that I deserve that kind of love. Or rather I don’t feel entitled to it. Maybe because I’m convinced that the romantic kind of love doesn’t exist in an unconditional state. I think it’s very much temporal and has more to do with how someone feels about you at the time. While it is nice to have the feeling that someone desires you, it’s not something one should base their esteem or feelings on because….like most ‘feelings’ they are subject to change.

My friend and I seem to be unable to resolve our dispute about the nature of love in a romantic situation. She seems to think that if a man doesn’t want to marry a woman, he’s just wasting her time and using her for sex. Her favorite quote is “if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kat.” I think you can love and respect someone in a sexual context, but not feel like you need to be with them forever.

What the fuck does she mean by “wanting her”? It seems so nonsensical to me that I can’t even articulate what she could possibly even mean by that. Like want her for what? To be with? I guess. But for what though. Like to have in your life? I can’t imagine desiring someone to that point. It seems foolish because that sort of desire to want to be with someone gives them too much power over you. Like how possessive to you have to be to desire someone that bad and how narcisstic do you have to be to want someone to want you like that. I was about as “in love” as one could get with STBXW and trust me, I cannot find a single redeeming reason for it being a good thing….other than to serve as a warning to not do that again. I mean, I don’t believe it gives me a license to do wrong by someone because I’m not infatuated … but just saying. What is she talking about?

I love the people that I love right, but I wouldn’t describe it as ‘wanting’ them. What the fuck does she mean. I had a half hour text convo with her on the subject and I’m still lost as all get out. So I’ll ask google.

I think she probably means that she wants someone to be “in love” with her. She wants a guy who is infatuated with her before she gives it up. That makes sense. If she longs for that feeling. To me, it’s a power play. I personally believe if your give that to woman, you are sacrificing a lot more than they realize. And once she actually realizes that you are indeed “in love” with her, it strokes her ego. Perhaps it makes her feel “worthy”. She should be careful of lovebombing narcs as they could take advantage if they play the game right.

On the other hand, because I’ve been in love with a woman, I understand the sacrifices you’ll do for them (which usually favors them), and it’s not so easy to turn off. Even if they fuck you over. I think they want it for the power they feel over you, but once they have it….. well, absolute power corrupts absolutely. She’s also subject to take out all her trauma upon you because she knows that she has you and you’re not going anywhere. Once she’s gotten her fix … or healed…. she’s subject to discard you if you’ve taken too much disrespect from her and she’ll start to look for greener grass elsewhere. She’ll see you as weak and lose respect for you. Once the respect is gone, so is the love, and she doesn’t give a fuck about what you did for her or would still be willing to do. In the end you really don’t matter to her. I stand by the notion that a woman loves you until she doesn’t.

They say that you can either love women or understand them. I learned that the hard way.

The bible says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Legend has it that Christ took on all the sins of the church and faced the torture they had coming to them….some legends saying that he went to literal hell before his resurrection. I wonder if this isn’t a suggestion to potential “husbands”, but a forewarning of what happens if you love your ‘wife’ as christ loved the church. You’re going to take on all of her trauma, go thru hell (emotional torture), have her reject you, betray you, spit on you, and deny you in the end…..all because you “love” her. The key to getting you to that place of “love” is being “in love”/in infatuation with her.

Could be a stretch, but that doesn’t sound too appealing to me. Yeah, I’ll love, but stall me out on that being “in love” infatuation shit. I’m still clawing my way back out from the hell STBXW put me through. And she doesn’t appreciate it. Maybe it makes u stronger, but shit…..I’m still trying to get over her bullshit. Despite understanding her nature now, it still won’t just shut off and it’s been a struggle every day to deal with the invasive thoughts, anxiety, fluctuating emotions, and all the other bull that comes along with it. Jesus dealt with it for 3 days. I’m still here 5 plus years later trying to figure out how to completely free myself. I hate it here.

Different Values

I had an interesting conversation with STBXW over the weekend which gave me more insight into how she processes things in the world. In short, I came away from the conversation fully convinced that she is indeed selfish AF.

The question was if I thought it was ok if she decided to take kiddo on a vacation, but not invite me if I couldn’t afford it. The context was if she and I were not ‘estranged’ from each other. Her argument is that why should she pay for me (or her husband) to go if he couldn’t afford it. She says that it wouldn’t be fair for her to pay for the majority of the trip and if I wanted to go, I would either figure out a way to make more money or not go. She then asked if it would be fair to require her to pay my way.

My rebuttal is that I suppose that maybe it wouldn’t be fair to require it. But it’s kind of fucked up that she’d feel that way. For me, it’s about reciprocity. How would it look if the shoe was on the other foot and I decided to take kiddo on a trip somewhere, yet my wife couldn’t afford it. What would it look like if I told her that since she couldn’t pay her way, then she couldn’t come. Especially if I could afford it. In my view, if we couldn’t all go, then we can’t afford it. To me it’s about family…..every member included (on that type of trip) or none.

She then tells me that the man is supposed to be the provider, but if he decided that if that’s what he wanted to do with his money, then it was his right to be that way. Perhaps she needs a man who thinks like that.

This does directly oppose my view on things. As a man, I make money so that that my entire family can benefit from it. Not just me and our children. My wife is also included in this. In addition, because (in my case) I actually do pay 50% of the bills, this does allow her to be able to save that money that (if she were single) she’d have to spend on mortgage/rent, utilities, healthcare, food,etc…..which allows her to be able to afford the vacation in the first place.

But even if I wasn’t paying 50% or if she could still afford the trip regardless…..why would she feel that it’s ok to leave her significant other behind on a ‘family’ trip. For sake of the conversation, I did concede that one s/o wasn’t entitled to the other’s money. But if you’re married, I think that you are. The courts and law seem to feel that way. And in principle, I think that for the most part, you are. You are ONE as a family….not saying it’s wise or ethical to take advantage, but you are entitled to it under the law. If I wanted to be a dirty a**hole, I could just take her debit card and run up the money in her account…..even if it wasn’t in a joint account. Obviously that would be immoral, but still, I’d have the right to do it.

Either way, it shows me that she isn’t a team player and for her, though we were married, she felt that it was still a every man for himself type of situation. This mentality, along with her lack of morality insofar as betrayal, infidelity, and cheating is concerned is further proof that she just isn’t a good WIFE. … at least for me. She could (and did) take advantage. To me, she’s for the streets….in deed and in mentality. One cannot enter into a marriage with a selfish/me first mentality and expect happiness. One has to (imo) be a giver more than a taker.

I know that opposites attract, but I wonder what a relationship with two givers would be like.

I did tell her that her selfishness in the matter plays out in her immoral actions. On some level she HAS to know that infidelity and betrayal is wrong. That her ‘every person for himself’ mindset somehow contributed to her actions. Even if she felt ‘justified’ in her mind, she KNOWs that somewhere it is wrong, even if she can’t really explain why. I do realize that she probably won’t get it nor see a correlation, but it makes perfect sense to me. Selfish people do selfish things. Selfish people don’t care about how their behavior affects others. Selfish people will throw you under the bus to save themselves. And selfish people cannot thrive / be happy in a relationship where they feel they are sacrificing for others. Even if both parties are sacrificing for the greater goal of a shared interest. In this case, our nuclear family.

I don’t want my son to grow up thinking that her values are good. He should know that people like that exist though. I don’t know how to teach him, expose him to hers, without making her out to be the bad guy and affecting their relationship. Another reason I know that she’s wrong for this is that i personally believe if I suggested we both present our cases to him, she’d refuse to do so and probably say something along the lines of it’s none of his business.

This woman needs therapy, but she doesn’t believe it in spite of her hypocrisy. Despite being unable to stand on or defend her counter arguments, she still chooses to leave her beliefs unchanged or unexamined. How do people like this grow into better people? I think she’s too old at this point and is set in her ways. Unless she hits rock bottom, she’ll continue to live in the selfish world of non self reflection, self gratification, materialism, and shallowness. They say you can’t tell a black woman over 30 with money shit. This unfortunately seems to be true. And if this is the case, how the hell can you lead such a stubborn person? Especially if you don’t have any leverage against her. You can’t leverage money, morals, ethic, reasoning, logic. You can’t beat her ass. The only option left, is to leave. She’ll only dig her heels in even deeper if you stay….and continue to be stubborn at the cost of your mental health and self dignity. I’m left with no alternative…….Sorry kiddo.

I viewed her as someone she isn’t and in many ways, blamed myself for it. I fell “in love” with who I thought she was, but either she lied or I was projecting, probably a little bit of both…..but either way, she isn’t who I thought she was. The woman I fell in love with wouldn’t / couldn’t have that mentality. I fell in love with an illusion. When the illusion died, I held on the the ghost of that illusion which was personified into who she really is. The discrepancy really fucked with me mentally.

But i am letting go. Not sure why it’s taking so long, but time heals all wounds. Just wish the remaining time would fly by.

Leading On

My friend and I have been having discussions about how FWB situations tend to be a big time waster. I argue that failed relationships are. She says that she believes that one should leave relationships that no longer serves them. My response is that the end result is the same. Wasted time. For the record I don’t really think either are wasted time. Both can be learning experiences and I also see them kind of like a vacation. You know that it will end sooner or later, but from my perspective, you’re just not attached to the idea of living at the the destination forever. Eventually you’re gonna go back home (singleness).

Lately though, I’ve been hearing about how it’s bad to lead people on. My lover has been more adamant recently about wanting to take things to another level. I’ve been confronted with the idea that maybe I am wasting her time. I adore her and I love her in many ways. But I don’t think that I want the responsibility that comes along with an actual relationship. We make good friends and lovers, but there are certain things about her behavior that concerns me. Perhaps I am wrong because I do like the attention and it feels good to be wanted by someone. Things seem to be progressing between us to the point where saying “love you” has started slipping out and “babe” has turned into “baby”. It’s been about 5 years and somehow despite not wanting to be “That Guy” who drags a woman on without planning on marriage….. Here I am.

She does have some accountability in this as well. I’ve never told her that she couldn’t date or see other people. At times, I wonder if she does, but so far, either she hasn’t met anyone yet or things just didn’t work out between them. It’s not a good look for her though. I’m sure that her peers have questions. She also has friends who have met their spouses after we met and ended up married within a year or two. We were joking the other day that we have been seeing each other for longer than Kardashian marriages have lasted. I’m starting to feel the pressure to “shit or get off the pot” so to speak. I wouldn’t mind showing her off and letting her meet the rest of my friends and family…..but a few complications arise.

The fact that we see each other in short bursts kind of keeps things fresh between us. I think it’s the main reason as to why the sex hasn’t become stale. We also aren’t doing real life together and getting on each others nerves. This is bound to change if we were to do the natural thing and move in together. Based on our differences in what I know about her, I don’t know if we have what it takes when the lust factor wears off.

There is also the fact that even though I wasn’t intending for things to get this far, she is a rebound of sorts. I hadn’t really gotten through STBXW’s betrayal. Though we are estranged and have progressively become moreso since her waywardness began, we are still married on paper and haven’t really sat down and discussed issues like custody. We both share the blame as I have tried several times, but she isn’t really good a planning or confronting difficult conversations. I think she knows that she’s at a disadvantage despite being the woman. The reality is that I hold all the cards. While she does have more ‘freedom’ to move around and what not. Because I have been the primary caretaker in our child’s life in the past few years and it’s easily proven, I have a really good shot at receiving full time custody of kiddo. Her being the primary breadwinner would also pretty much assure that I have a good chance of receivng child support….as opposed to me having to pay it. Perhaps this is another reason she’s dragging her feet in the matter. Essentially though, as of now, I do come with baggage if I were to take on my lover. Plus, my son’s ignorance on the matter would make things seem weird and I don’t know about introducing him to my lover. For some reason it feels like a sort of betrayal. Me and his mother haven’t handled this well. But as the man, I feel that the responsibility is mostly mine despite my lackluster attempts to discuss things with her.

Another thing is that if she were my girl, she’d have to change her behavior. If I’m honest, I’m not comfortable with the fact that my lover does travel a lot for her job and her school program. The travel part is fine, but while out, she is a ‘party’ girl who likes to get drunk and party all night. This is a bit concerning to me because I know she gets flirty and if the right circumstances come along, it’s a recipe for random hook ups. I haven’t really addressed it or put my foot down on it because despite not wanting something like that to happen, who am I to tell her what she can and cannot do as far as that goes. I told her to just be honest about if she does. But you know how that goes. If she were my girl, I could find myself losing sleep over it. Plus people tend to want to do the thing they arent’ supposed to do and she may feel more temptation to hook up with randos if we were in a committed relationship. TBH, I don’t think she has so far, but I haven’t put it past her.

The other big factor and this speaks to my fear of not being enough for her in the end. It’s all fun and games when I’m just the guy who spends the ocassional weekend with her….but if we were to actually become a ‘thing’ her friends are bound have questions about my economic status. I do ok financially, but she and many of her friends make way more money than me. I’m ok with this for now, but I wonder how she would end up feeling about it in the end. We’ve had the conversation before and she says she’s fine with it. She seems down to earth insofar as believing that money comes and goes. She said “I could lose everything tomorrow”, but I’d like to have someone by my side who has my back. It sounds good on paper, but I don’t think she has actually factored in the social pressure. She does have another freind who’s husband is a cop. I think he probably makes around what I make, maybe a little less considering they live in a major east coast city. This friend does make some major money though, so maybe it won’t be that bad.

Still though, I can’t afford a big wedding nor an expensive wedding ring. Given her proclivity to like ‘nice’ things…..and she may be able to afford the costs, I wonder if she would build resentment in the end.

But despite the timing of all of this and my concerns, I am wondering if I am indeed wrong for all of this. Things just seem to be organically moving in a certain direction. I’m not ready and I believe my concerns are legit. Perhaps I do need to really sit down and discuss these concerns with her.