Positive Expectation

Next to self amusement, (basically the ability to make yourself laugh and have fun without the validation of others) is another powerful concept that the PUAs like to call positive expectation.

The simple explanation is that you get what you expect out of any given situation at any given moment.    If you expect things to go well, then they will and if you expect weirdness and awkwardness, then there you have it.

Expectation works on a meta/subconscious level at times and it really ties into to how you feel.    It’s almost as if manifest the conditions to confirm your feelings.

The key here is focusing more on WHAT YOU WANT as opposed to focusing on WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.


Fear what?

Lately, with no modafinil, and very little alcohol in my system, I’ve been noticing that the former fears / problems of my youth seem to slightly creeping up again.    Social anxiety is what they call it even though, I don’t really like to call it that.

It’s strange.  I don’t really feel a fear of people, i don’t think i really care about being judged negatively by others, and I don’t really feel afraid on the inside.   I just noticed that I feel a bit, self conscious.    Now, come to think of it, I did relapse on the no fap commitment over the weekend.    Confirmation that it really does work.    I have been doing it for so long, that I got used to that area of confidence in my life.

That said, I do feel a bit of anxiety about not being able to “think on my toes” as quickly as I’d like to.    This has nothing to do with nofap.   No fap doesn’t seem to make me more sociable, funnier, clever, or more witty, but  I at least I seem to feel more ok about the lack of that ability.

I saw two woman today and didn’t talk /flirt with them.   Of course, I rarely do anyway, but still, today it felt a bit weird because deep down I felt that I should have said ….something flirtatious.

Maybe i just don’t know how.   My conversations seem to be either dry, matter of fact, simply small talk or deep political/philosophical/religous discussions.    I can usually get by on those on a day to day basis with most people in my life as the time of my interactions with them are usually very limited.

But i do wish that I had the lowered inhibitions that alcohol seem to offer.   Oddly enough when on modafinil, I can talk all day and am not necessarily funny or witty, so it seems to mask the lack of lively conversation.

I have to admit that I am a bit jealous of people who have/ can flip those conversations into something clever or witty.    I don’t have to have Mark Twain one liners ready all the time, but at least some of the damn time.   I don’t know if most people have this ability or maybe it’s just that my mind only focuses/remembers those who do.    I don’t really watch interactions that most people have with others (outside tv or the internet) so i can really say if I’m just average/normal in that regard or not.

I assume they have witty/clever things to say or have “personality” with most people they interact with.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this.    It’s been 40 years on this earth you’d think I’d have this figured out by now.   I mean, how can i lower my inhibitions and self consciousness so that I can just flow freely.    I don’t really ‘know’ my own personality.

From what I’ve gathered, it seems just spontaneous.  Almost automatic.   Like walking/running/putting on a shirt or what have you.  You don’t think about it, you just do it.    People just don’t concentrate on “say this” or “I should say that”…..it’s like, they just say it.

They say to try not to be in your head.   And i don’t.   I don’t have anything to be nervous or anxious about, my mind is blank.   And i do beleive that for the most part, most people’s are.    But it’s as if a spark or something hits them and boom.   Full expression of their personality and if they’re good, it’s funny clever and appropriate.   When i try to do this, I end up saying something stupid or lame.   No….not even like u can play it off…..just stupid and lame.

I saw a neighbor in the store the other day:

Me:    Aye what up bruh

He:     Hey man, I almost didn’t recognize you.   What u been up to?

Me:   Man just trying to get away from all these folks in the quarantine (as i’m walking into the grocery store)….looking all scruffy becuz i can’t hit the barber shops.

He:   Yeah it’s crazy.

Me:   Yeah man, take it easy bruh.

It really didn’t bother me and outside of being kind of a stupid thing to say at the time, as I was actually going somewhere where people were, i dismissed it as acceptable (barely).    At the time it felt awkward and forced, but in retrospect, it was probably not so bad and i know that he probably never gave the conversation a second thought.

I met this girl today at the rim shop where I went to get my tires fixed.  Yeah, she worked there and was probably being a little more flirty to try and make a sale.   Ok, not flirty, but i felt that she was feeling me a bit.  It’s hard to explain.  You just know.   Either way, in my mind, I wanted to say something funny to make her laugh and …. NOTHING.   I had nothing.   I didn’t make it weird or anything, I just kept it surface level, business as usual.

This is the crux of the problem.    Having nothing to say, I say nothing.   I could force it and regret saying something stupid.   I could have asked about her job or something.  Driving lyft has helped be be better at asking questions (it’s been a while, so maybe i’m a little rusty?).    Either way, i wasn’t really trying to go for friendly, but rather funny.

Pickup teaches that self-amusement is the key to all this.   The ability to entertain yourself and feel good about it at the same time is a primary takeaway that the best pickup artists i’ve heard speak on.

Self amusement seems to go out of the window at times though….especially if i’m stuck in the every day grind of life.  Truth be told, i often forget to just have fun throughout the day and im instead passively listening to youtube videos while doing my work all day.

Maybe i gotta work on that.







What’s going on here?

There seems to be a sort of gender war going on and noone really knows what the hell is really going on.

On one hand, you have so many single women (in the atlanta metro area anyway) who say that good men are hard to find.   On the other, you have a ton of single men who say “women ain’t shit.”

Are all the “ain’t shit” people ruining /scaring all of the decent people off the scene?

Here’s the way that I see it.   There could be a way that both sides are right.   It can be summed up quite simply.

Women are horrible at picking men.

They say that a person is only as faithful as their options.    I believe that this is partially true.    The more options one has, the harder it will be to maintain faithfulness over time.    Actually, it’s options and opportunity and that’s just the beginning.

The red pill idea of the 80/20 rule perfectly explains why women think that most men “ain’t shit” and have a ton of options when it comes to women.    For those who don’t know, it’s speculated that 80% of women are attracted to only %20 of men.    Or you could also say that 20% of men are getting 80% of the women out there.

Chances are very high that the women complaining are dealing with or are interested in a 20% man.    The other 80% are essentially invisible to them.   Those guys are the friends, neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. who pass them on a daily basis, but who aren’t attractive enough (physically, financially, or personality wise to garner a second look.)

20% men aren’t necessarily horrible people overall, but there are certain personality traits that are very common in this demographic.    These often (but not always) include narcissism (often seen as high self confidence),  machiavellianism (seen as dominant/ “big dick” energy”), and psychopathy (seen as cool under pressure, social intelligence).     You could research “dark triad to further clarify these traits.

In an ironic twist, the very things that “attract” them in real life are the very things that end up burning them in the end.    It’s the classic moth being burned by the flame analogy.

What’s even more confusing (to them and many blue pilled men) is that women often cannot or will not admit that they are actually attracted to men with those characteristics.

If therefore, they find themselves mostly attracted to and in love with men who share those characteristics, then it’s really no wonder that they think that most men ain’t shit.  It’s what they experience so it’s what they know.

They assume that most men are 20% men because they men they’ve dealt with on that level are 20%men.   Again, keep in mind that the 20% man has no problem with getting women’s attention, thus cheating isn’t really a problem for them.    In fact, the characteristics that attract them in the first place is the reason why they have no problem with cheating/lying/running around.

Outside of the 20% are the leftovers:

There is another segment of men who aren’t in the 20% who would probably do the same things that a 20%er would if they had the chance.   These men are usually blue pilled simps,   I’d say that they are overall average guys.     I can’t be sure what percent of the population that is, but i’m pretty sure the number is high.    Let’s call them self average joes.

You can tell these guys by asking their expectations of women.   They usually follow the instathots on instagram.   They are the guys who’ll do anything to get sex.    They lie to get sex.   They’ll sleep with their friend’s girls.   They have no problems with sleeping with married/taken women.  Don’t mind being a side dude.   They are the thristy dudes in every baddies dm.   They fall for the thirst traps.    They don’t realize that they are lacking, but will cling on with dear life to a woman if they get one while cheating/or attempting to cheat in the process.    Like the 20%, his confidence is really high.   That alone is enough to get him some women.

Another subset of guys are the incels.  Short for involuntarily celibate.    These guys are socially awkward, have bad hygiene, and poor dispositions.    They may or may not have confidence, but either way,  they are often ignored based on either their sense of entitlement or victim mindset.   They are, for the most part, unattractive overall in both appearance and personality.    While many may be smart/intelligent or excel in certain areas, they are just off putting to be around.   The more confident they are (often armor for their insecurities), the less they are willing to self reflect.    They are quite vocal in their judgement of others while they seem to ignore their own flaws.

Another set is the once bitten twice shy men.   I think this is where the MGTOWS and redpill camp come in.    They’ve been burned by marriage or relationships.   I think that many good guys are in this camp.   They were probably just like the average joes in stature, but they really wanted to be good guys in their relationships.    These are the family guys who’s girl ended up breaking their hearts.    They are usually more introspective and laid back, but are generally honest and fair.    The thing that makes them unattractive is that they are boring and can be quite predictable.    These are the men that women say that they want, but end up cheating on.

After being broken hearted, these guys tend to take a hands off approach to romantic relationships.    Many are the emotionally unavailable types, but can be quite loving and charming when together with a woman.    They don’t have all the ‘game’, but are decent overall.    These guys would make good fathers and often good lovers, but something (too boring maybe?) cause women to end up losing attraction to them.








Well cuck me then

I’m such a pussy when it comes to my family it seems.  For some reason, I just can’t find it in me to be the one who leaves.  Perhaps it’s the innocence I see in him right now as kid.   I know that other kids go through and survive their parents splitting up.   But how toxic are those households?

We don’t really fight that much and he loves us both dearly.  From all appearances, at least to him, things aren’t that bad.   And truth be told, they aren’t …. at least surface level.   As a man, I feel it’s my obligation to carry the burden and it isn’t my right to leave because of something as pussy as emotional distress.   Maybe that’s how I was indoctrinated and if that’s indeed the case, society did a great job (from an effectiveness standpoint).

I guess some people will understand and some won’t.   I’m not a glutton for punishment even though I could see how others might say that.   I’m not a martyr and I don’t expect any sort of recognition for sticking it out.   It’s like working out or running, minus the satisfaction of getting the results.   But it’s something that I might just have to do.

He’s a child.  I had 35 years so far of a pretty decent life overall.   I had my fun.  Not to say that the end is here as far as that goes, but it is my responsibility.    I made my bed and maybe I have to lie in it.

I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to love her as much as I once did.  I definitely don’t trust her….and as far as I can see, I have no real reason to.   She’s not a horrible person to be around, but given that I don’t want to be in love with anyone anyway, what do I have to lose?  Great sex is good and all, but can I really break his heart over the fact that I won’t be getting as much sex?

She trapped me.   Better yet, I trapped myself by setting this whole scenario up.   I shouldn’t have gotten married, had a family, and promised to keep it.   I didn’t run down all the possible ways this could play out, but as they say, the only 20/20 we’ll get is in hindsight.

I don’t understand how it’s just so easy for other people to just leave their families.

I understand the consequences if I do choose to stay.   That it is very likely that she’ll cheat again, possibly end up leaving, and his heart will be broken anyway.   That I will have wasted this last part of my prime years.   That he’ll never know the sacrifices and pain it took to for me to stay.    And that’s ok.   I’d have it no other way.   He deserves a family.   As broken as it is, it feels like it’s all on me to give him the childhood he deserves.

And that is reward enough for me.



Time to split or get off the pot

Time is quickly winding down until the end of lease date.  From there I’m going to have to determine whether or not to stay married.  Man.  This is so hard.   I really don’t want to disappoint/hurt my son.   He really is clueless as to how bad things got between us.   It also seems that I’m going to have to be the one who pulls the plug.

Never get married folks.

I don’t think that the wife is carrying on any affairs right now or it would seem that she isn’t really entertaining anyone.    At least, she isn’t tethered to her phone all the time and seems to want to spend more time to hang out.

The problem is that I don’t love her like that anymore.  I was wondering if I could fall back in love, but I really don’t want to take the risk.  I don’t really want to fall in love with anyone at this point, so it isn’t really her.     In addition, she wants us to purchase a house that’s outside of an amount I’d be comfortable with (we can’t really afford it), even if we were on good terms.

At one time, I would have just caved in.   In the name of “happy wife, happy life.” I would have tried and done anything just to keep her happy.   Now, not so much.   I’m not even sure if I want to be married…..let alone on the hook for paying for “too much” house.

She wants to vacation, she wants a nice house, we’ll need new cars, and her solution…..well, we can start a home business, get additional part time homes….etc.  Her friends and family co-sign with the idea.

Look, I’m no financial guru, but I know that overspending for your “dream” house sounds like a recipe for disaster.   Due to the fact that we’ve been on bad terms for the last 3+ years due to her affairs and not giving AF about it, we haven’t been saving, budgeting, nor preparing for this.    We’ve been on the fence about staying married, ignoring important conversations about the future (due to her stonewalling and dismissive behavior), and now suddenly she want to buy a house together?

I need to make a decision and stand on it.   I feel hypocritical that I am in violation of my vows for better or for worse.   I used to say that marriage isn’t about how you feel, it’s about making the best of a situation you vowed to do.   You bring the energy to the relationship as opposed to letting it control you.    Yet this is hard.

There is so much water under the bridge.   So little trust.   No sex.   We’re on different pages about pretty much everything when it comes to finances.   It’s just not a good place to be in.

Even if i convinced her to move into a cheaper home, she’d probably end up resenting me for it.   Plus, I really don’t want to be a position of helplessness as she’s proven that my feelings/respect/emotional well being aren’t worth sparing in the name of her happiness.

This short sided decision to buy this house despite me protesting and laying out reasonable, logical arguments is just another reason to cut the cord.   Am i being unreasonable here?   It seems that I”m always in a lose/lose situation when it comes to her.

Stay and be hurt or leave and hurt the kid.    Cheat and lose the high moral ground or get no sex while she cheats with no fucks given.   Violate my vows or sacrifice emotional well being.   All these tough decisions over someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about me like that!!!

Damn.  I always thought that being “unhappy” was not a good reason for divorce.   But maybe i need to rethink this.

Her excuse for cheating was that she was “unhappy” so I figured that it was wrong to destroy our family over that.  At least without trying to fix it.    Maybe that’s why I’ve been struggling with this.   The difference is that she never told me that she was unhappy nor ever gave me any reasons as to why.   To me, it sounds like she just wanted to be with someone else….or either thot around for a while.   While I can’t blame her for how she felt/feels, I can blame her for how she treated me.    I didn’t deserve that.

As for me, I think I have legitimate reasons.   She’s given me plenty.

I mean it isn’t like I suddenly got attracted to someone else and made up excuses as to why I’m unhappy.    It isn’t like I haven’t expressed things I’d like for her to change.   She KNOWs why I’m unhappy and didn’t do a damn thing about it.   It wasn’t even like those things were acceptable behavior towards a person you claim to love and care about.

Betrayal, threatening to take my kid away, and just leaving me destroyed while she fucked other men…..throwing it in my face, despite my tears and pain, and leaving me out to dry….. in spite of never telling me she was unhappy before doing it.   She didn’t worry about how this would affect me or even our kid as long as she was getting her sexual/emotional fix.

She did admit that she felt like she humiliated herself with doing those things her ex affair partner told her to do to me, but even IF that is the case, how could she respect me at this point?  How could she ever have respected me?

There is too much water under the bridge.   At this point, I’ve violated my vows (at least the fidelity part) anyway.    Despite me doing what I felt like I had to do.  And it seems to have helped (at least temporarily) the acute pain I was in…. i think cheating helped me lose the personal attachment which was hurting me so bad.

I know that you shouldn’t point the finger before looking at yourself first.   I have and I know I wasn’t perfect.   But I was always there for the family.    I never violated her and would have done anything to make her happy or at least try.

Yet for some reason, it feels wrong to have to be the one who does this.




Should you cheat in sexless marriage?

I was reading in a Craigslist forum about this guy in his 50’s who’s wife hadn’t given him sex in 8 years.   All adult kids.   He loved her and didn’t want to divorce or break the family.  He claims to have asked her to go to counseling in which she refused.  Took her on romantic vacations, and even bought her a boat that she wanted.  Still no sex.   In fact, he further went to say that she didn’t even want to cuddle him.   He claimed that he didn’t necessarily want sex from that all the time, but just missed the intimacy….yet she refused him even that.

He was wondering if he should look for someone in a similar situation who didn’t want to break her family, but would share an intimate relationship with him.

The responders flamed him.   One claimed that if the couldn’t get it from his own wife, what makes him think that he could get it from someone else.   Another said that he shouldn’t try to buy his wife off with trips and gifts.  Yet another said that it was his bed and he should lie in it.   Someone even said that it had to be his fault somehow, that he couldn’t have been listening to her.   All seemed to agree that he should either deal with it or just divorce.

Of course, going through it myself,  I have a different take.

Noone seemed to acknowledge that his wife is being selfish as fuck.   Sex and intimacy is a very important aspect of an adult’s life and without it, we can suffer tremendously.   He has tried different things and she refuses to try and help him fix the situation.   His decision to stay in the marriage has less to do with him and seems to be more about not wanting to hurt his family.   It would appear that the commenters didn’t acknowledge that fact.  People who love their families the most often suffer because of it.  This man has sacrified a huge chunk of his happiness and well being only to get shitted on by this selfish ass woman…. all in the name of love, loyalty, and dedication.   But I suppose that this is expected of “real” men.

Her decision to not have sex isn’t due to any medical condition (at least diagnosed) and her refusal to give him any or even attempt to figure out her lack of interest is mean spirited.  As far as I can tell, she is a sound minded adult (at least legally).

If I refused sex and intimacy to my wife and gave her no real reason, how could I expect her to remain faithful.   How difficult would it make her life?  How would it affect her self esteem?  How much of a dick would I have to be to make her choose between destroying her family and fulfilling her desire for sex….especially when I have the power to fulfill that part?  Could I reasonably expect her not to cheat or be seduced by someone else?   She should at least allow him a pass, but for some reason, I’d suspect that she’d lose her shit, demonize him, and take 0 responsibility for pushing him out there.   The divorce would be acrimonious and he’d end up losing almost everything he worked for.

She put him in a lose/lose situation where if he did divorce (on the grounds of no intimacy and sex)….his reputation is damaged and his kids would be hurt.  No doubt he’d try to protect his wife’s image and no doubt she would even acknowledge her faults……or if he cheats and gets caught, the same situation applies……..or he could remain in the sexless marriage with a wife who doesn’t even want him nor try to fix the issues between them.

The best option is to cheat and hope for the best as either staying or leaving guarantees negative outcomes, but he could possibly not get caught cheating.   And if he does get caught, the consequences are pretty much the same.

People say that there is no justification for cheating….and to me,  that is a short sighted answer.   In most cases, I’d agree.   But in the cases where the spouse/so is just being an asshole AND you have a real reason to stay in the relationship (kids, financial obligations….etc.) I think a case could be made.    At least as long as you let the affair partner know what the deal is.

If the wife in the case KNOWs that this is hurting her husband and she refuses to do anything about it, it shows an incredible lack of sympathy on her behalf.   It’s as if she’s punishing him for doing the right thing.    I can’t believe people feel so entitled and selfish as to punish their SO and deny them something so important simply because they have the power to do so.

Communication is key here and there are two sides to every story.   But I’ve read enough articles where women have confessed that they are no longer attracted to their husbands and refuse him sex simply because they just don’t feel like it… or are attacted to someone else.   They say they KNOW it’s wrong, but they don’t care.   The wife’s refusal for help in this situation makes me think that she falls into that camp.

While leaving is probably best for the couple, people often forget that divorce can be emotionally, financially, and economically devastating to all involved….not just the kids.

In all honesty, I think the wife is being a bitch and that he should go out there.   By constantly refusing him sex and intimacy, she’s doing all sorts of emotional damage to him and his self esteem.   This damage wouldn’t be as acute if he were single.

Situations like this does beg the question though.   Can you really lose attraction for someone to the point of not wanting to have sex with them?  I’ve heard of it, but in most cases I’ve seen, it’s usually after an affair with someone else.   That’s what happened in my case.  In that particular instance, it’s the original offending person’s fault for their own lack of desire and they should just suck it up.

People are selfish entitled fucks these days.   And when it’s time for them to face the consequences of their actions, society wants to give them a pat on the back and feel sorry for them.   TBH, I never wanted to cheat on my wife and there are times that I do feel twinges of guilt.

But I then remember that I’m not out here because of her affair or on some revenge crusade.   It’s because she put me in a situation of choosing sex/intimacy or my family.  I’m still on the fence and doubleminded about it (which is hell unto itself at times).

Plus I also think that on a certain level, it has helped us as I no longer feel as bad about myself and I’m no longer angry / or even really desire sex from her.    She still hasn’t asked why I stopped asking or have bothered to try in about a year.   There is less tension in the air and fewer arguments.

TBH, i’m getting to the point where I don’t even want it.    Her getting undressed in front of me doesn’t even phase me that much anymore.   We haven’t kissed or even hugged in forever it seems.   And I really don’t care anymore.    I am finally falling out of love with her.    It was a long hard journey, but I am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I know that technically I’m wrong for that.   But how was I supposed to know that it would get to this in the beginning? It was only until recently that I realized that no matter how cool someone seems in the beginning, there is a chance that they’ll turn into an insufferable, selfish, manipulative, cold hearted prick that could give 0 fucks about your relationship, family, history if they feel that it impedes on their personal happiness (even if they don’t know what it is).   They could give 0 shits about how it affects you, the kids, finances, or anything.

In my opinion, he should find someone else on the side…..8 years is a long time……as long as he can find someone who is either sensitive to his situation and going through it for the same reasons he is.  Just be careful not to ruin another family.

He’s justified, they’ll all be happier, and it’s worth possibly losing the marriage over (if she finds out)  as she doesn’t really seem to care that much about him / it anyway.

If you’re the selfish prick/asshole who just simply refuses to sleep with your spouse because you’re being a dick/bitch, then fuck you.   This isn’t for you.   This is for the person you’re crushing who might be on the fence about it.







If She Ain’t Chasing, She’s Replacing

I read an article where a the author was saying that if a man is sending mixed signals, to stop chasing him.    In it, she was basically saying that the woman deserves better.    That he isn’t worth crying in her pillow at night over and that she should move on.

While that does sound like some sound advice on the surface, I’ve come to realize that advice like this is what makes the dating scene so damned impossible these days.   Sure, I mean who wants to be insecure about their romantic interests?   Who wants to feel emotionally frustrated by lack of consistency?   Who wants to keep second guessing if a person is really in to them or not?

I’ll to you who…..women do.   While they complain about it, it’s like something built into their psyche.

It’s been said that the best way to dry up the panties is to bore a woman.   You know what’s boring and not sexy….. Consistency, predictability, and security.    From the trashy romance novels to the 40 shades of grey type movies.   Women seem to fantasize about the handsome, mysterious, unreadable stranger coming into their lives.   In it, the guy has some sort of troubled past/ or present which might prevent them from being together.

I’ve noticed that the difference between when I’ve been cheated on vs when I’ve had girls willing to do almost anything for me is the level of consistency I showed.   That had a lot to do with how much I actually cared and desired to be with her.   But the more consistency I showed, the less interested she became and the less, the more.

I’ve also overhead females talk about how an interested guy often “does too much.” When he wants to actually be with her.    Chasing implies, that something is trying to get away.   I don’t recommend this for men these days.   Especially given “me too” and the fact that many women don’t communicate their feelings directly.

The article itself is proof enough that mixed signals and inconsistency is enough to keep them interested.   I mean, she ain’t crying over a guy she doesn’t care about.   The beta male “best friend” who wants her isn’t showing mixed signals, but something about him isn’t attractive enough for her.   Even though they all claim they want their partner to be their “best friend” or partner in crime.    Throwback to  “Things that make you go hmmmm……”

Unfortunately, you can’t give them what they want all the time.   You have to show a bit of inconsistency and unpredictability in order to keep them interested.   Even though they say that they hate it, in the end, they love you for it even more for it.

It’s easier if you just don’t care.   So men, I’d say, leave the falling in love part for the women.   Find your purpose, fall in love with that, and send mixed signals to her at your leisure.    If she leaves you, she probably wasn’t that into you anyway.   Plus since you didn’t care, it won’t really throw you off and you’ll remain confident and secure.   Learn to be an asshole.   It works.



All I know right now

What I know.   Speculation aside. Based on what she tells me.    She’s unhappy.   She wants more.   A large house.  Wants to travel more.   Doesn’t want to have sex (with me anyway).   Long term friendship with some people are more important than our relationship.  Unwilling to cut off that friendship despite me feeling disrespected by it.   She understands why I feel disrespected, but thinks I shouldn’t worry about it because she believes that their relationship has nothing to do with us.

Because we haven’t officially decided to “work on things”, then it’s ok for her to do “her” insofar as entertaining or talking to other guys when the opportunity arises.    Also believes that cell phone secrecy should still be maintained because of that reason.   She isn’t sure if she wants to stay married.   Believes that I know how much she makes or her financial situation.  Some of her actions are unfair/she wouldn’t want someone to put her/someone she loves through it.   She thinks I don’t deserve that either.

She loves our son and doesn’t want to hurt him through divorce.   She says that she loves me.   (necessary assumption is that love, but “not in love.”).   Believes that I am bitter against women.   Thinks that the redpill/mgtow consumption helps fuel my view of women.

Says that she is sorry for hurting me and wish she hadn’t ‘involved’ me in her affair to the extent that I was.    She is open to an open relationship.   Never said she was a “good” person.    Doesn’t believe that people who aren’t happy together should stay together.

I’ve addressed some of these things:

1)why are you so unhappy?  no real answer/she doesn’t know.

2)is traveling and a big home deal breakers? no real answer.  I let her know that I’m ok with traveling, just plan better.  big house is possible, but we should plan better for it as I don’t want to be “house poor.”

3)no sex is a deal breaker for me.   I didn’t sign up for celibacy.    but I don’t want pity/obligation sex either.  I don’t really like having to sneak around.  It shows selfishness to expect monogamy when you’re intentionally not sexually satisfying your spouse.  It’s hurtful to be constantly rejected over and over again.

4)Spouse is supposed to come before friends.  Especially if you and the friend violated our marriage boundaries (ie cheated together) during the marriage.   This is a respect and boundary issue.  There have been repeated offenses from emotional through physical cheating with them throughout our marriage.   I don’t feel comfortable with that friendship and if there is insecurity, it is based upon finding out the repeated violation of boundaries.

5)Being on the ‘fence’ doesn’t offer me the security of believing she won’t step out again.    It’s not fair for me to have to endure the pain /suffering/humiliation of the type of affair(s) she’s had while I sit here and wait to decide if she wants to work it out.  It tells me that my feelings aren’t that important to her.   And she’s not dedicated to making it work.    Be all in or out.

6)why continue doing hurtful things if you wouldn’t want someone else to put you through it?   answer:  I’m not doing anything now……   (but why is the cell a secret),  EVEN IF she isn’t doing anything….wouldn’t transparency (at least for a limited period of time be more beneficial than secrecy)…..goes back to “I’m not sure if I want to stay married and we haven’t decided to work on things.”

7) Her financial situation.   She believes that 50/50 was the standard and it should be maintained.    However based on that standard, we cannot afford the house she wants and I have no clue what we can afford.   Especially given the lack of planning….which is also suffering because we don’t know if we’re going to stay together or not.

8)We both agree that we don’t want to hurt our son through divorce.   However I maintain that without at least working on it, we’re both going to say miserable.  I can’t just outright trust her given the broken trust.  The phone secrecy is a deal breaker for me.   Plus I caught her entertaining other men (at least texting with plans of hooking up later since the affair.)

9)I am bitter.  Maybe not against all females, but I’m definitely more skeptical.   The females that redpill/mgtow literature describes are females who’s actions are like hers. I’m thinking that she thinks she’ll change if the “right man” comes along.   Maybe.   But I can’t be concerned even though I am leaning towards it being a personality/morality issue.  Things may be ok during her next honeymoon phase, but how will she react once it’s over?  In reality, it doesn’t matter.  Hopefully, she’ll be a long lost memory when it gets to that point.    I really can’t see us getting back together if we ever split.

10) How in the hell would I not be caught up in the affair when you were cheating on me?   Betraying me for his sexual gratification is a HUGE red flag IMHO.   It’s one thing to cheat, but another to humiliate/cuck a faithful spouse/friend for a relative stranger’s sexual gratification.    This may be the thing that really forces me over the edge as far as leaving.   If she can stoop that LOW….what wouldn’t she do?

11) You call this love?   Hmm….she treats people she likes with more respect.  Perhaps it may be due to their proximity, but still.   That type of love doesn’t really benefit me if I’m honest.

12) I didn’t sign up for an open relationship.   Plus it seems men are much thirstier than women when it comes to casual sex.   Plus, I’m not sleeping in the same house and putting up with her bullshit while they get the nice parts/sexy parts about her.  Why have the cow if everyone else is enjoying the milk?   I don’t want to sleep around with several people at once.  One is good enough for me and maintaining that type of relationship would be tricky.  I got lucky/blessed with my lover, but who knows how difficult it would be to find someone who understands and believes me.  It’s feels like an attack on my manhood if I’m taking care of the house while she’s out there dating.   Especially if I condone it.   Screw that.

13) Maybe people who aren’t happy should stay together, but at the same time, her toxic actions aren’t helping us get any happier.    I think we owe it to our family/son to try to salvage our home, even if it means sacrificing the “bullshit” for a little while to see if it can work.    I’m not exactly happy to see you / be around you if you’re doing things that disrespect our marriage boundaries.   Even IF she isn’t doing anything as she claims, the appearance of it is still hurtful towards possible reconciliation.

The bottom line is that ultimately, it’s going to have to be on me to leave.   She knows that I love my family and I’d suspect that subconsciously, she knows what she needs to do in order to fix things.   I’m thinking that she believes she has a trump card and will play it if she actually sees me moving on.  Despite all she has done/ is doing, she knows that she holds the power.

Maybe she realizes that it’s not really because of/for her, that it’s for our son’s sake.  But it doesn’t matter.   As of now, I have proven that I’m not willing/capable of walking away from her bullshit so she holds the power.

I have to let go of the idea that we can save this family.   I have to be willing to put our son through divorce in order to maintain my sense of self dignity and respect.   I have to truly let it go to the point of even if she tries to play that “I get it now card.” It’s too late.

She has the power and isn’t playing fairly.  Sucks that I have to hurt the person who means the most to me, but in the end, I guess that I have to love myself enough, even to the point I have to hurt/disappoint him and let it all go.




Relationships Suck

It’s funny how everyone wants a significant relationship where there is no cheating, honesty, and the person to have their back. On the other hand, everyone seems to be cheating, lying, and on some petty stuff. It really makes you not want to fall in love. Yet and it seems like something is missing without that someone in your life.

I’ve been following a few popular instagram influencers (kas facts, changing lanes, bitchproblems) and they are constantly posting memes about side dude this, side chick that and it makes me wonder if there are any faithful people left. It’s as if we live in a society where cheating and dysfunction is the norm.

Given the toxic situation with my wife and affair as a result, I should be the last one to point fingers. It’s odd, but even though I haven’t defined the terms of relationship with my partner, I still feel the need to be faithful (fidelity wise) to her. I know this is dangerous and probably a bit toxic to her as she has no way of knowing if I’m actually sleeping with my wife other than my word. This also leads me to believe that she could possibly lie to me about her extra curricular activities. Obviously I’d prefer for her to be honest, I’d understand why she might not feel the need to be transparent or either seize any opportunity to find a normal relationship.

Society’s attitude about marriage renders the whole point of it moot. From a practical standpoint, there is no reason to get emotionally involved with anyone, let alone get married. People are all about their personal happiness and it increasingly seems that it’s acceptable to break up families and homes simply because one person has a general sense of unhappiness.

In addition, it seems that a lot of men out there don’t respect other men’s marriages. They don’t mind getting sex from a married woman if she puts herself out there like that.

I started watching videos of men who were dating married women on YouTube yesterday and I was disgusted. Some of these men fell in love and were heartbroken over the fact that she ended up choosing her husband and families over them.

I had no sympathy for them at all. I have no sympathy for people who interfere with marriages, especially when kids are involved. They are the worst, allowing their thirst, lust, and feelings to potentially emotionally damage and destroy a child’s home.

One guy sat and claimed that he didn’t deserve the heartbreak because he felt like he was a “good person”.

Dude, you were willing to break up another man’s family just for sexual attention. You intentionally made plans and went along with violating another man’s wife….(even if she was complicit)….potentially destroying his home, psychologically damaging his kids, and decimating his finances.

The thing is that what if she did the exact same thing to you? Would you want to be the husband in that situation? What if you marry her, she gives you kids, them a home, and she does the exact same thing to you?  As much as you “love” her, how do you think the husband feels.   In my opinion you deserved it plus much worse.

In fact, I hope it works out for you and her and she does the exact same thing to you.  Or I hope that you find some other chick who does the exact same thing to you and justify it with, “she’s unhappy.”   I really hate men like that.   To violate a man’s family, children, and finances is about as scummy and grimy as it gets.

Many people say that you shouldn’t take your anger out on the affair partner, but the unfaithful partner instead.  I say the anger should be directed towards both.   If my wife is negligent and leaves the door to the house unlocked and a thief breaks in, I’m not just going to be angry at the wife, I’m also angry at the thief.

It seems that people these days are stupid and narcs beyond belief.   It’s all about them.   Having a good/decent heart and proclivity to honesty is a weakness.   People have no qualms with taking your good faith in them and using it against you.    The thing is, they all put up a good show and act as if they are so good.   Or they act hypocritically and bitch and moan when they know they’re dead wrong.

Perhaps I’m bitter and cynical after what happened.   But i’m really not feeling this relationship thing even though deep down I want to find a decent person (moral wise) to deal with on a real level.   The assholes don’t realize how damaging it is to hurt someone’s heart….as if it’s some trivial thing.   Their advice is just suck it up and move on while the other person gets away scott free it seems.

I hate my wife sometimes.   Not dislike, but actually hate her for what she did/ is doing to me and our family.   I hate that I hate her.   But it’s so personal.   She seems so oblivious.   As if it’s a game.   She relishes in the power of being able to fully destroy someone.   And she still thinks she is a good woman who deserves some guy to come in and make her happy.   There is a pretty good chance that she’ll eventually get it and has no problem with how she goes about getting it.  She’ll probably never fully comprehend or grasp the amount of pain she put me through and will probably remain ignorant of truly how much abuse she inflicted on me.

Sure, I may be a hypocrite for going out and doing “me” so to speak instead of ending it.    This isn’t easy nor is the path straightforward.   It’s easy to say to just divorce her and move, but divorce isn’t easy, add to the fact that we have a little one, add to the fact that I probably am emotionally traumatized and feel forced to make a huge decision that will likely hurt the kid.

I know I sound like a damn victim here, but I’ll say that there is an element of victim shaming at play from people not in the situation.    It’s like if one boxer cheated and kept getting away with hitting his opponent with low blows.   The ref and and crowd then tells the violated boxer that he must continue and criticizes him for complaining or not being able to perform at his best ability.  So called “alpha” men would say that I deserve this because, we as the man are always to blame.  I didin’t handle her correctly or I was too blue pilled.   Dunno, maybe?

I’m just tired man.   I know people in history and in the world have gone through/are going through much worse.   Add that to the fact that I do have my health, a stable career, family and friends who are also healthy (overall), and potential for a better future, I should focus on being grateful for the things that I do have going for me.  I’m living in a time where technology affords me all sorts of luxuries that previous generations could only dream of.    We don’t live under threat of imminent war in my area and food and opportunities seem quite abundant for now.

As bad as my marriage and relationships in general seem these days,  I suppose that things could be much worse and in fact overall, life is much better than I could have ever hoped for.    Perhaps the key is redirecting my attention towards the things I’m grateful for instead of focusing on the few problems.




Her name is Lust

Tumblr officially banned porn about a year ago.  It was really my main source of looking at it, so it really wasn’t too hard to give it up.   Today, I stumbled across a few porn threads somehow and after a few minutes down the rabbit hole so to speak,  I realize that porn is evil.

My physiciological reaction to seeing a woman’s naked body is insane right now.   It might be due to the fact that I’ve been practicing semen retention.   Basically, no masturbation.   Since my lover is out of town, that means no sex at all, even on the weekend.

I could practically feel the dopamine surge through my brain as I saw these ass naked women spread.   It reminds me of why we men simp so hard for women and do the most for them.    There truly is power in the pussy.

For me, that’s enough porn.  I’m good.   I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my body.   Unbridled lust is a reminder of how weak we as men are.   I see why men in the middle east are prefer to keep women as clothed as possible.

Yoga pants, sun dresses, tight jeans, halter tops, bikini’s and all of that definitely makes me feel a certain way.    Especially on a beautiful woman.   Yet in my recovery from being totally crushed by one, I have a weird sensation of lust with an impending feeling of danger.   The fast heartbeat isn’t just pleasure, it’s also like a sense of danger.   As in keep my desire in check because THAT can kill you if you dwell too long in that place.

I also saw a short video with the rapper Cardi B explaining how to do fellatio.  In it, she talks about how she deep throats a guy.  As she explained, there were cutouts to different men giving bug eyes and double takes indicating that they were somewhat mesmerized.

At one time, I would have been on the bandwagon, giving the same type of response…..but this time, all I saw were a bunch of simps who give thots way too much attention.   It’s really not that serious and even if it is, why is it that we as men are taught to check our emotions, except when it comes to women overtly expressing their sexuality.

We’re taught to be fools when it comes to sex.    And as fools, we are under the spell of pussy.   Yes it feels great.  It’s feels amazing.  Yet to have it at the focus of our goal is the downfall of many a men.   Society seems to want to bash you for not giving a damn….or saying that it really isn’t that serious.    Let them eat cake.    Meanwhile I have to reprogram myself … at least temper myself to overcome my lust and desire.

Food is great, yet we don’t go about acting all stupid when we see a hamburger or something.   It’s somehow ingrained into our social dynamics that it’s ok to be a damn fool over a fat ass and cute face.   I’m judging myself on this one as well, but to know better is to be better.    At least in practice.

I’ve learned that in life, it is an abomination against the MOST HIGH for a man to actually fall in love with a woman.   Sure, we can love with our minds, but never with our hearts.  We are to save that for God or either our purpose.

Fall in love with your purpose…..I like that.

I’m thinking that one of the keys to take your eyes off the MOST HIGH or HIS purpose for you is lust.    The love of the pussy is the downfall of many a great man.  These beautiful women and the biological rush they give you can serve as a trap if you’re not on the right track.

Without having a purpose, she can easily become your purpose and that was my downfall with my wife.   I’d guess that of many of the shiftless/simple men here in America also fall victim to this.    Sex is all around us and no one warns us about the impending doom that’s inevitable should we focus on it.

Maybe this is why I my mind is warning me of danger when I see that bad ass ig model twerking.   It’s a reminder to not get caught up in the song of the sirens lest I lose my way, crash my ship, and end my life.   Hmm?   There’s seems to be more to that greek story after all.