Lessons Learned from a failing marriage

Two weekends in a row and no communication. I guess it’s safe to say she’s my ex lover. I’m sort of sad about it, but not really. It didn’t take too long to get over her, i mean i do sort of miss her. But this is nothing compared to what I went through in my marriage. And it’s another example of why long term fwb’s can work out better in the end.

We both knew that this day would come sooner or later, so in a way, we were both prepared. Plus, we were honest (for the most part) about everything. I’m not angry nor hurt and I don’t think that she is either. I think that she does kind of miss me in the same way. But, she has someone to soften the blow and cure the loneliness. In a way, I sort of have the STBXW around the house and she’s acting somewhat repentant. Or should I say, I don’t think she’s “seeing” anyone right now. I still don’t trust her and do realize that this is probably a temporary thing though. It’s dangerous as I find myself letting my guard down around her.

Had me and my lover (over the last 3 years) gotten engaged, married, and moved in together, we’d be the cause and cure of a huge level of stress in each other’s lives. It’s really a testament of how disconnected STBXW is that I could have had a half “relationship” on the side and she had no clue about it. At least she NEVER mentioned it despite me talking all the big shit in the world about her affair(s). I digress, the truth of it is that exlover and I just weren’t compatible for a serious long term relationship. Drinking, sex, and having fun were at the core of our friendship. I don’t know how it lasted as long as it did if I’m honest. U can’t underestimate great sex and loneliness i suppose. Plus it helped keep our body counts down. So that’s something positive.

I hope the best for her.

As for me, I don’t know. I now realize that the stbxw and I are also incompatible for many reasons. Ironically, had it not been for her, I might have made the same mistake of trying to marry or get serious about the ex lover.

Compatibility and chemistry are so important in relationships. It’s the foundation that will bring u back together if things happen to fall apart. Once honeymoon phase lust wears off, it’s the thing that will help propel you into the next level of love. It keeps you from acting upon the instinct of “loving, but not being in love” with someone. Of course, character communication and integrity also play key roles too. Unfortunately, I don’t see those things in our marriage.

So I get that I’m a stand in to my STBXW (as I was to my lover) until the next thing comes along. In a way, if I’m honest, she is a stand in too. I mean, if I were to find a woman who i felt a personal chemistry /attraction with…and it was mutual…..at this point, I’d probably pursue it. Before her affair and subsequent betrayals, i believe that I would have shut it down immediately.

We’re with each other for the kid and convenience for now. I have to take ownership in some of this as I chose not to do more in order to leave. I did try though and really STBXW keeps coming back out of convenience. So if i find someone who I can really vibe with on a greater level, what reasons would I have to stay? STBXW isn’t really showing any repentance. I keep being a passive aggressive asshole to her for that fact. I could probably eventually forgive her for what she did (I’m not AS mad about it anymore), but she gives me no reason to trust her. Plus the sex is as sparse, weird, and bad as ever. But to her credit, I don’t feel as confident towards her. Due to so much rejection I expect it before even asking. As a result, I am not as attracted nor do I make any real effort anymore. I don’t like feeling like I have no game when it comes to her as it manifests in the unflattering that way I behave when we’re together. Negative expectations/assumptions = negative outcomes.

I hate the way she makes me feel about myself sexually. Contrasted with how I loved the way I felt about myself sexually with my exlover. It was motivational in certain ways. I brought us closer together. Perhaps I am co-dependent in that way. I like who likes me, otherwise, I’m not really interested. Dunno what to say. Her brutal affair on top of all of that doesn’t help much either.

I could see fucking her, but definitely not making love. No kissing, holding, hugging or intimacy. No massages or pillow talk. Minimal eye contact. It would almost be like giving a ho some money and saying let’s just get to it. I’m not worried about getting her off. This is not good for a marriage. I love intimacy, so this doesn’t work so well for me. And i could also imagine that the sex would be pretty bad for her as well. We’re really just biding time with each other until something better comes along.

So just as with my ex lover, I’m playing a game of chicken where one of us is bound to crash and burn. Perhaps knowing this is beneficial as hopefully, if she finds someone first (as my lover did), I won’t be mad /hurt/ angry/ upset by it as I was the first few times. But at least me and my lover had some fun sex on the way.

How the fuck did i end up here?

What the ?

STBXW has moved back in due to some unforeseen circumstances and man she’s really been on one. In her own way, I think she’s trying to ‘fix’ things like not hiding her phone when she’s on it or telling me her where abouts if she leaves the apartment.

I’m convinced that this chick has flown over the cookoo’s nest. I don’t know if it’s just me, but her justifications and arguments for her affairs are trash. She says that she resents/resented me, but can’t tell me why exactly.

The sex is just awful. I guess she was in the mood and woke me up this morning with the sounds of the buzzing of her vibrator. She asks me to lick her breasts while she plays with it. Nothing doing. I’ve tried that dumb shit before and all she did was get off from the vibrator while leaving me on hard.

Though I was tempted as I haven’t been getting any recently, I decided to decline. She asks why and I explain how last time that happened, I felt like a gotdamn fool. “Why” she asks. “Let’s not talk about it.” “I’m good” …. I get up to leave since I don’t know why she’s in the bed with me anyway. But she pulls my arm and begs me to stay.

So now we have to have the conversation where I explained and asked her how she’d feel if

1)I cheated on her multiple times

2)If i wanted sex, I’d let her watch me masturbate but wouldn’t allow her to touch me…..except in specific places

3)Every time she asked me for sex, I’d always have an excuse or turned her down.

4)And not to mention that once during her affair, we had sex where she said the other guys name and told him about it. They laughed it off, as it was a boost to his ego, but at the same time, he cursed her out and asked why she had sex with me in the first place.

She says that she doesn’t mean anything by it and that basically, I’m taking it too personally. Her exact words were that she never thought about it like that. I replied that this type of behavior is emotionally and mentally damaging and borderline abusive.

Listen, I’m a grown assed man and I really hate having these types of conversations with her. I shouldn’t have to talk to an adult woman about how to treat others. I feel pathetic for even being in the vicinity with her after all of that.

Reading this, I know that I sound like a beta male simp. In certain ways, perhaps I agree. I gotta do better man. This chick is bullying me into being in a situation with her. I’ve been over it, as far as wanting to fix things with her. I just want her to move out. I gotta get this divorce as these things cannot happen.

Noone has ever treated me like this. I have to figure something out as she literally won’t leave and due the fact we’re married, she is under no legal obligation to go. She treats me that way because she can.

Here’s the thing…. I really believe her when she says that she doesn’t think about it like that. I am pretty much convinced that this chick is devoid of understanding. She’s an emotional blonde. Her arguments and justifications are just terrible. I’m not sure how I missed all of these red flags in her. Did she change or was she always like this?

What’s wrong with me? Why am I allowing her to just do shit like this to me? How did I end up here?

Our son loves her to death and I don’t want to ruin their relationship. I love having him under the same roof, but I cannot take living with him if it requires so much loss of self-respect to have her there. I can’t just put my fist through her face as I’d normally do if someone cornered me so to speak and disrespected me.

However, even though I call her crazy…..i’m just as bad as I’m allowing it to happen. Perhaps it’s time to go for a (permanent) cigarette run to the store?

Letting Go

It’s funny how life works sometimes. My lover and I have decided to cool it off for a bit as she was introduced to some guy who is interested in getting to know her for the purpose of possibly getting married. I don’t want to hold her back from a chance at achieving this, so we’re playing it cool.

We didn’t see each other this weekend. I asked to come by Friday and she said no. But then she called me at midnight the next night and wanted me to come by. I didn’t answer the phone since i was up gaming with kiddo. We did talk the next day and she says she was drunk and was missing me, but it was good that I didn’t answer as she wanted me to come by.

She’s trying to do “right” by this guy so I understand. She told me that they’ve been talking on the phone a lot and he’s supposed to flying in to visit her for valentine’s day weekend. In a way, it’s a bit of relief as i don’t have to worry about doing something for her. Not that i’d mind, but given the state of our relationship status, I don’t know what’s appropriate. That’s the confusing part about “situationships”. It sometimes feels like a relationship, but the rules are a bit different. It’s based on trust (from a sex perspective) but not on a commitment to be together.

Besides, I don’t want to marry her right now, nor be in a relationship. I guess that all sexual relationships don’t have to end up with yelling and screaming. I really love her as a friend….to the point I’d be willing to let go of our sexual relationship for the chance at seeing her be happy. It’s not even that hard to do, but I think that I’m going to miss hanging out with her and the sex. It’s so weird though. I don’t want to let her go on a certain level, but I can’t hold her back. Short term it sucks, but long term, I think that it’s for the best as she could never blame me for holding her back.

Though we often joked that our ‘relationship’ was toxic, I do think that we are handling this as maturely as possible. At least we got a chance to enjoy some “toxic relationship” sex without tearing each other down in the process. As I sit here waiting for her to return a text back to me, I know that sooner or later, one of us is gong to have to cut the cord. So I’m not really tripping if i don’t hear back. I don’t feel rejected and I respect her for being honest about everything.

That said, I actually had the opportunity to spend the whole weekend with STBXW and kiddo. Man, that chick is cray cray. No seriously. We got a chance to talk and she really hasn’t learned her lesson about cheating and infidelity. She is ignorantly selfish and/or highly manipulative. It’s like she doesn’t get the concept about self respect. It’s like she somewhat conceptually understands ‘why’ I’m angry and don’t trust her, but thinks that we should move somewhere to start over.

After recalling the worst events of her affair(s) and then telling her for the umpteenth time why I don’t trust her….and why I couldn’t respect myself even if I wanted to still work on things, it’s still like she doesn’t get it. Her go to phrase for the weekend. “Couples go through things sometimes.” I’m like naah bih, you put us through something. These are red flags and signs that she’d do it again. I already don’t trust her and her reactions/responses still reek of an unloyal and unstable person. This is why i’m willing to believe that she’s actually ignorantly selfish as opposed to manipulative. A manipulative person would have given much better answers.

Her seeming inability to empathize with the concept of self respect in this situation shows me that she lacks it herself. I can’t expect her to respect me (or our marriage) if she doesn’t understand how to respect herself. It helps explain how she was able to betray me so savagely and how she didn’t lose much sleep over it. Or why she’s still so unrepentant. She hasn’t gotten the lesson. So again, it boils down to me not trusting her. I’m still struggling to forgive and heal. But this does indeed confirm to me that she just can’t be trusted.

I hate to do comparisons between a lover and a spouse. I’d imagine that people see their lover with rose tinted glasses. But I’d be remiss to say that I respect my lover’s decision and honesty. Despite not necessarily liking her decision. I respect and understand it. To me, that’s a foundation of friendship that if i were to ever be in a relationship again, I’d cherish. I do suppose that what the stbxw’s communication is sincere if not short sighted. But still, she has shown that her ideals on loyalty and respect is a little to crass for my taste. At least for what I’d be looking for in a long term serious relationship let alone a marriage.

That said, I’d rather be single for now than to just have anybody. Plus, the sex is garbage anyway and i suppose it’s to be expected from a selfish ass person. Semen retention isn’t too hard to practice with her around as I’m not that interested anymore anyway. Among many lesson’s I’ve learned from my lover is that sex and intimacy with someone who’s just as giving (and attracted) is infinitely better.

Better off as someone’s side chick

I’ve come to the conclusion that my stbxw is probably better off as someone’s side girl or a possible FWB. Not for me as I really don’t believe in cheating, and it’s too late for her to be a fwb. But just in general. For the streets as they say. Ya know, like a chick who gets captivated by a guy, he has fun with her, maybe take her out a few times (I heard dudes still be doing this in 2021), and smash on the weekend or late night tip.

She’s not relationship material. Unless you’re looking for a trophy (she looks pretty decent at her age), but even still though, one could probably get a better looking and younger trophy.

She’s doesn’t have a terrible personality, but her character and mindset is fucked as far as relationships and loyalty goes.

I say this because it seems that her loyalty only goes as far as honeymoon phase, infatuation phase. She was able to betray me and our family so easily because she wasn’t really that connected to us. Her communication skills suck and she has a ‘cut throat’ mindset. Meaning that she’ll throw you under the bus with no hesitation or regards to you if it is advantageous to her. You won’t even see it coming as she doesn’t argue/tell you that she has a problem. If that ain’t side chick/ fwb/ creep material only, I don’t know what is.

Once she has you locked into a relationship, you have to either keep playing the ‘unavailable’ game with her to keep her on her toes or figure out how to manufacture some level of instability. Once she figures that she has you, she gets bored. I’m thinking that I jumped head first into the redpill because they generally describe this type of woman of which she happens to be.

Maybe I jumped to conclusions. Maybe she shares the characteristics with those type of women that guys tend to get burned by, it’s not to say that ALL women are like this. The scary part is figuring out which ones are and which ones aren’t.

I know it sounds like I’m claiming that she’s somehow inferior as a human being for being like that. But it’s not true. Everyone has a role and hers is that of a side chick or a person to have fun with, but not to take seriously as far as being a wife. She lacks a certain level of self reflection and depth necessary to have a mutual bond/ serious relationship with. Her lack of character, ethics, and morality when it comes to relationships in general pretty much dooms anyone who truly falls in love with her to a hard time. The fact that she’s a (self admittedly) poor communicator along with the other things are a recipe for disaster.

Perhaps she’s more suited for an equally superficially shallow guy. I really don’t think that she feels emotions on a deep level. I wouldn’t quite call her a narc or a psychopath, but she’s definitely high on the spectrum. We never really talked about deep things (or rather, I’d talk and she’d listen), but in retrospect, she never had much to say about philosophical “why’s” or what not.

Again, I’d like to emphasize that she does perhaps bring something to the table as far as being somewhat funny (well she tries), she’s not stupid academically as she has an advanced degree. She has the potential to make decent money. She can ACT in a loving manner and she isn’t really socially awkard.

But she is selfish, secretive, and aloof. She thinks everything has to be joke or something. She is ok, just not a good wifey type and my stupid ass married her. In retrospect, it’s no surprise that things are the way that they are between us. You can’t emotionally hurt this chick and that’s a bit scary as the only leverage I’ve ever had would be to get physically abusive or something. I’ve never done it, but if you can’t ‘correct’ bad behavior through reasoning or communication, then there isn’t really much you can do when a person acts in a fucked up manner. The only other leverage you have is to walk away and give up on them. Deal breakers, boundaries and lines were crossed. I should have walked a long time ago.

It wouldn’t have punished her at all. It would have been strictly for my personal benefit. She is too shallow to hurt in that manner. Her lack of character gives her power over me in ways that I cannot fight without severely hurting myself or our son. But it seems that she is acutely unaware of what she’s missing.

It’s like she’s fully aware of her hypocrisy and the fucked up nature of what she does, but she just doesn’t give a fuck. She doesn’t give a fuck because her character isn’t important to her. Only her image to others. She lacks personal conviction or empathy to feel bad about what she does to others. She knows it’s bad intellectually, but it’s like she can’t feel/imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of that type of behavior. It doesn’t motivate her treat others better.

She literally told me with a serious face that it’s better and more respectful for her to cheat behind my back than to cheat in my face. And no she was not joking. … As if this is some sort of consolation prize or something.

Like seriously? How about not cheating at all? That’s like saying it’s better to rape someone with lube than to do it without. But i left it alone. I already knew the metaphor would go way over her head and she’d take the rape part literally instead of getting the principle.

On one hand, i’d rather her keep comments like that to herself, but on the other it gives insight into the way she actually thinks…..so i didn’t really tear into the stupid statement as I once would have.

That said, I cannot take what she does personally. She is who she is. I can’t put expectations on to her that I already know (and she’s proven) that she can’t live up to. It was a huge mistake to put her in that position in my life. It’s not a position for her. Though I didn’t recognize this in her at first, I do now. So i have to figure out how to undo this mess and given her nature, it’s going to have to be without her help.

It’s as if we operate on different frequencies or wave lengths. We have different guiding principles and the ones that motivate me the most would cause me to come out on the ‘losing’ end with her if take her too seriously.

How to go to war with someone who doesn’t care about conventional rules nor care about collateral damage? How do i fight this monster without becoming one myself? In most cases, i’d walk away from that person and either deal with them from a far distance or not at all. But for now, it seems that I have to be a lot more strategic in how I fight this battle.

I should have just fucked and ducked.

Pointless Conversation

The wife has moved back in for now. She says that she’s waiting for them to process some paperwork in order for her to begin her travel assignment. Seems a bit odd that it’s taking so long given the pandemic and need for all hands on deck in her field. But hey, I don’t ask too many questions to her these days.

I really hate having her there and am tempted to kick her out. But she has contributed towards the rent for the last few months and so I guess she does have a right to be there. I don’t know if she’ll continue to pay once she moves out, but she did recompensate me for some of the months she wasn’t there. Maybe it’s fair that I allow here in.

We’re taking turns sleeping on the couch though she suggested that we both sleep in the same bed. Nah, I’d prefer not. We don’t talk much, but when we do (at her suggestion), I find myself doing all of the talking. Even if I shut up and let her talk, she says something so stupid that I have bite my tongue. Or she simply won’t say anything at all. She’ll just sit there and look like a deer in headlights, say “um, um” and say some obvsious shit like we need to do something. From me, there No small talk or anything, but it’s generally about how I’m angry, how fucked up I think she treated me, and so forth. Things she’s heard a million times. I tell her that she needs to decide where she wants to move and then perhaps we can talk about custody or something. It’s been on the table for a while now. I know that I can’t rely on her to figure it out, so once again, it’s on me to figure it out. Although it doesn’t help that she doesn’t listen any of my advice as far as her moving out and deciding from there. Despite this, she implies that perhaps WE should move and that a change may be necessary to get out of this rut. She also says she’s on the fence about moving to her hometown or staying here.

She isn’t apologetic as I’d like for her to be and a bit delusional. She wanted me to watch a youtube video where the guy wanted to leave some woman, but she (the woman) wanted to stay together. The woman’s reasoning was that she had invested A LOT into the relationship and that she was a good woman to him. The judge told the woman that you can’t make someone be with you who doesn’t want to be with you. My STBXW replayed the video in earshot of me and said that I should take a listen.

The nerve of this chick. She said that I was acting like that woman at one point. That I was trying to keep her somewhere she didn’t to be. I don’t remember being in that mind frame, though I did tell her a few times that I thought that she owed it to me, our son, and our family to have at least “tried” to work on things before she blindsided me with an affair.

I mean, I can’t lie, perhaps I did want to preserve things in the beginning, mostly for the sake of the family. I never saw it coming. We didn’t argue about much and from my perspective, had a pretty decent marraige. But a month or two in, and doing research, I started to realize that this was probably an exit affair. The worst kind in my opinion. She wanted to test the waters with the new guy and use us as a safety net.

This does explain the lack of any effort on her behalf to make up or apologize for cheating and gaslighting me. Still though, the way she treated me like complete and utter garbage for this guy has since made me reconsider her character. Obviously the trust is broken and she has made no real effort to repair it. While she has made no concrete mentions of reconciliation, I’m cool with that. I don’t want her back at all.

I don’t know what makes her think that we’re cool after all of that. I don’t want to be her friend. She has made no effort to apologize to me for hurting me as a friend. As I told her…..she didn’t owe it to me to stay married, but she did owe me respect as a friend, husband, kid’s father, and someone who was there for her to exit the relationship without being so evil about it.

Her only response was that she felt like I was trying to keep her somewhere she didn’t want to be. She said that she grew resentful because she felt I was trying to “trap” her. I mean hello, we were married and had a family, I mean how could she have expected me to just be cool with her breaking up the thing I loved so much without at least trying to talk her out of it in the beginning. However, in spite of that fact, I never once told her not to leave. I told her that she just couldn’t be there cheating on me and I wasn’t going for it. Though looking back, all of my protesting was in vain.

Things around the house are pretty much the same. She doesn’t clean, barely cooks (usually ordering takeout), won’t walk or feed the dog (hers btw). I mean come on, the excuse of working hard and resting on her day(s) off isn’t there anymore as she hasn’t worked since August. It’s up to me. After being at work for 10 hours, hitting the gym, going to boxing, and then coming home to clean up. I’m still washing and steaming kiddo’s clothes for the week and pretty much doing everything around there. On the weekend, I’m driving ride share and bringing in more money part time.

It isn’t like this is “wifely” duties. It’s just adulting 101. I know that I paint her in a horrible light, but most people don’t see this side of her. Most probably think that she’s ya know….normal. But I don’t really know her friends like that and I don’t really discuss her with the inlaws.

Reconciliation is slim to nil at this point as her character is lacking in a lot of fundamental ways. At least for me anyway. In a way, I guess she’s right. We are on different pages. Loyalty, cleanliness, and family values are important to me. I may not be as ‘ambitious’ as she’d like. I’ll take ownership of that. But I’m working on it. Not for her, but for me.

Meanwhile, I worry sometimes that her simply being there is hampering my healing process. It’s really not a good look for kiddo to see us occupy such a small space and not joke around or even talk to each other. I don’t want him to normalize this. I have to take responsibility as a man to do something. It seems that hiding her infidelity and desire to not be married from him isn’t helping long run. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship by telling him the truth, but maybe that’s a short sighted view. I just don’t know how to do it. I mean, I don’t want to stay with her either, but how can I explain to him in a kid appropriate way that we don’t want to be with each other.

I’ve done my dirt. I took the low road and took on a lover. Though that might be coming to an end any day now. At least I never had to lie about it as she has never asked in detail. I’ve admitted it in passing, but she never asks for detail which is another reason I know that STBXW doesn’t gaf about me.

She’s lost. She doesn’t know where she wants to live. She can’t convince me to move with her. She doesn’t want to live here. (Even though here is a great place job wise, growth wise, entertainment wise, affordability, safety wise, location wise, and diversity wise). Perhaps one of the best in the country from what I hear…especially to raise a kid.

I have to figure out how to pony up the money to get this divorce underway as to prevent things like her living there from happening. Deep down, subconsciously, there is a small part of me that hopes that the light will come on and she gets it…..that she is tearing down her own family. Time has shown me that if she hasn’t gotten it yet, then she probably won’t.

I don’t think she’s lost an ounce of sleep over this since she started her first affair. Intellectually I know that she ain’t gonna change. And even if I decided to try to reach out and try to build things back up, I don’t trust her enough to put my heart and emotions in it. I can’t be fake either. I have no desire to make her happy. Sex isn’t really a consideration. Not even just plain fucking. I don’t want to touch her. Though not quite disgusted, after having to contrast the amazing mind blowing sex with my lover and the paltry pity sex she gave me a few times since her affair, I’m not interested AT ALL.

It’s been so long since we made love, I wonder if it was really ever that good. I mean it went from being new to being with someone i really loved, so I can’t really say. Looking back, I guess it was ok. But still not quite like my lover. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that my lover and I had no expectations of each other, plus IDC what you say, drunk sex is the best. At least with us anyway. It’s cool how we can get fucked up, act a fool, and then just go at it. She mentioned this to me and I agree.

That’s neither here nor there, me and my lover have too many differences for a relationship, plus I’m not interested in marriage nor a relationship for that matter, so I understand why she is open to exploring her options. She’s amazing, but I just don’t feel that I’m the right man for her. But we can’t deny the sexual chemistry which makes it so hard to give it up sometimes.

Anyway, I gotta do something to get out. Perhaps her paperwork will come through. I do fear at times that if stbxw did come to her senses, and really tried reconciliation, I’d be too weak to resist. Not saying that it would be easy, nor that I’d take her back. Perhaps we could be ‘amicable’ some day. At one time I was open to possibly having casual sex with her one day, but given the way she hurt me and her unrepentant attitude, i can’t see it happening. It would be too weird. I really can’t imagine it without my stomach churning.

No trust, no sex, and no respect. Plus she hurt me bad…..nah man, this thing is over.

The Hoes are Corny

I don’t know what’s happening with me. But it’s like the more that I see these females out here twerking and “expressing their sexuality”, the cornier they look to me. It looks pathetic. It’s like seeing a 30 something year old man out here with sagging pants or talking on a “money phone.”

Niki Minaj, Meg the Stallion, Amber Rose, and Cardi B are all starting to look like clowns to me. I don’t care how fat the ass is or nice the tits are, they are starting to look rediculous to me. It’s not their looks so much as it is their actions. When I see these hen parties / girl trips with a bunch of 30 something year olds out here acting like late teen / early 20’s women, I just want to laugh (AT not not WITH them).

My stbxw’s behavior and corny ass jokes and desire to do these sexually charged tik tok challenges make me want to shake her and say, “bih you look stupid”. I know she/they are just having fun, but got damn, i dunno, it’s just corny to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at sun dresses or clothing that accentuate or show a woman’s curves and features. That’s fine. But thot costumes and thirst trap apparel, along with with rachet behavior is just a complete turn off. Rediculous weaves, long fingernail claws, caked on makeup, and those hideous caterpillar eyebrows just make me want to ask what the hell is wrong with ya bih? It’s even worse when she’s completely out of shape. They look like a bunch of clowns. None of my male friends that I’ve asked say that they like it either, so it’s not just me. The makeup thing is unattractive because many of them look trannyish or it’s always the possibility that she looks completely different underneath it all. At least trans people have an excuse, so I understand that. Then again, I’m not interested in trans people sexually so I don’t have an issue with it for them. But a LOT of women just look worse with all of that make up on.

To be honest, a decent looking woman with little makeup, natural hair, and casual clothing are way more appealing to me. I’ve even had to tell my lover (she is my friend first) to tone it down a little if she’s trying to attract a quality guy into her life. If in doubt, be more conservative. She may attract fewer men trying to sleep with her that night, but it’s about attracting quality, not quantity. I don’t know why I try to put her onto game, but she is my friend and despite not wanting to lose her, I do want her to be happy. It would be such a waste if she got pregnant by some loser who simply gamed her into having sex and a child and abandoned them. I had a female friend once who this happened to (it’s sad really). I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her, but we would have probably made decent co-parents. I mean I want another kid too and if that was the case, at least she could have had a kid with someone who really does care about her well being and will be there for them. But i digress.

I’m not saying to be a church girl. But just be, ya know. Normal. Ya dig?

Bitter or Better

I have to stop having conversations about romance and love with people. I’m such a skeptic. While I do believe in real love (somewhat) in romantic sense, I’m more realistic about it. I don’t know if I could ever allow myself to love anyone to the depth that I loved my STBEW. It just hurts too damned bad if they cheat and betray you. Plus NOONE ever thinks that their spouse/best friend would do them like that. Being blindsided and cheated on by a wife has got to be easily in the top 3 most hurtful things that can happen to a man if he loves her.

Whoever said that “it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all” must have been an incel or something. The only good thing about it is having the first hand knowledge of how indescribably painful it is so that you can know it. Then again, I don’t need to be a heroin addict to understand how fucked and hard getting clean is.

As a recovering man who once loved a woman with his heart, I’d wish that all men knew the risks involved with dealing with someone on that level. Sure, there are always risks, but I’m telling most men, you’d never think that it would hurt that bad.

I never thought that my wife would betray me, but even in my worst nightmare where she did, I never thought that it would hurt as nearly as bad. I felt gutted. Like something inside of me was being ripped apart. I felt pain. Like imagine a terrible toothache, but instead of being localized at the tooth, it was all over your body. You feel an intense pain, but it’s not coming from specific area in the body. It’s a surreal experience to have so much pain without a physical cause. I never felt anything like that before.

And there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. At least there is tylenol or advil with a toothache, but there is nothing but pure, unending, raw pain that you can’t can’t do anything to relieve. Hell is supposed to be a place of weeping and a gnashing of teeth. I’ve been there and have much better appreciation of that bible verse now. The pain comes in waves of intensity. Like for me, 8 out of 10 was pretty normal at first. It never went away, except for those few minutes in the morning when you first wake up. But sometimes it would drop to a 5 out of 10. The worst of it lasted for a good 8 months for me. I learned to just deal with it through prayer, meditation, being present. A trick I learned was to not fight the pain, but just lean into it so to speak, it still hurt, but took some of the edge off.

Then there is the emotional mood swings. Then there are the triggers, like songs you might hear on the radio, a movie, a random thought, a text notification ding….anything can set it into motion. I considered suicide at one point. Not because of wanting her back, but from just wanting the pain to stop.

They shouldn’t call it heart break. It’s really better described as heart sick.

Maybe this is abnormal. We were married for like 8 years before D day. I truly still loved her and loved our family. I’ve never been an overly emotional person though and usually do a pretty good job under stress or if things don’t go my way, but this kicked my ass badly.

I’ve never felt pain like that and the point is that I never thought it could possibly hurt THAT bad. I’d like to attribute that to loving her so much. But really though, loving someone or being that attached to anyone can’t be healthy. Especially if the fallout is that much pain. I mean I barely cry at funerals.

I was always afraid of doing hard drugs because I feared addiction and heard horror stories of withdrawal. But shit, this was way more intense that I expected. Never again.

Not for me. Though I am tempted in my mind to want to possibly find “the right one” for me. I’m afraid to give them my all. I can’t go through that again. It’s not something, I’d want to risk. People are shitty and you never know who the hell you’re giving your heart to. It’s my responsibility to look out for my mental health. That other person could give a shit about you if they lose attraction or interest in you.

Perhaps I have attachment issues. But either way, love aint for me. That shit hurts way entirely too much for me to handle. It’s like how some people can drink alcohol and be fine, while others get addicted and can’t touch the stuff. Perhaps I have the potential to get addicted to love and that’s the reason I need to avoid it at all costs.

I know myself. Some say that I’m just bitter. But i feel that I know myself better now. So in the end, I guess that counts for something.

Co-Parenting with the Enemy

The worst aspect about having to co-parent with a spouse who cheated on and betrayed you is the fact that you have to remain in communication with them. That’s a special sort of hell. It’s sort of like having to remain on a speaking level with a person who raped you in the past and got away with it. Sure, you may forgive them eventually, but you don’t want to be their friend.

STBEXw. has been calling me over the last week or so with nothing to talk about. I normally ignore the call or either ask her to text me back if it’s important. A few times, I decided to indulge and let her do most of the talking. Those phone conversations are awkard as fuck because she tries to be funny or friendly and I’m just “listening” mostly. I usually get back to business and cut it off as soon as possible.

I’ve told her that outside of kiddo and finances, we really don’t have anything to talk about. I would have cut her off COMPLETELY if it wasn’t for those things. What kind of sucker/fool remains friends with a person who completely betrayed them several times? I don’t care to know about her life, what she’s doing, who she’s doing it with, if it’s going good, bad, indifferent. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t want to know.

We cannot be friends after this. Does she really think that she can just fuck other people over like that and they should just be ok? Family, friends, whomever can deal with her however they want. But as for me….I’m not fucking with her. She may be the only person on earth I feel that way about right now. I’m not a hateful person. I don’t even really hate Donald Trump.

Like there isn’t any keykeying or laughs between us after what you willfully and intentionally did. Do I look like a bitch to you? Do I look like a weak, pathetic, emotional little creature that you can just play with like that? And maybe she doesn’t actually feel that way, but she did treat like that before and so I’m suspect of pretty much all of her antics now. I think the only reason I’m typing this is because she tried to pull that shit this morning.

She decided to burn the bridge of a possibility of friendship with the way she acted during her multiple affairs. I wonder if cheaters know how terrible they are acting while in the act. It’s not uncommon to hear people say that their cheating spouse treated them like complete garbage. I mean come on, they have to know. You KNOW when you’re treating someone shitty. There is no excuse when they tell you it repeatedly. Sorry, but a half apologetic “I’m sorry” just ain’t gonna cut it. She knew she was burning that bridge behind her. She had to know that all the water (she was raining) under the bridge along with burning it down means that there is NO coming back. Whatsoever.

So fuck her. I gave her dozens, if not a hundred chances to turn around. To at least respect me. And she knows the only reason I gave her that many is because I wanted to fight for our family and try to keep our son’s home in tact. She wouldn’t even work with me since chasing new dick was her priority. She completely destroyed our home, with no regards to our feelings, and basically gave herself completely over to men who didn’t do a fraction of what I had done for her. She betrayed us for them. She knows noone else on earth loves kiddo as much as I do. I am her son’s father. A man who was always there for him. He looks up to me as a man. Yet she decides that I’m worth being cucked and humiliated for men who weren’t even there. She tried to sell out my due respect because these men felt more manly than me since they could fuck someone’s wife. Men who simply wanted some ass and wouldn’t tell her the truth (assuming she told them all the real truth). These men didn’t give a fuck about her family, our kid, or his future like that.

I was a man who proved to be there for her time and time again. Her husband who treated her as she “deserved”. I wasn’t too jealous or insecure, yet SHE was the one who abused that trust. And yet I wasn’t worth respect in the end?

That said, I’m not fucking with her. She didn’t do it to anyone else, so I could probably understand why others might want to deal with her. But she’s dead to me. I just see the shell of the woman she once was. She’s like a ghost. The memory of a nightmare I once had.

I know forgiveness has to come into play at some point. But as of now, I cannot bring myself to do it. I don’t respect her. It’s not even based on her not wanting to remain married. But it is about the unnecessarily dishonorable and disrespectful way she decided to throw me under the bus.

The Game in 2021

I just watched a video of some light skinned shorty with a nice ass and cute face twerking on worldstar. I usually don’t fall for the thirst trap, but decided what the hell. Shorty was gorgeous, I can’t lie, it did get my heart rate up (i’ve been celibate for the few weeks or so and am practicing no fap), but while attracted on a physical level, I was turned off by her behavior.

Reading the comments and so many dudes were complimenting her on her body and skills. Many were saying how they’d perform x sexual act(s) on her. It ain’t no way I’d pursue anything with her other than a bare minimum conversation. She’d most likely have to pursue me if sex were to happen. Even then, I’m not chasing someone like that.

That said though, I’m facing a bit of cognitive dissonance when it comes to women. I mean on one hand, I’d love to find someone right for me. On the other, I fear falling in love. It ain’t really in me to pursue women….especially if I know she’s ‘dating’ other men. You can say whatever about it not being my business to know what she’s doing, but fuck all that. I can’t see myself taking a woman out to dinner/movies, paying for the whole thing, and then not getting any that night. Matter of fact, sex had to have come first before any of that occurs. Otherwise, we’re going dutch where she has to pay for something.

I’d feel like a complete sucker knowing that I spent the good part of my evening with a woman (time + energy + resources) just for her to call her ‘back breaker’ after the date. Normally, this guy didn’t have to do anything except show up. And why should he get preferential treatment? I’m not into stealing a chick from a guy. I’ve never met a chick yet where I feel like I wanted to share her….even if temporarily.

I like the intimate parts of sex too much. I like kissing and making out. I like oral….giving and receiving. I like holding hands and all that goofy shit. Regular sex is good too, but I be wanting more and being unable to do those extra things kind of ruins the moment for me.

Plus, there is a fine line between simping and showing that you like her that I haven’t figured out. The more you show that you like them, the less they respect you. But on the other hand, the less attention you give them, the more interested…..(at least to a point). And this area is different for different women. Hell it’s different for the same woman depending on her level of attraction, time you’ve been together, what’s going on in her life and so forth.

Bottom line is that they have too many gotdamned options. Between dudes who actually love her and want her. And the thirsty simps who pretend to. And the dudes who she’s attracted to that can dog her out. And dudes with good game. There is too much competition. I don’t have the patience for it.

Even IF she is attracted to me for the moment, I know that they have the capacity to do a 180 at any given time. So I just cannot allow myself to fall for her, even if things are going good in the moment. It’s too emotionally taxing and stressful.

The way I see it, a title such as wife or girlfriend isn’t going to stop her from cheating. You’re bound to get attached to her if you see her for too long though. But still, I don’t trust them. They are master actresses. They can say that everything is cool, but you have to have a sense of her attraction level to you. And there is no hard science to this.

Say she’s acting distant or bitchy. Perhaps she’s having a bad week. Maybe she’s going through something. Maybe it’s just her personality. Maybe, it’s all in my head. Either way, bringing it up makes you look weak or insecure. She’ll usually lie (whether someone else is in the picture or not) and say she’s ‘fine’.

A simp would try to figure it out. Someone who doesn’t care, just doesn’t care and in the end she at least maintains a level of respect. It’s like she can never really know that you care about her. It’s like you have to be inconsistent between your words and actions. You can actually give a fuck while saying that you don’t. Or you can not give a fuck and say that you do. Too many games, but it’s like she has to have some doubt. But I’d rather be the latter guy if I’m honest.

Many men cheat because they want to.

Some men cheat because we have to. I would love to be faithful to one woman, but it truly doesn’t work if you want to keep her long term. In 2021, you have to be the cheater or be cheated on it seems. I hate that rule, and I’m sure it’s an unpopular opinion. But it’s the truth. Real talk, It’s better to have no women than to have just one. Or at least you have to put it in her mind that you do / could have someone else at any given moment. Otherwise, she gets bored and bad things happen.

But perhaps this is why, despite everyone hating on “fuck boys”, they are winning when it comes to women. If I am going to want a sexual relationship with women, I have to take my heart out of it. But not just that, I have to be willing to say whatever and to the least in order to get it. It’s like the goal is to get them attached while avoiding attachment. Ironcially, this is what they are really attracted to despite saying otherwise. But look at who gets them attached the most? You guessed it. Fuck boys. Who gets cheated on or left (if you’re lucky), the guys who try to be committed to them.

It doesn’t take a phd in counseling to figure out which path is best for your emotional well being. But it might take one to help me overcome this desire to want to be faithful. Apparently, somewhere in my mind, there is a spirit of tricking or simping that I need to overcome. I never thought I’d say that being faithful to one woman would be a bad thing. But in real life, these are the times we live in.

Welcome to Adulting

Had to actually have a conversation with stbxw and it sucked. The more I’m away from her, the harder it is to talk to her. As much as I wish that I could never speak to her again, the reality is that we do have a kid and we have to co-parent. Which unfortunately involves having some contact with each other.

I’m usually pretty chill about people. I’ve never held grudges. Then again, noone has ever come close to hurting me this bad. I really dislike her and I don’t want to forgive her. If someone were to ask “How’s she doing”
… my answer “Fuck her. Next Question.”

And this is part of irrationality. I know that morally, I’m supposed to forgive her. I know that it’s probably the spiritual thing to do. I know that holding on to anger when she’s been moved on hurts me more. I know she isn’t losing any sleep over this. But man fuck her.

Ironically, now I can kind of see how cheaters and adulterers can just say fuck it and not do the right thing. However, I won’t sit here and say that I am a good person. I’m not a good person and I’m ok with that. I don’t care. If i lose sleep over this, it won’t be because i’m beating myself up about not forgiving her.

I have a strong dislike for her. I want nothing to do with her. While apathy is better than hate, I’m a work in progress and not in a rush to get there.

I guess there is no point in questioning why she thinks we could be friends after all she’s done to me. It comes from the same space of irrationality I’m coming from. I don’t want to talk about forgiveness. I don’t want to conform to a higher standard on this. Fuck her and that’s about it.

At least for now.