Hustle Culture or Mammon Worship

I think that I’m a pretty average guy all the way across the board. I’m not exceptionally tall, rich, funny or handsome. But I’m not short, broke, lame, or ugly either. I’m in pretty good shape, but my body is athletic as I do work out pretty consistently and I do look a lot younger than my age would suggest. I don’t aspire to rule the world or measure up to some “black excellence” standard. I just want to live, love, learn, be healthy, active, and financially be able to provide for myself and those closest to me. If I live to be very old, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

I don’t care for being in a ‘power couple.’ I don’t care for luxurious living. I don’t care for instagram photo ops. I don’t strive for fame or power or leaving a ‘legacy’ behind. I’m pretty simple. One could say content. In the current culture, many might say complacent….especially In our current materialistic / hustle/ get the bag culture it could be arguable and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree. Sometimes I do find myself wondering if there is something wrong with me. Don’t get me wrong, if opportunity does present itself, I won’t shy away from it. I don’t mind working hard and doing my best whenever the the job calls for it. I am a team player.

That said, I think all that is to say that by many measures, you could consider me a ‘beta’ male. I’m not afraid of conflict though I do try to understand things from outside my own personal perspective. My goal usually isn’t to win…per say…but to gain understanding in order to create win / win scenarios if possible. I find myself saying to people a lot “It’s not about me being right or you being wrong….it’s about trying to understand why you think that way.” I just irks me when people argue with soundbites, talking points, and clever, yet out of context quotables. When asked to defend it, it’s usually some appeal to ‘authority’ or some sort of deflection. I wonder if I just don’t get it sometimes and maybe it is a lack of ‘understanding’ on my behalf….. But often times, i’m just irritated because I once thought that way as well, so I do understand the surface level arguments.

I’m pretty agreeable, but in this day and age, I can say that this may be a liability. Jordan Peterson would probably say that I am the problem (or product) of this modern age.

I really have to step outside of my comfort zone to be a selfish asshole and abandon my sensibilites about fairness. I believe that people do deserve what they work for….but I also realize that this is life and shit happens. I also believe that our circumstances aren’t always in our control…. I know many people who are just as intelligent and capable than me but yet aren’t on my level of ‘financial success.’ due to bad decisions or worse circumstances. But I also know others who aren’t but are making way more money. That said, I’m usually not impressed by (though I am usually happy for) people with great financial abundance.

It really seems all across the board a lot of ‘success’ comes down to people stumbling across it due to their individual life circumstances leading them. This isn’t necessarily due to a person’s capabilities though that does play a role in it. For example, some people gain success from starting a youtube video just so happened to be living in a time and era where this is possible. If youtube weren’t a thing, would they have their wealth? It’s not like they invented youtube, or cameras, or whatever. Yet, they are so cocksure that they’d have figured a way out. As another example, STBXW seems to believe that if she hadn’t chosen the path of being a nurse, she’d have been just as financially successful. Not to take away from the work that she put in to become one, but from my viewpoint, her work ethic and intelligence is average at best. Nurses just so happen to make a ton of money right now. I know school teachers who make way less money and are way more dedicated to their jobs. A friend once told me that even though she made a shit ton of money, she feels blessed and that she knows that it could be taken from her. So while money is important, it’s not a determining factor when it comes to who she likes. She also told me that she went to school with people making 200k + a year and she had no idea how they even graduated from university. Let alone how they landed such great paying positions. One of the most competent and intelligent person I know was the head custodian at my previous job. Although she made decent money, I know people who make way more money, yet she could mentally run circles around them as far as her work ethic, ability to figure things out, and plain old common sense.

Still though, despite that, many of us Americans seem to have been infected with this notion that we should always be striving to ‘get the bag.’ We beleive that we should always be trying to get more. And once we get ‘more’ we should be trying to how to figure out how to get ‘more.’ Back when I used to take clever hip hop rap lyrics as gospel…..I heard lil wayne say, “I’m not hungry, I’m greedy.” as a metaphor about his hustle mentality. I thought it was the way we should all be.

A quick google search of Mammon shows that: “Mammon is a powerful fallen angel, now demon, that personifies the sin of Greed and is the demon lord of avarice, richness, abundance, prosperity, wealth and injustice, most often personified as a deity.”

According to scripture: Matthew 6:24: “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.”

Ironically, even though I don’t consider myself a christian anymore….(at least not by most commonly used contexts)….the vast majority of people I know do. Yet it would seem that their insatiable reverence for luxury, material, and money would align directly with worship of mammon. They might not call it that directly, but in mind, deed, and action it appears that they do. Instead of mammon worship, they just call it ‘get the bag.’ I’ve also heard many people say “I just love money”. I’ve heard it said that “money isn’t the root of all evil, but the love of it is.” I’m sure that I’m not the only person who’s heard this common statement, yet it shows the cognitive dissonance prevalent here in America. Most people would agree with this statement, yet depending on the conversation, they would also agree that they indeed….Do love money.

On one hand greed and the desire for ‘more’ does drive capitalism. Fear of missing out, keeping up with Jones’, and feeling entitled to the “good life” also keeps people motivated from just sitting around and being bums all day I guess. So maybe it does have a place in the world.

On the other hand, the argument that people wouldn’t be as innovative nor desire to be great if not motivated by money doesn’t seem to be a great argument to me. This is often used by people who fear socialism or other forms of a more utilitarian distribution of the earth’s resources. I don’t know, it seems to me though that the thing that drive the most successful people isn’t the money that they can make, but some sort of passion/skill/talent or desire to want to do something. I guarantee that the NBA wouldn’t have a lack of talent if the top players only made 400k annually.

Infidels

I keep listening to stories about infidelity on youtube/reddit posts. I know it seems unhealthy, but listening to so many stories really help me to understand the nature of these types of situations. I don’t know if it’s because the algorithm keeps feeding stories about husbands getting cheating on or if that is the majority of what’s happening, but it’s like I am seeing a very familiar pattern. They are quite similar to my story.

Usually, the husband is blindsided. He thinks that the marriage is fine. He usually says that he didn’t see any major issues. He usually loves her and is dedicated to the family. It seems that he knows the marriage isn’t perfect, but doesn’t think that his wife would cheat on him nor things are that bad. He thinks that his wife is his best friend. He is a dedicated family guy….many times working and helping around the house. These guys seem kind, considerate, loving, and providers.

From their accounts, their wives end up either getting a new job, reconnects with an old friend on social media, or hooks up with a person at their current job. The men that connect with them can be either single or in a marriage. The ‘relationship’ starts off emotional at first, then gradually become more and more intimate. Once consumation has begun, the wife begins a downward spiral of lies, deceit, and betrayal. They lie, gaslight, and blame their husbands for their unhappiness, as if to try and justify their behavior. The more the do it, the more unapologetic and unrepentant they become. The new guy becomes the center of their world. Family, morals, and values all go out of the window. Many times, she’ll even put the children on the back burner. It’s as if she either doesn’t care anymore or doesn’t realize the how morally wrong her actions are. She becomes like a new person. She then further blames the husband and completely and utterly disregards the wrong she’s doing….as if she truly believes that she’s doing nothing wrong.

Once the affair is discovered, she is upset that he husband calls her out. She becomes more defiant, more sneaky…..sometimes even pretending to end the affiar, only to take it further underground. Most of the time they are unrepentant over the pain they caused their husbands. Most aren’t upset that they destroyed the trust, family, or friendship….but are upset that either the affair partner lied about how he really felt, wouldn’t leave his family, or simply broke it off once it got discovered.

The last part is the kick in the teeth for me. It seems to me that many husbands are waiting for their wives to be repentant over what they did. Unfortunately for them, the vast majority aren’t. Even if the husband tries to stick around, it seems that she won’t take accountability for what she did. It’s like she doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. Without repentance, there can be no forgiveness. But these women seem to still be ‘stuck on the fence’ in many cases. In my opinion, and based on these stories, she most likely will cheat again. It’s best to let it go. These women have no qualms with lying to counselors, family members, her husband again or whomever in order to preserve / maintain their affairs. It’s truly a lost cause 90+% of the time. The scariest part in all of this is that they now see the husband as the enemy. Of course he’s going to feel a certain way about her cheating….however in her mind, (in order to justify their behavior), he becomes the villain. He is obstacle between her and the happiness they feel they deserve. Any imperfections the husband has become greatly magnified. As the bible says….”love covers a multitude of sins.”…..yet these sins become blasphemous once the love is gone. The husband putting his foot down and not standing for the disrespect or in many cases, him snooping based on her suspicious behavior becomes offensive and further pushes how disrespectful she becomes. They double down on their ‘justification’. Now he’s too controlling. It’s as if her being caught in a lie is worse than her actually lying. Many refer to this destructive cycle as the ‘affair fog.’

Many seem to fail to see that starting a ‘new’ intimate relationship, while denying their husbands closeness and intimacy, is rapidly causing her to lose interest in fixing their marriages. It’s like they fail to see that the discord and confusion that they are causing with their actions makes interactions with their husbands worse. And by comparison, the freedom and ease they feel with their affair partners is due to the fact that they aren’t hiding things from them and that they are actually more open and friendly towards them. It’s like they really don’t understand that the husband’s bad mood is because she was caught in a lie or was acting suspicious. They take no accountability as to how their hurtful and disrespectful behavior is negatively affecting their home life. This failure to acknowledge their wrong behavior further reinforces their waywardness. They’ll use excuses and say that they were ‘unhappy’ or they ‘grew apart’. It’s pathetic and disgusting.

I really sympathize for these men. It’s really sad. These women don’t deserve these guys. They don’t deserve the love and dedication that these guys give them. Many times, these guys didn’t deserve this. They lose their homes and families due to no fault of their own. The kids don’t deserve to lose their families over some wayward loser of a wife and some immoral douchebag who could give a fuck about the well being of the children in the relationship.

Unfortunately, many men (just like me), were raised to give his wife this level of love, compassion, and forgiveness. Often times it’s for the family, but it’s also a testament to how deeply they loved these women.

My experience and these stories have taught me that no matter how much you love such a person…no matter how much you do /did for them….no matter how sweet you think your life situation is, there is no loyalty with them. Attraction is king (not just physical) and they are willing to throw it ALL away because a guy makes them feel a certain way. Adding insult to injury, they are willing to betray, backstab, lie, and destroy you (even if you’ve done nothing wrong) in order to get their new object of affection. They will say and do anything, including lie to and destroy their own children’s homes for their own sake. They will lie and convince themselves that they are unhappy in order to justify their actions. Logic and reasoning goes completely out of the window. Morals and principles are tossed to the side. And they will never take accountability for their actions. They will either justify or deny their atrocious behavior. Despite doing all the things they know they are wrong, the cognitive dissonance they experience is quite amazing. They still think that they are good people and are deserving of some happily ever after….in spite of walking all over / destroying/ lying/ humiliating/bullying/ and hurting those who depend on them the most.

Even though karma may or may not be real, we have been conditioned by this society from kids to believe that bad people don’t deserve good things. Yet somehow, in their delusional state of mind, they feel that their actions aren’t THAT bad. It’s really scary to know that people can really change like this no matter how long you’ve known them. That family isn’t enough. That being a decent person isn’t enough. That being a good husband just isn’t enough.

Mainstream society really needs to wake up and expose these types of women. It’s a growing epidemic and maybe movies, shows, and public testimonies about these types of women can grant the public awareness to see that it’s not always the men’s faults. Maybe these women would be able to see the damage and havoc they cause if they choose this path if this was something talked about more.

Despite all of the women complaining about how hard it is to find a good man…..or how men destroy/abandon their families. Despite them growing up watching the lifetime and tyler perry movies about an unscupulous cheater who lies and mentally abuses their spouses…..and hating the villain in those movies…..they become those villains in their own life stories and somehow fail to recognize it….or either stop caring that they are.

One difference in my opinion between men and women is that Women seem to simply have poor choices in men from the jump. They might know that the guy has a reputation, many kids, many baby mothers, be in the streets, or have position where he is constantly bombarded with women. They may know that he’s a ladies man and has a history of being unfaithful. Yet they go in, thinking that they aren’t affected by his charm, while not understanding that part of the charm is getting women to fall in love. They fall in love and then act surprised when he treats her just like the other women despite her giving him her best. I don’t know, but it just seems really really stupid to me. I can see having fun with a person if you’re attracted to them, but trusting with your entire mind heart and soul is a whole different thing. Yet they do it…. as if they have no clue that was about to also happen to them. Are they really this stupid and arrogant to think that they have the secret ‘sauce’ to change this guy?

It’s the male equivalent of falling in love with a stripper or prostitute. Like dude, yeah, she’s fun, she can have decent personality….but do you really think that she’s going to be faithful to you in the long run. Do you really think you can wife her and that this is going to turn out ok for you. Are you really falling in love with a ho? I don’t know, some dudes might do this, but I personally have 0 sympathy if they do and get caught up. Like it’s common fucking sense.

On the other hand though, many of these wives start off as ‘good’ girls. There usually aren’t like blatant red flags out there. They seem sweet innocent and loyal. They say and do all the right things. They have the conversations. They seem like good wife material. But it’s like something happens in a marriage where a flip switches and they change up on you. In this case, it’s easy to be fooled since part of a relationship is trusting a person. But before you give that level of trust, you want to know their history….as it’s a pretty good predictor of what’s to come. If she was a hoe or prostitute, you already know that there are certain boundaries she’s willing to cross.

You’d think that women would think the same way when they meet a guy who has a ton of kids and women and have a reputation for cheating. Shouldn’t the unusual ‘charm’ be a clue. I mean I’m always pretty cautious around charismatic / funny people. I may give them a chance, but I always keep my eyes open because I know they are good at influencing people.

Either way, this is why I think that you can’t fall in love with most women out here….even if they come across as ‘nice/good’ girls. They seem to lack the ability to understand what ‘loyalty’ and ‘family’ is all about. For most of them it really is about the feel goods. I think that you have to always have to have the ability to walk away from any situation….even if she is talking a good game. She might actually mean what she says in the moment (you can never really know), but even if she does, there seems to be a switch that she can turn into a unempathetic, ungrateful, unrepentant, selfish person. You may not have anything to do with it. They truly transform into an entirely different person. I don’t know how many guys I’ve heard say “this isn’t the woman I married.”

God forbid you actually fell in love with her and created a family with her and that flip switches. The thing is, that you can never know….because from the stories I’ve heard, these women come from all walks of life. They/ nor sociiety in genral will hold them accountable for this insatiable/self destructive/ family splitting behavior. Society tells them that ‘happiness’ should always be their first priority.

Galaxy Tab S8 Ultra vs S7 Plus

Samsung finally decided to do right and give a decent trade in offer on the Galaxy Tab s8 ultra last week. Before, they were only offering $200 to trade in the s7 plus. As of last week, they were offering $600. Because I only paid like $550 for my s7 plus from an open box deal I got from best buy, I figured it might be a good time to make the jump.

I received the Galaxy Tab S8 ultra on Thursday of last week and have been playing around with it over the weekend. I have 14 days to either return the S8 ultra or send in the S7 plus. Is the new device worth the extra $500 I’d have to pay in order to keep it….. or should I just keep the S7?

I won’t go over the specs of the respective devices because there are a ton of articles and videos detailing them both. I’ll just be talking about my experience with both of them.

I was quite happy with my s7 plus as a media consumption device. I also own the keyboard cover and while I don’t really use it THAT much. It is an accessory that I’d recommend if you can afford it. In addition to offering protection for the screen, it is quite useful for the DEX features if you want to have that laptop experience. The screen is great, but the aspect ratio is a bit weird. I also own the Z-fold 3 and even though the screen is much smaller, the experience in having a more square device seems better than having a rectangular one. It feels like it is made from premium products, but I don’t really like how it feels while holding it in my hands. There’s something about the edges that don’t feel quite right against my skin. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like cold and sharp. Not like it would cut my fingers, it just feels weird to me. I also thought this device was a bit heavy and I wouldn’t want to hold it for a long period of time. I had the o.g. s6 for a while and it’s weight was much more manageable. This isn’t a deal breaker as I can usually just prop it up somewhere near me. Gaming on the the device though is barely manageable. I’ve been playing Genshin Impact a lot lately and it looks and runs pretty good. I have decently large hands, but it’s still a bit uncomfortable to reach all of the on screen buttons. I can do it, but gaming on my smaller z fold 3 is a lot more comfortable. Overall though, I am pretty happy with this device. Samsung’s One UI makes it an amazing multitasking experience. The 120hz refresh rate isn’t something that I really notice with my eyes, but hey, more is better ….right? The sound is pretty decent and I would still say that this is a great tablet for note taking, gaming, and media consumption.

ON the other HAND

The Tab S8 ultra really is a beast of a device. It guess you could call it beauty and the beast as it as also a beautiful device to look at. This thing is huge. The display is absolutely gorgeous. The aspect ratio seems a bit better to me than the s7+ because even though it’s still rectangular, it’s not quite as rectangular.

This thing is also heavy. After carrying it around for a while, then picking back up the s7+, the s7 no longer feels as heavy somehow. In fact, it was a bit in awe at how much lighter it felt. Before, the weight of the s7, though not too heavy, was noticeable. But after wielding the s8 around, the s7 feels….right. Though heavier, it doesn’t have that same cold/sharp feeling that the s7 plus has in my hand. Still though, given the weight difference, I’d much rather carry around the s7+. I can carry the s8 ultra around, but it’s not something I’d want to hold in my hands for a long period of time. It’s just too heavy and too big. If laying in the bed, i’d just use the stand to prop it up. It’s definitely not a device that you’d want to use to read an ebook or something. It’s possible, but again, just too big and too heavy.

One UI is a great experience to me and works well on both tablets. Both can also be used as a second screen and it’s a beautiful thing when using my z fold 3 to connect to DEX wirelessly. The included s-pen works flawlessly and is great for taking notes or swiping through the user interface.

You’re going to want to lay it down flat on the table as opposed to holding it like a notebook because of the weight. While it is possible to hold it like a notebook, I could see it getting uncomfortable after holding it like that for an extended period of time.

Overall, I really like both tablets. For regular students, (not graphic design/animation)….I’d have to recommend the s7+ though. For most people, the ultra just going to be a bit too big and heavy to carry around. The s7+ is large enough to have a really good surface area to take notes. It’s lighter and has all of the functions and features of it’s bigger brother. Despite the minor issue i have with the aspect ratio on a few applications, it’s still a gorgeous display and the snapdragon 888 processor should be more than adequate for at least another 3 years. I think Samsung will be supporting it with updates for at least the next 2. It’s definetely worth the money.

Is the s8 ultra worth upgrading to?….for me, yes and no. From a financial perspective, it’s probably better for me to save the $500….but i really do like the device.

Though heavier and bigger, I’m usually not one handing it for long anyway. I rarely held the s7+ like that, and I probably will be holding this one less because of the weight and size. It’s like I want to hold it more because it looks really cool, but my subconscious brain is like, yeah, put this thing down somewhere and look it at from a distance. I really was amazed at how much easier and lighter the s7+ felt after switching back to it.

In my situation though, I own a z fold 3 that I use in tablet mode while at home anyway. The s7+ in this case became a bit redundant.

The s8 ultra sort of reminds me of a “all in one” computer that’s more portable. Again, i can’t emphasize how great this screen looks. It’s a very sexy looking device. It’s super thin and I’m amazed that something so thin would work so well. It’s a very nice show piece that looks good sitting on a countertop, desk, or dresser. I could connect a bluetooth or stadia controller to it and rock out with streaming game services. I connect wireless DEX to it and can control the screen with my z fold 3. It’s really like having portable monitor/lcd in a way that the s7+ isn’t. Though the s7+ can be used in the exact same way, the s8 ultra just looks way better in my opinion.

The responsible thing for me to do would be just hold on the s7+…..but i don’t always make the most financially responsible decisions when it comes to tech sometimes. It’s not worth it on a practical level, but did I mention how beautiful / sleek and sexy this thing is? I think I’m going to keep it and trade the s7+ in. If I didn’t have the z fold 3 already or had traded it in for the s22 ultra, I probably would have kept the s7+ for the pure tablet experience. But since I already have a tablet screen in my phone, I think that having a portable all in one esque device better satisfies my tech needs.

Ambition

I hear a lot of women say that “ambition” is an attractive characteristic in a man. I often find myself secretly rolling my eyes at this and it is somewhat a turn off. Partially because I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as ambitious so it automatically removes me from a possible candidate to date. I’m actually ok with that because I really only like who likes me, so it’s not a problem.

My biggest issue is that it seems like another hive minded buzz word. One gripe I have about many modern women (well actually people in general) is that they seem to lack self reflection and tend to go with whatever the ‘hive’ deems cool at the time. It’s like they aren’t really considering what they’re saying.

What is ambition anyway? A basic google search is that it is a strong desire to achieve something. But this something is going to be different for different people. For example, a boxer may want to be a world champ. A gamer may want to get a high score in a video game. A lawyer may want to be a judge. A monk may be looking to achieve enlightenment. A crackhead is looking to score some crack.

It may sound like nitpicking, but all of the above examples are examples of ambition. Only one or possibly two are what they actually mean when they say they want a guy who is “ambitious”. Let’s just keep it real. What they mean is that they want a guy who desires and is trying to obtain more money.

I’m sure that many of them would gladly take a lottery winner or an ex-nfl star who has millions of dollars over a guy who’s ambitions lead him to become say… teacher of the year in a high school. So to me, using that term is disingenuous at best most of the time.

Don’t get me wrong, if one’s true ambitions do lead to fame, fortune, riches, and so forth….I have nothing but respect.

It just seems to me that when women say that they want an ‘ambitious’ guy, it’s just a less rude way of saying that they want a rich/wealthy guy. Or a guy who’s ambitions will probably lead to wealth and riches. That’s fine, people want what they want and I’m not the desire police. I just don’t like when people are disingenuous about it. It leads me to believe that they are both dishonest and materialistic.

I can’t but help wonder if I don’t like materialistic women because I’m not wealthy and so they probably wouldn’t like me. Given my “I like who likes me” complex, this could be a possibility.

But i also think that they’d really only like me because I had the money. If I were to lose it, then they’d have no problems with telling me to get lost. On a side note, if I were to ever get a windfall of money, or if I developed a passion that ended up making me rich, I’d probably screw these women, but I wouldn’t wife any of them. I would be running thru them like kleenex during allergy season. So I don’t really blame men who have it and do this. TBH, I don’t see a problem with “high value men” having their way with these women….especially if she came along after he got his wealth.

Finding a woman who isn’t either outright materialistic or deceptive about it is like finding a needle in a haystack. I’m not advocating that people be broke and poor. But it does seem that most women and a lot of men seem to believe that we should always be looking to “level up” and that we should always be “chasing the bag.” Many believe that we should always be striving to live luxury lifestyles full of foreign trips, designer clothes, and expensive cars. They call it “better”.

I really don’t know how, with our limited time on this earth….that this is a better way. Passion is great and all….Ambition is cool too….but hustling for the sake of hustling seems to be a trap as one could easily never find contentment in life. To be honest, that’s fine. If that’s how you want to spend ‘your’ time….I really have no qualms about it. I just hate how those people tend to look down on others who are content with their lives as is. The term lazy and underacheivers get thrown around a lot. Perhaps from a subjective standpoint, this is arguably true. But if the goal is happiness and one is already basically content, then I see no need to hustle and grind for material possessions that you can’t take with you to the grave anyway.

If you aren’t content where you are, then you can ask yourself why. Is it because there is so much societal pressure to conform to this hustle culture….or do you truly want more. I’m thinking that it’s the former for the majority of people as I’m convinced that if the feeling is truly organic and comes from within, then they’d already be acting upon it, finding a way to make it. I think that most people just talk a good game.

We live in unprecedented times. The average middle class American has access to clean running temperature controlled water 24 hour a day. Our toilet water is cleaner than drinking water in many places in the world. We can eat damned near any food we desire….in and out of season….local or domestic. Hunting and farming has been replaced with taking a trip to the local farmer’s market or grocery store. We have central heat and air. We have access to the freaking internet 24×7 in the palms of our hands. We have access to transportation, electricity, relative peace. Relatively good health. Access to pain medication. Work for most isn’t some back breaking endeavor in manual endeavor.

I mean seriously, I’d rather be a middle class person today than a king back some 200 years ago.

Yet with all of this, instead of counting our blessings, many of us are pressed about some designer sunglasses, luxury cars, and material things to impress people that couldn’t give a rat’s ass about us. I think that if you’re healthy, middle class, debt free, and can still have enough money left over to buy a few toys here and there and save and invest in retirement, you’re wealthier than at least 98% of the population in the history of the world. Not a bad hand to be dealt if you ask me.

I’ve read in history how bad a lot of people had it. I see on television and the web how a lot of people live in other places. This isn’t a bad deal relatively speaking. While life isn’t exactly perfect…..i do believe that we do have a lot to be thankful for and honestly. I feel blessed.

Overdosed

I seem to find myself in a sort of reverse sort of soliphistic conundrum where I don’t know if I can trust my own mind. Maybe I’m finally losing it. I don’t know what’s real anymore. Am I wrong for not wanting a relationship.

Am I really damaged because I simply don’t want to play this game of capitulating to the whimsical whims of a woman in order to make/keep her happy. I’ve been talking to a female friend lately and I think I can see why she’s single. It’s madness trying to get her to see things from my point of view. In typical woman fashion, she acts as if what I’m saying is completely outside of reason. Or that I have some sort of mental issues going on.

Just saying. On one hand, when I told her about my wife basically leaving, her immediate question was what did I do or didn’t do. To her, I should have maybe taken her on more date nights, taken her out on more trips since she likes those things. Maybe I should have been more ambitious. … in other words those superficial things (in her opinion) may have been justification for her unhappiness and desire to leave. She also said that maybe the things that I did do for her just weren’t enough for her.

Maybe she’s right. Even though her grounds aren’t biblical enough to renege on her vows (at least from my understanding of them), perhaps it’s a sign of the times. This does however further strengthen my strong conviction that modern marriage just ain’t worth it. The thing that gets me now is that I am no longer desiring to capitulate or cater to the whimsical whims of women anymore. At least not from the heart. I mean perhaps I was looking at this the wrong way. I was thinking that we (in a committed relationship) were to serve one another without necessarily keeping score of who did what. We served each other out of love….almost like how like we do things for our children. Obviously, if things started to feel one sided, you could address it….but the implicit agreement is that we looked out for each other…..serving her was like serving me and vice versa.

But perhaps relationships should be seen as more transactional than utilitarian. The what have/ what are you doing for me mindset should be employed at every turn. Perhaps I sold my “love” for too cheap. That she should constantly be ‘earning’ it and she can lose it if she does not do what I want her to do. I should be making more demands….and even though it’s her choice whether or not to keep up with those demands, her not fulfilling them should determine my level of love and dedication to her.

That happy wife, happy life shit cannot fly. Happy spouse happy house. In other words, I should put me first, us second, and her third.

This goes directly against what I was taught as a child. My mother used to give us the acronym JOY….Jesus, Others, Yourself (in that order)….as the model of how to interface with the world. Perhaps I took it too literally. Maybe this is where the “martyr” complex comes from.

Even today, it seems more selfish than selfless to me, but in a world where selfishness or self comes first to most people, it’s easy for those with the former mindset to be taken advantage of. Empathy starts at home. With me and maybe I should start putting my wants/needs/and desires first above others. Perhaps selfishness isn’t such a bad thing after all. In excess, for sure selfishness is a bad thing…..but maybe the JOY model isn’t meant to be a forever thing. It was a tool to teach me to learn how not to be too selfish. But it should be employed only when necessary.

For me, today, this means that love is transactional and giving from my ‘heart’ is really just about giving so that I can receive. And she really does ‘owe’ me if I do something for her. It’s not about me caring to look out in hopes of reciprocation. It really is about if i scratch your back, you owe it back to me to do …x,y, and/or z.

That’s not love to me, but it seems to be the way of the world. I don’t know if I really like this model. But I’m going to have to start using it….especially towards STBXW or any woman in general. I’m not showing her ‘love’ or ‘appreciation’ unless she is actually doing something tangible that I asked her to do. Any attempt to ‘show’ love doesn’t count unless I specifically ask for it. And even then, it’s only valid until I require something else.

This doesn’t come naturally for me as I’m quite independent. I’ll usually ask once, and if the answer is ‘no’ then I have no problems with just doing it myself. I never required much from people as I’ve usually always felt blessed enough to not to NEED their help. I also hated asking for help as I always felt that I would be indebted to them. But another component of this is to feel entitled. That they should help me if they want my validation and i don’t owe them anything, but validation. It sounds like being a user, but maybe i’ve paid enough debt over the last 40 something years without requiring payment back.

As much as I’ve been complaining about being a doormat, it is because I allowed myself to be one. I only required respect back. This doesn’t work. The lesson in all of this is don’t ask me for shit. Selflessness, thoughtfulness, and putting others first is the quickest way to being walked all over. Entitlement, and the what have you done for me lately mentality needs be radically employed to balance out the scales. Though I thought this mindset was in poor taste at best. Being a servant to others only works if you’re expecting something back. I gotta kill that beta mindset.

If you think about it, beta is second. Alpha is first. Putting myself second and others first as in the JOY model does seem to align with a ‘beta’…. aka your needs first, mine second.

What kind of magic is this?

I really don’t understand the ‘spell’ that stbxw has on me. Is it a trauma bond. I can’t stop being angry with her and you’d think that I’d be completely over it. Like, I don’t expect anything from her. Nothing good anyway. I know she doesn’t love me. I know she’s cheated multiple times. And if she isn’t a narc, she sure has a lot of the characteristics of one. I know that she can’t / won’t change….and even if she claimed to, I wouldn’t believe her. What’s revenge at this point? We can’t fix shit, I don’t want to fix it. Logically, I know that she can’t ‘unfuck’ and ‘unsuck’ all of those guys. Nothing she can say or do will fix the pain and humiliation she put me thru.

I believe it when they say that hating someone is like swallowing poison hoping that the other person will get sick.

Yet for some odd reason, it still really bothers the fuck out of me knowing that she’s out there sleeping with other men. I know I shouldn’t care. I know that the idea that she’s my “wife” on paper does irk me. But really, what’s a piece of damned paper. The vows have been broken…for a long time.

I’m really hoping that divorce will finally bring me some peace. I would think that it really didn’t matter. Maybe I haven’t had enough time to get away. Like, maybe it’s because I have to deal with her so frequently. Maybe it’s because she acts so aloof. Maybe it’s because she expects me to be cool after all the disrespect. I’m not angry with any of my exe’s. I rarely think of them and when I do, I really don’t get upset. I don’t know how this chick hurt me so bad. I never thought it would have been so painful. It was by far the worst pain I ever experienced in life. Still though, I have no clue how 1)emotional pain could have hurt so bad and 2)how long this shit would affect me.

I’m over it, or I’d like to think so, but the fact that it still vexes me so much lets me know that I still have a little ways to go. What do I have to do to get over this? She totally isn’t worth the time i put into thinking about it. It’s never thoughts of hope or reconciliation. It’s mostly about how much I can’t stand her……but tbh, I’d rather not think about her at all.

She’s a special kind of evil in my life. I’m convinced that there is something demonic at play here. There is no way in hell I should be giving her any second thoughts at this point.

Strength

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

-Prayer of Serenity

Even though I’ve pretty much determined that STBXW is a lost cause, the fact that she’s out here cheating vexes my spirit for some reason. She’s practically begging the new supply to leave his girl to get with her. Yeah, i snooped through her phone, sue me. She even went so far as to ask one of the other guys she flirts with if his girl (she sent a picture of her) was attractive. On a side note, the guy asked who the girl was and she said it was a random girl on the internet. The fact that she sent two pictures of the girl should have tipped off that this was personal, but who knows. The guy pretty much said that the girl was ok looking, not his type, but when it comes to choosing a girl, looks aren’t as important as some women think they are. I wholeheartedly agree with that. STBXW may be a little better looking physically, her character is ugly. Can she not see this in herself? Then again, how can people who lack self reflection ever truly know what they look like on the inside.

This is pretty pathetic imo. First of all, her new supply isn’t much of a looker himself, unless he’s just not all that photogenic. Looks are subjective though, so I can’t say much on that front. Secondly, the guy and the girl has a kid together and have been “together” for a while. Why is she even entertaining the idea of trying to steal him. Third, this isn’t the first time she did this as her first affair partner was living with one of his children’s mothers and she had no problems sneaking about with him….even picking him up and dropping him off from their shared home. 4th, why in the hell isn’t she divorcing me. I’ve been active in trying to get a noncontested divorce….going so far as printing out the paperwork and sitting down with her to go over the details. Why is she so noncooperative in assisting me. You’d think she’d be as enthusiastic as I am about it. 5th he told her that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. 6th he’s not the only person she’s texting talking about she wants to have sex with them. 7th her texts are usually very explicit where she initiates the sex conversations. 8th why in the hell is she always sending pics of our kid to these dudes. 9th they don’t send pics of their kids to her. 10 they know that she’s still married….. with her aggressiveness towards trying to hook up, then they probably know that she’s not a victim in all of this. Of course they’ll smash if sex is on the table. I think they’re normal guys though and even though they’ll entertain sex, I really can’t see them taking her on seriously as ‘wifey’….but then again, you never know. But knowing what I know about her, I honestly don’t care and sometimes I do wish one would take her on. Maybe then she’d finally be more cooperative insofar as getting this divorce. She’d be their problem.

Yes, I know that snooping into her personal life is probably a bit toxic on my behalf. Perhaps this is a case of what i don’t know won’t hurt me. But she lies so much that I really need to know what’s going on. I do fear that time may cause me to forget her transgressions and even though reconciliation isn’t on the table for now. Her demeanor makes her pretty easy to get along with, so I while I think those guys are wrong for cheating with a married woman, I can understand how they might see her as a decent person. If I ever thought that she had a change of heart (which she sometimes suggests), I’m afraid that I might be tempted to consider it. Doubtful, but still, call it preventative maintenance. In the unlikely event i did consider it, I could easily test her by asking her questions about the truth since I know way more than she thinks that I do. I still test her at times, just to see if she’s lying and if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was telling the truth. So yeah, I know that snooping is wrong, but in this case, i believe it is a necessary evil since she does have me trapped and remains dishonest.

I still don’t know how she could maintain a level of self respect knowing that she’s married and is doing the things that she is doing. These guys aren’t really expressing interest in her like that….based on the texts anyway. What makes matters even worse is that she knows that these men have girlfriends/wives and she has no problems with trying to steal them away.

What in the hell is going on with her mind? Has she no shame or self respect for herself? I guarantee that publicly, if she had a friend who told her about a desperate married chick trying to get her man, she’d condemn her for it. Especially if the main girl was a decent/good girl to him.

While it does bother me to know that she’s out here playing ‘desperate housewife’ as if I’m some abuser…..it makes me think that I am too much of a simp. Perhaps I am too weak. All I do is complain and try to lecture her. Yeah, I’ve done my thing on the side too in response to her treatment of me, but I haven’t left yet. She has me trapped and she knows it. She’s still using kiddo as a human shield so to speak. She knows that if I pull the trigger, he’s standing in the line of fire.

How did I marry such a wretched and immoral woman? She had me fooled for sure. But if any of these guys knwoing that is is married takes her seriously, then he got it coming. At least they had some warning.

I gotta get out of this. I don’t want her back at all knowing this. She is completely and 100% not a woman I would want to deal with. I am ashamed to be associated with her in this capacity. Kiddo was 8 years old when this started. He’ll be 13 this year. 5 years and many men later, I’m still here and that is shameful on my behalf. As much as I am talking shit about her, this shoudn’t have lasted for so long. My only saving grace is that I think that the ages between 4 and 12 are crucial during child’s mental development. I couldn’t blindside him with divorce as he (as did i) think that we had a pretty happy home. He only knew mommy and daddy. He loved/loves both of us….our family. He loved his home as much as I did. I didn’t want him to feel the pain that I felt. I made the decision for both of us to stay and my only regret is the dignity I willfully lost trying to protect him. I am a protector. I’d die for that kid. But as a young man, he has to learn that change is inevitable and sometimes pain comes along with it. He’s always been smart, yet he was protected from “that life.” We had a loving house hold, we didn’t argue much, we did things as a family, we tried to teach him morals and values. He has matured a lot since being that little 8 year old boy.

Though it won’t be easy, I think that he is old enough for it not to affect him psychologically as bad as it once would have when he was younger….even if the truth has to come out. She’s had 5 years to get her shit together. My youngest sibling was still in high school when she started and she graduates college in a few weeks. Enough has been enough. Since she won’t grant me an amicable divorce, I cannot afford a lawyer, I’m going to have to take it into my own hands and hope for the best. Even if I lose custody of kiddo, it will be worth it to gain my freedom and peace back. Should we worst occur and she get full custody, then I’m confident that the lessons I’ve taught him will keep him in line. I’ll always be there for him either way.

Even if she finds “happiness” with someone else. I KNOW her lack of character and integrity. Her lack of empathy. Her desperation. Her lying. Her inability to see how she disrespects herself. She’s going out bad and taking us all out with her. I cannot allow this generational curse to continue and if I truly love kiddo, I must stand up and do something. Even if it does hurt him in the short term. I’ve already hurt him and myself so much by staying. I’m setting the example of rug sweeping by being a damned doormat all in the name of keeping the peace.

I’m not worried about losing a good woman as a good women wouldn’t / couldn’t put herself into these positions. A good woman would have tried to fix her marriage instead of cheat. A decent woman would have at least left or if she did cheat once, she would have stopped or divorced. She would have taken ownership of destroying her home and hurting her husband. And at least understood that the best thing to do would be take responsibility for her decisions. A good/decent woman would/could not be willing to immorally hurt others, break up her own household, and other households for sex and attention. Despite outside appearances, this woman is wicked in the inside. Something is missing in her head and in her heart. She may hide it well to many. But woe be the tithes to any man who gives his heart to her.

She is the unreasonable one in all of this. I am actually following her lead by not standing up for myself. Toxicity has been introduced and either way this is going to end up messy. This is not my fault as I’ve bent over backwards trying to keep things cordial. She’s taken my kindness, love, and patience for weakness for too long. I will no longer stand by and be humiliated by her lack of empathy, self respect, and lack of respect for our family. I have a son who I must lead. This also goes to leading by example. Though I’m not perfect and have handled this badly so far, I have to fight for our honor and dignity. I fought and struggled to detach emotionally a while ago, but now is the time to take action. That battle has been won, but this war is still isn’t done until I can legitimately say that she is my ex wife.

The fight continues!!!

I cannot change her, but I can change our proximity. God grant me the strength to change the things I can change.

Deeper Radical Acceptance

I still haven’t confronted STBXW about the contents of her phone. I’m not mad. It’s actually kind of entertaining to ask her questions, spin truths as hypotheticals, and ask her take on possible scenarios. Just to see her lie. I explain how cheaters operate. I explain how they often lie, gaslight, and pretend they are no longer having affairs. I’ve even asked if she did any of those things as people who cheat tend to operate from the same playbook. As usual, there are just more denials and lies.

It’s somewhat scary to see how easily people can just lie and it not bother them. Even with me knowing this, I checked the phone again and it showed just last week where her new AP was like, “why didn’t you delete the texts if you knew he had access to your phone.” In her mind, she thinks I just saw his name on the recents screen. She maintains the lie that she no longer talks to him and says that iphones just do that. To be petty, I was almost tempted to send him screenshots of the texts between the other guys….but tbh, it’s his problem as he knows she’s married…..and since he’s wanting to help keep it a secret, it shows that he isn’t just some sap being lied to at about me.

I’ve come to accept that this is just how the minds of some people work. They’re texts are reminscent of her first AP….where he also was cheating on his girl with her. This new guy is cheating on his girl with her as well. It’s sick and disgusting. It’s not surprising as both of them belong to professions where cheaters are very common. Law enforcement and nursing.

It was her idea to take kiddo to church this weekend for Easter Services. I shouldn’t have gone. On the way in, she tried to hold my arm to escort her into the church which I pulled away. I mean come on dude. Though I am starting to understand that cheaters/narcs are just who the fuck they are….I still don’t get how they can sleep at night.

I gotta endure this until I can get this divorce. I still can’t afford it, i already owe hella student loan money and she’s not being helpful with the noncontested divorce process.

But TBH outside of her infidelity, lying, and gaslighting attempts, she’s ok. She’s not an unsufferable person to deal with. She’s pretty easy going, helps with the bills, seems to care for kiddo, and pays for things. She doesn’t argue much and doesn’t harrass me about what I be doing.

Even though I’m not sure how karma works or even if it’s a real thing, I take come comfort in knowing that she’s not just like that because of me. That any guy who would be foolish enough to trust her would ultimately and most likely get cheated on. She isn’t consciences. She lacks integrity, empathy, and morals regardless of what type of situation she’d be in. If this wasn’t the case, then she would actually feel bad about doing what she does. Any good woman/wife worth marrying would not have operated the way that she did/does. Self respect and empathy would have just come naturally to her. It’s not something you can teach. It’s either in you or not. I don’t think this is a phase, it is who she is and she’s probably always been and unless some come to Jesus moment happens, she’ll always be that way.

That said, she is who she is. And though I judge her based upon my personal set of standards about integrity and truth. It’s only because she’s married to me and it looks like i’m going out bad.

Personally, I cannot let it bother me that a zebra has stripes or a leopard has spots so to speak. It is what it is. I picked bad, and it’s making me look bad, but it’s out of my hands. There is nothing I can do short of leaving. No pick me dances here. No trying to change her. She either cannot change or truly sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing. There is nothing I can do to change that. But it’s assuring to know that I didn’t fuck up in the sense of making her do these things. I didn’t force her hand AT ALL. Her choices and actions were and are entirely up to her to own or not.

The enforcement of personal boundaries is all i can do at this point. I refuse to sleep in the same bed with her. No cuddles though she wanted to last night. I was tempted as she was naked. Shit man, Idk why I am so weak for sex. I’m glad I didn’t because if she rejected me for sex, it would have made me angry based on the principle.

I asked her how would it make me look cuddling next to her, doing all of this stuff I do for her, laying next to her… only to have her leave and give sex and oral to a guy who isn’t doing any of that. She may not respect me, I got way more self respect than that. = Of course she lied and denied very convincingly saying that she doesn’t deal with him anymore…..but I got evidence. I wasn’t even mad, I just responded with “yah ok”. and proceeded to sleep on the couch. I know who she is now. I don’t think she even thinks about those things the way I do, but that goes back to her lack of empathy and awareness.

If I’m honest, I do want to fuck her (no love making)…but really it’s just to get back at him. Ideally she’d give me oral and go back and kiss him in the mouth. I’m not putting my lips anywhere near hers. Sleeping with her could prove detrimental to my healing….so IDK if it’s a great idea. Plus, she doesn’t strike me as the type who would use protection. So possibly detrimental to my health. Given all the dudes she’s having sex with/ potentially having sex with. Based on their dispositions it seems that they are bottom scrapers who will sleep with anyone and not worry about protection either.

None of that sharing drinks, staws, utensils, dipping sauce or anything. I’m careful to make sure kiddo doesn’t share anything with her either.

If she was only a baby mama, I’d be much better mentally. Divorcing her probably would ironically make me seem like a threat to them as they might worry if she was sleeping with me. It seems more believable that she isn’t sleeping with her husband when she visits, but it seems less believable if I was just her cool “baby daddy.”

My story is showing how marrying the wrong person can fuck you up in so many ways. Be careful out there.

Will Smithed

I downloaded the custody forms and took them home to go over with STBXW. This chick actually sat there and went to sleep on around the 3rd question. Like bruh. It’s 6pm. Seriously, why is she like this? I grant that it does take time to go through the questions and think these things out, but come on, this is kind of important. Midway through, I got frustrated with her non participation, playing on her phone, and dozing off. I’m going to have to get a mediator. It’s impossible to fill out scheduling and custody arrangements if I don’t know where she’s going to be living and she’s barely helping me out with the questions.

Why is she like this? Because she is. The only conclusion is that she’s for the streets. This isn’t an just an insult. It’s a fact. I married a wanna be party girl. The only thing she takes seriously is her job. She wants everything to be fun….like all the time. She doesn’t contemplate life. I don’t really know what or even if thoughts run across her mind. Neither one of us are what you’d call long term planners. We’re both kind of fly by the seat of our pants, go with the flow kind of people. Therefore we don’t balance each other out. We’re not really good for each other.

The difference is that I’m a bit more self reflective. I accept this about myself and understand that I have to deal with the consequences. I know that if I want certain results, I have to put in the work, deny myself, or whatever it takes it get it. If things don’t work out, I generally know why and it falls on me. Her on the other hand doesn’t acknowledge this about herself and therefore she lacks accountability.

I generally care about how I treat others and my rule of thumb is the golden rule of treating others the way I’d like to be treated. Her biggest issue is that she just doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll hide things to protect her so called image. But in her head, if she didn’t get caught, it didn’t happen. And if she does get caught… deny, lie, or gaslight. If successful, it didn’t happen in her mind. This makes her for the streets. If u can’t trust someone to at the very least take ownership of their shit, then forget about honesty, open communication, and trust. She’s cool, but not as a wife or reliable friend.

The dudes fucking with her probably just want some pussy, head, and money from her. They are probably just using her to get the most, while giving as little as possible to get it. I’d be a hypocrite to say that I wouldn’t do the same thing. I can’t be mad at them….. because if we weren’t married, I’d do the same damned thing. I wouldn’t consider wifing her. She’s the fun girl. The escape. I’d milk that shit till the wheels fell off or she walked away. Especially if she made it so damned easy.

In the south, we used to call a naive person a ‘lick’. I recall thinking to myself when I was getting to know her that a lot of dudes would see her as a ‘lick’. As in, they could easily use her. At the time, I thought it was endearing. Like she needed protection. But now I realize that even though she is a ‘lick’…. she’s selfish, immoral, and easily corrupted.

Her levels of manipulation are crude, but effective in the sense of she just doesn’t give a fuck. She doesn’t respect herself, doesn’t realize it, so how could she ever really respect a significant other? Perhaps I was the ‘lick’ in this instance in that I completely underestimated her. She love bombed the fuck out of me in the beginning and I fell hard for it. If I didn’t know her like I do, and she gave me that sort of attention….. in short, she can be dangerous to a good hearted person.

I was drinking last night and told her that IF she treated the guys she’s talking to the way she treated me AND they were stuck in a marriage with her, they probably wouldn’t like her either.

I’d guess that those guys would be shocked to know that he isn’t the only Good Morning handsome and I want to suck your d texts that she sends out. She’s love bombing them too with the texts, gifts, and almost effortless pussy. I wonder if they are hip to it or if they are falling for it.

I actually saw a text exchange between her and one of women of one of the guys. In it she told the girl that she was still going to deal with him anyway so it was no point in complaining to her about it. This is the level of savagery I’m currently tied to. She’s a side chick, knows it and doesn’t give a fuck and still deals with other dudes on the side. None seem to have ‘fallen’ for her so far, but again, who’s going to turn down free pussy, a free room, free liquor, and a chick telling them how much she wants to have sex with them.

Knowing this about her, like I said, she is who she is. Why is she like this? Who the fuck knows, and it’s not really a question worth answering at this point because she doesn’t seem to care enough to want to change. She’s a demon and has been dragging my soul through hell because I was foolish enough to start a family with her.

But, understanding this, I realize that the reason I’m so upset isn’t because she’s like this. It’s because she’s like this and I’m MARRIED to her. I probably would have been upset had she changed in the middle of a relationship, but I could have easily just walked away. If she was a fling, side chick, friend with benefits/ situationship….. I could walk away once I found out how far in the streets she was. I’m not into sharing women so that side dude thing wouldn’t cut it with me. I’d just have wished her a good life and kept it moving.

Even if she was just my kid’s mother, I could deal with it because it ain’t on me what the hell she’s out there doing. Just make sure kiddo is safe. As of now though, it’s disrespectful because I’m placed in a cuckhold position against my will. It’s humiliating and an embarrasing. She can walk around in this degraded / low value position all she wants, but now, I’m attached to it. Some dude(s) actually get off more knowing that some guy’s wife is sucking him off. He gets more pleasure based on my pain and suffering. His ego is stroked at the cost of my self respect as a man. Ultimately, the desire to want to keep my family together and he gets more pleasure from it. It’s sick and disgusting. And to that end, she doesn’t give a fuck….and in fact it goes to further her agenda of providing maximum pleasure in her attempts to love bomb these guys.

What kills me most is that she claims to love our child, but yet doesn’t even consider how disrespectful it is to allow for his father to be humiliated like that. It doesn’t even bother her one bit to allow the one guy he looks up to the most, the one who loves and cares about him the most, the one who takes care of him, teaches, guides, and mentors him to be disrespected like that. All on behalf of her wicked twisted sense of pleasure. She has us all out here looking like some damned idiots. This is another reason why I’m gonna have to rip the band aid off. Though kiddo doesn’t know all of this, there are principles involved.

She’s for the streets for sure and I don’t have a problem with women like that per se. But when the cost of you not respecting yourself also brings shame and humiliation upon your family (more specifically, my family) that’s when I have to draw the line.

I need this divorce ASAP and it’s on me to get it knowing that she’s not going to help….AT ALL.

I think am going to stop typing and complaining on here and start doing something.

It has been a good outlet to vent, but I think i’ve said everything I needed to say about this issue.

Strange Fruit

It’s a hard to thing to accept that my stbxw is a whole ho out here.

Whenever I think the bar is low, she comes back and sets it even lower. What the fuck could possess a woman to be so damned, disgraceful? Like how doesn’t she find her actions reprehensible. Like how can one be aware of morals and values, act offended when they see others “doing wrong”, and yet not bat an eye or lose sleep over sinking so low herself. Does she not know that her value is lowered? Does she not feel bad about lying to people like that? How could she respect herself? I mean even if others don’t know ( i still haven’t told her that I know)….she does. Women generally don’t sleep with a bunch of guys like that unless there is something going on upstairs…. i don’t think.

Is this some sort of mental illness. Is she possessed? Is she on drugs? Early onset of some sort of degenerative brain disease? Did she fall and bump her head? Or maybe this is just another strange condition of the human psyche. What’s obvious is that she really doesn’t give a fuck. It’s easy to judge her, but I really don’t understand what the fuck in going on in her head. Like lady, you’re losing it. Like that thing that makes us decent human beings is lost. That light that she once had is replaced by darkness and she can’t even see it. Am I tripping? Is this just a case of a woman ‘claiming’ her sexuality?

How many women are out here like this, but like her, hides it. My cousin once told me that she is moving like a “dude”. He doesn’t know how right he is. She’s moving like a fuck boy. I don’t know who this woman is. I haven’t known her in a while. But it seems that as time progresses she’s moving further and further from the woman I once knew.

I don’t know what happened to her. I know that people change over time, but this seems drastic. I wonder if she’ll ever wake up some day and regret this time period in her life. Or will she continue to suppress it and continue on as if nothing even mattered. This can’t be normal. It seems unhealthy. She’s too damned old to be going through a ho phase. She’s losing her mind. It appears that she’s lost her soul. She is actually for the streets!!! She’s a demon inside of a human body. Lust has completely overtaken her it seems. Her morals and values….gone. The real things that once made her ‘worth it’ totally destroyed. It’s really sad to see her go out like that.

It would appear that she’s headed down a path of self destruction. Only time will tell though. If she ever does come back to the light, will she able to look at herself in the mirror without regret? Or perhaps she’s on the path of becoming (if not already become) a full fledged demon.

I need a divorce and some holy water ASAP.

I’m just trying to make sense of it all.