How Times Have Changed

In most of modern history, men were expected to be the breadwinners and financial providers for the family. More recently though, I’d say within the last 30 years or so, women’s rights have afforded many women the opportunity to afford be financial providers for themselves and their families. Though the e

There seems to be sort of disconnect between the role of men and women working in the home. In my family, (and I believe the african American community as a whole) both husband and wife both worked. I can’t speak for other people, but my grandparents and parents both worked jobs to provide income for the family. A stay at home wife was not something most families could afford. In fact, my mother was more educated than my father, and made more money than him….even though he did always work or was never out of a work for too long.

So growing up, seeing this, I thought it was normal. I never thought or made much mind of who actually made the most money. The household duties were pretty much split as far as i can tell and both parents worked and did their best with the money they brought in. I was never privy to any information about financial difficulties arising because one felt like the other wasn’t providing their financial weight so to speak.

It was a rude awakening when I grew up to realize that my family may not have been the norm when it comes to this, but perhaps an exception to the rule. Then again, my mom is a bit different from a lot of women as well. She’s not really all that materialistic. She never owned, nor expressed a desire to own things like designer clothes, fancy bags, luxury cars, or the largest house on the hill. She never seemed interested in “building an empire” or taking fancy trips and vacations overseas.

As far as I can tell, her biggest issue with pop was his constant infidelity. So I’m thinking when I grow up, I’m gonna be able to rock the hell out of this being a husband thing. Just work, provide what I can financially, help with the household duties and kids, don’t cheat, and most importantly, love and support my wife.

Shit….i took it even further and chose to keep fit in the gym.

As the infamous Mike Tyson says, “we all have a plan, until we get hit the mouth.” And damn, life clipped me pretty good on that one. Here are 10 things that I missed.

1)Modern women have too many got damn options. Between thirsty simps willing to say and do anything to get in bed with her and social media providing the platform to make this happen. It will almost be impossible to keep men away from your woman (especially if she’s somewhat attractive). Old crushes, flames, high school sweethearts, college situationships, workplace crushes all give women too many options. There is a saying that says that most people are only as faithful as their options. It’s only a matter of time before she exercises one of those options to a persistent beta or narcissistic alpha.

2)Divorce is no longer a stigma in society. In fact, in some cases, it seems to be a bit of a rite of passage. Certain feminist mindsets have given women a sense of entitlement to where they can really do no wrong. That they deserve the best of the best. And anything less is settling. Their personal happiness is of the upmost importance and every women is a princess who deserves it no matter what it takes to have it. Even if that means leaving the family to “find herself”. Or running off with her “true soulmate”. She is always encouraged to “live her truth” regardless of what it takes to get it. They equate being miserable with not being optimally happy. If they have to cheat to get it, then guess what, they will and not lose any sleep over it…..especially since she probably thinks she’s settling for you anyway. To top it off, society doesn’t really hold them accountable if they engage in toxic behavior.

3)Because they make their own money, then they feel that the man should make more. This even goes for women with 6 figure incomes. Ironically, they never have a problem if men make more. In fact this is ideal for them. I’m thinking that some gender roles are human constructs and not necessarily always based on biological factors. This is one of them.

In ancient times, it made sense for men to go out and hunt animals as we are naturally bigger, stronger, and faster. In not so ancient times, we lived a patriarchal society where women did not have many rights, nor the ability to acquire or keep resources.

In more recent times however, many women are in a position to provide more financially, but feel they cannot submit to a man who makes less money than them. They would leave an otherwise decent man over this as they feel that they cannot respect him. They equate net worth to self worth….as many humans do. It be like that.

4)Women feel the need to go through a “hoe phase”. In the past, it was said that men needed to go out and “sow their royal oats.” Dunno how I feel about that. Maybe some do, maybe some don’t. But I don’t really like hoes. I mean outside of sex. If i find out she was a hoe in a previous life, it sort of kills it for me. I generally equate hoes to cheaters and once a cheater always a cheater maybe. And who in the hell wants to be known as the guy who married the chick who got a train ran on her by the varsity baseball team. It’s like the more sex she’s had the less you want to wife her or something.

Sex for men, or for me anyway is an effort based thing. Pussy pretty much feels the same. Great. I pretty much judge the sex by how much she’s also into it. Unless she’s a total starfish, has a huge canyon down there, refuses to take it if it is a bit big for her, has bad hygiene, can’t kiss at all, or refuses to go down, then she’s good enough. Say out of 50 women, I’d say only 10 are bad sexually. But that said, good pussy is quite common and so not really that special.

On the other hand, say she goes through a hoe phase and gets that 10inch monster or the guy who fucks her better than you ever did. She’s likely to go back to him (if not just for sex) while with you on the low. Just saying, the more sex she’s had, the more likely she has a favorite and the less likely it’s you, unless you’re the 10’er. How can you expect to keep her sexually satisfied forever if you were never her favorite to begin with. They all tell you that you’re the biggest and or best ever. But they probably tell all guys that unless he’s unusually terrible. I used to fall for it, but even though I’d rather hear it than not, I usually don’t believe them.

5)Women don’t like nice guys. Understandable. But I’m pretty sure they don’t like good guys either. At least they don’t until they get older. But by then, many guys have been burned bad by falling in love. Being a good/nice guy is considered being a simp. All the the things as far a courting goes has a weird effect of making them like you more, but becoming less attracted to you. You can balance this out by being a “bad guy” who’s nice sometimes. But you genuinely have to be mostly selfish though. You must naturally have dark triad characterisitics like narcicism, a little psycopathy, and a hint of machiavelianism, and it has to be ingrained in you. You have to be a “bad ass” in order to gain attraction. Women i’ve talked to said that those guys make them feel more secure. It works for some guys as they are naturally like that, but I don’t think that women realize that “good guys” don’t really fear “bad guys.” I’ve never feared a man because i thought he was a “thug” or “gangster”. Go figure? It would seem that those types come with the opportuinity for things to go south. I just don’t deal with them and tbh, at least where I’m from, guys don’t fuck with you unless you’re a pushover. There is a certain level of respect that you show and most cases you’re good. No need for posturing or being the top dog in the room. I know I can hold my own with the best of them so why invite the bullshit if unnecessary.

6) The less you like her, the more she likes you. This sort of goes into point 5. You can’t really show her a lot of love unless you’ve done some fucked up thing to her. Otherwise, the relationship gets stale and boring. Or she doesn’t think of you as a challenge and she loses attraction. You have to spike her emotions between happy and mad or happy and sad. In order to do this, you really can’t give a fuck about her. The easiest way really i think is to cheat. Sad to say, but if you want to keep her attracted, you have to cheat in order to keep yourself from feeling desperate about her. If she ain’t complaining, then you aint gaining. If you don’t fight, you ain’t doing something right. They love toxic and struggle love. If you don’t like to argue or find things to be mad about, then a relationship probably isn’t going to work for you. Unfortunately, cheating is a must. Having only 1 girl is worse than having none these days.

7)Money is everything. Just like a woman with great looks gets a lot of chances. Men with a lot of money get the same priveleges. She really only loves you because of your money. Just don’t be too weird, decent looking, and she’ll drop anything for you if you’re wealthy. Money is god to most of them. You can have the look, personality, compatibility, etc, but the most important thing on the list is the money. Even if they say it isn’t.

8)You have to be an entertainer. If you cannot keep her laughing, then you’re fucking up. That’s not the end all be all, but if another guy can make her laugh more than you, then you’re going to have problems on your hands.

9) Love is conditional and transactional. If you fail to keep her happy. She won’t hesitate to jump ship or at the very least cheat to get her “emotional needs” met. They may fight for struggle love, but not boring love. Come to think of it, it makes sense. If she’s always distracted by the bullshit you put her though, she cannot ever see the real you. If, one the other hand, she see’s the good you too much, and that’s not enough, then what hope is left. At least if she can put a finger on some bad behavior, then there is potential for you to change. If you’ve already shown your potential….and it isn’t enough, then she loses hope and is ready to move on the to the next one.

Women don’t want your love, they want money, status, trips, vacations, happiness, entertainment, great sex, a therapist, psychologist, a great provider, entertainer, protector, comedian, corporate thug, a faithful man who all other women want, one who puts them in their place while at the same allows them to get away with everything. They want an enforcer, god fearing hell raising, bad man who turned his life around because of her and turned into a successful empire owner. Fail to miss even one one of those demands, she’s unhappy, unless you can trauma bond with her. Otherwise good luck, good guy.

10) Most women over inflate their value. Ugly women don’t know that they’re ugly. Fat chicks don’t care that they’re fat. Many women don’t know that they are average at best. Every one of them thinks that her pussy is uncommonly good. Even if her looks are decent, many have serious personality issues that need work. But none can seem to acknowledge it. Each one thinks they deserve the perfect man of their dreams. Anything less is settling.

Checking Out

I don’t really understand the mentality behind how my stbxw just checked out of our marriage. I think this is the hardest part to understand and get over. I mean I know I wasn’t perfect, but our marriage didn’t seem to have any more problems than any other.

I mean check out as in, not even want to work on it. Like with no warning. How could she have so many problems and have no complaints about them. It seemed like things were fine one day and terrible the next. She admits that she isn’t the best communicator of her feelings. Perhaps she was harboring pent up resentments or something.

I mean still though, to go so far as to throw away your whole family without trying is demoralizing to me. I mean, were things that bad with me that she’d be willing to have affairs and simply just not care. Though the literature says that it isn’t my fault, at least for the cheating part…’s hard not to take it personally.

In ways it’s like it seems that I’m such a terrible person that she’s willing to walk away from her family without attempting to fix/work on anything. And it’s hard not to think that it’s not my fault. Perhaps there’s something triggering my deepest insecurities. Was is the sex? Is it my personality? How am I so offensive that it would cause someone to just abandon their morals and leave their family. How could she just be THAT person as if it’s something she HAS to do. Didn’t our memories, marriage, vows, family, kid…mean anything to her.

How does one just “check out” of a marriage? How does one just stop caring about their spouse? Abandon them for no obvious reason (at least to me) and just say fuck you and your feelings. I mean I didn’t do anything terribly wrong. Am I just that terrible? That pathetic? That unredeemable that she could just discard me and our friendship like an old shoe.

This speaks to my deepest insecurity about not being good enough and perhaps this is why it hurts so much. I talk my shit about her sure, but despite ALL of her flaws and imperfections, I never deemed her unworthy as to just abandon her emotionally like that. I was always there for her. She was my wife. She’s far from perfect herself, but when you love someone, those things aren’t deal dealbreakers. I truly thought of her as a friend and even if we weren’t going to be together in a romantic sense, why be so damned evil, disrespectful, and cruel about leaving our family.

Perhaps she never truly loved me. If she did, things would have turned out better. But even still, without the ‘romantic’ aspect of love afoot……i mean how could she just not give a fuck. I thought we had a pretty special thing. And even though looking back, I can see that we aren’t compatible on so many levels, how could she have so little respect for our family, me, or my feelings in this. How could she just be so callous and cold to me despite me being there for her in so many ways in the past?

And there seems to be no remorse. Despite acknowledging in personal conversation that she wouldn’t want someone treating her, our son, or her friends and family like she treats me, it’s like she’s oblivious in a way as to how bad this shit hurts. I mean how could you knowingly and willing treat a person who demonstrated that they had your back so many times in so many ways so badly….and not lose an ounce of sleep over it.

I want karma, but I know it doesn’t necessarily work that way. So i won’t wait around for a “downfall” from her. That’s something I have no power to control.

Perhaps I’ve never been truly fucked over like this, by someone who was that close to me.

I know that we aren’t good for each other, I don’t really want her back. Too much has transpired for me to even consider it. Her behavior shows a deep character flaw that is a deal breaker for me (insofar as having a relationship with her) But somewhere deep down I’m hurting so fucking bad right now. And I just can’t figure out why. Despite having the validation and support of family, friends, and a few lovers on the way….it’s so hard to shake this hurt off.

If that was love that I had for her, i don’t want it anymore for anyone. It’s not work the risk. It truly sucks. I have to protect myself and my heart in case I either mis-guage the situation or she ever switches up on me. I’ll never love that deep again for sure.

It was a pretty bad day emotionally.

Big Deal

Just when you think that a person can’t get any lower, they prove to you that they can. I am starting to get uneasy when around her. I’ve given up the bedroom and started sleeping on the couch. Last night, after a pretty heated debate. Perhaps some might call it an argument even though there was no yelling involved. I woke up to find that the bedroom door was locked. When asked why she locked it, she said that she was afraid that I might do something to her. ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? I have never not once even jumped at her. Now she is playing victim in all this.

Yes, I do talk my shit so to speak as far as asking her to justify how in the hell she thinks that what she’s doing is remotely ok. I tell her that she cannot be transparent with others. Though she claims that certain people know what she’s doing. Her current affair, her old affairs, etc. Sadly, these people also know me and yet they still don’t talk her out of it. From her testimony, they are sorry we are going through this and wants her to be happy. As if she isn’t responsible for cheating and putting us in this situation to begin with.

Yet, she won’t leave given that the apartment is considered marriage property and she has the right to be there. She claims to want to want be there with kiddo until she gets a travel assignment. It’s been a few months and still nothing though. Any day can be the day.

I just cannot believe that she’s on that time even though she has shown me over and over again that she is. Now she wants to claim that she’s afraid of me. I’m pretty sure she’s playing victim for her friends and lover. This is dangerous because as a man, and as a black one at that, the police and law enforcement would have no problems locking my black ass up first and asking questions later.

I have nowhere else to go. I moved back into that apartment as favor to her and now I’m paying for being so got damned nice. There is a lesson in that, and I suppose that I am learning it the hard way. She is NOT my friend. She doesn’t have my best interest at heart, and now it seems that she’s evolving to be even more sinister and evil (to me anyway) than before. I have no clue what she’s willing or capable of doing to me, but this episode has opened my eyes to realize that I cannot take her lightly.

How did i end up with a woman like that? Is she crazy? Is she possessed? Was she always like that and I just missed the red flags? Or is it me? Am I delusional? Am I wrong? Am I missing something? I know people out here in the world are dealing with much worse situations. Unemployment, poverty, health issues, actual abuse, taking care of sick / disabled loved ones, major depression….etc. I should be thankful that things are as good as they are as in actuality, things could be much worse.

I guess I just gotta do what I gotta to do deal with it and cope until she leaves. Acceptance is understanding that she is who she is.

The Dark Game of Love

They say that all is fair in love and war. When winning comes at any cost, nothing is off the table. There are few rules. No morals. No ethics. Only objectives. In fact, morality it seems is a hindrance to winning. Ethics are for the weak who can’t see life what what it is. It’s a control mechanism that those in power use to manipulate the masses as a whole.

To win, is to have their heart while at the same time not giving yours in return. You want them to fall in love with you. It is to be in a position where you can walk away quite easily while they are stuck on you. You can easily replace them. They mean little to you as a person, but they are more of a tool to show how desirable you are, prevent lonliness, get validation, and sex. It’s simply an ego boost.

To achieve this, it seems that you must use trickery and deceit. That is, if you truly want them to love you. You must say and do whatever necessary to make them believe in the soul mate myth. You must be that person who validates them and make them feel worthy.

You build a pedestal beneath them……carefully as not to seem too desperate. You must make them feel loved while at the same time keep enough distance to make them think that they won you over with their ‘positive attributes’. You “get them”. You are star crossed lovers.

People are susceptible to gifts and compliments. Well timed jokes help. Feigning vulnerability at opportune times help seal the deal. Listening to them, not trying to help, but allowing them to talk, vent as you listen gets them to open up.

Never judge. Never try to fix. Only listen. Ask thoughtful questions. Be a therapist of sorts. But never judge. Judging is only for people who believe in soulmates. The goal isn’t to fall in love or be in love. It is for them to be in love, while thinking (or at least hoping) that you are.

You see, it’s better to be loved than it is to love. Selfish I know, but you cannot love a woman for real and expect her to stay in love with you. She isn’t your friend. She is your lover first. In order to keep yourself from getting too caught up, you must cheat….unless you’re naturally some sort of psychopath. It also helps you maintain an air of mystery.

You have to really be willing to walk away. And it’s a game of being able to have the next person and the next person and as many persons a possible to be in love with you at the same time. Keep this in secret though. They must wonder about your loyalty to them. It’s ok assure them with your words though your actions SUBTLY speak otherwise.

The fear of losing you creates a sort of desperation on their end. It’s like a cat playing with a string or ball of yarn. Once it has the string or yarn figured out, it gets bored and moves on to the next shiny object.

They can sense discrepancy. They have to sense it…..otherwise, they get bored. But Often times, if they are too deep, they can’t walk away. It’s as if the pain bonds them closer to you. The curiosity keeps them engaged. As they try to regain that “admiration” you had for them. Or resolve that conflict of what they think they believe and what you tell them.

Lying also keeps their mind on you. It makes them question their own sanity. It makes them think about you more often as they worry if you’re telling the truth. Are they really insecure. You wouldn’t cheat….Would you? Don’t tell stupid lies. Avoid them as much as possible, but also, don’t lie so well that they never figure it out. Everything is strategic. It’s to keep them second guessing themselves.

Keep them off balanced. Be hot and cold. Give gifts. Don’t answer calls all the time. Show desire, but not desperation. It’s a balancing act of keeping them on the line. Never too much and not too little. Well timed lies mixed with words of encouragement. Innuendoes. Much progress can be made after a great sex session. It’s not about sex. It’s not about desiring them as a person. It’s only about making them fall in love with you.

Remember that it’s better to be loved than to love. Only simps fall in love with anyone. You lose your power. They cannot respect you if you love them back with your heart. You say it, you sound convincing. You play the role as necessary. But you never mean it.

You enhance the effects by creating drama. They get bound by trauma. Break ups and make ups. They desperately try to figure out “how do you think that.” or “Why did you do that?” They may question your intelligence at times. You do just enough to push them off, but not away. You string them along. At least until you’re done with them.

It’s a dirty game. It’s not for the faint of heart. Only suckers love. It’s only about validation. People with “good intentions” get eaten alive out here. The sheep get devoured by the wolves.

The secret to love is to never fall in love. It doesn’t exist. It’s just a chemical addiction that…. if played skillfully enough… can voluntarily induce into others while avoiding the same. You’re a drug dealer who doesn’t use his own product. You want to create infatuation in them while avoiding it yourself. Do what you will with it. But playing the game sloppy is an indication that you’re losing the edge.

Being “in love” is involuntary. Loving someone is. Otherwise it’s simply infatuation. But if you can induce the feeling in yourself strategically, on occasion, you can use mirror neurons to your advantage. Don’t overindulge. These are powerful chemicals. Just remember that it’s just a game and do what’s necessary to prevent yourself from getting addicted.

We all play this game on some level. Many just get caught up in the role and play it with our ego. Remember that. You lose the game if you fall harder. It’s just a game. Not real. It’s a myth like Santa, the gods, and most heroes of the past.

There is no love. Only attraction and honeymoon phase energy. Lust and seduction. Attraction is more powerful than love to most people these days. It’s why money and looks is greater than character.

It’s a dark, dirty game. Those willing to do whatever to win are the victors and those who don’t know will always lose.

Narcs have an advantage as this comes naturally to them. They’ve had YEARS of practice. Empaths must overcome their nature to love. BUT Empaths, should we choose to embark on this journey have the capacity to play it much better as we intuitively KNOW how to induce love on a deeper level.

We have to start leveraging our strengths. Overcome our pride. And learn to shut out that sense of morality. Not an easy task……I’d say as difficult as it is for a Narc to stop being so damned selfish.

Either we play the game or get played in it. They’d probably do it to you as most people believe in their own personal happiness by any means anyway. You mean nothing to them other than a sense of validation or security. Remove that and they’re cheating with the next person who can provide that for them. REgardless of your intentions. Regardless of you “proving” your love to them. Regardless of whether or not you truly love them back. A woman would rather be a player’s whore than a good man’s wife. Or better yet, she’d rather be both. Which side of the fence do you want to be on?

We live in a sick, fucked up world. The faster we acknowledge this….the better off we are. Don the cloak of the unassuming sheep to get their guard down. Douchey, I know. But in the end, the douche always gets the girl. The person who cares the least has the most power. This isn’t some disney fairy tale. A woman cannot respect a man who doesn’t have this power over her. She loses attraction once she KNOWS she got u like that. Only simps love a woman with their hearts. He is bound to get broken by her.

You must lose that idea of a soulmate. They don’t exist for men. And is only an illusion. But most women prefer fantasy over reality. Never invest more (money, time, resources) in a woman than you’re willing to lose. This is a game and you will win some and lose some. But the key is to not get so caught up as to make it your identity. Love ain’t real. But….

All is fair in love and war.

I know

I know that she’s no good for me. I know that she lied, cheated, betrayed, and pretty much showed me that she doesn’t respect me. I know that she checked out the marriage and basically abandoned me to figure it out. I know that she doesn’t want to be here. I witnessed her see me in so much pain (that she inflicted) and continue to act as if she did NOTHING wrong. As if I somehow deserved this. As if her temporary pleasure was worth destroying me, my spririt, my mental health, and my family.

Not to mention the tons of personal reasons which tell me that she isn’t right for me. As the bible says, “love covers a multitude of sins.” Now that the love is gone, all of these ugly sins sit there uncovered. I can now clearly see the red flags which indicate that I was indeed settling myself.

I don’t want her back. I like who likes me. I don’t want to keep her anyway. I know that I don’t deserve this. And besides that, we still aren’t good for each other. Her heart is corrupted, her mind gone, and body tainted.

This thing is broken and can’t be fixed. I can’t nor do I want to fix it. I just want to be over it.

I Fear

I fear that she might win. That she hurt me so bad and just gets away scott free. That perhaps karma won’t catch up or God won’t punish her for being so wicked to me. That she might actually find “happiness” at the cost of me and our son’s family and relationship.

How could she be so wicked and just “win”? What did I do so bad to deserve so much pain, humiliation, and disrespect. Especially if I didn’t do anything but try to do right by her. How would it be that she deserves “happiness” when she willfully and knowingly did this. To me, to our family, to our kid. It just doesn’t sit right. Where is the justice? How can someone who thinks this is ok. Or not so bad just get off scott free.

I know that I should only be worried about me. But how can I just “let it go.” I know it would be better off for me in the long run. My anger only burns me. My pain is my burden alone to bear. She has shown that she gives 0 fucks about it.

Worry about things that I have no control over has placed me into this emotional/psychological/mental hell. And perhaps the only way out is to let it all go.

Perhaps Mike Tyson said it best….”men aren’t meant to be humble…..we are meant to be humbled.” If true, this is indeed a tough process. It hurts, but I can’t let it break me.

But How do I just let it go? Perhaps this stems from a fear of not being “good enough.” I never had to be perfect. Just “good enough.” And though she has shown that she wasn’t “good enough” for me. I have to somehow make that resonate with my spirit to say that a woman who was “good enough” couldn’t have done this to her family. At least not without trying to fix it first. She didn’t just leave me, she left our family and as far as I can see, has 0 remorse about it.

I fucked up and I gotta forgive myself. I truly acted out of ignorance. I tried to love, but got burned badly as a result. I guess it’s a risk that we all take when playing that game. I was humbled in my humiliation.

I survived!!! Though this isn’t over, I’ve faced the hottest part of this hell. I’ve weeped and gnashed my teeth. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve yelled. I lost the weight from being unable to eat. I no longer have the sleepless nights.

Now I just gotta keep it moving. Keep marching.

Underestimated How Terrible She Is

I’ve handled the end of this marriage pretty pathetically. She finally moved out….or at least went to New York for a while. I know that she went under the guise of seeing about a family member who passed, but in reality I know it wasn’t about that.

Given our history and things she’s done in the past, it’ really all on me at this point. I pretty much deserve everything she does to me now. I know that she’s a terrible wife. There is no doubt about it whatsoever. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it though and when I think that she can’t sink any lower, she does. No point in complaining though. Nothing should surprise me at this point. She really is a terrible person. Like one of those terrible wives you see in the movies or read about online. I don’t know why, despite everything she’s done, it still comes as some sort of shock or revelation. Perhaps it’s the way she seems to be oblivious to her own behavior. Perhaps I wanted too much in thinking that she’ll see the error of her ways and stop being terrible.

I am glad that she’s gone and hopefully she won’t come back any time soon. I’m hoping that this separation will help me finally recover and heal. I had insomnia last night. Not sure what was up with that. I don’t really feel mad or bad. Just not good either.

The last time she left, I really felt myself getting better and better as kiddo and I started getting a routine down. She came back and things got worse, for me anyway. I need to move on and out of this situation. It’s hard to do with her here, but she bought a 1 way flight there and hopefully she won’t be back for a while.

I should be happy. I’m not sure why I even need to heal or the reason why I’m feeling a bit down. I know it could never work out at this point. There is too much water under the bridge and she burned it down. I can never trust her again. I’ve given her way too many chances. I’m fighting to forgive her so that we can be amicable as to coparent successfully. I don’t want to win her back.

I’d be winning a cheater, betrayer, and if I’m honest, we’re just not good for each other. Not as husband and wife. I just need to be over it. I am over it. I’m not sure why this is still so hard because I don’t love her like that. She hasn’t been a real wife in the last 5 years or so. I need to take this time to continue to heal and focus on me, kiddo, and how imma pay all these damned bills. Yeah, it’s unfair to kiddo. But still, I cannot change her.

This has really made me rethink marriage. The literature and research suggests that marriage and relationships are dead in 2020. Hope and anecdotal evidence suggests that maybe things aren’t as bad as redpill and MGTOW communities suggest. But i don’t necessarily want to close myself off to the possibilities either. Are most women really that bad? Or am I just angry and bitter about what happened to me. Either way, I won’t close myself off to potential opportunites, but I’ll be hyper vigilant of red flags for sure.

Why men cannot forgive infidelity

Many times, husbands give their wives passes after infidelity. The reasons may be financial (it’s cheaper to keep her), the kids, or simply because he still loves her.

Despite that, perhaps a cheat on a drunken girls night might be fixable. An affair isn’t.

The ego of men makes this almost impossible to overcome. Especially if the other guy knows about you. It’s best upon the discovery of an affair to let it go. Things will never be the same. No matter how much you invested or love her at the time, it’s best to walk away with your dignity and let it go.

Here are the hard truths:

She doesn’t care about you anymore. Your history, vows, friendship, memories, even family means less to her than the dick she’s on her knees for worshipping now. His ego grows at the thought of your shame. He takes more pleasure from the sex than usual knowing that he cucked you.

That he did things to her that only you were supposed to do. His sexual pleasure comes at the expense of your dignity. And each time he fucks her or looks down and watches her lips on his dick, knowing she will come home and kiss you and your children pleases him. And she knows it. This is why she will do the most depraved things sexually for him. Things she never would do for you. It turns her on. And she loses more respect for you. This is why she starts to treat you with more and more contempt. Simultaneously gaining more admiration for him. It’s a sick sexual energy thing and you become the loser in her eyes. IT’s over. Let her go. She’ll never be the same and you’ll never see her the same again.

She will never tell you everything she did. How she let him fuck her in the ass in the church parking lot. How she told her to cum in her when she sneaked off to the hotel with him on that business trip. How she swallowed his jizz on your anniversary. How she sucked him off in the bathroom at the park. She won’t tell you all the nasty details and at best will trickle truth you or outright lie.

Because if you knew, she knows it would crush and destroy you. It would destroy any chance to get back with you as she’s using you and your “undying love” as a safety net. She was literally on her knees worshipping the cock of your enemy. They guy who was willing to destroy your family. The guy who broke man code of messing with someones family and didn’t give a shit about how your kids would feel about losing their family. The guy who may have shaken your hand and pretended to be your friend. They guy who got off even more by the fact he was able to dominate your wife.

Then think of all the intimate details, secrets, dates and adventures they went on. How it was them against you and the world. How she came so hard with him. How she was thinking of him whenever you made love to her.

She will never admit these things to you. How could she? In order to save face, she wouldn’t admit them to herself. Even though she knows that these did indeed make the sex feel even better with him. But deep down, she knows it. She didn’t make a mistake. She fucked up. She betrayed you on every level: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

She loved the fact that she was his slut while you loved her as your queen. She thought of you as pitiful. Your acts of love and trust were seen as simple and naive. Pathetic even. She was ashamed of you. You’re not the man she ‘thought you were’. How else could she do this do you. She reasons.

You’re no longer the hero of the family. Your children may love you, but she reasons that you’re a weak fool. She’s a “bad bitch” and deserves better. This guy gets her. He’s a winner in her eyes. Your value drops (unfairly for sure) but in her eyes you’re a fucking loser who’s wife just fucked and sucked a “stud”…. you stupid, weak fool.

Let it go man. Her mind is warped and twisted. Her thoughts and actions have led your relationship off a cliff. She was like a drunk driver out of her mind, but the consequences has led to the death of your dignity, further the death of your family. Maybe she’ll be sorry some day. But most likely never if you stay with her. Even then, chances are slim as these types of people rarely if ever own up to the full consequences of their actions. In other words, she’ll never own up to nor understand how emasculating it is as a man to have to deal with this.

They can never accept the idea or fact that once you cross certain lines, you will begin to devalue your spouse. She knew that every step of the way towards falling in love with him, that she was wrong for it. She knew that her lies and gaslighting were deal breakers. She knew that things would never be the same again. In order to justify her actions, she had to devalue you as a husband, man, and human being. Your family, your love, and everything you built helped contribute to the excitement and lust of the sex. And don’t get it twisted….affair sex is reported to be the THE BEST sex due to the wicked nature and secrecy of it. Do you think that sex could ever be as hot or lusty as sex with an affair partner. Even if you are more skilled, sex especially with women is psychological and the truth is that you could never take her on that type of high.

Also remember that if you discover it while in the middle of the affair, she is not your friend and she will lie, gaslight, manipulate, fake cry, blameshift…..everything to satisfy her desire for her new god. She is Judas Iscariot. Benedict Arnold. The embodiment of Lucifer, the fallen star. No amount of reasoning, logic, appeals to morality, reminder of her vows, appeal to family will convince her to turn around. YOUR WIFE is dead to you now. She is no longer the woman you married (or thought you married).

She doesn’t respect you anymore. How could she. Perhaps there is a certain level of love that she has for you for being there for the kids or something, but her level of romantic love and adoration cannot be the same. How can she respect you even if she says she does. Maybe she does in a round about way love you but….

Not enough to stop. They may lie and say it’s over. But 8 out of 10 times. They go underground and hide it. Trust when broken to this degree cannot be fixed. Just accept it. Research on false reconciliations. That shit happens most of the time in the case of affairs. I still maintain that you couldn’t cheat on someone that you love as:

1)you wouldn’t want to break the trust in your relationship.

2)you wouldn’t be able to stand to hurt them in that way.

Once the respect is gone, there is no coming back for it. She may bide her time until the next crush or loser she’s attracted to is willing to cheat with her comes along. She has more respect for him and you’ll once again be placed in the category of the man who allowed a woman to do that to him. She will desire that high that you cannot give her.

You can never take her back. Just cut your losses and move on.

Don’t take it personally though. If the shoe was on the other foot. Say you were the douchebag who fucked married women and he was her poor schmuck of a husband who adored her, you could take her there too. It says nothing about your prowess as a man or husband. It’s just the wicked nature of how that shit works. Unfortunately, most cannot recognize that it is what it is. An usually high dose of oxytocin and dopamine she got because of the illicit nature of the relationship. she’s a “love” junkie at that point. No more reliable than a heroin addict.

A woman follows her heart. She’s been trained to. The bible says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. What do you think happens when a person decides to follow it? Death and destruction. Betrayal and apathy. Lies and deception. And she has to justify it all in order to make herself look like the victim or the misunderstood heroine of the story. She is given over to a reprobate mind. It’s best to let her go because once she crosses that line…..she’s never the same.

How to get through Heartbreak Hell

Betrayal and broken heartedness is sure to place you in a psychological hell the likes of which Satan himself might take pause to enter. It seems that most cheaters and liars have no clue what they put us through. Their cowardice, disloyalty, and disregard for us in our most vulnerable space really shows their lack of character and proves that they are unworthy to occupy that space anymore. Perhaps they never belonged there in the first place. Embrace this fact. It is truth.

Bottom line is, you were not perfect, but neither were they. You did not deserve this PERIOD. They betrayed you. These people are worse than snitches, snakes, and rats. It is one of the worst things you can do to someone. Up there with molest, rape, or violate. Think of the psychological damage, degree of suffering, and damage it causes you and possibly your family/children. THIS IS NO TRIVIAL thing as society likes to paint it often times.

But it does happen and it tempers us. Often times, we must keep marching one foot in front of the other despite suffering this brutal injury. In a way, this pain makes us stronger. It’s like working out hard or running long distance. It’s a battle of emotional attrition. It’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced. But we keep fighting for our hearts, our souls, sanity….our lives.

Perhaps love or should I say broken hearts make us better. I mean all of that pain has to be useful. It almost breaks us. It destroys everything we thought we knew.

It’s a fight where the opponent attacks, intends to destroy, and takes no mercy on us. We were not prepared. They detonated a bomb in a safe zone. We had no defense. Many times, they were our defense. It’s like an autoimmunity response and we must fight for the life of our spirit. This is spiritual warfare.

We get our asses handed to us. And we are often powerless to do anything to stop it in the process. We can’t win this battle. At most, we can only hope to survive. As each blow absolutely devastates and rocks us to our core. It is an INTENSE emotional hell unlike anything many of us have experienced. But we must keep fighting through the pain. Which turns to anger or sadness then back into to pain. Sometimes self loathing. It can either make us bitter or better. Usually a bit of both. It is hell. Weeping and gnashing of teeth in tow.

And the road to recovery is steep and rocky at best.

So to anyone facing this, keep your head up. Just put one foot in front of the other and you keep marching forward. It hurts, it sucks. You may stumble, you may fall. But keep getting up.

You are fighting your way out of HELL.

Make no mistake about it. I won’t sugarcoat it. It’s not fair. The remainder of your fight won’t be fair. Your opponent does follow the rules that you’re bound to. They say that all is fair in love and war. This is war. They started a civil war between your mind and heart. Your brain and body. They aren’t even there anymore.

They are over powered using weapons of destruction while you have one hand bound and have been blindsided with a sucker punch with no time to recover.

Try to take a deep breath. This is going to hurt….bad. For a long time. But you can survive. Just keep breathing and getting back up. The pain and anger will be there once you get out of your self loathing. May as well make them your friends. Resistance is futile, let them become your friends. Feel it, observe the pain as it courses through your mind and body. Allow it to harden you into a colder version of yourself. You will be cooked from the inside out.

The secret:

Be mindful of it. That is it…. acknowledge it. Embrace it.

I’ve learned that the pain comes in waves. That’s to say that it’s always there, but there are times where it gets more intense. In those moments simply breathe and observe it.

Notice: How does it feel? Where do you feel it in your body? How strong is it on a 1 to 10 scale? Don’t run from it. Run towards it. Feel it. Intensify it mentally and consciously!!! Lean into it. Running away just makes it stronger. Facing it head on sucks too, but the waves seem to last for a shorter period if you simply acknowledge it and give it life.

Make this a meditation. Observe your pain, stop thinking about it/playing movies/mentally articulating it. JUST FEEL IT!!! Don’t think. Just Breathe and FEEL. Focus on breathing and feeling.

I’ve noticed that after particularly intense sessions, sometimes there are moments of a peculiar peace and clarity. It’s really hard to explain. Like the calm in the eye of a storm or something. Almost like a high or a moment of acceptance. It’s fleeting and hard to explain, but you’ll know it when you feel it. It’s like a moment of enlightenment.

The pain will return, and gradually intensify again. It always sucks, but remember to try and feel it. This pain will cause your thoughts to go off the rails and intensify the pain. Remember to occasionally shut down the thinking in your brain. Just feel don’t think. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to avoid the pain. Your goal is just to acknowledge, observe, and feel it.

Be mindful of the pain. Don’t think about it. Being mindful is acknowledging, accepting, and feeling once you consciously become aware that you’re feeling the intensity of the pain. Again, try to intensify it in these moments if you can. Imagine that it is getting worse. As if you’re purposely submitting to it.

While i wish i could tell you that this will keep it from sucking, it won’t. But it did help me take the edge off a bit. It also seemed to decrease the time it took for the intensity to drop from a 11 to a 6 (on a 1 to 10 scale). I also looked forward to those moments of transcendent peace and clarity. I shit you not. It goes from being a level 6 pain on a good day to a 0 for a few minutes. It’s so weird.

Finally, one more piece of advice. Hope to fix the relationship will hinder your progress. You must accept that It’s over. Even if you manage to repair the relationship. It is irretreivably broken. In MOST CASES….this most likely mean in your case as well. They don’t care for how much they hurt you. At best most simply feel guilt and not remorse. And as the adage goes, once a cheater….always a cheater. The have not internalized the pain and can have no true appreciation for what it cost you. Therefore they are subject to do it again.

Keep marching forward, despite the pain and never look back. Think of it as if you’d turn into a pillar of salt if you do. It’s stuck and cannot move forward. Remember, you are climbing out of hell. DO NOT LOOK DOWN. Forgiveness can come once you’ve escaped hell, traveled through purgatory, and make it back to earth.

Keep marching and if you stumble, no worries, there is rarely a straight forward path. KEEP MARCHING and DON’T LOOK BACK!!!

Eventually, time will see you through. The intensity, duration, and frequency of the attacks will lessen. You’ll begin to notice that you don’t think about it as much. Try not to stalk their social media at this point. It took me about 3 years to get to full acceptance. Every step of the way, I was thinking that this was going to be the last day. It wasn’t. Writing in the blog has been therapeutic for me. Talking to strangers and a few close friends also helped. Eventually though, your friends will have heard enough. Plus you get to a point where you don’t want to drag them down. I also spoke to a therapist.

Separation would have been great for me. I’ve been dragging my feet on divorce out of financial reasons and being unable to cope with the fact that I didn’t want to tell the kid. But that really held back my healing as I still have to see her almost every day. I still get triggered when I hear her phone notifications go off as I know that she’s still out there cheating. I can say that it has been without a doubt the hardest/darkest time in my life.

I look forward to the day when I can truly look back on this dark time and be glad that it’s over. I don’t think I’ll ever get married….or even into a real relationship again. If i do, best believe that she’s going to be worth the risk.

She’s Still Here

I understand that people cheat for all sorts of reasons. I dunno, maybe I’ve been going through this shit for too long. I’m starting to feel like this is a normal thing. Between all of the reddit posts, youtube videos, anectdotal stories, and websites dedicated towards people telling their stories of infidelity. It seems like everyone is doing it. Logically, I know that people who don’t worry about it don’t post about it, but i have no idea how many people are actually in committed relationships.

From a man’s perspective, I have no respect for men who sleep with other men’s wives. Especially when they know that there are kids involved. It seems like the height of selfishness to go in and break up a man’s home (family in tow) just for nsa sex. Of course the cheating spouse is to blame as well…..but the arguments I hear such “i didn’t commit to you” or “how is it my problem” or “someone else would have done it” or any other stupid thing just makes my blood boil. Being ‘unhappy’ is no excuse either because even if they are, relationships go through things and cheating definitely won’t help fix any anything.

These excuses discount the fact that the betrayed spouse is still a person or human being worthy of dignity or respect….even if you don’t know them like that. They may not be perfect, but who is? Are you going to be there to help the children get over their broken hearts? Can you really trust what that person is saying to you…. I mean he/she is a cheater after all. Would you want someone doing to you what you’re doing to someone else? Would you get mad if someone robbed your home or assualted a loved one? I mean, it probably wasn’t personal….but by engaging in damaging acts, you made it so.

People ain’t shit. I’m losing hoping in humanity as far as sex and relationships go. I don’t know why i still have this place in my heart for a faithful woman, despite knowing that overwhelming odds is that either she is cheating or will cheat in the future. It makes me just want to be like everyone else and “do me” before it gets done to me … again.

It would be just my luck that I find someone who isn’t on that kick and ruin that relationship. I fear love. I want it, but I know that it has the potential to kick the shit out of me….. There is no punishment for adultery these days. There is usually no karma (i hope I’m wrong about this). And people who do this shit seem to get away with it scott free.

I asked my wife what her family thought about all this. She says that they say that if she’s unhappy, then she should just divorce and not cheat. But they have her back either way. What in the family fuck is that. So what in the hell is the purpose of marriage again? Happiness?

So am I justified for leaving my family…..going back on my vows….leaving my responsibility simply because I’m unhappy. Abuse, repeated infidelity, or extreme circumstances aside. Unhappiness, in her case sounds like ‘boredom’. Would I be justified in cheating and breaking my home because I like being single….or simply because I want a new partner (simply because I got tired of the old one). What am I teaching our kids? It’s ok to simply quit something because you’re not happy about having to do it? That it’s ok to absolve your responsibilities because you feel entitled to more? That boredom is excuse enough to destroy your own family when you get older. WTF man?

Apparently, increasingly, A LOT of people feel this way and to me, that makes marriage a worthless endeavor. So, I can simply split over some general sense of unhappiness. I can have affairs, girlfriends, ladyfriends, and cheat at will and being unhappy is good enough an excuse. When one of these “friends” work out, then it’s ok for me simply break my family home and move on with them with no regard to our children or how it impacts their lives and homes.

No….at best we could have been babymama/baby daddy.

I really can’t believe that my stbxw believes that shit. I guess she does, I mean people can change, but that much? I mean how could I have missed all the red flags that had to have been there. How can she sleep at night, knowing that she’s so wrong for this….do nothing, except continue down the path of destruction….and just act like she’s done nothing wrong. How could she hurt someone so bad and not feel any bit of remorse? How does she really expect forgiveness, friendship, or anything less that contempt after completely burning this bridge.

How can she be OK with willfully destroying our family. How can it mean less than nothing to her? It’s insulting to think that I have to live with someone who’s lack of care for something so important to me and our son gets to do whatever she wants, get a free pass, and not even acknowledge how fucked up it all is. I can’t stand her or people like her. How could her family or friends even trust her around their men. If she’d do it her own husband and family (with no regrets), who’s to say she wouldn’t hesitate to hook up with their men if the opportunity presented itself.

Perhaps they are all hoes too? Perhaps none of those hoes are loyal. I know that I need out. She keeps promising that she’ll leave as soon as she gets the travel position. I can’t wait.

Walkaway Wife Regrets?

       Of the many things that really bother me about my wife’s change in behavior is her lack of compassion in this entire ordeal.   I’ve never had to deal with someone who showed me so much blatant and unjustified disrespect.   On the outside, she seems pretty normal.   Almost na├»ve in certain ways.   I do feel that I’m the more intellectual and empathetic of the two of us.   But those superficial differences still don’t account for a total lack of empathy.

It seems that she really just doesn’t get me in a fundamental way. And that lack seems to be contradictory to her response to the ‘wrongs’ that others do. Like how could she be so offended with the b.s. of the current president, agree with her friends on how badly their s/o’s treat them, watch movies where the antagonist antagonize the protagonist and “hate the bad guy”, and generally seem to be normal as far as knowing “right” from wrong”….

And yet feel that it’s ok to offend, hurt, and disrespect me. How can she sleep so well at night knowing that her behavior is the driving force behind the destruction of our home…..knowing full well she hasn’t done anything to fix it, but on the contrary, did everything to break it. How could she simply be ok with being “that” person.

When confronted with such questions, she simply stands there and if she tries to justify her herself, she simply says she’s “unhappy”. She still has no problem with lying to my face and playing like she’s innocent. As in when i confronted her by telling her knew she spent part of last trip in NY with another guy.

The internal inconsistency bothers me. I know I’m wasting my time by explaining these things to her over and over again. The bible verses I give her to back up what I’m saying seem to fall upon deaf ears….yet she claims to be a christian. The videos and articles I send her are unwatched and unread by her. She’ll nod in agreement with my assesments, won’t defend herself….and yet she continues down the same path.

Like what is wrong with her? Am I giving her too much credit.

As I’ve told her over and over again, it’s not about me winning or making the most compelling argument. It’s like when you care about someone, you try to convince them that they are fucking up. We’re all subject to fucking up, so if I ask for examples of why you think I’m wrong then tell me. It’s why I give her examples. This isn’t just me just pulling emotions out of my ass and passing them off as facts. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I show you your internal inconsistencies, it’s not about me saying “ha ha gotcha bitch”. It’s for you to self reflect and either justify/defend your behavior. I might actually be wrong. Or maybe you could be wrong. If you can’t justify it, then there is a high likelyhood that you’re either wrong or haven’t thought your position out fully.

Noone is perfect, but knowing that you’re doing terrible things, and staying the course with no justification or remorse makes you a terrible person. I mean how could we ever grow together if we are unable to learn from each other. If you cannot / refuse to tell me where I’m blind at, then how can we make each other better. If you refuse to acknowledge your mistakes, then how can you get better. If there is no trust, no communication, and no attempts to do better, then this relationship is a huge waste of time. Perhaps we have “outgrown” each other. Maybe we are on “different pages.” Maybe we want different things out of life and she simply doesn’t want to attempt to reconcile our differences.

Though I believe that marriage and family does deserve some effort to try to fix it before breaking it, she obviously (another inconsistency in what she says over what she does) feels otherwise.

I can accept it. But what I cannot accept is her disrespecting me as a man and still living with me. I need time away from her to fully get over it. I don’t want to be friends with her. She says she wants us to amicable, yet she feels it’s ok to continue with her relationships with these other men. All the while knowing that men feel superior and uplifted knowing that they have “stolen” a married woman. While the man who lives there, puts up with her ish….paying all the bills, etc….feels emasculated.

I just feel that I deserve more respect and if she cannot provide it, I would rather she leave. She knows this and she also knows that being married, she doesn’t have to leave. She has me by the balls. She’s playing dirty and unfairly, simply because she’s unhappy. She doesn’t care about how it makes me look or feel. And yet she wants to remain friends and amicable?

WTF man!!!