It’s been about a week since I last heard from my lover and i’m not gonna lie, it’s been hard to keep from reaching out to her just to say hi. Even though in certain ways I feel relief from the pressure of having to deal with figuring out what to do with her ‘relationship’ wise, i do find myself missing her.

You don’t talk to a person almost every day for over 6 years and suddenly get over it. I probably talked to her more than anyone else consistently over that time. But as I like to say, ‘love’ is a bit of an addiction. I’m going cold turkey and it seems that I’m going through withdrawals. Even though tame compared to the shock my body received upon the news of the “wife” affair, it’s still quite an unpleasant experience…. for me anyway.

Though I know this is for the best, I sometimes find myself wondering if she actually misses me. I do know that women tend to check out months if not years before actually pulling the plug on a ‘relationship’…..and i think that I was starting to feel the distance in the past few months. I saw the writing on the wall a while ago and so I knew it was coming sooner or later. This sucks about as bad as I thought it would. But it still sucks. The punches that you don’t see coming hurt the most, but it’s still an unpleasant experience even when you do see them coming. At least I was able to somewhat brace for the impact. Still though, it sucks.

I do love her in a real way and I hope that she knows that I mean it beyond words. I want the best for her, but not gonna lie, at times, my ego sort of hopes that my replacement won’t be as good as me. At least not initially. So here I am, basically, alone. It doesn’t have to be that way and probably wouldn’t be if I wasn’t acting as a single father. I can’t bring a woman around my kid right now … at least until the wife signs her end of the divorce papers. Maybe i should be alone right now for now anyway just so that I can heal. This proving to be a bit hard bcuz STBXW is more involved in my life (for kiddo’s sake) than I’d like for her to be. I’ve been trying to talk her into finally signing the papers….asking that she sign them so we can begin the real process of distentaglement….while also explaining how bad it makes both of us look that she’s out here doing what she’s doing despite being married….and though she doesn’t disagree, it seems that she either doesn’t believe me or really doesn’t care.

I have to take accountability for marrying her. I really can’t say what I saw in her that would me think that she’d be a good wife for me. Perhaps I was fooled by her looks. There are women out here who I think could be a good wife, who are loyal, who are understanding, who understand integrity, and who are actually intelligent. Unfortunately, I married what would be best be described as a side chick. I think there truly is a difference. I do believe that a good woman can make a good man better, but unfortunately, some can actually make him worse. Some can push their men to do / be greater, but others, drive him to bitterness.

She has turned out to be much more of a liability and unfortunately, she cannot see how much I still sacrifice (though it’s mostly for our son). I don’t think she ever will. The person who you marry can definitely impact your life in unimaginable ways. Yet I have to take responsibility for this as me choosing her was a reflection of me and my decision making process at the time.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and hire an attorney as she is probably incapable of ‘doing the right thing’ and getting a nonconetested divorce unless she finds a man who requires it as a necessity to be with him. I personally believe that her ‘lovers’ see who for what she truly is…. a side chick which is why they don’t require that she gets a divorce and marry him. It could really all be so simple….if she were to play ball, but for now, she seems content with being ‘that type of woman.’ And making matters worse, she seems to see nothing wrong with it. While on one hand it certainly is humiliating to know that she’d rather play side chick to these guys than to take accountability, admit she was wrong, and a least try to work on her marriage and family, …. or at the very least not go out like a Jada Pinkett and get a divorce…. (especially since I’ve been adamant about trying to resolve this as peacefully as possible)…..it is proof positive that she isn’t worth trying to reconcile with (even if she suddenly had a “come to Jesus” moment). This shouldn’t have happened.

A good woman/wife would have never let things get this far. A woman with self respect would respect herself enough to not knowingly play side chick to a guy. The fact that she is actively participating with helping deceive another woman by helping him cheat is just something I find reprehensible. How much more based on the fact that she is also ‘married’. Unfortunately, her mentality does not allow her to see that. She actually believes that she is a ‘good’ woman despite that. It truly is sad and pathetic, but unfortunately, the more I become aware of (many) women’s nature thru the redpill, i realize that her mentality really isn’t uncommon. But then again, so are the number of women who are ‘not’ marriage material. I fucked up with her. It’s my fault, my inaction to do anything is a reflection of me at this point. We’re both losers. I reality is that I deserve all of this until I get off my ass and do something. I know what I’m dealing with (I’ve been known)….and have done nothing about it.