A Thorn in My Side

It is so strange that for some reason, I sometimes have a desire to reach out to and talk to STBXW. I really have nothing to say to her. I don’t expect her to ‘change’ her mind and even if she did, I still would be 99% skeptical about her intentions. I don’t think she’ll ever be sorry nor understand the implications behind her actions. I know that she doesn’t truly love me and probably never really did outside of the ‘superficial’ feelings she experienced at the time.

I don’t expect that I’ll say something to her and she’ll suddenly be like “aahhhh, I see it now….I get it….you were right.” The things she’s done, the lies, the betrayal, is just a part of who she is. It’s a part of her character (or lack thereof). A ‘happily ever after’ marriage wasn’t in the cards for us. But her betrayal shows that it never could have been. I truly believe that it’s just not in certain people to do certain things to others under normal circumstances.

I mean even IF she somehow does manage to start seeing things my way, it’s like, there are so many things that make her less than an ideal wife for me. There is no turning back. I’ve never been the type of person to chase after a woman who doesn’t desire me. I have way too much self respect or ‘pride’ for that. Plus, a woman’s beauty doesn’t have the same effect on me as it once did. On top of that, STBW isn’t exactly 10. She was MY 10, but objectively, though she is decent looking. Looks aren’t such a priority for me that I’d be willing to subject myself to this level of disrespect from anyone. IDC if she looked like Joy Bryant or Zoe Saldana (two of the most beautiful women in the world to me), I just couldn’t see myself taking the bullshit.

So, if looks isn’t a factor, personality isn’t a factor, character definitely isn’t a factor…..I don’t know where this annoying desire to wonder what’s up with her comes from. Things really should be about ‘business’ only at this point. I should truly see her as a necessary ‘evil’ in my life. I should be as unengaged as I am about the political climate in this country. I should have reached complete apathy by this point.

I have painfully gone though one of biggest fears that almost any normal healthy man would face when it comes to his wife….infidelity and betrayal to another man. Obviously, there would be a lot of pain and adjusting to do. Yet, I haven’t fully disengaged to the point where I’d like to be. Complete apathy if not aversion. What is wrong with me?

Where is the disconnect? Not to boast, but I have two lovely women very interested in me right now. Yet, I am worried about someone who betrayed me so thoroughly. A person who betrayed my heart and my son. This person who cannot and has not reasonably justify her actions and yet feels no remorse. A person who had to know the damage they were doing to me while she was doing it.

Is this some sort of Stockholm Sydrome type of thing. A trauma bond that I haven’t been able to fully disentangle myself from? Surely I can’t be this pathetic? I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it. Being married to that woman feels like some sort of curse or something. Perhaps I just have to face the karma/consequences of my actions.

Looking back on some old emails we exchanged back in the beginning of our relationship; I think that she was actually with her ex boyfriend. Though I didn’t know the nature of the relationship….either I was led to believe it was effectively over or maybe I simply ignored it….perhaps this is my sentence for dealing with another man’s woman. Maybe there is a spiritual component to this. Maybe it explains why the king in the story of Abraham and Sarah got shook when he discovered that she was his actually his wife and not his sister. Maybe I am cursed and am in violation of “God’s law” (a spiritual rule). In a similar way as to how ‘ignorance’ of the law (of say something like electricity) does not absolve you from facing the consequences of being electrocuted if you do something wrong.

I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can finally move on.


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