He don’t want you sis?

My friend and I do not see eye to eye on a topic that I rarely hear discussed. It seems that the perception that a lot of women have is that if a man doesn’t want to get into a relationship or “wife” her, then he either doesn’t value her OR he is just using her for sex. In other words, he doesn’t “want” her.

This idea has me thoroughly perplexed as I don’t think I get the meaning of “want”.

What does she even mean by “want” her. To want something implies that you can “have” or “possess” something. I want a Dodge Ram pickup truck, but that implies that I own it. I am free to do whatever I please with it. It does what I want it to and doesn’t have a choice but to obey my wishes.

How can you “possess” a person? I mean, what specifically would I “want” with a woman besides a good time, intimacy, sex, and companionship. However, it seems that in order to keep that going, there is a LOT of maintenace and expectations required. Plus, she is under no obligation to always say yes.

Perhaps more context is needed. I mean take a friends with benefits situation. I do want her in the sense that I like the things she provides in my life. I do like her as a person. But not in the sense of feeling like I own her. I do desire certain things from her, but not enough to commit.

Maybe she means that I don’t want to commit. Instead of leaving it open like “he doesn’t want you”…..perhaps she should be more specific and say that he doesn’t want a committed relationship with her.

I like it better stated that way because if I didn’t want her in any capacity, I just wouldn’t deal with her. Leaving it at he doesn’t “want” her implies that he doesn’t value her at all and if that is the case then why would I be dealing with her in the first place?

However, it does imply that if she takes that “value” away, then I probably wouldn’t deal with her. That’s fair, however, I find hypocritical for the to say I’m wrong for that if she’d do the same thing to me if I stopped providing whatever value she thinks that I provide for her.

It really just goes back to the idea that you cannot own or possess people. If I decided to bite the bullet and take her on in a committed relationship….and she decided that either the “grass is greener on the other side” or she no longer valued whatever it is that she values now, would she be obligated to stick with me out of some principle? I wouldn’t even want someone to be there who doesn’t want to be there. They would be free to leave.

In addition, if I were not providing some value to her life, then why would she even deal with me in the first place?

I don’t get it. My friend thinks that a man who doesn’t commit to a woman doesn’t value her and is wasting her time. My reply is that if she is always free to leave him alone if she feels that way then why won’t she just do it. For example, if we were in a committed relationship and I was an ungrateful and lazy asshole who verbally abused her…..obviously that situation wasn’t working for her, then she should just leave it. In the same vein, then if she wants the ‘title’ and not having it isn’t working, then she could just as easily leave out of the situation.

Titles or “commitment” don’t stop anyone from leaving where they don’t want to be these days. Neither do they stop a person who wants to sleep around from sleeping around….or lying…. or doing anything they feel inclined to do. What difference does it make?

Ok, say we get into a “relationship” and things just don’t work out. Wasn’t it just a big of a waste of time as never being in one in the first place?

An analogy I like to use is that when you go on vacation, you go for a good time. You’re not trying to move there. So just because I don’t plan on moving there, does that mean that the trip was a waste of time. I mean you build memories and get to experience something pleasurable. So even when it’s time to “go home”, it wasn’t a waste of time. She won’t admit that my marriage was a waste of time. But either way, the outcome was still the same. Except now, we have to go through the arduous process of disentangling ourselves from each other as opposed to been able to have clean break.

Women and men leave marriages and relationships all the damned time for various reasons….some good and some bad. But was the marriage a waste of time? By her logic, pretty much all failed relationships were a waste of time. Idk, i just say enjoy the moment, but don’t expect for them to last forever.

I really think that all of this boils down to her wanting a “man” to deal with her bullshit. Just speaking to her, I couldn’t be her man. She’s cool. But she’s too damned needy and demanding. Like most women, they feel entitled for a man to give her the world. Keep her happy. Deal with her emotional bullshit. Mood swings. Wine her. Dine her. Take her on vacations. Ultimately many want for him pay her bills. And what do we get out of it. To say that we do all of that shit for her? And even if we manage to do all that, if she gets bored or tired or finds someone else she likes, she’s leaving anyway. If I lose my job or go through depression, will be feel obligated to faithfully stay by my side. Hell nall.

I don’t see how commitment benefits me in the slightest. And it’s not all about just me being selfish. It’s about being a realist and understanding that while I could decide to jump on that hamster wheel of trying to keep a woman happy in hopes that she won’t leave or cheat…..ultimately, she is under no obligation not to do so. Given that most put “their personal happiness” above all things, then I would be on the hook for making sure she is either reaching those goals or on the path towards it. Otherwise, I’d risk her leaving me anyway.

So why sign up for the job in the fist place. So yeah, I do want her for certain things. And yeah I don’t mind doing things that make her happy. Yes, I also want her to be happy. But I don’t want to be responsible for it. I don’t require it from her and I think it’s unfair for her to require it from me.

In that sense i can say that no I guess I don’t want her. I don’t want all the bullshit that comes along with trying to keep another MF happy. I don’t want the pressure of having to prove myself to her over and over again and should I fail once or twice, then she’s looking at me like I’m the asshole.

The reality is that I don’t want her because I understand that she is never mine, it’s just my turn. It’s stupid to desire something that requires so much effort and maintenance to maintain, that will leave you if you don’t. Fuck that, I see commitment as something completely different. Commitment to me means that you stick together through thick and thin. Good and bad times. When you feel like it and when you don’t. Whether you’re happy about it or not. I really don’t think that most women understand this. My friend even told me that she’d leave a relationship that she wasn’t “happy” in.

To me commitment means that you don’t to the gym or train only when you “feel” like it.

They want the benefits of a commitment, but not what comes along with it. Well the same applies to me with her. The only difference is that I don’t require commitment because I know that they mean something different than what I mean. I’m not signing up to be her personal genie in a got damned bottle. Of course it’s much easier for her to want a relationship where the other person is required to do much more than you. I am always required to bring something to the table and for her, most of the time, what she brings is optional.

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