I don’t know why I’m so pressed about STBXW and her shenanigans. I really have 0 reason to respect her. From my POV, she not only abandoned our marriage, which proves disloyalty. She obviously doesn’t want me, which is normally a prerequisite for me being interested in a serious relationship with someone. She lies about her intentions of wanting to live in NY. Though she claims it’s because she makes “more money”; the reality is that she spends more than she would have if she lived here due to having to help split our regular bills AND pay for and apartment up there and having to pay for back and forth flights. Thus it evens out, probably to the point where she is keeping less.

This is her 3rd or fourth affair where she’s playing side chick to a dude who really doesn’t feel her like that. So many levels of the lack of self respect to that. So between actually losing money and chasing a loser guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with her…..and not being present for our son….and buying this guy gifts for fathers day, while neglecting her child’s actual father who actually takes care of him day in and day out on that day. (it’s not about the gift to me, it’s the principle).

In addition to the fact that she is married. She’s the one who decided to leave, but she is the one who too gotdamned lazy to sign her part of the divorce papers despite paying for legal assistance already. Not to mention that she’s stupid enough to actually believe the lies she tells herself about her motives for actually being there.

I’ve already accepted the fact that I picked bad. Her external appearance (of now) doesn’t reflect the poor character that she has shown to me. She actually said out of her mouth that she doesn’t think she’s a bad person because she doesn’t treat anyone else the way she treats me. Like ma’am, so you think it’s ok to treat your own husband and father of your child (who actually raises him) and also does way more for you like shit. Does she actually believe that just because she is treating some dude who is cheating on his girl with her like a king (actually begging him to come by and she’ll provide the liqour and food, just for the chance to suck him off)….as he treats her like a whore of convenience…. makes her a good woman?

You see this is the shit that burns me up on the inside. Picture a 40 something year old woman with this mentality. She’s pathetic. Actually willing to take a father out of his children’s lives. Trying to put love spells on him “to break the spell” that she thinks that his child’s mother / girlfriend put on to him. Spending money on dollar tree candles and fake psychics and burning them in my apartment on her visits pretending that they are to clear her chakras or some stupid shit.

This chick is nuts. I know all this because, yeah, I snoop thru her phone during her visits. She doens’t know I have the passcode. Yes it’s wrong, but I am unapologetic about it because otherwise, I wouldn’t know how far she’s fallen. I wouldn’t realize how unsalvageable this situation is and probably be trying to figure out how to “fix” things in an attempt to save our marriage and family.

Just saying, you gotta be down pretty bad by literally begging a dude (with a girlfriend) to come by just for a few minutes. She’s texting this dude paragraphs while he responds with one liners. Even going so far as to tell her to stop texting him so much. Yet when I used to text or send her videos pertaining to healthy communication or what not, she barely (if even) watches them.

So having self respect…..at least to the degree of not pursuing something so not worth it…..my motives in the beginning was to save our family….but now that I know, I realize this isn’t something that I could ever forget…..let alone forgive. Now, my motives are to somehow preserve a semblance getting along in an attempt to shield our son from the toxic nature of her chicken head mentality. If i responded in kind or with force to the disrespect I’m getting from HER of all people, then i could imagine the psychological toll it would take on her.

In certain ways, it feels as if I’m a human shield protecting him from flaming arrows being shot by her. I titled this post, squatter’s rights because I wanted to write about how it feels that she is taking up too much real estate in my mind without paying any rent. She is so not worth it.

Even though someday I hope that she wakes up and really understands what the fuck she’s doing. The reality is that she probably won’t. She’ll still walk around thinking she’s a ‘good’ / ‘decent’ person. She thinks that she deserves “love” from this guy. Or any guy for that matter. My question is how in the fuck does she think she deserves any kind of happy ending despite the selfish, wicked, and evil she has done to her own husband and family.

Shit….and this is who I picked to “risk it all” for? I seriously gotta question at this point, what the fuck was wrong with me back then. Surely there had to have been some red flags that I missed.

And looking back, perhaps it is my karma. When I met her, I think I do recall my cousin telling me that she had a boyfriend. Despite that I told her to give her my number. She ended up calling and for some reason, I started thinking that the situation with her ‘boyfriend’ was either ending or had recently ended. Or maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. Either way, it was too recent at the time. She did mention something about trying to recoup a down payment for a wedding venue.