Getting Unstuck

I think that I gave my power away to STBXW because I never felt that she was truly sorry for how she treated me. I was expecting an apology. I was expecting more respect. When not given that respect that I feel that I deserved….and at the same time, to see her continuously purposely offend me, but yet seemingly get away with it… I think that I wanted to feel some sense of justice.

I was stuck waiting for an apology. Or just wanting to hear her say ” you were right.”

Words like karma or “she’ll be sorry someday” comes to mind. This need for a sincere apology or desire for her to somehow “make it right” or just acknowledgement from her that she was wrong in how she behaved is keeping me stuck in place.

I was wondering how it was that I am still so hung up over her. It’s not that I want her back. I know that I could never trust her. She the type of women that I should have placed myself in such a vulnerable position with. And for that I have to take accountability for getting myself unstuck.

I don’t blame myself for her actions. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good to her. And I feel that I deserved better treatment and more respect. Despite not receiving that, this overwhelming sense of requiring or needing some form of remorse from her is keeping me stuck in this position of extreme vexation with her.

Perhaps this is the final key of completely being “over it”. It’s not really a matter of ‘forgiving’ as I once thought. It’s just a matter of accepting that sometimes, some people can get over on you and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it except keep it pushing. Sometimes, people can disrespect you, and you’re powerless to do anything about it. I mean you can, but in some instances, it’s better to just let it go….as retaliation isn’t worth the consequences that comes along with it.

Perhaps ‘turning’ the other cheek sometimes means a series of events as opposed to just one incident. As my dad used to say “Pick your Battles.” Sometimes, winning a battle isn’t worth it if you risk losing the entire war. In this case, retaliation (in a self satisfactory way) would promote a toxic environment for kiddo. The question is though; How do I simply accept this without losing self dignity or self respect.

This further begs the question of what is the difference between pride and self respect? In this case, I’d say they my ego definitely gets the better of me at times. In many ways, I get so angry when I catch her in lies and deception because it feels that she thinks that she is “smarter” or “better” than me. Perhaps this is me projecting insecurities in thinking that I am just not “good” enough for her.

How could she truly be smarter or better if I know that she’s lying? How could she be smarter or better is she is willing to compromise her integrity (sell her soul) for superficial things in life. Even if not for me….how could she justify being an adulteress, splitting her home, and leaving her own son for weeks on end for dick and money? She is missing out on him growing up. And again, a woman who I’d consider “good” or “worthy” to carry the title of “wife” could not conceive of doing such a thing.

I can’t respect a person who does not see the value of putting their child’s needs before their selfish wants. How can I respect a person who does not see the difference between their wants and needs? In short, I do think that she is a selfish moron who lacks self reflection. She’s arrogant, has a busted moral compass, and overestimates her own ambition.

Her judgment of me should not have as much weight as it should as I do not see her opinions as worthy of consideration insofar as how I should judge myself. Again, it might be different if I deemed her worthy as a good (hell, even decent) woman. This judgment of her isn’t based on the fact she doesn’t want to be with me. It’s based on her actions. The lies, the affairs, and deceit. This woman is a snake, untrustworthy, and about as deep as a Saharan puddle.

So her “lack of respect” for me shouldn’t hold any weight because based off the way she moves (at least by conventional standards), she doesn’t respect herself. Ironically, I don’t think that she considers what she does as showing a lack of self respect. However, it’s becoming apparent that INTEGRITY isn’t a part of her ethos.

I don’t even respect men who play side dude to a ‘taken’ woman. Let alone one who begs and pleads for the woman to leave her family to come be with him. How much less can I respect a woman who doesn’t mind being a side chick and playing a role in destroying….not only her own household, but that of another woman. People like that disgust me.

I must be careful however to disregard the lessons I’ve learned from this experience insofar as what I could have done better in our marriage. Despite the fact that I don’t think that I brought any ‘deal-breakers’ to the table for a decent woman. I do think that there are things that I would do better next time. I just have to make sure that I do not blame myself for her actions in light of my own short comings.

I think that her power over me is that I am somehow feeling that it’s my fault because of my imperfections. Maybe deep down, I think that she may be justified in her actions. This can’t be the case though. Even if she had left me, she would have moved a LOT differently if she was truly a woman worth feeling bad about losing.

I can only take solace in knowing that if any man does truly “take” her on….then either he knows the truth about what she did and is a damn fool to take chance with her. He is a man of low morals and it’s just a matter of time before it goes down hill. Or based on her past tendencies to be deceptive, she is lying about the true nature of what she did. If that is the case, then it shows that she has learned “nothing” and that relationship is bound to fail based on being founded on lies and deception. The question turns into….who is gonna hurt who the most.

What man would “wife” a woman who had multiple affairs on her ex. Who would willingly leave her own child for so long just to be with another man…under the (self delusion) that she’s doing it for the extra money. And if if the latter was truly the case, what mother would actually be ok with doing that if she could make a decent living without going through such extreme measures.

She missed out on a lot of his childhood due to her greed and selfishness. He missed out on a lot due to her absence and willingness to put her own desires before his needs. She does not understand this because of the type of woman that she is. Selfish and shortsighted. And again, due to this, I think I am justified in thinking that she is NOT a woman worthy of the title of wife.

As much as women these days like to complain about the lack of good/decent men out there, she had one (though not perfect), she had the opportunity to break generational curses, but was too selfish to enjoy or appreciate the opportunity. She also seems to have no problem in preserving a decent friendship despite things not working out. It would take a complete and utter fool to believe that one could treat someone like shit, be unapologetic about it….and expect them to just be hunky dory with the situation. All in all, I think that I didn’t deserve this. Kiddo didn’t deserve it. And she didn’t deserve the opportunity to be with me in that capacity.

Despite all of this, I have to get over the notion that someday, she’ll see it when karma kicks her in the ass. Even if it does, I wonder if he she has the intellectual capacity to see that her misfortune (if it does) was of her own doing. Somehow, I doubt it. And for that, it would seem that waiting on karma would just be me being “a hater”. If she had the capacity for ‘understanding’, she never would have done this in the first place.

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