For the long haul

I’ve realized that this intense dislike of stbxw may be a life long thing. I think the thing that really disturbs me about her is the fact that I truly believe her ‘lack of respect’ comes from the fact that she mistakes my kindness for weakness.

Amongst men, there is a certain level of respect that we expect and if not given, then there are ways we can retaliate in order to gain it. This typically involves direct confrontation and if no resolution is available, then there is the threat of violence. Or a physical conflict.

I think that because STBXW doesn’t understand this about men. She feels a certain sense of ‘power’ over me as she has put me in positions of disrespect where I couldn’t accurately respond in order to demand respect. On a deeper level, she knows that I should have responded in a way more harsher way. Or “put her in her place”. If not, someone should have taught her a lesson by now. More specifically, if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Or a hard head makes a soft behind.

She doesn’t respect me because I have been unable / unwilling to respond to it in an effective way. Some people may see retaliation as wrong. But where I’m from, you don’t allow people to get away with disrespect or they will keep disrespecting you. They will see you as weak. And once drunk off of the power, they will get worse and worse with their bad behavior.

White folks be like, just walk away from your bullies or tell on them. In real life, this rarely, if ever works. What works is if you stand up for yourself. You fight back. Whether you get your ass kicked or not. You don’t ever allow people to get away with disrespecting you. I understand turning the other cheek…..once. Or even forgiving ignorance should they accidentally offend you. But once you’ve let them know your boundaries…..OR if they are clearly in violation of them, then you have no choice but to gain your respect by any means possible.

Otherwise you end up in situations like I have with STBXW. Essentially, a bully who does not respect me. You cannot ‘nice’ your way into their respect.

It seems that now, I am subject to have to take the disrespect and lack of accountability. I can’t hit a woman who hasn’t physically attacked me. I don’t have much leverage against her to effectively ‘punish’ her for her behavior. Plus any retaliation only adds to the toxicity of our already fragile co-parenting relationship. It seems that….for now, and for the foreseeable future, that I’m going to have to take the injuries and disrespect in order to go along to get along for the sake of our son.

Her ignorance, lack of self awareness, selfishness, and power tripping pretty much guarantees that she’s going to be thorn in my side for a while. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any effective way to RIGHT this WRONG and the best possible solution is to somehow find a way to find minimalize the way her behavior affects my psychology.

Perhaps a good way to look at it is to view it as losing a championship game due to the other team blatantly and obviously cheating. Yeah, it sucks to lose….especially when you know that you played a good game…..and despite the other team bragging and rubbing it in your face…..you have to find a way to move on from that loss. I gotta persevere and keep it moving. I have to stop focusing on her.

This would be easier said than done, but it seems that the game is still going on. It’s like I’m in a boxing match where she keeps hitting me with ‘low blows’. And any attempt to retaliate will get me banned from the sport forever. She is playing the game foul and dirty.

I have to endure this though. Hopefully this divorce will be the final step in getting get back. At this point, I really don’t care for her AT ALL. Her lack of character in the way she handled all of this is enough to make me realize that I’m NOT losing anything worth keeping. I never thought that I was perfect and I never expected perfection out of her….. but there are certain levels of integrity that are necessary in order for me to value her as a wife.

She single handedly destroyed our family due to her own selfishness, won’t take accountability, and this is mostly due to the fact that we don’t have the same values. Shared values, good faith in one another, accountability, along with good communication, transparency, and honesty are all necessary factors needed in a partner for a successful marriage. She possesses, nor has any interest in possessing any of those.

Though I do wish that someday, she’d look back and see the gravity of what she has done, I’d probably die from holding my breath. I don’t see how a person at her age with that mentality could ever really change. While ultimately, her mentality doesn’t reflect upon me as much it does her….I have to take accountability and get myself out of feeling like a victim. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck still writing these redundant blog posts as a form of therapy for another 10 years.

I am ultimately accountable for getting myself out of this.

For the longest, I had no idea what I was dealing with….and to this day, I’m still unsure. However to do know what I’m not dealing with. I am not dealing with a WIFE or partner. I’m dealing with an emotionally immature, selfish, and shallow individual who lacks self reflection and overestimates herself.

I know fucked up shit happens to people all the time. It’s just not fun when it happens to you.

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