Making Progress

I finally got around to filling out the divorce paperwork. I had a revelation that STBXW just didn’t “love” me. Ironically, female dating coaches like Ace Metaphor and Derrick Jackson made me realize this. But it’s not in a way of them saying “if your man does…. x,y,z, leave him.”

It’s because of the fact that it seems that he has to tell these women that if the men in their lives aren’t treating them right…..then they should leave. I didn’t treat STBXW bad, not nearly as a bad as how these men treat/treated their women…..yet they had to be told to leave.

This lets me know that she couldn’t have loved me. IF a woman is willing to stick it out with a man who treats her like dirt….but yet this one was willing to leave me while I treated her fairly well…..then I can either conclude that the problem was….I didn’t treat her bad enough….OR she just did not love me.

In reality, the accusations of me not being ‘ambitous enough’ or ‘ not telling her that I appreciated her’ (untrue ftr), or ‘ not supporting her’ (another rewriting of history) through Nurse Practitioner school were all unfounded. The fact that she’s inconsistent in “the reasons” she was “unhappy” lets me know that she’s just looking for ways to justify leaving. We had a pretty good life and even those weak excuses (though untrue) were not justification in breaking up our home.

I am still angry and bitter about the position she put me and kiddo in. She created a scenario where I cannot be satisfied with the outcome. The unilaterally broke our home without even attempting to fix it. She unceremoniously cheated, then left me without ever first discussing her grievances. And in the process, destroyed our home. Yet it seems that she doesn’t feel an ounce of remorse over doing it.

I think my biggest problem is that despite doing this, she thinks she is still a good woman who ‘deserves’ to be “happy”. Despite willfully doing something so wicked, it’s like she doesn’t even grasp the gravity of matter. It’s as if she accidentally dropped and broke a glass off the table or something. Her thing is that as long as noone really knows what happened. It’s as if it didn’t.

It’s the lack of self accountability and lack of remorse that really gets to me. Perhaps it really doesn’t mean much to her since her conscious mind isn’t kicking in and saying that YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG….you should feel bad about it. It instead uses lies and half truths in order to justify her bad behavior. Her righteous ‘indignation’ against others who have either slighted her or who’s misdeeds have become exposed makes her the ultimate hypocrite imo. It’s like she doesn’t smell her own shit.

Her wickedness and selfishness has affected me to where it’s hard to see satisfaction without losing out in some way or another. Her betrayals and ability to do what she did guarantee that the trust is completely off the table. Therefore there is NO POSSIBLE way of working things out. She lost my respect through her actions. Yet this also means that my nuclear family has no chance of ever being. Which I think is unfair to our son. I’m put in a no win situation and only left with cope.

It’s sad and pathetic that she put herself first like that. Not caring AT ALL about the effects and ramifications of her actions onto her own FAMILY. Again, dishonorable and worthy of losing respect. Sometimes I really hate her for what she did to me and to our family.

I chose her, but I regret ever marrying her and bringing a family into existence with her. I wonder if the guys she meets can see her selfishness and stupidity. I really hope that someday something clicks her mind that causes her to truly understand how wicked she was in this marriage. Yet it seems that people like that NEVER get it and to believe that she ever would is giving her too much credit. If she had enough sense to “get it” she would have never done it. Its so hard to deal with people like that. They’re like animals. Not quite human. An empty vessel. I have no sympathy for them.

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