Dreams of the Future

For the last few years of my life, I’ve been feeling stuck. It’s like any decision as far as moving on with my life was quickly shot down due to every option seeming like a no win type of situation. This made it easy to just keep ignoring and putting off making plans. I was … and still am if I’m honest a bit fearful about how our divorce is going to affect the mental well being of our son. I think that he’s old enough now to overcome. The behavior between me and STBXW is no longer that of a loving marriage. We sort of tolerate one another and the lining in the cloud of this all is that she has for the past 2 years or so been living in NYC. He is used to not having her around, so maybe between her absence and his maturity…..he just turned 13 this year. He can be ready for the final step. Maybe he HAS BEEN, and I just wasn’t.

I think that the bitterness and anger at STBXW, ironically kept me in place. I don’t know how I can handle just not telling him the TRUTH about his mother. Without the truth, most specifically, his mother is a cheater and intentionally destroyed burned our house down (metaphorically)…it would seem to teach him that walking away from your responsibility is NOT an acceptable way to live life.

Yet, she has left me with two options…..either cover for her and validate her claim of “we just grew apart”…. or tell him the truth and hope that it doesn’t damage their relationship. The fact that it seems that I am the only one in this relationship that considers these sorts of things makes me realize that she never was a good wife. I question her ability to teach him the important lessons in life. I’d argue that left to her and her own devices, he’d grow up just as shallow, selfish, sneaky, and unaccountable as her.

This mostly hurts because I hate to let him down. I think I could have taken, being abandoned and then and left. Divorced and move on with my life. But it infuriates me that she doesn’t even consider how her selfishness might affect him. I’m angry with the fact that it seems that her family doesn’t try to correct her. Yet they claim that they loved me and kiddo. It makes me dislike the “sisterhood” because women seem to validate bad behavior between each other at all costs. Unless of course, they were on the receiving end of the bullshit.

Regardless of my anger, it’s time to move and I have to start thinking about starting over. I don’t know what this looks like for now. Once the divorce is over, I need to start looking for a new house. Because STXW is so hell bent on living in NYC, I’m going to have to assume full custody. The houses where we currently live are super expensive and renting seems to be the only way I can stay there for now. I am getting close to my mid 40’s and despite that disaster of a marriage. I think that I do want to try again. I want a family, a wife, and one or two more children.

Obviously, dating is going to be a challenge, but perhaps it won’t be so hard once we actually sign the papers and let kiddo officially know that we are no longer together. He is getting old enough to where he can be left alone for longer periods of time. This does however also mean that whoever I get involved with has to know that we’re kind of a packaged deal. At least for another 4 or years.

I make a pretty decent wage now and I’d like to already have a house (at this age) before finding a wife. I’d rather her move in with me until we either get into something bigger OR depending on the size of the house, we could be there together. My mentality has to shift (not sure why it hasn’t already) into it just being about me and kiddo.

I wonder if I’ll ever overcome this intense ANGER that I have for STBXW. I know I gotta let it go, but damn man, it’s so hard to feel like you intentionally got done so wrong by a person who is unapologetic and acting as if they’ve done nothing to you. It’s hard to just let it get even though you that they’ve gotten OVER IT and probably will never feel bad about it.

Sometimes I just wish that I could find that right woman and realize that all the pain and suffering I endured was worth it in the end because I never would have met her had I not gone through all of that. I do want to feel ‘lucky’ and ‘blessed’ that I found an actual WIFE and not just another immoral reflectionless demon pretending to be one.

In an ideal world, I’d find this WIFE and we’d share a true love/bond/connection…. have a few kids and raise them right….and I’d hear though the grapevine that STBXW was out there still getting ran thru, used and abused by finessers, players, and all sorts of wicked men. That she was constantly being cheated on, scammed, and seemed to be cursed to have to deal with the absolute WORST kinds of men. That’s she’d someday look on my IG and Facebook and see the life that me and my beautiful WIFE are building. See our beautiful kids and home. See the genuine love we have for one another and get hurt, mad, or pissed realizing that she threw that away for a finesser and her own selfishness. She’d realize that if she was the “good” woman she thought she was, then maybe we could have at it all. That maybe she was actually the one holding ME back.

Although I should not allow myself to get caught up into these types of fantasies. It does feel good to dream a little. In my world, homewreckers and side (chicks/guys) deserve ‘the streets’ and 10x the negativity they tried to put onto others.

Unfortunately, in reality karma doesn’t necessarily work the way that I think it should. Who knows what might happen and I cannot be worried about what she’s doing. I’m hoping that once I’ve moved to the next chapter, I wouldn’t even care what becomes of her. She’d be like any of my other ex’s in the distant past. I barely even remember any of them.

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