So me and my lover have been ‘talking’ for about 6 years and lately she’s been asking me what I want to do as far as taking things to the next level. We usually talk and text every day, but lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing all of the initiating which tells me she’s either trying to emotionally separate, already has, or either she’s going through something. I decided not reach out this time and haven’t heard from her in a few days. I take this to mean that she’s done. It could all be in my head and maybe I’m reading too much into it…..but if I’m right…..I get it. Not mad at her as I really don’t see how this could work considering my current situation. I did like the idea of liking someone without being “in love” with them, but I knew that sooner or later, she’d move on.

Perhaps it’s best that we don’t officially ‘close’ the door. It’s easier anyway. I have it made up in my mind that I won’t have hard feelings though I gotta say that you don’t talk to someone almost every day for a few years and not miss them. But hey, it is what it is and even though I’ve written similar things in the past about her, I still feel that I do want the best for her and I see no way in making “US” work by actually improving her life. Given my views on marriage and relationships and the fact that I don’t think that she really loves me loves me like that…..I’m no good for her outside of a fun time. I think she was “in love” with me and it would only be matter of time before that wears off and misery started creeping in.

For the first time in a long time, i can say that I don’t have anyone. There is a girl who’s been trying to get my attention, and even though she is ‘talking’ good. She’s cool. But this has taught me that I probably need some time to myself. My homegirl was telling me ‘men’ are sexed crazed….and you know, even though I probably could ‘exploit’ that situation for sex. She probably is right on this one. I think that sex leads to entanglements. I was entangled with my lover for the past 6 years…..a bout a year after Q’s waywardness and estrangement. (wow, this has been a loong time)….. I haven’t really had time to be alone and just not have anyone else to deal with. As men, society generally doesn’t encourage celibacy. Especially in the black community. But I think that this could be a good thing temporarily.

In a way, I’m looking forward to it. Even though me and my lover were never in an official relationship (sorry babe, I never would have imagined we would have held on to each other for so long). In many ways, it sort of felt like it. I really hope the best for her and I hope that who ever gets her treats her well. Despite not claiming her as my girlfriend….I think I treated her pretty well otherwise. I hope that she finds someone who treats her even better.

Though bittersweet, it feels like the ending of another one of my long term (2 year) college situationships. I’m a little down, but I’m ok. Or as my uncle likes to say….I’m partly cloudy, but fair. I feel an uncanny peace on the inside (reminiscent of the college situationship) so maybe this is the right decision. I do have the urge to reach out at times, but it’s probably best that I don’t. The last text I sent was asking if she was ok….she replied with yeah, I’m fine.

Perfect.

I do need to fix this issue with Q though. As in finalize this divorce. I’m not sure what the hesitation is on her behalf, but I really don’t need to be out here looking or recruiting until I do. Full disclaimer though….if some pussy just falls into my lap on some random ish…. I can’t make any promises. However, I plan on not even looking to see what I can see see see for now. It’s time to just focus on me, kiddo, my body, my work, money, and side business ideas. I really like my new job and can focus being more proactive. I can start muy thai or bjj and get involved in a sport with kiddo.

I have to forgive Q and this is hard because I often feel that she thinks I’m stupid or something. It seems that she gets a power trip off of ‘getting one over on me’. Maybe it’s just my interpretation of the situation if I think about it…. I am sort of putting her between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I am demanding “respect” aka….don’t be out there fucking with other men until we’re divorced…..On the other, I don’t want to work things out with her and I’m not even trying. I don’t expect a sincere apology, but I think I’m still mad because ‘sincere’ in my head means she stops doing that shit. However even if she does ‘stop’….. 1)how the fuck am I supposed to know/believe her after so much lying and 2)What’s the point as I’m not trying to work on reconciliation. Perhaps deep down I want her to attempt reconciliation. But to tell you the truth….that’s just vanity and my ego talking. I really don’t like the woman she has become like that and I can’t see myself going back so there is no “starting over.” She is getting older and having more kids with her most likely can’t / won’t happen. Plus, she is becoming one of those insufferable older (need to be right black women that I just can’t do it with).

I’ve heard that divorcing couples (especially after an affair) have a period called “hysterical bonding” where they have one last hurrah of great sex and bonding as some sort of attempt to salvage the relationship. From what I’ve read, this is usually short lived and the issues that once plagued the marriage soon returns. Plus, I can’t get over the idea that she’s been with so many men. Been a straight up slut and side chick with them and the idea that I”m the one who takes her seriously enough to take her back after all of that kind of ruins it for me. Between the disrespect, the BV diagnosis she got (typically coming from having more than 1 man nut in her in a fairly short period of time), the texts I read about the nasty shit she did with them…..Ugh Nah I’ll pass. I’d imagine it would feel much like having sex with a prostitute. I need some condoms just in case she catches me too drunk. LOL…..Seriously though, i don’t feel peace in my heart with the thought or idea. It actually makes my stomach a bit queasy just thinking about it.