Maybe I need to stay off the algorithms on youtube. I’m still getting all sorts of redpill content and I’m addicted to it. It’s causing me to really abhor the idea of having a relationship. Between the content and talking to my homegirl, it’s really causing me to believe that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

In my mind, I do occasionally have thoughts about meeting the perfect woman who I have that spark/connection with. Where I get her and she gets me. Where we can just shut our minds off and talk and vibe and the communication just happens without thinking about it. Where we just pull it out of each other effortlessly. Jokes and conversation is spontaneous and we can talk for hours without stopping or sit comfortably in silence without feeling pressure to say anything at all.

It’s very rare and I can count on one hand the people I’ve experienced this with. Even rarer is with a woman, but those women were ‘stud’ type females. Don’t get me wrong, I have good friends, both male and female, but that special vibe just isn’t there with most of them. Of the ones that I do have it with, we could go months or years without speaking, but when we talk, it’s like we never left. I guess we’re somehow on very similar frequencies and instead of walking away feeling drained (as in introvert)….i actually feel energized. This happened occasionally when I used to drive ride share, but I usually never exchanged information with these people.

I did meet a woman when I tried the online dating thing where we seemed to have this vibe. Somehow and I don’t know how, we were just able to joke around and build up off of each others jokes. I guess the attraction wasn’t there and I wasn’t trying to chase and neither was she. TBH, I just wanted a hook up and she wanted more. But I think that if I were to ever take a chance and try to ‘wife’ someone, it would be with someone who I just have that natural spark with.

That said though, I’d like to know that she didn’t have that same spark with other people. I think that some people have magnetic personalities which allow them to connect with a lot of people like that. I wouldn’t like that as it wouldn’t seem special….and given the fact that I’m looking for it, I’d worry that I’m not that special to them which could lead to a very one sided relationship.

The guys with charming/charismatic personalities are usually the “fuck boys”/narcissists and generally have this ability. I’m sure that there are also some women like that and I’d hate to be the male version of one of those people who fell for the charm and get played in the process.

So yeah, beyond being a ‘face’ guy (as opposed to a breast or ass guy)….I think I’m a vibe guy. A connection guy….. as long as she looks at least average. I think that one of the things that attracted me to sTBXW so strongly is that I thought we had that connection. We used to text all day, talk all night, and seemed to never run out of anything to say. I’m not sure what happened though. Despite her not going deep on certain topics or subjects, I didn’t hold it against her because we seemed to be able to just flow with it. She seemed interested in what I was saying even if she didn’t have much to add to certain topics. I didn’t get the impression she was a “fuck girl”/narc based on how her family talked about her to me though.

Perhaps this is one of the dangers of “being in love”. It stands to reason that perhaps there is some sort of brain chemistry/ vibe connection that comes into play while “in love.” Maybe this “high” allows you to be able to “think on your toes” similar to how cocaine and other dopamine based drugs allow you to be “johnny on the spot.” And if this is the case, then maybe this connection is a short lived one and not so special after all. I’d like for it to last for a lifetime. It’s the stuff that “happily after ever” is made of. But perhaps nature has indeed played a cruel trick on us.

If this is the case, then this could be the answer as to how it is that me and STBXW used to be able to communicate so effortlessly and easily, yet now, it’s a struggle for me to think of anything meaningful (outside of kiddo, business, or hurt) to say to her. Or maybe she is a “fuck girl”.

Maybe I have to accept the idea that “love”/”chemistry” comes and it goes. If this is true, then it really doubles my resolve to not expect long term commitment from a woman. Given her proclivity to either move on at your expense when she’s no longer happy…..or stay in a situation where she’s “unhappy” out of duty….. There seems to be no win. While ideally she would remain “happy”. I’d be ok with her being perfectly content with loyalty over complete happiness in the latter case.

Because I don’t know, I can hold on the to hope that perhaps STBXW was an anomaly and perhaps it is possible to find that long standing connection. I do not know the odds of finding that connection unless I put myself out there though. Perhaps this is another reason why it’s important to shoot your shot as often as possible and not fear rejection. Rejection / Crashing and burning is just a way to weed out the ones who I don’t have that connection with…..and given how rare it has been, then I should expect that most interactions will either crash and burn or be mediocre… fraught with a little luck and lot of mental effort.

In other words, when the right one appears, the conversation should just naturally flow, the interaction will just ‘feel’ right and my brain will just know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. But again, this can’t happen unless I take the chance.

The algorithms are making me really dislike women and not want to even put the effort in which makes it dangerous. But as they say, you miss ALL of the shots you don’t take. Deep down I do hope there is such thing as a soul mate, yet logic tells me that this may or may not be the case. All I can do at this point is continue to be the best version of myself and continuously strive for improvement. My biggest concern right now in approaching is just not having anything funny or relevant to say, but if i put myself into those situations anyway, if she’s right for me, then my brain won’t make it weird. I’ve done it before, sometimes crashing and burning, sometimes doing ok, sometimes killing it so there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to any of this.

I do believe that with more practice and more experience I could eventually get a place like pick up artists who: from experience, know the ins and outs of these types of social interactions enough to make most approaches golden…. though, I’m not really interested in fucking all the hoes. I really just want the one who’s right for me. However, getting good at approaching and increasing my odds of getting laid isn’t a bad consolation prize.

But if I don’t find that right one, I’m ok with being alone or being the ‘stand in’/ “Mr. Right now” guy for the women I don’t have that connection with.