I used to hear stories about how women in physically violent relationships often went back to their abusers. I chalked it up to them being stupid and never thought much further about it. After researching narcisstic abuse, I’ve learned that people become addicted to their abusers based on trauma bonds. Again, not saying that STBXW is a narc (clinically), but she does have a lot of the toxic traits associated with them in relation to me. So, in addition to the fact that we have a child together, my desire to protect him as much as possible from the fallout of splitting our home, and a possible trauma bond that developed, it shouldn’t have been surprising that this has been a long journey for me.

I think I’m getting closer to the apathy level. Between the stories about terrible ‘wives’ who abandon their families and modern talk panels that feature selfish modern women’s views on how their happiness supercedes the well being of their families have helped me realize that this is a common occurance and that I’m not alone. On a side note, a guy on one of the panels summed up what I’ve been wanting to articulate succicently. He said that once his child was born, life wasn’t just about him anymore, it was about the well being of his family and children.

This directly opposes the ‘modern selfish woman’s’ view that she has to be “happy” before the child can be happy. These types of women aren’t interesting to me insofar is starting a family with and are “for the streets” in my opinion. This revelation is important to me because it helps further disconnect me from STBXW. In the movies, these types of women don’t change until they are much older in life. It’s like they cannot see how their selfishness affects others and frankly don’t care. This representation of them also aligns with the notion that narcissists never change unless they get help. Despite her actions, STBXW doesn’t think that she carries those traits…..even when I confronted her with videos, descriptions (that align with her behavior), and stories….she seems to either be dismissive or uninterested. In short, she’s a lost cause.

The next step is obviously to detangle the loose ends as she’s never coming back. While I don’t see marriage on the horizon anytime soon, I need to get the divorce because it does limit my options as far as getting a wife. I used to worry about what if she finds someone else, but now I realize that she’ll be their problem. Good luck with that. And even if luck is on her side, then

As for me, I don’t want to run the streets and have random hook ups. Even though I don’t know how a woman can actually benefit me directly, I do want to love someone exclusively and possibly have another child or two. Next time though, I have to ask better questions and be careful to not fall for a pretty face and pleasant demeanor. Covert narcs live in those spaces.

For the first time in a long time, I’m actually excited about the future and the possibilites of a better life. I know that there will still be a few more rainy days, but it does look like the skies are clearing up and I can feel the sun from behind the clouds.