Yeah Right

I did a google search on “why do people feel that they deserve love.” In a twist of irony, the entire front page results was full of titles saying “why do some people feel like they don’t deserve love.” Am I really that damaged? I don’t think anyone DESERVES it, but it’s nice to have if you’re looking for it. Well I mean love in a romantic sense anyway.

I don’t know that I deserve that kind of love. Or rather I don’t feel entitled to it. Maybe because I’m convinced that the romantic kind of love doesn’t exist in an unconditional state. I think it’s very much temporal and has more to do with how someone feels about you at the time. While it is nice to have the feeling that someone desires you, it’s not something one should base their esteem or feelings on because….like most ‘feelings’ they are subject to change.

My friend and I seem to be unable to resolve our dispute about the nature of love in a romantic situation. She seems to think that if a man doesn’t want to marry a woman, he’s just wasting her time and using her for sex. Her favorite quote is “if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kat.” I think you can love and respect someone in a sexual context, but not feel like you need to be with them forever.

What the fuck does she mean by “wanting her”? It seems so nonsensical to me that I can’t even articulate what she could possibly even mean by that. Like want her for what? To be with? I guess. But for what though. Like to have in your life? I can’t imagine desiring someone to that point. It seems foolish because that sort of desire to want to be with someone gives them too much power over you. Like how possessive to you have to be to desire someone that bad and how narcisstic do you have to be to want someone to want you like that. I was about as “in love” as one could get with STBXW and trust me, I cannot find a single redeeming reason for it being a good thing….other than to serve as a warning to not do that again. I mean, I don’t believe it gives me a license to do wrong by someone because I’m not infatuated … but just saying. What is she talking about?

I love the people that I love right, but I wouldn’t describe it as ‘wanting’ them. What the fuck does she mean. I had a half hour text convo with her on the subject and I’m still lost as all get out. So I’ll ask google.

I think she probably means that she wants someone to be “in love” with her. She wants a guy who is infatuated with her before she gives it up. That makes sense. If she longs for that feeling. To me, it’s a power play. I personally believe if your give that to woman, you are sacrificing a lot more than they realize. And once she actually realizes that you are indeed “in love” with her, it strokes her ego. Perhaps it makes her feel “worthy”. She should be careful of lovebombing narcs as they could take advantage if they play the game right.

On the other hand, because I’ve been in love with a woman, I understand the sacrifices you’ll do for them (which usually favors them), and it’s not so easy to turn off. Even if they fuck you over. I think they want it for the power they feel over you, but once they have it….. well, absolute power corrupts absolutely. She’s also subject to take out all her trauma upon you because she knows that she has you and you’re not going anywhere. Once she’s gotten her fix … or healed…. she’s subject to discard you if you’ve taken too much disrespect from her and she’ll start to look for greener grass elsewhere. She’ll see you as weak and lose respect for you. Once the respect is gone, so is the love, and she doesn’t give a fuck about what you did for her or would still be willing to do. In the end you really don’t matter to her. I stand by the notion that a woman loves you until she doesn’t.

They say that you can either love women or understand them. I learned that the hard way.

The bible says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Legend has it that Christ took on all the sins of the church and faced the torture they had coming to them….some legends saying that he went to literal hell before his resurrection. I wonder if this isn’t a suggestion to potential “husbands”, but a forewarning of what happens if you love your ‘wife’ as christ loved the church. You’re going to take on all of her trauma, go thru hell (emotional torture), have her reject you, betray you, spit on you, and deny you in the end…..all because you “love” her. The key to getting you to that place of “love” is being “in love”/in infatuation with her.

Could be a stretch, but that doesn’t sound too appealing to me. Yeah, I’ll love, but stall me out on that being “in love” infatuation shit. I’m still clawing my way back out from the hell STBXW put me through. And she doesn’t appreciate it. Maybe it makes u stronger, but shit…..I’m still trying to get over her bullshit. Despite understanding her nature now, it still won’t just shut off and it’s been a struggle every day to deal with the invasive thoughts, anxiety, fluctuating emotions, and all the other bull that comes along with it. Jesus dealt with it for 3 days. I’m still here 5 plus years later trying to figure out how to completely free myself. I hate it here.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s