Leading On

My friend and I have been having discussions about how FWB situations tend to be a big time waster. I argue that failed relationships are. She says that she believes that one should leave relationships that no longer serves them. My response is that the end result is the same. Wasted time. For the record I don’t really think either are wasted time. Both can be learning experiences and I also see them kind of like a vacation. You know that it will end sooner or later, but from my perspective, you’re just not attached to the idea of living at the the destination forever. Eventually you’re gonna go back home (singleness).

Lately though, I’ve been hearing about how it’s bad to lead people on. My lover has been more adamant recently about wanting to take things to another level. I’ve been confronted with the idea that maybe I am wasting her time. I adore her and I love her in many ways. But I don’t think that I want the responsibility that comes along with an actual relationship. We make good friends and lovers, but there are certain things about her behavior that concerns me. Perhaps I am wrong because I do like the attention and it feels good to be wanted by someone. Things seem to be progressing between us to the point where saying “love you” has started slipping out and “babe” has turned into “baby”. It’s been about 5 years and somehow despite not wanting to be “That Guy” who drags a woman on without planning on marriage….. Here I am.

She does have some accountability in this as well. I’ve never told her that she couldn’t date or see other people. At times, I wonder if she does, but so far, either she hasn’t met anyone yet or things just didn’t work out between them. It’s not a good look for her though. I’m sure that her peers have questions. She also has friends who have met their spouses after we met and ended up married within a year or two. We were joking the other day that we have been seeing each other for longer than Kardashian marriages have lasted. I’m starting to feel the pressure to “shit or get off the pot” so to speak. I wouldn’t mind showing her off and letting her meet the rest of my friends and family…..but a few complications arise.

The fact that we see each other in short bursts kind of keeps things fresh between us. I think it’s the main reason as to why the sex hasn’t become stale. We also aren’t doing real life together and getting on each others nerves. This is bound to change if we were to do the natural thing and move in together. Based on our differences in what I know about her, I don’t know if we have what it takes when the lust factor wears off.

There is also the fact that even though I wasn’t intending for things to get this far, she is a rebound of sorts. I hadn’t really gotten through STBXW’s betrayal. Though we are estranged and have progressively become moreso since her waywardness began, we are still married on paper and haven’t really sat down and discussed issues like custody. We both share the blame as I have tried several times, but she isn’t really good a planning or confronting difficult conversations. I think she knows that she’s at a disadvantage despite being the woman. The reality is that I hold all the cards. While she does have more ‘freedom’ to move around and what not. Because I have been the primary caretaker in our child’s life in the past few years and it’s easily proven, I have a really good shot at receiving full time custody of kiddo. Her being the primary breadwinner would also pretty much assure that I have a good chance of receivng child support….as opposed to me having to pay it. Perhaps this is another reason she’s dragging her feet in the matter. Essentially though, as of now, I do come with baggage if I were to take on my lover. Plus, my son’s ignorance on the matter would make things seem weird and I don’t know about introducing him to my lover. For some reason it feels like a sort of betrayal. Me and his mother haven’t handled this well. But as the man, I feel that the responsibility is mostly mine despite my lackluster attempts to discuss things with her.

Another thing is that if she were my girl, she’d have to change her behavior. If I’m honest, I’m not comfortable with the fact that my lover does travel a lot for her job and her school program. The travel part is fine, but while out, she is a ‘party’ girl who likes to get drunk and party all night. This is a bit concerning to me because I know she gets flirty and if the right circumstances come along, it’s a recipe for random hook ups. I haven’t really addressed it or put my foot down on it because despite not wanting something like that to happen, who am I to tell her what she can and cannot do as far as that goes. I told her to just be honest about if she does. But you know how that goes. If she were my girl, I could find myself losing sleep over it. Plus people tend to want to do the thing they arent’ supposed to do and she may feel more temptation to hook up with randos if we were in a committed relationship. TBH, I don’t think she has so far, but I haven’t put it past her.

The other big factor and this speaks to my fear of not being enough for her in the end. It’s all fun and games when I’m just the guy who spends the ocassional weekend with her….but if we were to actually become a ‘thing’ her friends are bound have questions about my economic status. I do ok financially, but she and many of her friends make way more money than me. I’m ok with this for now, but I wonder how she would end up feeling about it in the end. We’ve had the conversation before and she says she’s fine with it. She seems down to earth insofar as believing that money comes and goes. She said “I could lose everything tomorrow”, but I’d like to have someone by my side who has my back. It sounds good on paper, but I don’t think she has actually factored in the social pressure. She does have another freind who’s husband is a cop. I think he probably makes around what I make, maybe a little less considering they live in a major east coast city. This friend does make some major money though, so maybe it won’t be that bad.

Still though, I can’t afford a big wedding nor an expensive wedding ring. Given her proclivity to like ‘nice’ things…..and she may be able to afford the costs, I wonder if she would build resentment in the end.

But despite the timing of all of this and my concerns, I am wondering if I am indeed wrong for all of this. Things just seem to be organically moving in a certain direction. I’m not ready and I believe my concerns are legit. Perhaps I do need to really sit down and discuss these concerns with her.


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