I had an interesting conversation with STBXW over the weekend which gave me more insight into how she processes things in the world. In short, I came away from the conversation fully convinced that she is indeed selfish AF.
The question was if I thought it was ok if she decided to take kiddo on a vacation, but not invite me if I couldn’t afford it. The context was if she and I were not ‘estranged’ from each other. Her argument is that why should she pay for me (or her husband) to go if he couldn’t afford it. She says that it wouldn’t be fair for her to pay for the majority of the trip and if I wanted to go, I would either figure out a way to make more money or not go. She then asked if it would be fair to require her to pay my way.
My rebuttal is that I suppose that maybe it wouldn’t be fair to require it. But it’s kind of fucked up that she’d feel that way. For me, it’s about reciprocity. How would it look if the shoe was on the other foot and I decided to take kiddo on a trip somewhere, yet my wife couldn’t afford it. What would it look like if I told her that since she couldn’t pay her way, then she couldn’t come. Especially if I could afford it. In my view, if we couldn’t all go, then we can’t afford it. To me it’s about family…..every member included (on that type of trip) or none.
She then tells me that the man is supposed to be the provider, but if he decided that if that’s what he wanted to do with his money, then it was his right to be that way. Perhaps she needs a man who thinks like that.
This does directly oppose my view on things. As a man, I make money so that that my entire family can benefit from it. Not just me and our children. My wife is also included in this. In addition, because (in my case) I actually do pay 50% of the bills, this does allow her to be able to save that money that (if she were single) she’d have to spend on mortgage/rent, utilities, healthcare, food,etc…..which allows her to be able to afford the vacation in the first place.
But even if I wasn’t paying 50% or if she could still afford the trip regardless…..why would she feel that it’s ok to leave her significant other behind on a ‘family’ trip. For sake of the conversation, I did concede that one s/o wasn’t entitled to the other’s money. But if you’re married, I think that you are. The courts and law seem to feel that way. And in principle, I think that for the most part, you are. You are ONE as a family….not saying it’s wise or ethical to take advantage, but you are entitled to it under the law. If I wanted to be a dirty a**hole, I could just take her debit card and run up the money in her account…..even if it wasn’t in a joint account. Obviously that would be immoral, but still, I’d have the right to do it.
Either way, it shows me that she isn’t a team player and for her, though we were married, she felt that it was still a every man for himself type of situation. This mentality, along with her lack of morality insofar as betrayal, infidelity, and cheating is concerned is further proof that she just isn’t a good WIFE. … at least for me. She could (and did) take advantage. To me, she’s for the streets….in deed and in mentality. One cannot enter into a marriage with a selfish/me first mentality and expect happiness. One has to (imo) be a giver more than a taker.
I know that opposites attract, but I wonder what a relationship with two givers would be like.
I did tell her that her selfishness in the matter plays out in her immoral actions. On some level she HAS to know that infidelity and betrayal is wrong. That her ‘every person for himself’ mindset somehow contributed to her actions. Even if she felt ‘justified’ in her mind, she KNOWs that somewhere it is wrong, even if she can’t really explain why. I do realize that she probably won’t get it nor see a correlation, but it makes perfect sense to me. Selfish people do selfish things. Selfish people don’t care about how their behavior affects others. Selfish people will throw you under the bus to save themselves. And selfish people cannot thrive / be happy in a relationship where they feel they are sacrificing for others. Even if both parties are sacrificing for the greater goal of a shared interest. In this case, our nuclear family.
I don’t want my son to grow up thinking that her values are good. He should know that people like that exist though. I don’t know how to teach him, expose him to hers, without making her out to be the bad guy and affecting their relationship. Another reason I know that she’s wrong for this is that i personally believe if I suggested we both present our cases to him, she’d refuse to do so and probably say something along the lines of it’s none of his business.
This woman needs therapy, but she doesn’t believe it in spite of her hypocrisy. Despite being unable to stand on or defend her counter arguments, she still chooses to leave her beliefs unchanged or unexamined. How do people like this grow into better people? I think she’s too old at this point and is set in her ways. Unless she hits rock bottom, she’ll continue to live in the selfish world of non self reflection, self gratification, materialism, and shallowness. They say you can’t tell a black woman over 30 with money shit. This unfortunately seems to be true. And if this is the case, how the hell can you lead such a stubborn person? Especially if you don’t have any leverage against her. You can’t leverage money, morals, ethic, reasoning, logic. You can’t beat her ass. The only option left, is to leave. She’ll only dig her heels in even deeper if you stay….and continue to be stubborn at the cost of your mental health and self dignity. I’m left with no alternative…….Sorry kiddo.
I viewed her as someone she isn’t and in many ways, blamed myself for it. I fell “in love” with who I thought she was, but either she lied or I was projecting, probably a little bit of both…..but either way, she isn’t who I thought she was. The woman I fell in love with wouldn’t / couldn’t have that mentality. I fell in love with an illusion. When the illusion died, I held on the the ghost of that illusion which was personified into who she really is. The discrepancy really fucked with me mentally.
But i am letting go. Not sure why it’s taking so long, but time heals all wounds. Just wish the remaining time would fly by.