Broken Soul

In the beginning of STBXW’s waywardness, I used to lean on one of my co-workers for support. He once told me that my problem is that I’m trying sense of something that makes no sense. In other words, by definition, something illogical isn’t logical so stop twisting my mind in pretzels trying to figure out how to make 2 + 2 = 5.

I’m trying to make sense of how in the fuck STBXW justifies her actions, thoughts, and behavior…..which all seem immoral, selfish, and illogical….yet somehow she maintains she’s a good person who deserves “happiness”. In my world, you get what you deserve. If you do bad things it makes you a bad person. Bad people don’t deserve good things. I know the world doesn’t always work like that, but the general framework I operate by is to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” At the very least, we are judged by our actions and good people don’t intentionally do bad/hurtful things to others if they have the power to avoid them.

Lying is a bad thing, breaking up a family is a bad thing, betraying someone is a bad thing, cheating is a bad thing, being a side chick is a bad thing…. and so forth. How could she ever hold anyone accountable if they were to do those things to her? How could she get angry if someone stole from her, abused her, or even scammed her out of money? Perhaps her mentality is that ‘goodness’ is an option, but so is doing evil….even if causes hurt/harm. This chick is indeed dangerous, but playing this game is gonna get her hurt by wicked people. It’s just a matter of time.

STBXW claims to have hired a divorce attourney for the noncontested divorce. I asked her who the attourney was and she did not give me her name. When asked why, she was got defensive asking “Why do you want to know” and “I hired them, so I’ll take care of it.” So…. how are we going to have an amicable divorce if she’s still combative, uncooperable, and secretive. This is another example of how her lack of cooperation, trust, and communiction led to the irreperable damage of our marriage.

I’m not perfect, but dude, come on, I will take some accountability on my shortcomings in the marriage, but I can’t believe that the majority of the breakdown came from me. At times, I wish there was a third party who could participate and either show me where I’m wrong at or show her how she’s being difficult and unfair.

It makes me wonder if she is purposely evil or is she really ignorant. While the outcome is the same, it makes a difference in how I look at her. I can’t trust her either way. I used to worry about her finding someone else, but now I realize that she’s gonna just blow that up too eventually. And if a guy is foolish enough to take her on, then it’s just a matter of time before the sees the true her behind the mask. The last time I snooped through her phone, I saw the lovebombing attempts at several men. This woman is dangerous, but any man dealing with her seriously knowing she’s married probably has karma coming to him.

I would be more hurt if she was actually worth losing. Yeah, it sucks to lose my family, but she’s like a an infected limb to me at this point. It’s better to amputate than to keep it and risk infection to the rest of the body. A lying, backstabbing, adulterous, secretive, selfish, and unwise woman isn’t worth having around. Even with my imperfections, a good woman would still have stayed on her square and maintained her integrity….even if she felt that had to walk away from the marriage. She would have been open, transparent, and if she did stumble along the way, would have taken accountability instead of digging her heels in. A good woman would have understood the importance of a nuclear household and would have communicated her discontent in the relationship instead of going out to cheat. I didn’t push her out here, she willing walked and chased based on her lusts and entitlements. She wasn’t concerned at how this would affect the family. Her wants (not needs) took presidence over the needs of her family. As the bible says about the foolish woman: “she tears down her home with her own hands”.

So if there is another guy out there, he can have her. She’s broken mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and doesn’t even realize it. She does have outer beauty, but the inner part is severely lacking. It’s like paying full price for a sports car that looks good on the outside, but has a blown engine, needs electrical work, and vin issues. She thinks that just because she can hack the ‘check engine’ light to not come on, she’s a catch.

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