Free er but still Bound

Trauma bonds are real. Despite knowing that STBXW just isn’t good for me, she still takes up too much real estate in my mind. Despite my lover really wanting make a go at things and having a couple of women showing interest in the past few weeks…..I still can’t seem to stop ruminating over her.

It’s like my brain is trying to still process how she could be like “that”. It is trying to make sense of it all. Perhaps part of it is fear that she’ll actually find someone else. Not sure why though. She’s had quite a few lovers since the time of her waywardness. Tbh, I don’t even really know who she is anymore. I do know that her perspectives and views on things are very dissimilar to mine. The whole traveler vs vacationer blog post came from a text that she sent me.

She sent me a meme at 3:00am this morning saying:

“There are some people who can hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word.”

I don’t know why it bothered me. Well, I hate stupid shit for one reason. Another is that my “mind movies” envisioned her just leaving from a lover who was telling her how much he gets her, so she was feeling that moment and sent it to me as a “see someone actually gets me” …..

Jump to conclusions much? UGH….. I should have just ignored it. Instead, I sent one back saying that “lack of communication can ruin a great thing.” Then I sent her a youtube short video titled “men are not mind readers”

A female friend told me that I’m too combative and like to argue too much. She says it could drive ‘women’ away. I think she means doing shit like this. I just don’t like not challenging the stupid shit that people say sometimes. Especially if they try to get me to buy into it. I probably should work on it…. But on the other hand, I believe that running with blanket advice like that can be detrimental.

At the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter. And to me it doesn’t. This is why I say that this trauma bond thing is getting annoying at this point. I feel rediculous because if left unchecked, I find my mind asking me shit like…..”so, you’re actually done with her huh”….. or “i don’t understand how she walks around feeling ok about acting that way.” or “she’s so damned slow” or “what kind of simp would take her seriously knowing she’s married.”

I often envision myself saying stupid stuff to her like “they can’t really know how u really get down” or asking “how could you think you’re a good woman despite doing shit the way you do.” ….and the list goes on and on.

I am ruminating over this and I suppose that part of the trauma bond or journey to recovery is the uncontrolled thoughts that you have wanting to vindicate yourself from feeling like you somehow deserved all this.

How is it that I have chalked her behavior up to narcissism or at the very least emotional immaturity….but yet I find myself still holding her to a ‘normal’ standard of behavior. It’s like playing a game where I’m trying to follow the rules, while she just makes shit up as we go along….constantly changing the rules as it suits her….or simply ending the ‘game’ and claiming victory at given moment. It feels like I’m in bizarro world when I’m engaging with her. Who the fuck knows, gravity works one minute, then the next we’re all flying all over the place. Down is suddenly up, right is left, but then left is now inside?

Why do I feel the need to try to clarify, explain, converse, or even argue with her? We operate on different frequencies. All of my rebuttals, explanations, clap backs….even the one i sent back this morning….will all fall upon deaf ears.

It’s seriously like trying to engage with an immature child or a severely mentally disabled person about philosophy. But then getting angry because they want to turn it into an unrelated ‘fart’ joke. I could probably make the association in an attempt to make it funny or sound all zen like, but I know it wasn’t their intent. Plus, they wouldn’t actually ‘get it.’ And could possibly use it against me if it suits their needs.

She hears what I’m saying, but who knows how in the hell she actually processes it. It’s not like she’s going to come back with any sort of defense, justification, or even a real explanation of how she gets to her conclusions. I’ve learned a long time ago that arguing with her is like arguing with a brick wall. I now overstand the phrase “stonewalling”. Our disagreements aren’t conversations, they’re more like me trying to educate her…..pull information out of her…..Or I’m chastising or scolding her as if she’s a child….though that is never my intention.

I want her to understand my position and I try to understand hers. I want her to see the nuances in her perspectives and possibly find some way to meet me in the middle. She doesn’t have to agree with me, but just understand where I’m coming from. I’m also open to seeing things from her perspective if she cared enough (or had the ability to) to lay it out for me.

I’ve tried to just shut up and listen, even when she says something I think it bat shit crazy…..but, she’ll say some crazy shit and leave it at that. And it feels as if I don’t challenge it, i implicitly agree with her.

That usually looks like “yes, i see what you’re saying (rephrasing/repeating what she said), but have you considered….”

She needs a ‘yes dear’ man, the type of guy my homegirl says I should be. That would be hard for me if were together because some of her decisions would actually impact our lives. Lately though, it’s been easier as I really don’t care about many of her bad choices as they don’t affect my life as much.

Sudden mind question: “Did she really file for divorce, why haven’t I heard anything from the lawyer she claimed to hire.” “Why isn’t she telling me anything”. “Does she have something up her sleeve?”

Man, I can’t wait for this period of my life to be over. Having a good wife can be a good thing, but choosing the wrong one can really fuck your life up.

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