What Am I doing?

My lover hit me with the “what are we doing” speech yesterday. It’s funny bcuz me and my home girl was just talking about how women feel that men who won’t commit just waste their time. I don’t see it as such. I think that it’s not anymore of a waste of time than a failed relationship.

My lover, R is an amazing woman. She has her issues for sure, but we all do. We’ve been kicking for a WHILE now. At least 5 years. I met her like 2 years after my wife began her wayward journey. What started off as what was supposed to be a fling, turned into a friends with benefits situation, into a damn, we’re still kicking it!!!, to got damn we still kicking it??? Ironically, in many ways, she is like what STBXW wants to be insofar as money and success. She actually is world traveled. She does own real estate. She drives the car STBXW wanted.

That said, she is looking for the next step which is marriage and a family.

This is hard for me because I like things as they are. We get along pretty good, but we do have some intense arguments sometimes. I guess this is normal for any couple who’ve been seeing each other for a while. We get along much better than we used to, but I do understand her frustration in the matter. The thing is, I never told her that she can’t date or see anyone else. I just asked for her honesty in the matter. It’s proof (at least to me anyway) that if a woman is “in love” with you, she isn’t really interested in seeing anyone else. I think she knows that it would hurt me if she did so it’s not fair to throw that back on her when she brings up she feels that I need to make my mind up or let her go.

While I do appreciate the love and perhaps before meeting stbxw I may have jumped on such an amazing woman…..Right now, I think my heart has been hardened towards the idea of a happily ever after. If I am honest….I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. This has nothing to do with her…..I don’t want to be “in love” with anyone and though we share some amazing experiences…..I never allowed myself to feel it that deeply. I intentionally kept myself from getting swept off my feet. Don’t get me wrong, when I say that I’m not “in love” with her, I would still do almost anything for her. I adore her and she holds a very special place in my heart.

I was just so hurt so bad by stbxw that I don’t think I could ever allow myself to love someone that deeply again (be uncontrollably in love). I always leave room to walk away as not to be totally crushed should she choose to move on. I guess it a continuation of my marriage in a way in that I realized that love eventually becomes a choice….and those butterfly feelings aren’t always gonna be there. I wonder if she realizes this about the general nature of marriage?

One of my biggest concerns is that I wonder if the love she has for me is really real. Or is it just lust and a fantasy of me she projects onto me. Can it withstand the good and bad….the ups and downs of real life. “Relationships” are on easy mode when you just see each other on the weekends or every few weeks or so. But what about actually living together and making life decisions that affect one another. What happens when you move in and the sex starts getting too familiar. When the goal of actually ‘having’ that person becomes realized and there are no obstacles stopping you from being together. When the chase is over. When you realize the actual person and not the weekend version of them. I guess the question is….does she truly love me or is she just “in love” with a version me.

Another concern is that most of her friends are married to very successful guys. One owns a chain of dental offices, another comes from a well do do jewish family, and another seems very successful in whatever his field of work is. What happens when they get together and talk about what their husband’s do. Their money and finances. Even though she makes great money….. how would it make her feel to say that I’m an average guy making average money, doing average things compared this guy is doing this or that guy is doing that.

Could I afford the big wedding she wants or the 10 to 15k ring she wants. What about kiddo? Do I leave my job that I currently have and actually enjoy to move up there with her? I think she’d be open to moving back down here if I really asked and had a plan…..but do I really want to unpend her life risking that she wouldn’t be happy here. My life is boring. I work, I train, I take care of my son, and I see her from time to time. We do have fun when we get together, but what happens when we live together. When she knows all my jokes or how I make them.

The thing is, that I don’t think we could maintain based on attraction alone as familiarity tends to breed contempt. I don’t think I can make her life any better financially nor socially. I don’t see how I could contribute to her outside of loving her in the simp like way that I loved STBXW. We see where that got me. I could support her and pick up the slack where she needs it, but how can I find the balance between being the “man” of the house yet she’d be the one financing our lifestyle mostly.

This could work IF i had a dream or some sort of ambition. Say I was a martial arts coach or was trying to open up some business. Maybe then, she could support me in those dreams. If I had a direction where it made sense to have her in my life. If I had an idea of planning on our retirement or had some sort of end goal in mind besides owning a home and maybe a little land.

As of now, I’m the free spirited “fun” friend who provides the ‘boyfriend’ experience without the responsibilities of being her “man”. I’m sort of also a beta in the sense of being co dependent on how she feels. If i were more narcissistic (not a humble brag) maybe I’d jump right in and not see how this could possibly affect her. I wouldn’t care. And maybe this strength would help her be ok because it wouldn’t bother me to care if she was hurting or struggling or unhappy. I’d be more confident. Ironically, it seems to me, for it to have a chance of working would be if I was “that” type of guy who really didn’t give a fuck about anyone but myself. As of now, I do care about what her family, friends, and peers would think about me. Actually, it’s now it would make her feel about what they thought about me.

Would she lose all respect for me? I’d have to change a lot. But without her, I’m pretty content and happy with who I am. It’s only in light of being her husband/man do I actually think less of myself. It does beg the question of if things would be different if she were less successful and less accomplished. As it is, I’d see myself as a pet or accessory somehow less than a man. She doesn’t need me and I don’t know how outside of good sex and basically being a do boy/handy man how i could be of any use to her. Again, what happens when the familiarity and routine really kicks in?

Don’t get me wrong, in spite of her accomplishments and travels, I don’t believe she’s actually smarter, more capable, nor better than me overall. We both have our strengths and weaknesses, but do they compliment each other enough to make it work?

On one hand, i do like the idea that I’m not “in love” with her and that is the only shining grace to all of this. I don’t want to be in love with anyone. If it doesn’t work, then I don’t think I’d be crushed. Hurt for sure, but not suicidal like I was before. But on the other….if I were, I don’t think I’d be so hesitant to try to figure out ways to make it work for us.

But doesn’t she deserve that type of love from someone? But who’s to say she’d actually find it. How many actually do. And of those, how often is it one sided. But if I’m in the picture as a permanent fixture, she most likely wouldn’t. Maybe I gotta let her go as bad as it would hurt both of us.

Why do women make shit so complicated?

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