A good friend of mine told me that I should forgive STBXW. Not to get back with her, but because it it hurts me more to hold on to the hate. I’ve heard stuff like this a million times already and I though I somewhat believed it. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. When I thought about, i felt a slight sense of nausea in my stomach.
I decided to give it a try over the weekend. I thought about and purposefully ‘felt’ what I thought forgiveness should feel like. Then I thought about her as I was resting in the feeling of forgiveness. And let it marinate. It felt like free falling.
Besides the fact that my ego was/is hurt. I think I was afraid to forgive her because I feared that it might cause me to desire her again. I worked to hard to get over her and I dam sure didn’t want any setbacks. I suffered and clawed my way out of every inch of that quicksand and DO not want to lose any ground.
I decided to completely forgive her. I figured that I had swayed the pendulum from love to hate on purpose in order to emotionally disconnect. But now it is time to move it back towards a more central position. Why not. I radically tried in my mind and heart to feel as if it were forgiven. She did what she did (on purpose), but I forgive her.
I won’t pretend and say that I’m completely over it, but it did actually help a lot. I can look at her now. I don’t feel as if I desire to have her. It did bring me a surprising amount of peace. I think it’s helping me to accept things as they are. I believe that the “devil” may still have a few tricks left up his sleeve. But as of now, I plan on holding steadfast and hoping that I can continue to keep things cool. With this radical forgiveness, I realize that I’ll probably never receive a real apology….but that’s ok. She’ll probably continue to lie and gaslight if given the opportunity….but that’s ok. She’ll probably never understand the damage she did to my heart…..but that’s ok. She may even try some dirty tricks in the divorce/separation…..it’s OK. She still thinks she’s a good person…..ok whatever. It’s who she is. I cannot change it. As with pretty much any woman I don’t know or trust like that, I can’t put anything past her.
And the magical part is that I don’t have to walk around insecure or mistrustful because I don’t put any faith in her doing the ‘right’ thing by me. Not saying that she necessarily will do more evil, but if she does, then it’s not a surprise either. I don’t want to tempt God or the devil or whoever is actually running this trial by fire thing, but all I can do is hope that no matter what happens, I can hold on to my peace. …. in the center. No expectatations.
We’re still not all buddy buddy. I don’t go out of my way to talk to her. But when evil thoughts about how she treated me arise or thoughts of how could she do me like that pop up…..i simply get back to the idea and feeling of radical forgiveness. I think I truly did love her and if I did, part of that is the ability to forgive and move forward accordingly.
Forgiveness, to me though, is like…..if a mentally challenged person were to intentionally break something that was important to me…..even though I wouldn’t hold a grudge, I’d be sure to keep the replacement out of their hands or at the very least under close supervision. So with her. I let it go, she can’t fix it and really would only hinder my recovery if I leave anything up to her.
I think this brings me closer to that state of apathy I’m looking for.