I heard something this morning that I never considered. As simple as it sounds, it never crossed my mind to think about things in these terms. Basically, STBXW dumped me. I mean, yeah, she attempted to monkey branch and is still out here swinging from dick to dick. Her cheating was likely an exit affair (as dishonorable as that is)….but it all boils down to, she dumped me. She just didn’t say it with her words.
Why this resonated with me is because, I’ve been all mopey and mad. I think I called it a betrayal. Now don’t me wrong, this was betrayal at it’s finest as she could have just told me she wasn’t feeling it, that she checked out, didn’t want to work on things, and was going to divorce me. But still though, I got dumped. It’s not like me to take rejection so badly.
Putting it in these terms kind of makes me feel pathetic that I took it so hard. I mean really, I honestly think that I was a good person to her…..but people get dumped all the time and there aren’t too many things more pathetic than a guy who got dumped who can’t get over it. A little sadness or even bitterness (depending on how she did it) is reasonable. But face it man, it’s not the worst thing in the world. I’m not one to fight for someone who doesn’t want me anyway. Sooo…. hey it is what it is.
It’s actually kind of hilarious now that I think about it. Saying she dumped me sounds way better than she cheated, betrayed, and left me. Unfortunately for me, I had to endure the humiliation of having to say that I was married to her while having to deal with the bullshit of her being dickmatized by a gotdamn dirtbag. But hey, chicks dig scars….I guess. I’m left with abandonment and trust issues, that’s little toxic I guess. But it seems as if chicks like a little toxicity in their men. All is well that ends well?
Moving on. It’s probably a good thing tho. I’ve discovered in this process that I was very simpish. I loved too hard and that is a recipe for disaster. I made her my world and that’s not how a man is supposed to love a woman. I was ‘in love’ with her as opposed to simply loving and adoring her. You can’t put all of your eggs in one basket like that and nobody is going to protect your heart more than you can. Perhaps it’s possible to O.D. on love. As the saying goes….all things in moderation. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that this includes your love for someone. Similar to drinking too much or taking too many drugs, it’s fun for a moment, but shit can go real south real fast. I didn’t know it at the time but I was junkie for her. Quitting cold turkey was / and sometimes still a bitch. Lesson learned.
Hopefully this newest revelation will be another milestone in my recovery. I thought I’ve gotten thru this so many times already. I won’t sit here and fool myself again. This has definitely been a journey and who knows when I can finally fully breathe again. But I’m getting better for sure.