Open Wounds

STBXW is supposed to be coming back for the weekend for kiddo’s birthday on Saturday. She decided to take a full time position in NYC (surprise surprise) despite my suggestion that she find a position in ATL so that we can both be close to kiddo. It’s his home, he was raised here, and we both have close family living here.

We’re closer to the divorce and she has offered to pay for a lawyer to help us file the noncontested. She wants kiddo to finish out the school year here and next year have him move up to NYC with her.

I still think it’s incredibly selfish objectively of her to split a family up like that. But based on some realistic advice I got from my sister……I have accept the fact that she has justified it in her mind and doesn’t see it as a big problem. I still don’t know if I’ll sign up for him moving up there like that. As much as I’d like to just do whatever to be done with all of this….kiddo is my responsibility and I just don’t think this would be good for him. One thing that really irks me is that her “simp” assed so called male “best friend”. Yeah, the one she cheated with…..had something similar happen to him when his daughter was 4 years old.

In his situation, his ex girlfriend/baby mama cheated on him with his good friend and ended up leaving him for him. According to him, “kids are resiliant” and will so our kid should get over this. It burns me up to think that she’s running with this advice. As if dude didn’t carry a flame for her. The fact that slept with her during our marriage burns me up and I can’t help but wonder if he’s responsible for helping gas her up with this mentality. Dude is so pathetic imo bcuz….despite wanting her for all these years….although she did cheat with him….she ended up in two other affair relationships with two or three other men after that. I can’t respect a man who pretends to be a friend…..pounces during weak moments and then is still there after she rejects him for someone else. Men like this are slimy, greasy, and tbh, I’d open hand slap the shit out of him because I don’t respect him AT ALL. He’s ok with being left over. If she got with him, I’d have no doubts that she’d cheat on him as well. His lack of self respect, dishonor in how he handles this, and overall pussy ways leads me having no respect for him. Though I can’t stand him, I couldn’t be surprised if she ends up with him in the end.

If she got with him, it would probably be the ONLY way I’d consider sticking my dick in her again. It would simply be out of revenge…..but then again, I don’t know if I’d even want to sink that low just to get back at a pussy like that. Besides, I’m sure someone else will do it for me. Maybe it would teach him to keep his nose out of other people’s marriages and to stop being such a grimy ass, slimy ass, bitch ass douchey cunt. Probably wouldn’t tho…. still, I just don’t respect males who are like that.

Despite not liking the woman she’s become (or always was….not sure on that yet)… and understanding that reconciliation is impossible at this point. I still haven’t reached the level of apathy I’d expect to have at this point. I’m unsure why. I’ve logically accepted the fact that SHE AIN’T IT. I made a mistake in choosing her. It’s not my fault that things got to this point between us. It is my responsibility to myself to get over it though.

Yet, I’m still in my feelings (albeit negative) about her. I’ve accepted that she is who she is. I understand through the conversations that we’ve had….that she isn’t wife material. Her ignorance, inability to understand the importance of family, and overall selfishness is just who she is. Even if she does manage to get with someone, the odds of her having more kids is very slim to none. She’s always had fertility issues which I believe is why we only had one. We were very fortunate to have had kiddo.

I always wanted 2 or maybe 3. But I did understand going in that it would be difficult. Given that she’s in her 40’s now…..I suppose that even if by some MIRACLE we somehow were able to fix things, more children would be off the table and this is another reason why it’s fortunate things worked out the way they did. Otherwise, my options would have been completely lost.

All that said….between her fertility issues, lack of morality, selfishness, sneakiness, and lack of common sense…. and the fact that those issues don’t have to be my problem anymore….. I’m still perplexed as to why I’m not more apathetic if not ecstatic over the fact that we are splitting. The best revenge is realizing who she really is…..and being happy that she’s not in my life like that anymore. Though I didn’t dodge the bullet so to speak, and it did hit some vital organs…..I am in recovery…. I did survive the ordeal. It’s still an open wound so to speak. And tbh, the wounds, though psychological… is all in my head. I’ve even learned a few things about what do better or what not to do. I do have the option for there to be a “next time” once I figure out exactly how to make that happen.

This goes to show how ‘falling in love’ really is an anathema. Despite there being mostly positives to gain by letting this go. Minus possibly losing a lot of access to kiddo. I can’t help but to feel a certain way about it all. Why should I care if she ‘moves’ on right now. It speaks way more to her lack of character than to what it says about me. She’s his problem and if a man is foolish enough to give her his heart right now…… he gets what he deserves. Or she gets what she deserves from a man like that. It may seem good for them in the beginning…..she can play the role well…..but i can’t help but to think that the more they get invested, the more gasoline they are pouring until eventually, it all gets burned up once a match is lit. Don’t know when it will happen, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. Personally, I don’t want to be in a position to know or care when or even if karma does finally catch up to her.

Ideally, I’d be so apathetic towards that situation and happy with my life that it’s no longer my concern. Even though I’ve intellectually figured this out for a few years now….. There are still times where she just irks me. I’m still looking forward to the day where I can see her and feel ….nothing….. not good not bad…. just 100% indifference.

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