Cursed

Lately, after listening to a ton of reddit/youtube posts about infidelity, I’ve come to the conclusion that falling in love is actually a curse. I had a blog entry before about how love is a drug where I compared how falling in love is similar to being addicted to drugs. But another way to describe this thing is being under a curse.

I’m not saying that love in and of itself is a curse. But to be given over to it has to be some sort of sin, violation of God, or the law of the universe. Maybe idolatry? Many men describe the pain of their wife’s infidelity as one of the most painful experiences they’ve ever had. I can attest to that from my own experience.

There is no way that this is natural or normal. There are very few things on earth that can make a strong grown man cry. Other than the death of a close loved one, I’d say that heartbreak is probably one of the very few things that can get a man to ugly cry.

Although I’ve given up on trusting a woman to not cheat on me. I don’t necessarily want to give up on relationships. I will have someone some day. But next time, I won’t fall so deep into it where I’ve given so much of my heart to her whereby losing her would damage me to that extent.

Though admittedly, thinking back, the stbxw and I never really had that ‘kindred spirit’ type of bond. I still loved her with all of me. The testimonies from these reddit posts seem to indicate that even those types of bonds aren’t enough to keep many wives faithful. This keeps me grounded by understanding that the next time I consider a relationship with someone, I do want to have someone who has a kindred spirit and outlook on the world. But I have to remember that I cannot put my whole heart and soul into her.

Despite everything STBXW has done to me. After all of the lies, deceit, disrespect, gaslighting, and so forth….for some reason, there is a sliver of pain at times whenever I think about her. It’s been over 5 years and even though I’m much much much better than I was, I’m not completely over it. I know that I could never take her back. But it still angers me that she was able to hurt me so bad and purposely destroy our family and have little to no karma or remorse.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that I deserve this somehow. Maybe I’m missing something, yet my mind can’t produce a single thing/incident that I did where I think deserve this. Maybe I’m burning off karma from a previous life. Maybe the reality is that Life just isn’t fair. My younger sister unexpectedly lost her only daughter nearly two years ago. She’s still taking it rough as expected and though she has progressed a tiny bit in her recovery, she may never get over this. I feel really bad for her. She updated one of her pictures on a social media app recently and I could see the pain in her eyes though she was going for a neutral expression. It hurts my heart to know that she’s suffering so bad. She didn’t deserve that at all and by comparison, my issues are just a blip on the scale of the pain she must feel to this day. It’s a pain that she has to endure and even though we were all hurt by losing my neice…..my sister’s pain…..I can’t even imagine. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can think of to do. I just wish that she could find relief and be able to breathe again. She didn’t deserve that at all. But I digress.

Perhaps love isn’t the issue. I mean what would it look it if she had another child, but decided not to love it as much out of fear of possibly feeling that level of pain again. In a similar way, is it a good thing to keep my heart closed to the possibility of loving someone else out of fear that she’ll also abandon, betray, or cheat on me in order to protect my heart.

I don’t know the answer. But this box does protect me and given the way that these hoes out here cheating left and right…..and i can’t see myself accepting being a cuck “in the name of love”….. Imma just have to remain icy when it comes to romantic type of love.

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