Suddenly finding myself as an ‘effectively’ single parent in my early 40s is a bit more daunting than I thought. At least insofar as finding a relationship. I’m not really keen on bringing a new woman around my son and he isn’t quite old enough for me to leave home alone for a long period of time. Plus, me and his mother haven’t officially divorced yet.

One of the reasons why me and my lover couldn’t have worked out is because of the ties, responsibilities, and obligations that I have. Even IF i was willing to try the serious committed thing again with her, I wouldn’t have felt right to make her wait until I got this situation straightened out. That said, with her moving away, I can tell that she is trying (probably rightfully so) trying to distance herself from me. I should take the hint and keep it moving. It was nice to think that I may have had a soft cushion to land on….but maybe it is time to remove the safety net and start walking on my own. I truly hope that she finds happiness in her endeavors and whoever she chooses…..I hope he treats her with the love and respect she deserves.

This does sort of put me in a position where I don’t have anyone and I guess that’s ok. It’s part of the process. If I am to take on the the responsibility of single parenting this thing, I have to accept the fact that it’s going to limit my already limited options. I dont’ have the free time to date around. One of the difficult things about having custody of a child is that you can’t be spontaneous. Then I also have to “hide” it from him as STBXW haven’t officially split yet.

She kept him for a few weeks in the summer and I had the opportunity to get with at least 2 girls. I guess I was sort of still not facing the reality of what’s happening with me and my lover so I didn’t indulge as I felt it would have been wrong. But to be honest, I’m not really attracted to one of them like that and I work with the other.

My options are also limited due to fact that I don’t really know where to meet anyone. Then even if I do….as a 40 something year old, I need to have my own space. I can take him to a baby sitter if I need the weekend, but I’d have to rely on them and I’m not sure if it’s right for me to put that responsibility on them. I do want another kid or two and possibly a wife again…. but I don’t want to marry someone just for the sake of being married and having kids. But in the mean time, it is nice to have someone to share sex and intimacy with. Unfortunately, I don’t know how I can balance this for now.

It sort of sucks that stbxw gets to come in and never appreciate the difficulties that this also presents to me. Even with her in NY now, her betrayal is still affecting me. It’s hard not to be upset when she gets to ‘live it up’…..while I’m stuck picking up the pieces of my life while at the same time trying to maintain a certain semblance of stability in the life of kiddo. Now I guess she has unfettered access to her Affair Partner(s)…. I believe that in her mind, having him for 3 weeks isn’t that difficult so she doesn’t see what I’d complain about. But i’d rather him with me than in NY with her. I think it would be better for him overall. Given how she moves, I don’t know if I’d trust her to look after his best interests as she’s proven so far to be more concerned about her happiness than what’s best for everyone else.

Besides, this is what sacrifice is all about. Not sure if I’ll ever be rewarded for this directly…. or if anyone will ever understand the sacrifices it’s taking….then again, why should they…..this is my responsibility. Plus I love him and I don’t regret it one bit. I believe that true happiness comes from within and now is the time to test that theory. Besides, who knows, maybe someday the right one will come along. If it doesn’t then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime.

Meanwhile, I guess I just have to put the focus on keeping in shape, working at my job, getting my finances in better order, and making sure I’m supporting him in his academics, sports, and growth. That is a lot on my table and I gotta get rid of this appetite for pussy and affection. At least for now. Monk mode baby. Time to get it.