The issue with STBXW is also compounded by the fact that maybe she just isn’t in to me. I once read that if a girl is in to you, she makes it easy. She puts in the effort. She laughs at your jokes. She makes sex easier. Communication is easier because she drops her barriers. I believe this. I don’t think that they consciously do this though.
This could explain why it seemed so much easier in the beginning when we first got together. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped feeling me like that. Sure, I might have been good to her and treated her well. But this doesn’t ensure that someone is going to want to reciprocate in a sexual relationship. I’m not an unattractive guy….looks wise. But perhaps there is something about what she wants in a guy that I’m lacking for her. Perhaps foolishly….at one time….I would have at least attempted to change parts of myself for her in order to save the marriage. But that time has passed due to the way she handled “falling out of love” with me.
I don’t mind saying that she isn’t in to me. Everybody ain’t for everybody and truth be told, I’d much rather have a woman who loves me for me than to have to feel like I have to win her over. This is another reason why I no longer rest my hat on “in love” feelings that are subject to change when the oxytocin high has been cut. Real love to me is the ability to sacrifice that high for the sake of the relationship, bond, friendship, and family that we created. Perhaps it is necessary in the beginning to establish that bond, but it in certain ways, those intense emotional bonds will tend to temper over time and that’s where true love can begin to surface.
So in reality, while at one time, she may have been “in love” with me. She never truly loved me. I should have peeped that. This is one reason why I don’t really take my lover’s declaration of love as something I could feel confident in. One mistake I did make with her is that I outright dismissed it and never really thought about building upon it insofar as being in a real relationship. I did love and respect her, but I never let myself go…..that’s cool though because despite it feeling good at the time, I think that we’re just too incompatible in the way we view the world for it to sustain itself. I see her as another woman who lacks the ability to get to that deeper level and is emotion based. We had fun…but deep conversations usually took a bad turn. I just don’t think that we would have what it took to weather the storms that life might throw at us without her becoming vindictive, jaded, checking out, or giving up. It was a fun time though. Perhaps my experience with STBXW made me think deeper about it……some say it might not be fair to bring my past into that “relationship”…. but seriously, the issues were deeper than superficial imo.
Right now, as it stands, I don’t have anyone. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing. I do want someone, but maybe I do need time to be alone for a while. I’m not actively seeking, but a situationship seems to be what’s best for me right now. Some argue that it’s not fair to lead a woman on, but who knows. I’m not sure what I’d do if the ‘right’ one came along. Even if she checked off the right boxes, I feel that if I did allow myself to “let go” and fall in love….I’d lose frame….and she’d lose attraction to me. It’s like, love is a game that you can’t win. If you like her too much, she doesn’t like you back. If you don’t want more from her, then you’re stringing her along. Like bruh.
As cliche as it sounds, i think I just need to take time to love myself. The issue with STBXW will eventually take care of itself. The story (if it comes up) is that we’re separated and estranged and just haven’t completed the paperwork due to logistical reasons. That is the truth. I don’t want her back and see myself wanting her back anymore. I’ve never had a problem with rejection, I mean, I get rejected all the time. I don’t put myself out there a lot, but failure to get a choosing signal from someone I might be interested in is a form of rejection my book. It is what it is, so I keep it moving. This same philosophy should be applied to STBXW. She rejected me…and that’s cool. Sucks that I started a family with her and we have to break it apart…. but there is nothing i can do at this point. We cannot
The fact that I think that people/women subconsciously makes things easier for a man they’re interested in and harder for one they are not…..and the fact that STBXW seems to run mostly on emotions….i think that she’s ignorant of this fact.
I know that it sounds a bit meta, but i think that if we can examine our behavior and understand the why’s of what we do, we can exercise a bit more self control over ourselves. It’s like taking the ‘me’ out of this subjective experience and view it from a more objective lens. In other words…. “I” am not necessarily my thoughts or feelings. But rather “me” is a subjective thing that can be studied and possibly studied like any thing. This is hard though. And perhaps I would even have difficulty in doing it.