New Beginnings

STBXW came down for a few days over the last week or so. I suppose she isn’t ‘talking’ to anyone right now as she wasn’t glued to her phone or texting that much. This kept me from being triggered as I used to feel that her texting other men in front of me was disrespectful. I may still feel that way, but I don’t know yet.

It made me realize that all in all….I really don’t hate her as much as I once did. I think I’ve forgiven her. Mostly. I realize that we cannot be together as I don’t trust her. But if I am to accept her for who she is, I have to realize that she probably can’t really help who she is.

We really just don’t see eye to eye in this whole marriage thing. Like most women, she says one thing (the thing that SOUNDS right), but you can never really know what she’d actually do. She’s principled in words, but not necessarily in actions.

However, outside of her infidelities, we never really fought too much. She’s not a terrible person to get along with. She doesn’t nag much and is pretty easy going. I’m not sure how we can resolve the whole disrespect thing until we are officially divorced though. She has to accept my boundaries until we get that part fixed.

It’s also easy to blame her ‘secrecy’ with her money as a reason we haven’t gotten further financially…..but I can also blame myself in that I never pushed hard in trying to make her see things my way. I also didn’t have a plan or vision towards our future so I did not do so well as far as leading us in a specific direction. I have to take note of this about myself if I choose to ever get serious about another woman again.

I realize that there is so much water under the bridge between us that reconciliation as far as marriage goes would be impossible. Our sexual chemistry just isn’t there. It never really was mind blowing, though not bad either. I also have to accept the fact that she just isn’t as attracted to me. Not once did she even suggest sex. I’m not too mad about that because 1)i really don’t know if she might have contracted an STD out there and 2)sex does tend to bond you to people and 3)it was never too great to begin with. and 4)I couldn’t imagine making love to her anymore. If anything it would be a wham bam thank u ma’am.

I’m not attracted to her mentally, we’re just not on the same page. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t be cordial. I don’t have to keep being an asshole around her as long as she respects my boundaries. If another man wants to take her on, so be it. Our love for one another just isn’t passionate and though i would prefer a steady stable burn type over the passion all day. I have to be able to trust her and I truly don’t. Doesn’t mean we can’t be ‘friends.’ in the end.

I was telling one of my female friends that you can like someone and be sexually attracted to them, but it doesn’t mean that you want to marry them. It also doesn’t mean that you want a relationship with them. Some people are better off as lovers. She disagrees and thinks that sex without ‘intent’ (for a relationship?) is a waste of time. To me, it’s no different than being in a relationship and it not working out in the end.

There is no point in adding a title. With titles come expectations and that can kill the fun. Titles never stopped a cheating person from cheating or a lying person from lying. I personally think that this particular friend just wants some sort of control and power over a man in exchange for giving him the cookies. She wants a relationship so that she can use sex as a carrot and stick kind of thing. Yeah, I’ll pass on that. I like talking to her, but I believe we’ve talked each other into friendzone status.

To be honest, I think this is where we fuck up as men by getting into committed relationships. Things change once you get the title of her ‘man.’ It’s like you sign up for work and women do have a tendency to weaponize the sex. Especially if you’re all in for her and she knows you’re faithful/committed. They treat the kitty like scooby snacks and might toss u a few for good behavior and withhold if you don’t do what they tell you. Fuck that…nothing doing.

I liked the situation that me and my lover had. Just be honest with each other. If she wants to step out, just let me know and I’d do the same. I wasn’t trying to hold her back. I wasn’t trying to wife her. If she wanted to walk away, then I wouldn’t stop her even though it might hurt a bit. As far as I know, we both honored that and to me, honesty is way more important than a promise to stay committed or a damned title. I have true love for her….and I want to see what’s best for her.

This female friend seems to think that I’m just using my lover for sex. I don’t know, maybe I am, but then again, I do care for her and even though I believe that we’re better off as lovers and friends than committed in a relationship. I feel that even though I didn’t commit, I didn’t sleep around, I spent time with her, and did nice things for her. I think I treated her better than a lot of men treat their women in committed relationships. I was honest with her. Even if the sex part falls off, I’d like to hope that she’d still hold a special place in my heart.

So taking that lesson I learned from my lover, I feel that I should apply it to stbxw. It took us going through a marriage and infidelity for me to learn that. Just as I accept my lover for who she is, I should also accept STBXW for who she is….even though neither would be good as a wife FOR ME.

I should have never married STBXW and I probably would have made the same mistake with my lover had I met her first.

Being a beta in this respect makes me realize that I’m just not good for marriage. It may seem that way, in the sense of me being thoughtful, considerate, and in touch with my emotions. But at the same time, I am not one to make / force anyone do anything. I think I’m good as a stand in man. But until/unless I find a woman who I can really really vibe with. I can’t see myself wanting to step up and go out of my way to make her happy. Not just for some damned scooby snacks.

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