Maybe I’m the problem

Maybe I am the problem out here. I seem to have a lot of negative things to say about the modern woman, but the reality is that I don’t really deal with too many on a personal level. Being somewhat like a single father, I don’t have much time to go out and meet and get to know a lot of women. To make matters worse, in my current day to day, I rarely see single women….at least without a kid or two in tow. When I do, it’s like I don’t know what to say to them. For some reason, I feel that I need some sort of pickup line or I need to say something funny to break the ice. I really need to come up with three or four possible lines to get myself ‘in’ since I believe that conversation can flow from there.

It sounds a bit corny and maybe it is….. but I’m not normally an extroverted person. I mean I can hold a conversation fairly well, but it seems that getting in to one is the hard part. Although rare, there are times when I do see an fairly attractive looking woman alone that I might be interested in, but I just can’t think of what to say.

Taking the direct approach and immediately showing interest seems a too direct. Starting a full on conversation like asking too many questions in the beginning seems a bit too invasive. I’ve read that if I’m interested, i should take on the responsibility of carrying the conversation….at least for the first few minutes of the interaction. But the problem is that often times, I don’t really have much to say. It’s funny that I know all of these words, but yet haven’t figured out which ones to use in these types of situations.

I don’t know if it’s ‘approach anxiety’ more than it is just not knowing what to say. I’m not actually nervous per say…. I generally don’t just start conversations with anyone because I mean… what can I say? Maybe that’s what I should ask myself.

I was talking to a female friend of mine this weekend when it hit me that I’m stereotyping women by saying they like f*boys and don’t really care for good guys. Of course (as most women do) she disagreed. I told her my theory about how they like nice guys, but are attracted to f*boys. Again, more disagreement.

But it suddenly hit me, that how can I really know that if my anecdotal experience generally comes from what other people are saying. I don’t really approach a lot of women. I never really did. I mean the women that I did somehow end up getting in my life liked me at least at one time. They were attracted to me. But I never really approached a lot of women like that like that. Even die hard players tell you that it’s a numbers game. I initiated contact with women the most was during that period of time I did online dating. I met a few here and there, but it was mostly frustrating, but of course it would be as women get approached all the time on there in that format.

So maybe I need to really rethink this whole thing. It’s intellectually disingenuous to complain and say women don’t like guys like me when I haven’t been rejected that much per say. Initial rejections don’t count either because it’s a numbers game anyway. Of the relative few times I did try to get numbers, i’d say I had about a 30 to 40% success rate….. of course things usually fall apart after a little while, but lately, especially since being married and having to care for kiddo…. I don’t have much time to go out on dates or make plans to go out with a woman. On a side note, I have decided to not bring up the being married thing….and if it gets to place where I am getting close to someone, I’ll tell them that I am separated. This is technically true and though me and stbxw haven’t explicitly said it….we’re both moving like it is true.

I digress, but the longer she is estranged, the more I realize that we’re just not right together. I mean I would have been willing to make it work…if she had wanted to…..but it’s not mission critical for me anymore. She’s just not wifey material. The fact that she doesn’t mind sharing dudes who are currently in relationships makes me realize that ‘cheating’ isn’t a big deal to her. You can’t expect monogamy from a person like that. Personally, I just need one. I’m monagamous by nature and I’m not willing to knowingly share a woman….this includes open relationships or being ‘side dude’. I like intimacy in sex way too much and I can’t kiss her knowing that it’s very likely she recently had sex with another man. I like making love….not just fucking…..and tbh, sex with STBXW felt more like sex than making love. She was never a passionate or deep kisser (though she thinks she is)….. it always felt a bit mechanical…..but she was an attractive woman….so maybe that made up for it. Sex wasn’t bad…it just didn’t feel as passionate as I would have liked. Looking back, the ‘passion’ mostly came from me. She’s definitely a side chick type. Women who currently have multiple sex partners isn’t something I am particularly excited about. This is one reason why dealing with a single woman who’s actively “dating” doesn’t really sound that appealing to me. Especially if I gotta initially take her out, potentially court her, spend time, money and emotions…. all while she is also dealing with another man. Maybe things would be better if I was already sleeping with several women already…..but again, I wouldn’t be particularly interested in doing all of that if I was already getting it in like that.

The bottom line is, I need to put myself out there more…..I need to be prepared with a few lines in case of a brain freeze. I can hold my own once in the conversation, but getting in and breaking the ice seems to be my biggest problem for now. Until I can overcome this, get into potential relationships and fail because I feel I am too nice….I really can’t complain about that in particular.

One thing I can say is that the protoype of the the type of woman I think I’d like (based on appearance) is quite rare. Too much makeup, those long ass nails, and the caterpillar eyelashes are a complete turn off to me. Some of these outfits are also turn offs. A lot of these women look too ‘basic’ to me. I like to have a connection with a woman and if she comes across as standard issue ‘modern women’ I’m not really interested at onset.

Where can I meet the earthy, artsy, down to earth non materialistic, humble, spiritual, intellectual, somewhat nerdy alternative black women. The ones who aren’t into hot girl summers, being a ‘power couple’ just for the clout. The ones who aren’t about that bougie, taking pics on the beach for the gram, sunday brunch, or going to the spa every weekend types. The ones who aren’t impressed just because a dude has a ton of money or clout. The ones who aren’t just all about the bag. The ones who have some depth to them. One isn’t selfish AF or combative all the time. The introverted homebody who isn’t bitchy. Maybe a gamer chick who isn’t a whole ho out here in these streets. One who handles her business as far as being able to support herself, but doesn’t take herself too seriously. Ya know, the opposite of most of these “housewives of hip hop “or whatever types. A few tats are fine…. drinking sometimes is a must…. I don’t really care women that are too religious, but I do like for her to be a ‘seeker’ or at least open to thinking about those types of things. One who wouldn’t mine getting her hair wet and dancing in the rain…..smoking a spliff while listening to some chill music or philosophy or something. If she does/did travel…she actually travelled instead of vacationed. For god’s sake, can she be decently attractive. I’m not saying I need a 9 or 10….. but can she at least be a 6 in looks and not be too overweight. And can she be loyal. Are there any women out here who haven’t been possessed by this consumerist / capitalist get the bag….aspire to be a ‘bad bitch’ spirit of the time.

I know that women have their unreasonable list for the ideal man too….but is this too unreasonable? I feel like if I don’t find someone similar to that, then I’m not really interested in a relationship with her isofar as being her ‘man.’ I mean sex is on the table for sure, but ultimately, I think that if she didn’t possess certain key qualities, I can’t see myself fighting for her. Most of the women I come across are a dime a dozen yet they think they are special and different somehow. As I was telling my homegirl, I don’t know if I can find a woman like that. If she’s out there, the odds of me coming across her, her being interested in me….or single, us having mutual attraction, and mental chemistry would indeed be a miracle of God. Meanwhile, I won’t hold my breath in looking for her. Besides, I would damn near fear falling in love with that woman…..but if I do play wreckless with my heart again…..this one might be worth the risk.

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